DH blames me for everything

[TenLittleBears]

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

@stackemhigh Nope! But I am the scapegoat in my family of origin and I ended up in an abusive relationship with a very controlling man.

I escaped 14 years ago and I'm good now, all's well because I've done some work as they say. Ongoing though. I'm in therapy once a fortnight just to head in the right direction still.

For a long time I thought it was the elephant in my family of origin's room that the way I was raised was linked to my abusive relationship. But I realised a few years ago when my mother said ''How did you EVER end up with *Mike?'' that it is not the elephant in the room at all. They are in complete denial.

I've been looking in to family of origin dynamics and they're very interesting. The parent who projects everything outwards, the enabler parent, the Golden child. The scapegoat child.

Some days it feels a little bit self-indulgent to be back in psychotherapy because really I'm doing ok, not beset with anxiety at all but I'm still de-programming emotionally.

Seeing all of this doesn't mean you're impervious to the emotional hit.

I'm going to start saying "that's very unattractive behaviour" when he does it. I think that might help get the message across better actually.

@spacegirl123 does he do that with anyone else, work colleagues, friends etc.

Did he have very strict parents?

Did he learn, as a child, to quickly deflect blame so he would not be in trouble?

Some families really have a “blame culture”

@MagnoliaBeige

The amount of posters who have been conditioned to put up with this behaviour is utterly depressing. I’m guessing when things go wrong in other adjectives his life he’s not so quick to apportion blame. I’d be exhausted trying to defend myself constantly as I hate being unfairly accused of stuff. Demand more from the person who’s supposed to be in partnership with you!

Yes I'm horrified by the number of posters who put up with this crap from partners. Husband has once or twice jokingly tried this on me and has quickly pulled his head in when I've called him out.

@LemonLemonLemon

I wonder if it (in some cases) it comes from being blamed and told off for accidents as children.

For example in my house, breaking a glass would have got you a terrible telling off and still induces panic in me as an adult.

On the rare occasion that DH has blamed me for something ridiculous, I remind him that accidents happen, there doesn’t have to be “blame” or taking on guilt or burden over silly mistakes

This is interesting to me actually because it was the same in my house so whenever I do something like break some crockery my immediate reaction is to be scared that I'll get told off. Which obviously doesn't happen because I'm an adult and it's a plate.

If I do do something DH isn't mean about it either so. It's just if he does something he can't cope with it.

The Blame Game is actually a common tactic abusers use before they ramp up abuse.

I'm sure lots of non-abusive people do it too but usually they learn very quickly that they have responsibility for their own actions.

I left my first husband because of this
He crashed his car out driving alone and blamed me because I drove the car the day before and adjusted the mirror
He would never take the blame for anything, the peace of mind I now have with a partner who isn't like this is liberating 😊

My dad is like this - I hadn't realised it was so common. We spent our childhoods apologising and trying not to upset him. Every little thing that went wrong or broke had to have a culprit, and it was never him.

I find myself apologising for all sorts to my husband. He just looks at me like I'm mad and asks how it could possibly be my fault.

@TenLittleBears

I'm going to start saying "that's very unattractive behaviour" when he does it. I think that might help get the message across better actually.

Yes, make it clear that you do not have to defend yourself to him.

Also just to add this Is how it started off before he became more abusive , he made me feel so low and my self esteem was rock bottom I didn't even challenge how he behaved towards me , he once blames me that his tea burnt because I was speaking to him whilst oven was on it was my fault he never got the job because I kept him awake the night before crying when when my best friend had just died.

This thread is so interesting.

I'm female and I have this character trait. I don't know why - I didn't have abusive parents. I just find it hard to take responsibility or admit to mistakes.

A perceptive (and brutally honest) friend called me out on it in my early twenties - I remember being in tears, devastated by the shock of realising that what he said about my blaming behaviour was true.
It did me good though, because I now am aware of this tendency in myself, and try to catch myself doing it.

@ConstanceMarkievicz that all makes sense.

I’ve definitely played the scapegoat role in my family at times, I’m sorry you had that too. Hope you don’t take their crap anymore?

I was always told I had an attitude problem by family for standing up to bullying behaviour from siblings and later, their husbands.

