Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

DH blames me for everything

190 replies

TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 04:30

This is weird right! For example this morning he went to the loo and it clogged (very unusual). His first though wasn't "I must have clogged the toilet" like any normal person, nope, it was "wife, this must be from when you went to the loo last night". Errrrr no. That was over 12 hours ago and the toilet has had use in-between!

He's a great guy and I do love him but this always blaming me for things drives me nuts. This is just one example but he does it with literally everything. I've called him out on it so many times but it makes no difference, he just does it without thinking. Like the time he reversed his car into a bollard and it was me shouting "watch out for that bollard" that caused the whole thing...

OP posts:

NormaSnorks · 12/06/2021 09:33

For those saying they have autistic DHs or DSs who do this, what is the best strategy for dealing with it and trying to get them to recognise their behaviour?
DS 18 is like this and it causes so many arguments and quite frankly I don’t think DS recognises how problematic it is - he only sees ‘his’ version of things as the truth!

MeanderingGently · 12/06/2021 09:34

I'm another one who thinks this is a really interesting thread. The blame happened in my marriage too....now I'm divorced I can look back and see things which I couldn't when younger and married.

As a child, my parents thought me "difficult" because my character wasn't like my mother's. So it was "all my fault" when something happened in the family. It often wasn't. When my father was ill, it was also all my fault....not directly, but if I was ever loud, boisterous or anything, I was "making my father ill".

At first I never even knew I was accepting the same in my marriage. It was small things at first and I never noticed. Then we had a disabled child and that was definitely "all my fault" and things went downhill from there. By the time we divorced I had begun to see that there was too much inequality between us. We had counselling at one point, I asked how it could be "all my fault"....surely a marriage comprises of two people and compromise....? No answer. I also asked, OK, if everything is all my fault, what would you like me to change, how would you like me to be different, what could we do together to make it work instead? Again, no answer. Backed into a corner on this one, my then husband just answered "it would never work".

OK says I, and then I walked away from the marriage for ever. Best move.

MumsNet wasn't around in those days, I wish I'd had the wisdom on here back then, it would have helped me see things more clearly and possibly helped prevent some of the years of depression which followed, until I healed.....

ConstanceMarkievicz · 12/06/2021 09:36

My mother is not open to hearing any feedback at all but in a marriage where you say he is good sometimes, would he be open to you telling him that YOU would feel safer in the relationship if he could show weakness sometimes. Ie, admit that he made a mistake, hurt you...

CandyLeBonBon · 12/06/2021 09:36

@NormaSnorks

For those saying they have autistic DHs or DSs who do this, what is the best strategy for dealing with it and trying to get them to recognise their behaviour? DS 18 is like this and it causes so many arguments and quite frankly I don’t think DS recognises how problematic it is - he only sees ‘his’ version of things as the truth!

Yes my 19 asd son is the same it's very frustrating

Kotatsu · 12/06/2021 09:36

My ex used to do this too - he'd also do things like if I slipped over, he'd get really angry at me for doing it (I should have taken my friends shocked faces at his reaction much more seriously - would have saved me 10 years), or, when we were selling a car, he'd have me do all the driving the last couple of days, so that if some kind of accident were to happen, he'd be able to blame me (I realised this once after he made some careless comment, and he admitted that was what he was doing).

it is abusive, and it's not a good sign, but it's also so easy to minimise, and I wish I hadn't.

legotruck · 12/06/2021 09:37

Manipulated? Where are you getting all this from? I know these things aren't my fault. Noone is manipulating me. You need to consider you own behaviour - stop gaslighting me.

Look at this OP, just look. I have posted, calling out your DH and here you are defending him by saying he isn't manipulating you

100% you have been conditioned to accept and minimise his gaslighting. Not mine. Fucking hell, I say what I see and this guy is a prick.

Lachimolala · 12/06/2021 09:39

@TenLittleBears I’m not asking you to go over any reasons as to why you think it isn’t abuse (it absolutely is) or whatnot, my previous comment was in response to you unfairly accusing other posters of gaslighting you when they weren’t.

You’re presenting as someone in complete denial which is actually really sad, but it’s your choice. If you feel you can live with his blame shifting then that’s up to you.

ConstanceMarkievicz · 12/06/2021 09:40

@MeanderingGently some parallels my parents weren't bad people but they projected a lot of low self-esteem crap on to me. And if I pushed back I was sensitive. And if I tried to insist the labels stopped I was angry. And then If I said they hurt me with their labels I was ''silly'' while they evaded any real conversation and stonewalled me if I tried to talk to them. And then, if I snapped they were back to ''angry'' (label 2).
So it's a family system that protects them at my expense. I have had to back away but it's really hard because I still have this hope that they might one day get it.

Nonmaquillee · 12/06/2021 09:43

@NormaSnorks

For those saying they have autistic DHs or DSs who do this, what is the best strategy for dealing with it and trying to get them to recognise their behaviour? DS 18 is like this and it causes so many arguments and quite frankly I don’t think DS recognises how problematic it is - he only sees ‘his’ version of things as the truth!

In my thankfully very very limited experience of blame-shifting men: the two men I mentioned upthread - the nasty temper man (who could suddenly rant about something out of the blue - very unsettling) had a diagnosis of Asperger’s, and the second man, who hit me, certainly had a very black and white view of the world and could be infuriatingly stubborn. His mood was also unpredictable. He had grown up with a verbally abusive father.

Just my thankfully very limited experience - but enough to spot the traits and steer clear.

Nonmaquillee · 12/06/2021 09:45

@legotruck

Manipulated? Where are you getting all this from? I know these things aren't my fault. Noone is manipulating me. You need to consider you own behaviour - stop gaslighting me.

