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Original poster

DH blames me for everything

190 replies

TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 04:30

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

OP posts:
Melitza · 12/06/2021 04:40

My dh does this.
I tell him he needs to take responsibility for his own actions and he's not a dc.
I assume its a fear of failure so I try hard to tell him when he's done a good job.
It's frustrating though.
Once he knocked something on the floor and I swear he was trying to work out if I was near enough to take the blame.
I actually said to him I can see what you're thinking and you're not pinning that on me!

Just reiterate an accident is no one's fault.
As for the loo I assume it was too much paper.

sarahc336 · 12/06/2021 04:41

My dp is exactly the same, we joke that his catch phrase is "look at what you made me do" it's bloody annoying but like yours I really don't think he can help it. It's clearly some form of mechanism to stop them admitting doing wrong I guess x

Ophanim · 12/06/2021 04:42

My dh used to be a bit like that. Even when something wasn't my fault, he'd try and find a way to make at least some of it my fault. For example, a digger reversed in to me doing quite a lot of damage. I was stopped, digger had no mirror one side and just reversed without looking.

Nope, was my fault too for being too close (I wasn't).
It didn't matter what happened, he'd always find a way to apportion at least some of the blame on to me.

He doesn't do it any more. I'm not really sure when it changed but I think him knowing I'd leave him if he acts like a twat once too often now has something to do with it.

Ophanim · 12/06/2021 04:43

By the way, the whole digger thing involved me being in a vehicle, he didn't hit me as a person.

Original poster
TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 04:44

Ok I'm glad I'm not alone with this! It's so annoying.

And yes, knocking things over. If he knocks something over it's certainly because I left it there (even if I didn't!)

OP posts:
Soulstirring · 12/06/2021 04:47

Sounds familiar!

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 05:03

Why would you, or any of the pp, put up with this? Confused

MiddleParking · 12/06/2021 05:06

Yeah I don’t understand why any of the husbands mentioned here ever got the opportunity to do this a second time!

Original poster
TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 05:10

@Aquamarine1029

Why would you, or any of the pp, put up with this? Confused
Because noone is perfect. I wouldn't throw my whole relationship away because of one character flaw.
OP posts:
MiddleParking · 12/06/2021 05:12

You don’t have to throw the relationship away, just make the consequences of blaming you for something that isn’t your fault worse than the consequences of being clumsy or whatever. Because it’s a much worse thing to do.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/06/2021 05:20

I wouldn't throw my whole relationship away because of one character flaw.I wouldn't throw my whole relationship away because of one character flaw.

That's quite a flaw. It's actually bullying and emotionally abusive. He's showing a shocking lack of regard and respect for you, and blames you for everything to make you feel small and insecure.

Raise your standards for how you expect to be treated.

Original poster
TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 05:22

He doesn't get away with it, I do make him admit that he's wrong. And tbf he's gotten better at admitting quickly that he's wrong. He can't stop himself from trying though.

OP posts:
redtshirt50 · 12/06/2021 05:23

My DP does this too sometimes

The other day our dog had an upset stomach and pooed in our bedroom during the night. I woke up to the smell and the first thing DP says it that it's my fault for not making sure she went before she came in

Then in the morning, he tells me that he'd actually heard her crying to go out during the night but hadn't bothered to get up! After I pointed out this totally makes it his fault, he backtracked and said it was only a tiny cry

luckily I don't really care whose 'fault' things are as long as he helps me sort it out he can pretend it's my fault

MiddleParking · 12/06/2021 05:25

He most certainly could stop himself.

Sumerisicumenin · 12/06/2021 05:35

How odd.
Is he like this at work, or is he only an immature arse at home?
With a fall guy easily available.

DeathStare · 12/06/2021 05:39

Because noone is perfect. I wouldn't throw my whole relationship away because of one character flaw
This is a pretty huge and sinister character flaw. It's basically a form of gas lighting.

He can't stop himself
Of course he can stop himself. Does he do it to his boss? His mum? His friends? If not he can certainly stop himself. He just doesn't stop himself with you because it's a way of exerting power.

Huge red flag.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 12/06/2021 05:41

Where do you think this has come from OP? It sounds like a default mechanism left over from childhood, would you say his parents were overly critical or expected very high standards? I ask because I know someone like this.

Wherever it comes from, please don't accept it for the sake of a quiet life. It must be so wearing. I just wonder if a chat along the above lines might help him see what he's doing and where it comes from, if you think that might have some relevance.

AgentJohnson · 12/06/2021 06:10

it's bloody annoying but like yours I really don't think he can help it.

He can, he chooses not to because blaming you is preferable to dealing with his shit. I suspect he doesn’t blame anyone else because it would reveal an ugly side of his character that he reserves just for you. He’s a grown arse man and I don’t care what’s behind his blatant disrespect of you but he needs to sort it. This behaviour is not an involuntary tic, its a deep seated mindset and it is corrosive. You might not be aware of the damage it has caused but it is there.

I am flabbergasted by the prevalence and tolerance of this kind of abuse, yes abuse, gaslighting is abuse. Once someone gives themselves permission to behave like this, it tends to extend to other areas of the relationship.

OrchestraOfWankery · 12/06/2021 06:20

I wonder how many of these men would tolerate this behaviour if it was turned back on them?

frumpety · 12/06/2021 06:23

Is it gaslighting if the person who it is being done to recognises that the fault isn't theirs and call's the other person out on it ?

Nicolastuffedone · 12/06/2021 06:24

A character flaw? Is that how his boss sees it when he does it work? 🤔

OhRene · 12/06/2021 06:35

I find it quite saddening not that women here are saying their husbands did this, but that their husbands DO. It's not a one off. It's the norm.

My stepdad has always done this. My dad too. My mum seems to prefer abusive men and blames the fact that her dad was abusive. (Yeah, so was mine, thanks but it doesn't mean I want one)

Stepdad will drop something, something that has absolutely nothing at all to do with mum who isn't even there and she will apologise profusely and accept whatever ludicrous story of blame he makes up on the spot. Mum would also snarl and threaten through her clenched teeth, lips curled back, for DSis and I to take the blame too when he tried to blame us instead.
When we refused, mum would snarl that we were trying to break up her relationship. We hated her, Apparently.

You may not accept the blame when your DHs do this but if he's still doing it, you need to ask why? Why is he doing it? Why does he still feel justified blaming you? Putting you down?

PollyPicket · 12/06/2021 06:40

Can't believe you're even getting the blame here too, op.

Cherries590 · 12/06/2021 06:42

@AgentJohnson

it's bloody annoying but like yours I really don't think he can help it.

He can, he chooses not to because blaming you is preferable to dealing with his shit. I suspect he doesn’t blame anyone else because it would reveal an ugly side of his character that he reserves just for you. He’s a grown arse man and I don’t care what’s behind his blatant disrespect of you but he needs to sort it. This behaviour is not an involuntary tic, its a deep seated mindset and it is corrosive. You might not be aware of the damage it has caused but it is there.

I am flabbergasted by the prevalence and tolerance of this kind of abuse, yes abuse, gaslighting is abuse. Once someone gives themselves permission to behave like this, it tends to extend to other areas of the relationship.

This!

It IS abusive behaviour, it’s not some cute quirk that these “otherwise he’s great!!!” men have, it’s indicative of who they are. It’s not acceptable and even if you can’t see it yet the ugly tentacles of other abusive behaviours are in play.

pattyparsnip · 12/06/2021 06:44

My dad does this and he's 72 we call him out on it all the time . And my mum certainly doesn't take any shit from him . But he still tries it on .