DH blames me for everything

[TenLittleBears]

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

Do you have kids OP? It’s pretty damaging growing up when a parent blames you for everything, that’s all I’ll say. I imagine it’s also pretty bad to grow up seeing your mum blamed for everything, and when you’re an adult you’ll probably either blame your own partner for everything or be willing to take the blame yourself. Neither is a good outcome.

I find threads where women tell us about their husband’s really shitty behaviour, which we then agree is shitty, only for the women to then start defending them to the ends of the earth, utterly depressing. If it’s a lighthearted moan then say so. But when the behaviour is actually quite sinister, we will say so.

You need to consider you own behaviour - stop gaslighting me.

I don’t think you understand what gas lighting means. Your husband is a dick and you’re defending him now because you don’t want to see it.

The thing is I don't accept it. I call him out on it every single time. And, as I said, he's getting better at quickly admitting he's being a twat.

@WettyHainthrop

I find threads where women tell us about their husband’s really shitty behaviour, which we then agree is shitty, only for the women to then start defending them to the ends of the earth, utterly depressing. If it’s a lighthearted moan then say so. But when the behaviour is actually quite sinister, we will say so.

💯 agree

@TenLittleBears, thé risk in general is for you to get tired or so used to it, you don’t pull him up on it.
There are many things we let go because of that.

I get that you don’t feel you are in that position. But many women are. And it could be the start of a pattern.

My husband does this it drives me mad 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

@TenLittleBears

The thing is I don't accept it. I call him out on it every single time. And, as I said, he's getting better at quickly admitting he's being a twat.

IS he getting better though? Your OP says This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking.

I’m afraid I think you’re in denial. The bollard incident is very bad and I think you’re minimising how bad this is. Did he shout at you?

Classic. Defense mechanism to avoid experiencing a moment's shame.

If you can project everything outwards, then bingo! you need never, ever experience an uncomfortable emotion!

My mother does it and it works really well for her.

It's childhood. It's being raised with the fear of blame. It's unhealthy but needs really nurturing (and humour as previous posters have used) to break this unhealthy cycle and not be passing it onto another generation.

In a way it's a mild form of child abuse and its legacy lives on.

I've broken this cycle but it takes every ounce of self talk and a very understanding husband.

Same here. Nothing could ever be his fault. Yesterday I got shit for asking about a minor detail as in what time during the day it would suit to have people over for birthday dinner today. I’m working in a stressful job, and trying to organise four birthdays. I normally don’t mind but I’ve had enough getting blamed. They can do it themselves from now on.

@TenLittleBears but he needs to get better at not blaming you in the first place. Why should that be his default attitude?

It seems interesting on this thread that it is mainly men blaming women, with one poster appearing to have one male blaming every single female relative.

If you have sons how do you think this behaviour looks like, even if you call it out, it shouldn’t happen in the first place.

@TenLittleBears

The thing is I don't accept it. I call him out on it every single time. And, as I said, he's getting better at quickly admitting he's being a twat.

You think that by ''calling him out on it'' you're not accepting 'the blame' but you are, because you are completely playing in to the narrative that you're to blame, you're on trial, you're up in the dock, you're defending yourself, you're providing evidence why you're not to blame. And you're presenting it to him

All of this will be feeding in to his belief that he gets to 1) blame you, and 2) decide if any of the mitigating circumstances you have presented to him have merit or not.

In our case - and I'm not defending him because he has been a monumental prick on occasion - this tendency has improved over the years. We have been together 21 years and I think he has realised to some extent that I won't take it from him now, and also he has just grown up somewhat and can better see his behaviour for what it is.

OP,
You write that he is a great guy?

A great guy that blames you for everything?

That drives you nuts?

It clearly is both normal and acceptable to YOU as you accept it.

Others on here find it appalling, bullying and abusive.

I agree with this.

I'm married nearly 30 years and I wouldn't put up with this for a minute.

My relationship bar IS high.

My tolerance for abuse IS so low it is non existent.

You can deride people's opinions all you like, it is after YOU who is living with someone who blames YOU for everything.

We teach people how they can treat us.
This is what YOU have taught him, by allowing this to continue.🤷🏻‍♀️
Your life.
Good luck.

My dad is like this.

He’s lovely but very black and white in his thinking. He sees that whenever something breaks etc that there’s always a cause, that cause can always be attributed to someone, and therefore it’s their fault. There’s no real thing as an accident according to his thinking, someone is always responsible.

