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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH blames me for everything

190 replies

TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 04:30

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

OP posts:
DeathStare · 12/06/2021 06:45

Can't believe you're even getting the blame here too, op

Who has blame the OP @PollyPicket ? I've had a read back and can't see anyone saying it's the OP's fault.

BonnieDundee · 12/06/2021 06:45

Can’t believe the defending of the poor menz that is going on here

OP your DH likes to blame you for.things that are not your fault. Nothing about that says "great guy" to me.

WildfirePonie · 12/06/2021 06:45

Does he blame work colleagues, friends and family for his mistakes too?

Or just you?

rwalker · 12/06/2021 06:47

DW does this all the time but she says "someone has done, broken or left this" when there only me and her in the house.

SleepyPartyTime · 12/06/2021 06:51

My Mil does this to Fil, or DH, all the time. Once when visiting us she said she was going out to move her car onto our drive (another relative had been visiting and had left clearing the space). She managed to somehow reverse into a neighbours wall. It was DH's fault as he should have known to come out and direct her. She once choked on some popcorn and said it was Fil's fault because he was eating his popcorn too fast and it made her eat fast. (Fil hadn't even been eating any popcorn, him and I had been chatting).

DiffuserDay · 12/06/2021 07:02

To those saying it’s a childhood thing, I agree. I used to lie and squirm my way out of anything I’d done wrong, even really minor things, because when I was a kid/teen my parents were super strict. Really high expectations and really unpredictable and harsh punishments. It was a lot to deal with and it was only many years later that I began to realise that isn’t how it works when you’re an adult. Especially in a work scenario 😅 Now I can mostly fess up when I’ve made a mistake and figure out a solution.

itsgettingwierd · 12/06/2021 07:08

My ds (16) starting going through this phase about a year ago. I think it was lockdown frustration.

Each and every time I asked him for a description of exactly how it was fault as I didn't understand and said I'd accept responsibility if he could explain how what he just did was in any way my fault.

It's actually helped and he is getting better.

I agree I think it's a fear of failure. My ds is autistic and has low self esteem and he can't read situations so he worries he's going to get into trouble (he won't because things are accidents) so tries to absolve himself of any responsibility from the off.

DollyTots · 12/06/2021 07:33

My DH does this too. I confront it by completely and openly joking about it, often preempting before he’s about to do it e.g ‘go on then, how’s that my fault Grin’ he recognises his reaction, we both laugh. Other times, I don’t have the patience for that and don’t react so tolerantly.
Unfortunately it has led to me being hypersensitive to criticism because I feel like anything could be my fault.
To others saying would he do this at work, to family or friends. Yes. Yet he’s still highly employable, well regarded and appreciated by the few friends he has and obviously, loved by me.
I do see it as a character flaw but it’s one we, and his support network confront and deal with. Like with anyone’s imperfections, you choose what and how you’re prepared to deal with things, if at all.

copperpotsalot · 12/06/2021 07:38

He's a persecutor. What do you say or do when he does this? You have to literally ignore him and refuse to be drawn in.

If you act hurt (victim) or try to apologise and put things right (rescuer) then it'll feel a whole lot worse.

Just walk away and ignore him

NoIdontwanttoseeyourknob · 12/06/2021 07:40

@redtshirt50

My DP does this too sometimes

The other day our dog had an upset stomach and pooed in our bedroom during the night. I woke up to the smell and the first thing DP says it that it's my fault for not making sure she went before she came in

Then in the morning, he tells me that he'd actually heard her crying to go out during the night but hadn't bothered to get up! After I pointed out this totally makes it his fault, he backtracked and said it was only a tiny cry

luckily I don't really care whose 'fault' things are as long as he helps me sort it out he can pretend it's my fault

Your partner heard a dog in distress but couldn’t be arsed to do anything about it and left her to shit in the house.

He’s not a nice person.

Lollypop701 · 12/06/2021 07:42

This thread Shock the responses are so extreme. Yes it’s not a great response from him, but if this is the most irritating thing about him then it’s just that. Irritating. op is aware and calling him out, he does eventually accept he’s being an idiot. No one is perfect ffs.

funtimefrank · 12/06/2021 07:44

My dh does this - learnt behaviour from his dad. It's about not wanting to put himself in the firing line so he doesn't get punished.

He doesn't just try it with me, he is always a bit like it. Importantly for me it's not with big stuff it's for small shit like bringing loo roll upstairs or getting something out of the freezer and I don't accept it and never have. At this stage it's a running joke tbh.

I find it quite sad tbh that he was so worried about his dads reaction when he was a kid that it mattered. His upbringing wasn't even particularly difficult but his dad did have a short fuse and got shouty easily.

RosieLemonade · 12/06/2021 07:49

Haven't read the whole thread. My DH is like this. But he also occasionally blames my mum and sister for random things such as losing his drill bits (which he hadn't lent to either of them). It has made me into a nervous wreck if I'm honest.