Look at this OP, just look. I have posted, calling out your DH and here you are defending him by saying he isn't manipulating you

100% you have been conditioned to accept and minimise his gaslighting. Not mine. Fucking hell, I say what I see and this guy is a prick.

Spot on. So sad not to see it for what it is.

The sense of peace you can feel once you get away from a man like this is indescribable.

LakieLady · 12/06/2021 09:49

My ex was like this, and it got worse over the years until I actually binned the fucker.

I got the blame for him having hangovers, because I'd pissed him off, and he had to go out and get pissed; pranging his work van, because I'd annoyed him so much he couldn't sleep and was overtired; sending a shard of wood into his hand when using a bench saw incorrectly (tired, as before); ruining three shirts by putting them in with dark stuff (because I'd stopped doing his washing when I told him our marriage was over) and getting badly sunburned when out walking because I hadn't told him it was going to be sunny.

Best of all, he blamed me for his haemorrhoids, because they were caused by the stress I gave him.

legotruck · 12/06/2021 09:49

Not prepared to get into the autistic argument because I'm so sick of seeing it used as an excuse/reason for abuse on all levels, but i do want to mention that I am autistic and am a firm believer in owning your mistakes. This kind of behaviour isn't an autistic trait. It's a cunty one.

Mellonsprite · 12/06/2021 09:50

@jamaisjedors

Brenee Brown talks about this...

Might be worth watching this short video about blame with your H.

His reaction will help you see if this is fiaxable or not..
www.voicetube.com/videos/22510

I watched it with my ex husband... He didn't get it at all qnd refused to admit he was blaming unfairly and look at his behaviour.

In contrast, my two teens watched it and "got" it immediately, and we still say "damn you steve" jokingly if one of us feels like blaming the other.

Thanks for sharing this video. One of my DS has always automatically blamed anyone but himself. I’d really like him to not do this, but he’s done it ever since he was a very small boy.

Slipperfairy · 12/06/2021 09:51

As someone said upthread, I do sometimes agree with dh.

"Someone's hidden my hat."
"Yes it was me. I have absolutely fuck all else to do with my time, than deliberately set out to make your life difficult."

I'm not sure I'd class it as abusive behaviour, taken as only one trait. I lived with an abusive man for 2 years and it was nothing, nothing like when dh is a knob.

LakieLady · 12/06/2021 09:52

@Nonmaquillee, that's interesting. My ex had a physically abusive, alcoholic father and I often wondered if that had something to do with his weird inability to accept that anything was his fault.

Sorry you had to go through that.

Panaesthesia · 12/06/2021 10:05

I solved this by never touching any of his possessions, never speaking up or getting involved in his spats, never involving myself. He can't blame me as I'm so far removed from his stressor that he just goes red and fumes at himself.

WeAllHaveWings · 12/06/2021 10:12

My dad used to do that to my mum and to us.

We were always worried about making a mistake or breaking something. It is one thing you choosing to put up with it, but it will impact any children more it he does it to them, or they witness it happening to you. It is one of those behaviours that slowly chip away at confidence and self esteem.

If he doesn't do it to them ask yourself why he chooses to do it to you?

Lollypop701 · 12/06/2021 10:12

I don’t consider this manipulation of the op because the op is aware he’s a knob, isn’t accepting blame, is calling him out and he (eventually) accepts he’s a knob. Op is not accepting this one aspect of bad behaviour in a generally good man. If she comes back with an altogether different backstory then that would be different.

legotruck · 12/06/2021 10:13

Op is not accepting this one aspect of bad behaviour in a generally good man.

Good men don't have 'bead aspects' of behaviour.

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 12/06/2021 10:14

I wonder whether these men have all been used to having women doing everything for them throughout their lives (and regarded as responsible for everything, hence so easily reverting the blame on them?).

Our elderly (ex feral) cat started weeing on the floor in the hall (at some point overnight) for no particular reason (he has in/out access easily). DP goes to bed much later than me (by a matter of a couple of hours), so easy for him to put the cat out before bedtime to do his business. But it turns out he wasn't doing so and then blaming me for the cat's accidents in the hall.

Depechemodebiggestfan · 12/06/2021 10:14

MyDH is like that too. I’m blamed for everything, he shouts, screams…
Simplest things everything.
He will have a bad day at work because of something else, however it’s actually my faults as I was turning too much in a bed at night, so he couldn’t get a good sleep, hence he is rubbish at work the next day and all cos of me.
Manchester United loses their game and it’s my fault too as I don’t like them…

Even if the world would end up tomorrow, it will be somewhat my fault.
Eggshells life..

SleepyPartyTime · 12/06/2021 10:16

@legotruck

Good men don't have 'bead aspects' of behaviour.

Yes they do. Guess what? You do too. This thread is mental. It's an annoying character trait but unless it's part of a larger pattern it's not abusive.

Original poster

TenLittleBears · 12/06/2021 10:19

[quote SleepyPartyTime]@legotruck

Good men don't have 'bead aspects' of behaviour.

Yes they do. Guess what? You do too. This thread is mental. It's an annoying character trait but unless it's part of a larger pattern it's not abusive.[/quote]
Generally I've found this thread quite enlightening and interesting. Some posters though? Absolutely bonkers. But you have to expect that from Mumsnet, particularly AIBU.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 12/06/2021 10:21

Don’t know if you have children op but reading these comments, it doesn’t sound great to have a father who is never at fault himself

legotruck · 12/06/2021 10:21

That's right OP we are all bonkers for bringing our knowledge to your post

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8