I remember as a 14 year told a school friend telling us about her mum leaving an oven mitt on the hob, going out and both parents coming home to a kitchen filled with black smoke. I was like “Did your da not go nuts at your mum?” And she looked at me like I was bonkers and said well no, it was an accident.

We take the piss out of him dreadfully and he’s definitely mellowed since he’s gotten older, but I have to really try and not follow the same pattern of thought and accept that accidents happen!

@legotruck

I'm surprised how many think this is abusive behaviour. That is a very low threshold for abusive...

That's the thing with abuse. It's starts with low level stuff and escalates gradually. Sometimes over weeks, sometimes months and sometimes many years go by, but it's always there. It's easy for us as outsiders to spot this behaviour - you are minimising and denying which is typical of a manipulated person.

Spot on.

This thread is actually really sad. So many women cheerily chipping in with oh yeah, my DH does this but I just laugh at him.

It’s not a laughing matter at all. Your sons will learn that they can get away with shitty behaviour by blaming women; your daughters will learn to accept the blame, “put up and shut up”. The cycle of abuse continues.

It’s very damaging. You can end up with your self esteem in tatters and no longer trusting your own judgment (this is the gaslighting part). I had a boyfriend who blamed me for losing his nasty temper; another who hit me as it was my fault for distracting him while driving to let him know that there was a pedestrian in the road.

I run a million miles from men like this now, and I would never, ever allow my DC to be exposed to this behaviour. Please please see it for what it is. I’m so sad that so many of you live with men like this. What a life.

@ConstanceMarkievicz

You think that by ''calling him out on it'' you're not accepting 'the blame' but you are, because you are completely playing in to the narrative that you're to blame, you're on trial, you're up in the dock, you're defending yourself, you're providing evidence why you're not to blame. And you're presenting it to him

All of this will be feeding in to his belief that he gets to 1) blame you, and 2) decide if any of the mitigating circumstances you have presented to him have merit or not.

💯 Masterful! Are you a psychologist / counsellor?

@TenLittleBears I agree. My dh isn't even trying to manipulate me. It's like an automatic reaction.
He worked away for years and I didn't notice this behaviour until he retired which was due to mh issues.
I know his blaming me is based on anxiety and fear of failure compounded by being bullied in his last years at work.
Between us we're getting used to being together constantly and both working on our faults.
I am quick at summing things up and find his methodical style irritating.
Many pp's on here are very lucky to have had happy childhoods and met someone with a similar outlook.
My dm's default was screaming at us and dh's dm whilst calmer was a very anxious, buttoned up lady.
Perhaps we should all have psychometric testing before embarking on a relationship.

@purplebagladylovesgin interesting. my mother was one of 8, big family, their dad was a real tyrant, they still talk about it. She will never, ever take responsibility for hurting me. If I tell her she hurt me she will tell me I'm wrong and then tell me I'm cold hearted and cruel. Her urge to project everything outwards is so deeply entrenched. I've tried to make her see that she can admit to hurting people and that people will actually think more highly of her for taking accountability not less well of her but she won't let those comments in. I want to put ''zero feedback'' on her gravestone after she's gone.

@Aquamarine1029

Why would you, or any of the pp, put up with this?

Yea dump him OP and throw away your entire marriage for an irritating character flaw 🙄

My DH is exactly the same, goes into full huffs with me over things that are his fault, I just tell him to wise up and ignore him until he's come round then we laugh about it. I'm sure there are things I do that annoy him too!

But this is especially annoying lol.

@spacegirl123 full on huffs? Is he a child? So unattractive.

I wonder if it (in some cases) it comes from being blamed and told off for accidents as children.

For example in my house, breaking a glass would have got you a terrible telling off and still induces panic in me as an adult.

On the rare occasion that DH has blamed me for something ridiculous, I remind him that accidents happen, there doesn’t have to be “blame” or taking on guilt or burden over silly mistakes

DH used to do this, eg blame me because he had misplaced his keys. I always told him he was a twat and I hadn’t touched his bloody keys.
He stopped it when our children were teenagers and kept laughing at him for being a senile old man.

The amount of posters who have been conditioned to put up with this behaviour is utterly depressing. I’m guessing when things go wrong in other adjectives his life he’s not so quick to apportion blame. I’d be exhausted trying to defend myself constantly as I hate being unfairly accused of stuff. Demand more from the person who’s supposed to be in partnership with you!