@DollyTots
My DH does this too. I confront it by completely and openly joking about it, often preempting before he’s about to do it e.g ‘go on then, how’s that my fault
’ he recognises his reaction, we both laugh. Other times, I don’t have the patience for that and don’t react so tolerantly.
Unfortunately it has led to me being hypersensitive to criticism because I feel like anything could be my fault.
To others saying would he do this at work, to family or friends. Yes. Yet he’s still highly employable, well regarded and appreciated by the few friends he has and obviously, loved by me.
I do see it as a character flaw but it’s one we, and his support network confront and deal with. Like with anyone’s imperfections, you choose what and how you’re prepared to deal with things, if at all.
I'm willing to bet that whilst his other skills are in demand, making it possible for him to get a job easily, there is some junior member of staff - probably female - who is always on the receiving end of his bullying. Because that's what it is - bullying - to make sure that somebody else is always accused of being responsible for one's own fuckups.
That report wasn't filed in time - blame the admin.
The figures aren't accurate - blame the admin for printing off the wrong version or for giving him the wrong information.
The meeting was forgotten - blame the admin for him not telling her there was a meeting in the first place.
The kettle isn't working - blame the admin for breaking it and for not buying a replacement.
The bypass feeder door on the photocopier is broken - blame the admin when she heard him slamming it so hard that the hinge snapped.
A window was left open overnight so somebody broke in and stole thousands of pounds of equipment - blame the admin when it's his window.
Over time, the admin is constantly being pulled up for fuckups that are nothing to do with her. She's constantly on edge, wondering what she's going to be accused of next. Her appraisal documents have a long list of fuckups that aren't her fault and, because The Man is SO VALUABLE, they can't believe that a) everything is her fault and b) she should be more proactive to ensure that his fuckups don't occur in the first place. She doesn't get a raise because of it. But he does. And when she points out that it's impossible for these things to be her fault 'Well, we all know what Nigel is like, but the business needs a ..... and they're very hard to find whereas you're just an admin girl and you're ten a penny '
Eventually, the admin has enough and gets a job somewhere else if he hasn't rendered her unemployable through his covert character assassination of her abilities. New admin starts - on a lower salary as thanks to Nigel's targeted blame campaign that admin aren't actually that competent and need lots of micromanaging because the last one was incompetent. Every story is that the last admin did this and that.
Although, if the new admin is younger and attractive, it becomes equally likely that she gets stories of how The Wife always fucks up and how he is the poor, hapless hero who doesn't deserve to be blamed for her mistakes. Maybe she thinks he's such a nice guy, he must be misunderstood. He complains that he's in the doghouse because he didn't turn up to the kids' special event, but it wasn't his fault because The Wife didn't tell him about it until the last minute three months ago when she put it on the calendar and reminded him seven times. Oh, poor man. Such a lovely guy. He just needs somebody to look after him.
And if that scenario pans out, it's then not his fault, either...