DH blames me for everything

[TenLittleBears]

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

Kicking things and screaming is not acceptable behaviour in any context. That is not what the OP was describing. If your DH is kiscking things and screaing and you are too scared of his reaction to talk back, then that to me does fall under the banner of abusive behaviour.

@DollyTots

My DH does this too. I confront it by completely and openly joking about it, often preempting before he’s about to do it e.g ‘go on then, how’s that my fault grin’ he recognises his reaction, we both laugh. Other times, I don’t have the patience for that and don’t react so tolerantly.
Unfortunately it has led to me being hypersensitive to criticism because I feel like anything could be my fault.

This stuff is insidious, look at Dolly, on the face of it she’s well used to calling her DH out when he does this - but look at the overall impact on her - she has become hypersensitive and thinks anything could be her fault. We think we can cope with it but it is extremely damaging when it’s sustained.

My mum did this when I was a child and in some occasions still does.

The toilet broke about a fortnight ago. She was the last person before using it and the one using it as it actually broke. "you just have knocked it at some point and damaged it."

An ornament in her bedroom broke. It's packed up, not on display and right at the back corner of her room with some other bits that need sorting. You have to go right round her bed to get anything. (she's the only person using that room) "you must have knocked it off when you got me my cardigan" cardigan that was hanging on her door, across the room (with the bed in the way) of said ornaments.

She can't be the bad guy or in the wrong for anything. She's a good mum but this really irritates me every bloody time.

@HeadNorth

Kicking things and screaming is not acceptable behaviour in any context. That is not what the OP was describing. If your DH is kiscking things and screaing and you are too scared of his reaction to talk back, then that to me does fall under the banner of abusive behaviour.

Maybe it wasn't clear, that's what I was saying, it can definitely be abusive and things can get worse from more minor 'blame shifting' early on to abusive, but that that isn't necessarily what's happening in the OPs situation.

What the OP is describing feels very different from 'D'H behaviour. Obviously the screaming and kicking is very different but other things have been more like incidents the OPs written, but to me the other big difference is she's not afraid of his reaction and has no problem raising the issue. I should probably have used a different example 😳. Things could be building up to abuse as some posters fear, but it doesn't seem abusive currently.

@LunaAndHer3Stars

I don't think it's as simple as this behaviour is abusive. But it can be. DH does these sort of things. One that stuck in my mind was a missed an exit on holidays. I told DH well before, told him we needed to change lanes early, he wouldn't listen, then when it was too late he got angry I couldn't immediately tell him what way to go. He never ever acknowledges fault. The closest he got was started saying I'm sorry, then it turned into but he was actually fully justified to be kicking things and screaming and it was all my fault because he wasn't getting his needs met. Things like blaming me he commutes to work on the bus, then when I suggest sharing the car he doesn't want to take the car because parking is too expensive. To me this gaslighting feels different to some of the in the moment situations mentioned on the thread. The other big difference is I feel too scared of his reaction to talk back.

That sounds awful to have to live with, I hope you have some real life support x

It was a while ago, we're coexisting currently, it's mostly Ok. No relationship left anymore but our DSs have SEN and I'm sick and Covid, have all made seperating tricky. Slowly getting ducks in a row.

@NormaSnorks

For those saying they have autistic DHs or DSs who do this, what is the best strategy for dealing with it and trying to get them to recognise their behaviour? DS 18 is like this and it causes so many arguments and quite frankly I don’t think DS recognises how problematic it is - he only sees ‘his’ version of things as the truth!

With my ds it's discussion.

Getting him to explain why he thinks that was my fault.

Getting him to tell me the order things happened.

Getting him to tell me how he thinks I feel about it.

Always the how do you think I feel was the eye opener. He always assumed others would think he did things on purpose and would be cross as he cannot put himself in others shoes.

Once we could address that others weren't cross over accidents but were cross over blaming them is they weren't at fault we could then address better ways to deal with it. What to say etc.

My partner does this all the time, but even worse, accuses me of doing the same, which I most certainly don't, and is even more emotionally abusive. "Oh there we go again, turning this round to me my fault" er no, that doesn't even make sense, considering what I just said.