CustardSquirrel · 12/06/2021 07:53

My DH used to try to do this. It was a hangover from his childhood, his father was not very nice. We talked it through and he changed.

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 12/06/2021 07:53

Blame thrower

CommanderBurnham · 12/06/2021 07:58

My DH is like this and his mother is very controlling and unforgiving.

I wonder that it's because he was shamed or blamed as a child.

She never lets any little mistake go whereas I'm like ' it happens just fix it'

namechange30455 · 12/06/2021 07:58

My ex was like this, as well as never apologising for ANYTHING. Things were either my fault or "I don't need to say sorry, it was an accident". Fucking draining.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/06/2021 07:59

Unfortunately it has led to me being hypersensitive to criticism because I feel like anything could be my fault.

@DollyTots, I’m sorry your husband’s ‘character flaw’ has led to these feelings.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/06/2021 08:03

This is the sort of behaviour I have to try and deal with in the children I teach.

Last week, I was hit in the back by a football. It was an accident and I didn’t shout or punish the child at all. The first thing he did was try to blame where I was standing when actually it was because he’d tried to kick the ball back to his group and his aim isn’t great.

hollywoodstar · 12/06/2021 08:04

@DiffuserDay

To those saying it’s a childhood thing, I agree. I used to lie and squirm my way out of anything I’d done wrong, even really minor things, because when I was a kid/teen my parents were super strict. Really high expectations and really unpredictable and harsh punishments. It was a lot to deal with and it was only many years later that I began to realise that isn’t how it works when you’re an adult. Especially in a work scenario 😅 Now I can mostly fess up when I’ve made a mistake and figure out a solution.
This was me too. I’m not abusive or gaslighting, I just did not know how to deal with a mistake (big or small) for fear of consequences. Took years and a lot of talking as well as having to leave my career through stress (I couldn’t cope with idea things might not be perfect or I might upset clients etc) for me to realise what it was, and how to try to change.

I am much better now - have learnt to admit mistakes and even laugh about them if not too serious!!

Maybe worth chatting it over with your DH as I know it was draining for my partner and caused me long term issues .

Sparkletastic · 12/06/2021 08:05

My DH can be like this - tries to blame me or DCs for things - and it is also allied to his unwillingness to make decisions. Knowing his parents as I do it is crystal clear to me where these traits stem from. Dominant yet anxious mother and father on the spectrum. I come down hard on him every time but also make it clear that accidents happen and he won't get berated or blamed for them. It is getting better over the years.

niceupthedance · 12/06/2021 08:07

I think the reactions here are a bit extreme.

I think you should ask where does this need to not feel blamed come from - it's almost definitely feeling shame as a child. Something that has become instinctive.

DS always blames me for everything that happens but he is autistic and doesn't realise other people have their own thoughts/perspective so his version is the truth.

Nonmaquillee · 12/06/2021 08:10

@AgentJohnson

it's bloody annoying but like yours I really don't think he can help it.

He can, he chooses not to because blaming you is preferable to dealing with his shit. I suspect he doesn’t blame anyone else because it would reveal an ugly side of his character that he reserves just for you. He’s a grown arse man and I don’t care what’s behind his blatant disrespect of you but he needs to sort it. This behaviour is not an involuntary tic, its a deep seated mindset and it is corrosive. You might not be aware of the damage it has caused but it is there.

I am flabbergasted by the prevalence and tolerance of this kind of abuse, yes abuse, gaslighting is abuse. Once someone gives themselves permission to behave like this, it tends to extend to other areas of the relationship.

Totally agree.

I feel for children being brought up by men like this - they don’t have a choice as to whether or not to stay.

Any man who does this is an abusive arsehole. Please see the behaviour for what it is.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 12/06/2021 08:12

My DH does this. Nothing is ever his fault! I just laugh at him and ask him to put his pointy blame finger away and sort it out Grin

SoStrange · 12/06/2021 08:15

My DH does this. Most recent example was dropping an egg on the floor. It was my fault because he was rushing because I’d asked him to move out of the kitchen whilst I was cooking (he was filling egg boxes with eggs for neighbours just as I was starting to cook).

I think it’s a childhood thing. Fear of being at fault or maybe mimicking his dad. He gets angry /shouty when he breaks something so you end up feeling like it’s your fault! He’s usually very mild mannered and kind so this this odd.

The other thing that is a ‘thing’ in our house is that the knocked over item has been booby trapped by the other person who didn’t put it away properly/ left it on the edge of the counter.

Sometimes this is true as teen dd will do ridiculous things like put a tall bottle in a fridge door shelf with a low barrier so the bottle falls to the floor next time fridge door opens! Dh then uses this type of thing as an excuse for everything!