Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

She’s not you

I spent my 20s working hard and paying most my wages to live in a room in a grotty shared house. It’s not all fun fun fun. Lot to be said for getting on the housing ladder and have some security. Has she ever been the partying every night person? Not everyone is, her idea of fun might be staying at home or having friends round.

I was about to say the same.

I'd feel the same, OP. I wouldn't say anything but I'd think it. Can't think of anything more dreary than being with the same person from the age of 16.

I understand your concerns about her being young, but she's happy. Isn't that all we want for our children? It's her life and she has to do things her way.

You're pining for a fantasy, no more and no less. When I was a teenager I wanted to live in a loft apartment in the city, didn't take me long to realise that actually I'd hate it.

She's found her life partner earlier than you did. Life can still bring plenty of adventure if that's what she wants.

And what she wants is actually the only thing that matters!

I've been with my husband since we were 16/17, we married at 26 and had our first baby at 28. We're both homebodies and happy like that. Sometimes I wonder what if...but I wouldn't change a thing.

Yes there's something to be said for doing your thing in your 20s... but if she's already met someone who makes her happy, then it's done. Sounds like she had her plan, but then found something better. Should she break up with him to do some wild oat sowing? If she's happy, she's happy

Encourage her to see more of her friends if you feel her life is becoming insular.

She sounds like she's got a good head on her. Not everyone wants to go out partying, just because you did doesn't mean she likes it. I bought a house and had a baby by the time I was 25 I'm in my 30s now and still not into going out. did it all up to 24 and I didn't really enjoy it tbh.

That’s a tricky one because you clearly love her and her boyfriend but have had different life experiences.
You asked for experiences, so here’s mine. I had my first baby at 24. I had a fairly worldly life before that but I don’t think it suited me. I wasn’t confident enough for it. I liked comfort and security but felt I ought to be out living life. Now I’m well into my 40s I love a little weekend away, a night out, or the odd snog after too much wine.
I think we all make our own lives in the way that suits us.
I had a few other young mum friends and we all enjoyed it and looked forward to our freedom years in our 40s. That’s what we’re doing now.
I have no regrets.

I realise you are talking marriage not babies, but try to trust DD to know her own mind and grow at her own pace. They sound like a lovely couple and if it’s right they will have adventures together

I think I spent quite a lot of my 20s worrying that I would never find anyone to settle down with!
There are pros and cons to everything and no reason why she won't be perfectly happy for the rest of her life.

She'll either stay with him for life and it's meant to be or it won't but she'll be protected if they split when then they're married.

Soooo you don’t want her to break up with her future husband but you want her to spend her 20s single and enjoying her life?

What’s stopping her enjoying her 20s as a married woman? They might not have kids immediately, why can’t that go on adventures together? Or separately with their own friends?

She isn’t you, she’s living her life her way and there’s nothing wrong with that at all! YANBU necessarily for thinking it but YwouldBU to tell her

I would just encourage her to still see her friends and develop her own interests, no reason why she can't do this in a committed relationship, but an important part of growing up is developing your own identity

I got married young, had had all my four children by age 28. I'd completed uni and worked for a year but then had 12 years as a sahm self-employed to earn pin money. Then dh and I 'swapped' and I went back to work. I am loving having a career now that I know I won't need to have a break from. It's liberating and exciting. I love that my children are becoming adults and if they have children, I'll be young enough to enjoy my grandchildren's childhood with lots of energy. And maybe even see great-grandchildren. My kids had wonderful relationships with my grandparents. It does my head in when people worry about people marrying young. The right time is the right time, regardless of your age. My husband and I have a wonderful marriage full of laughter and love. We 'grew up' together and feel like true life partners. I don't feel like I've missed out on anything at all. On the contrary - I think I've done things exactly the right way...for me. And your daughter may well be doing exactly the right thing at the right time for her. Just because it wouldn't have been the right time for you, you're not the same people.

She can still be independent, see friends, go on adventures whilst married, it’s a modern world! It’s not like he’s taking ownership of her. Nobody knows what is coming in the future, so just enjoy the fact that your daughter is happy and living her life the way she wants to right now.

I have no personal experience of marrying young but I have friends that did. Their children are grown up now whereas mine are young. They are having the times of their lives now (outwith the pandemic) going on holidays and nights out and doing the sorts of things I did in my twenties whereas I am bathing kids and taking them to the park. If he is nice and she is happy she is very lucky.

I met DH at 18, engaged at 19 and married at 22. We had a lot of fun while married. We did holidays and nights out together. We bought our house when I was 24 and DS came along in 2019 when I was 27. I don't feel like I missed out on anything and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Life is a rich tapestry. I was the wild child who travelled and partied through my 20/30s and settled down with partner had kids later. I have mates who settled early & had kids15 years before I did. They are now enjoying freedom whilst I'm a taxi service for two mad busy kids.
Some earlier settlers are now divorced and some not. Loads of my mates are somewhere in the middle of this. A million life events effect it all.
Leave her to create her own life story

She's happy, that's all you should concentrate on.

I was 17 when I started dating my now husband. We bought our first house when I was 23 and married when I was 25. Dd1 came along at 27. He is about 4.5 years older than me.

I think taking the time to date and get to know each other properly before we decided/could afford to move in together has given us a firm base for our married life together and we are still very happy (it’s our 10 year wedding anniversary in November.)

I’m more of a homebody and an introvert and never liked going out drinking etc and I’ve never been that interested in travelling and hate things like camping/festivals so I don’t feel hard done by by settling down young.

I don’t think she’d be missing out. I was married with a child by 25 and can honestly say I’m content. Me and DH have had lots of fun together and equally we’ve both still had lots of experiences with friends, just not sexual experiences. She can still have a really fulfilling life whether they stay together or not. Most importantly, you like him so focus on that and enjoy seeing her happy.

At the end of the day I’m happy that she is happy it’s just such an odd time with covid. All through uni/before covid she used to see her boyfriend a weekend or two a month and would go out/spend time with friends/was looking into (not that seriously) moving abroad alone. She wasn’t a homebody at all. Since covid she has obviously seen less of her friends and has become more of a homebody understandably. It seems her priorities have shifted and she quite suddenly decided to move in with her boyfriend and get a dog during lockdown, I just hope that it is a permanent shift in priorities not just a distraction from covid. She is an adult though and I think I trust her judgment.
And I am probably looking back at my twenties with rose tinted glasses/hanging on to a fantasy as its not all good being young and free-but it definitely is a unique experience.

I’ve been with MrR 29 years now, since we were both 19. No kids. We have our adventures together, and whilst some posters seem to equate settling down with a partner to mean abandoning travel, festivals, generally going out, for me it’s just meant I always had my favourite person by my side doing those things.