It probably contributed to my staying with abusive ex, because it has been drummed me into me that I had an attitude.

I wouldn't say his family are very blameful - they're actually very lovely and functional. More so than my own family. DH does get very worried about making mistakes though. At work this manifests in indecision which he has been pulled up on and is trying to improve.

@Cocogreen so your dp is only joking but ours are abusive?

Brenee Brown talks about this...

Might be worth watching this short video about blame with your H.

His reaction will help you see if this is fiaxable or not..
www.voicetube.com/videos/22510

I watched it with my ex husband... He didn't get it at all qnd refused to admit he was blaming unfairly and look at his behaviour.

In contrast, my two teens watched it and "got" it immediately, and we still say "damn you steve" jokingly if one of us feels like blaming the other.

Dh does this. He also hates criticism and will try to deflect or diminish. I often point out that he'd go nuts if I or the kids did it and he just mutters to himself.

Eg. Gas hob left on the other night (by him). I noticed cos I heard it hissing. Tbf, he's a bit deaf, so wouldn't have heard it.

I went and told him what he'd done, complete with obligatory 'you could have burned the house down.'

I was given a load of reasons why it wasn't his fault. To which I then reminded him how he'd have reacted if one of us had done it, complete with examples of his tedious lectures.

Interesting how many pp's dhs had twatty dads. Dh dad was a twat and would criticise him in front of me when I first started going out with him. Dh is a v v good man, but he struggles to overcome this. When he gets too critical with the kids, I remind him that neither of us invited our dads to our wedding.

[quote SoStrange]@Hoolihan, I’d say that this was your fault, texting during an interview!![/quote]
So turning phone off/to silent is actually a thing and what if a friend who didnt know you had a interview had texted, would that be the friends fault?

My ex husband used to do this (and still does if he can) and it was a huge contributing factor as to why I left him.

A year before I left I warned him I couldn’t go on with him behaving like he was, he didn’t listen and was surprised when I said enough was enough.

It may only be small things that seem petty but over time it was like death by a thousand cuts

[quote Melitza]@Cocogreen so your dp is only joking but ours are abusive?[/quote]
Coco’s Dh only did it twice and stopped. Sounds like with OP’s DH he won’t stop.

Of course the ideal outcome here is that he stops but that seems unlikely given how often it happens.

That is a very low threshold for abusive...

It’s called blame shifting @TenLittleBears it’s a really common occurrence in verbal abuse which comes under the emotional abuse umbrella.

Here is a link for more info -

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/202006/narcissists-controllers-and-the-art-blame-shifting%3famp

Yes, Brene Browne has written a lot about shame but her books annoy me a little. I think it's because I feel she is a very confident person and I want to know, how does a more fearful person experience this journey?

I really like Dr Joseph Brugo's book about shame. Also, John Bradshaw (who is religious but that doesn't actually take away from his valuable insights in any way) has written a book about projecting shame outwards.

I think Harriet Learner said that the person who can never say sorry (or a blamer) is standing on such a narrow platform of self-esteem that they do not see themselves as a rounded individual who can make a mistake and still be a good person. The platform of solid self-esteem beneath them is so small that they experience any feedback as YOU ARE WORTHLESS

And, in the case of a person who cannot even handle bumping in to a piece of furniture in the way, bumping in to an inanimate object threatens their sense of self and makes them feel worthless!?

My husband does this about everything. I used to get annoyed but now I just say yes it was me I came home from work and did it while u were napping on the sofa. Or I just agree. He says your just saying it was you. I agree cos life is too short not to be passive aggressive when he is being a dick head. 😁

[quote Lachimolala]That is a very low threshold for abusive...

It’s called blame shifting @TenLittleBears it’s a really common occurrence in verbal abuse which comes under the emotional abuse umbrella.

Here is a link for more info -

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/202006/narcissists-controllers-and-the-art-blame-shifting%3famp[/quote]
Yes, I do realise the behaviour is undesirable which is why I posted moaning about it. I really don't feel it's part of a pattern of abusive behaviour though. For sure it can be but I just don't see it in my situation for reasons I've already mentioned and am not going to go over again.