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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH blames me for everything

190 replies

TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 04:30

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

OP posts:
cauliflowerkorma · 12/06/2021 08:17

Me ex h used to do this. If he stubbed
His toe it was always someone else fault-often me! He didn't mean it nastily strange as it sounds.

He came from a family of big egos. Perhaps connected.

legotruck · 12/06/2021 08:18

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything.

That is not the description of 'a great guy'

EvilPea · 12/06/2021 08:20

DH weirdly started doing this, so I sarcastically came back with the most ludicrous tale of how and why I did it. So toilet blocking would be
“Yes I did it, I thought it would be a really good idea to sneak in to the toilet just before you and take a massive dump to block it. I had to plan it days in advance to get the food mix right for the correct girth for ultimate blockage”

It’s now a running joke.

Hoolihan · 12/06/2021 08:23

My husband is like this too. He once asked me to read an essay before submission which I did, and then blamed me for his low mark as I hadn't spotted a typo. He also once blamed me for ruining a job interview because I sent him a good luck text, causing his phone to bleep mid-interview.

These were both years ago in the early years of our relationship but he still does it now to an extent. His dad is the same. Something about not being able to take responsibility/accept you're less than perfect and feeling like the world is out to get you.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 12/06/2021 08:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SoStrange · 12/06/2021 08:30

@Hoolihan, I’d say that this was your fault, texting during an interview!!

OrchestraOfWankery · 12/06/2021 08:33

[quote SoStrange]@Hoolihan, I’d say that this was your fault, texting during an interview!![/quote]
Phones can be turned off.

justanotherneighinparadise · 12/06/2021 08:34

Oh yes. I don’t let this shit go. I point it out every time and I tell him this is the kind of thing children notice which entrenches the misogyny. I will accept everything I’m responsible for but will not take on the stuff that I’m not. He needs to grow up.

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 12/06/2021 08:35

I try to stop myself doing this but I can feel the compulsion.
It's from having an explosive psychotic father and the terror of not knowing the consequences to anything/no stability. Broke a glass will he beat me to death? or am I ok??
Of course you should address it everytime, he needs to work on it.

Nonmaquillee · 12/06/2021 08:36

@Hoolihan

My husband is like this too. He once asked me to read an essay before submission which I did, and then blamed me for his low mark as I hadn't spotted a typo. He also once blamed me for ruining a job interview because I sent him a good luck text, causing his phone to bleep mid-interview.

These were both years ago in the early years of our relationship but he still does it now to an extent. His dad is the same. Something about not being able to take responsibility/accept you're less than perfect and feeling like the world is out to get you.

Wow. And you married this man?
drspouse · 12/06/2021 08:37

My DS does this but he's 9 and has SEN and we explain we didn't bump him/it was an accident/he can carry things one at a time.

But your DH isn't 9 and I assume doesn't have dyspraxia.

Bluntness100 · 12/06/2021 08:38

Goodness, some wome really live with some immature irresponsible men, I couldn’t be doing with this and certainly wouldn’t find it attractive.

Thisbastardcomputer · 12/06/2021 08:41

Yes that happens here too. If something happens in the house ie like one of the dogs shits in the kitchen, I'm always shouted to assist, if I find it, I just get on with sorting it.

What drives me to most crazy is, he sits at the computer shouting me to come and sort out the printer or something, he doesn't get off his arse to come and find me.

Original poster
TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 08:42

[quote SoStrange]@Hoolihan, I’d say that this was your fault, texting during an interview!![/quote]
He should have had his phone on silent!

I'm surprised how many think this is abusive behaviour. That is a very low threshold for abusive...

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 12/06/2021 08:43

@PollyPicket

Can't believe you're even getting the blame here too, op.
So you’re blaming the women here for OP’s DH’s bad behaviour?
Cadent · 12/06/2021 08:44

I'm surprised how many think this is abusive behaviour. That is a very low threshold for abusive...

It’s not attractive though is it? Does a big shit and blames it on you. Imagine shagging that.

Hoolihan · 12/06/2021 08:45

[quote SoStrange]@Hoolihan, I’d say that this was your fault, texting during an interview!![/quote]
I had thought the interview was an hour later than it was, otherwise I wouldn't have done it but regardless, he should have had his phone on silent.

legotruck · 12/06/2021 08:45

I'm surprised how many think this is abusive behaviour. That is a very low threshold for abusive...

That's the thing with abuse. It's starts with low level stuff and escalates gradually. Sometimes over weeks, sometimes months and sometimes many years go by, but it's always there. It's easy for us as outsiders to spot this behaviour - you are minimising and denying which is typical of a manipulated person.

SoStrange · 12/06/2021 08:49

@Hoolihan and others- sure phones can be turned on silent but you admit you made a mistake about the interview time. I’d be upset with dh if he did that! Obviously not entirely your fault though but might have thrown him quite a bit.

stackemhigh · 12/06/2021 08:50

@SoStrange why so aggressive? Hooligans didn’t ‘admit’ anything. Maybe her DH told her the wrong time.

Stop blaming women!

ineedaholidaynow · 12/06/2021 08:51

How do you think it looks like to your DC if their mum always gets the blame for anything that goes wrong in the house?

stackemhigh · 12/06/2021 08:51

Hoolihan not hooligan, autotwat strikes!

Hoolihan · 12/06/2021 08:53

[quote SoStrange]@Hoolihan and others- sure phones can be turned on silent but you admit you made a mistake about the interview time. I’d be upset with dh if he did that! Obviously not entirely your fault though but might have thrown him quite a bit.[/quote]
If British Gas called you in the middle of am interview to talk to you about your boiler servicing contract, would you blame British Gas or would it be your fault for not switching your phone off? This incident happened when we were in our 20s, lived in different towns, I had a busy job of my own and must admit I had not committed the time of his interview to indelible memory. But that was my mistake of course as he should always be front and centre in my life.

Original poster
TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 08:53

@legotruck

I'm surprised how many think this is abusive behaviour. That is a very low threshold for abusive...

That's the thing with abuse. It's starts with low level stuff and escalates gradually. Sometimes over weeks, sometimes months and sometimes many years go by, but it's always there. It's easy for us as outsiders to spot this behaviour - you are minimising and denying which is typical of a manipulated person.

Manipulated? Where are you getting all this from? I know these things aren't my fault. Noone is manipulating me. You need to consider you own behaviour - stop gaslighting me.
OP posts:
KeepingTrack · 12/06/2021 08:55

Tbh I wouldn’t use the word abusive.
But it wouldn’t be a character flaw you just accept. It would drive me potty.
And as others said, if he doesn’t do it to his friends or bosss/colleagues, why is it ok for you to accept it?