@redtshirt50

My DP does this too sometimes

The other day our dog had an upset stomach and pooed in our bedroom during the night. I woke up to the smell and the first thing DP says it that it's my fault for not making sure she went before she came in

Then in the morning, he tells me that he'd actually heard her crying to go out during the night but hadn't bothered to get up! After I pointed out this totally makes it his fault, he backtracked and said it was only a tiny cry

luckily I don't really care whose 'fault' things are as long as he helps me sort it out he can pretend it's my fault

Poor dog ☹️ I’d be absolutely furious at my husband for this

@OrchestraOfWankery

I wonder how many of these men would tolerate this behaviour if it was turned back on them?

My mum was like this until my ultra placid dad sighed one day "nothing's ever your fault is it love?". She said she was shocked rigid and it genuinely made her think and change. I make myself remember that because I suspect I have similar tendencies (I can absolve myself of blame by going back to stuff that happened years ago ).

My DH is equally irritating though. If something happens that he could have avoided I get "oh so it's my fault is it?". He gets quite surprised when I reply "Yes!".

Well, he isn't going to change. If the rest of it is so great that it makes up for this nasty, self-serving and mean-spirited behaviour, you must be happy.

My father was like this, but not all the time. I remember one time he was furious because he couldn't find his shoes. He always put his shoes in the exact same place so if they weren't there somebody must have moved them. He didn't seem to realise that nobody would have actually dared to move his shoes (even assuming we had any reason to), but the problem was nobody dared to tell him that either, at least until he'd come down from his mood.

XH was a blamer (among several other charming attributes), and I'm pretty sure it's because his dad was like a more unhinged version of my dad, so admitting fault could have been quite dangerous for him and his siblings. Fortunately he was a much gentler character himself. Unfortunately however reasonable I tried to be, he might seem to get it for a while, but would go back to the old ways eventually. Sometimes he would say "I never said it was your fault", but he did make it sound like he thought it was without exactly using those words...

Towards the end of the marriage he started to outright accuse me of things, such as hiding his credit card. Obviously I must have hidden it because I was able to "find it" immediately. (Fabulous bit of detective work if I say so myself. Asked him where it had been, worked out his movements in the last half hour, and found where it had dropped out of his pocket behind the furniture. Only a twit carries a credit card loose in their open trouser pocket. And he did it again a couple of weeks later. Still my fault. Then he properly lost one and I got it replaced. Then he properly lost that one and I got him taken off the account. This apparently was what I had been after all along.)

Er, sorry, I could bore for Britain on the subject of my ex. A psychologist would find him a fascinating field study, except XH would never submit to examination because he was terrified of being found out.

Probably killed the thread now. Sorry again.

@Hopeisnotastrategy

Where do you think this has come from OP? It sounds like a default mechanism left over from childhood, would you say his parents were overly critical or expected very high standards? I ask because I know someone like this.

Wherever it comes from, please don't accept it for the sake of a quiet life. It must be so wearing. I just wonder if a chat along the above lines might help him see what he's doing and where it comes from, if you think that might have some relevance.

It’s really interesting that you say this. My husband used to do this and it was absolutely a defence mechanism. When I was young if I made a mistake my parents said ‘don’t worry it was an accident’. I think DPs parents were the type to say ‘what did you do that for?’ or ‘who did that?’ Etc. Made him very quick to try to deflect blame for things. It took years for me to reassure him enough that he stopped doing it out of habit. I think it was only really when we had the DC and he heard me say it over and over to them that he relaxed enough to just stop being defensive. He is fab now and is lovely with the DGC - too soft even

DH does that here @Anniegetyourgun. If something's missing it must be my fault, I must have used it or moved it.

He once accused me of locking him out of the house. One of the DC likes to turn the locks. The strangest one to me was him thinking I'd chucked rubbish on the ground all around the wheely bin. I don't know why he thought I'd ever do that. The crows root through the bin sometimes if it's overfull and the lids up.

Mines like that too! I just tell him to piss off.Once he knocked the telly over and I wasn't in the room.He was gutted he couldn't blame it on me.