Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

DH and I got engaged and moved in together at age 21, married at 25, and had two DC by the time we were 30 and with another two by the time we were 35. I don't feel like we missed out, we still got to travel and we had nights out, went on adventures, etc before the children came along. We've been together twenty years now and have grown up together, with so many years between us we're fairly in tune with one another and our DC are now at the age where we can comfortably leave them with grandparents for the weekend so we can go off and have mini-adventures dirty weekends just the two of us. Marrying young doesn't always mean marrying in haste and repenting at leisure.

DH and I both started clubbing/drinking/partying at around age 16-17 which was fairly common for the time (late 90s) so we got a lot of the wild times out of our system by the time we got engaged at 21.

Honestly, if she's happy, that's really all that matters. I'm mid-thirties and after a string of failed - and in some cases - horrifically abusive relationships, I've actually given up on men altogether and committed myself to staying single for the next decade at least. If she's found someone she loves and treats her well then best of luck to them both. Marriages can go wrong at any age, definitely not limited to those ones that married young. Totally understand the concern for your daughter though of course. Again though, you'd worry at any age!

My mum married at 18 had house and kids by 25, got divorced at 40 and had a 2nd chance of singleton life 😂
I married my first boyfriend when we were early 20s and we have kids now and I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on much. Many of my single friends are scared that they won’t meet anyone and won’t have the family life they are desperate for.

I met my now husband when I was 18 and we got married at 23 had our children at 25 and 28. I’m now 34 and I don’t feel like I missed out at all. We’ve done plenty of travelling pre and post marriage and now on my 30s I enjoy a night out more then I ever did in my 20s.

I married very young and our families and friends were disapproving. Now they’ve all forgotten how rude they were! I genuinely feel lucky to have met my DH young. We had loads of adventures together before having kids 10 years later.

Are they planning children soon do you think?

It as common for people in my generation to get married at this age. What is nice is that they can finish growing up together in an entwined way.

Has your dd established some sort of life in her own right with qualifications and a job? You say they have a house- this is a marvellous boost and almost unheard of at their age these days.

I think it sounds lovely.

DP and I got together when I was 25 years old. They were good years even though we were skint. We went out and had fun together.

DS2 (24) is happily settled with his girlfriend of 4.5yrs. They met at uni and have just bought a house together that they’re renovating. They’re not getting married yet because they can’t afford it. Their weekends are spent doing DIY and planning their garden rather than going out drinking and clubbing. They like going camping and hiking, too. It’s different strokes for different folks.

What I do know is that they’re both really happy atm so that makes me happy and I’m behind them 100%. They’re both nurses, which is stressful, so if gardening and DIY is what they find relaxing then so be it.

I married at 20. I'm not particularly wild and not into patying. Its just different because you grow up together. I'm almost 30 now and throughout our marriage we have bought properties, had kids, lived abroad, I went to uni and changed career. There is nothing that I have missed out on by being a wife, though I do feel at times having children impacts on my career. But realistically they will be off to school soon and I can up my hours if I wish. I have no regrets at all about marrying young.

Speaking as someone who was engaged at 23 and married at 25, marriage itself doesn’t have to change how you behave in your 20s. Having children is the game changer.
We partied through our 20s and even lived in a house share for a while after we were married. Didn’t have children until our early 30s.
If your daughter is happy, that’s the main thing. Some people don’t want to party in their 20s and that’s fine! She’ll only be missing out if she feels she’s missing out.

Encourage her to live a little more. Advise her not to come dependant. Tell her to have a 'secret' bank account that only she has access too, where she can put a few quid away every month for a "running away fund"

I'm saying this as a met my (soon to be ex) husband at 16 married at 22 divorced by 39 (all being well with time scales) person!

I’d feel the same OP. Obviously you’ll have to keep it to yourself though.

Statistically it’s unlikely to last, especially if they are each other’s first love and have been together since 17. I know of one couple who have stayed together since school and they’re early 40’s now.

The problem is, they’ll change as they get older and will probably want to try other things. Even if they last for 10 years, it’s longer than plenty other couples and they’d still only be mid 30’s so time to meet done else.

I know it sounds pessimistic but it’s just so unlikely for them to only stay with one another. I could be wrong but….

I married young and not sure I’d recommend it... but at the same time also wouldn’t necessarily do things differently as if you think you meet ‘the one’ then seems silly and quite high risk to pass that up, because it happened a bit sooner than you thought.

So I’d probably inwardly not be delighted if it was my daughter but be supportive. And know that I couldn’t do anything about it anyway. And it might work out or might not but the same is true of people that get together at an older age.

Totally agree best thing you can do is encourage her in general to be self sufficient and develop her own career etc.

You're either a party animal or you're not.

And true that you can ‘live a little’ when married. My sister married at 21, in her mid twenties she and her husband went abroad and worked in Canada for a ski season etc. They didn’t have a child until later.

I had my first serious boyfriend at 23 (ie gone on more than a couple of dates) and married him at 25. 1st child at 28. I feel really happy to have found someone I love (as I was worried I wouldn’t find anyone) and don’t feel like I missed out. I did go clubbing a bit during uni years and that was enough for me. Our ideal anniversary is to stay at home and watch a movie.

We married young and it was the best thing we ever did! Now in our mid 40s and have travelled, partied, had a bunch of children, built careers and grown together.

That said, I would also be concerned if things had changed a lot over the last year or so as it's been such a unique time. If she's happy though, go with it and keep your concerns to yourself.

I don't think you can judge this from your own life experience nor can she make this call at this point in her life (she can only do it retrospectively).

It might be the thing to make her really happy. Or it could be a disaster.

Who knows.

I am older than DH. He was 22 when he proposed. I thought he was being ridiculous and hadn't lived life fully.

We did get engaged. But didn't actually marry for 5 years. In that time we 'settled down' and bought a bought etc etc.

HOWEVER we spent that time travelling and doing things we loved together and had a lot of fun. After that we took another 5 years before we had DS.

So I don't think getting engaged isn't the end of your youth and fun. Nor is getting married. Nor is moving in together. You can still do those things. (You just don't sleep around!) And we had each other to share it with.

I think the point where that really changes is when you have kids.

I have to say I did the free living young thing which was great BUT I found it terribly lonely at times too.

I met a boy in my teens, engaged at 22/23. His Dad tried to convince him to live a little, enjoy his twenties, play the field etc. He didn't. We've been together 22yrs and are very happy. Who knows what the alternative would have been like but we chose what was right for us. Interestingly, both of our parents met as teens and have been together 40+ years too.

Agree having children is the game changer.

I totally get it. I met my husband when I was 20 and truthfully, I wish we'd met a few years later. I adore him and our life but I do feel like I didn't take advantage of my early twenties.

I married at 22 but he’s 10 years older.
I regret it. I wasn’t ready and am a different person 16 years later.
He doesn’t regret it but he’d had his time I suppose.