Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

I honestly don't think reading other people's experiences is helpful! :)

There will always be people who say they met their OH at 12 and are happy 50 years later.

What's important is how mature your DD is and her boyfriend. I'd be worried about her not developing herself in terms of interests, work, friendships, if they exist in a little bubble where they are completely introspective. That's not healthy.

You are massively over thinking this OP. She is happy so let her get on with what she wants to do.

Met my husband at 19. Had a baby and got engaged at 21. Didn't actually get married until 30. Now nearly 40 and still together, with 4 more children. Of course it hasn't all been smooth sailing but I have no desire to have 'got out more' when I was younger.

Some people who marry their teenage bf are happy long term; some split later when they grow apart and develop in different directions.

It’s impossible to say now which she will be.

I can understand the concern that this may have been precipitated by Covid, and that if she had been away at uni having a great time she may have made different choices.

Is he at uni too?

I had my fun twenties travelling the world, having the crazy parties, sharing flats with room mates, etc. By the time I was ready to settle down I didn’t meet anybody.

I then started missing out once hitting my thirties. I stopped being invited to parties and dinners, where I would have been the only single around couples. I started to have wasteland weekends as my friends used that time to spend with their partners now everyone was in busy jobs. I no longer had mates to go on holiday with, as they ‘saved’ their longer holiday time for their partners. It started affecting me professionally as well with a lot of men responding awkwardly to the fact I was single. I couldn’t get on the housing ladder as I couldn’t share living costs with anyone. I felt like standing still while everyone was moving forward. It started messing with my confidence and happiness, and became less and less fun and more and more stressful as time went on.

I finally found DP a few years ago. By that time I was mid-thirties and we had to rush everything, trying (and failing so far) for children, etc. We did not have the time to spend just being together. Merging our lives together is hard as we are both mid-career and neither of us is keen to be the one to give up their hard-won job. Now we have Covid, further scuppering any potential adventures ‘just us’.

Be happy she met someone lovely, as you cannot predict when and even if that will ever happen for anyone. Just tell her how lucky she is, to appreciate her friends, and that she can now fortunately take her time in taking the next steps in life thanks to the solid foundation she has.

DH and I got together when he was 19 and I was 22, moved in quickly and were married by the time he was 21 and I was 24 We spent plenty of time with friends both together and separately throughout our twenties and had our children in our 30's we've been together for almost 17 years now and I don't feel like we've missed out by getting married young, I quite like that we got to share that time together.

Your daughter is not you, her path will be different, you just have to support her and be there if anything goes wrong. Ultimately she makes her own choices and if she's happy then that's the main thing surely?

Sadly, I suspect the pandemic has skewed their perspective on life. Realistically, they’re likely get divorced in their forties as many young couples who met as teens grow apart as they get older and develop new interests. The divorce statistics don’t lie.

Must admit, I’ll be telling DS not to settle down in his twenties with someone he met in his teen years as it’s far too young. But ultimately, it’s up to him to live his own life.

I’ll be telling DS not to settle down in his twenties with someone he met in his teen years as it’s far too young

What?! Why? Seems a bit of an odd thing to specifically warn against.

"Don't marry an abusive partner", "keep your own interests outside of a romantic partner", "make sure you share values as well as hobbies before marrying" or "it's ok not to settle down at all, if you don't want to" are surely better and more helpful snippets of wisdom than simply basing it on age.

Original poster I send congratulations to your daughter and her future husband. Yes it’s by today’s trends a little on the younger side but each of us are very different and it seems this is very right in your daughter and fiancé’s situation. Personally I would take the Covid factor out of the equation. Covid unless you are physically, mentally or economically impacted does not mean the most important life aspects are put on hold. Sure there are issues of restrictions for certain activities including mass gatherings for weddings etc but everyone is in this together facing the similar challenges and people can still reach out and make contact although of course in recent months this has been virtual and surreal. Getting a dog has been a uniquely British lockdown lifestyle trend along with remote technological working and schooling.

My experience is very different. Due to education, advanced post graduate research degrees and then professional qualifications plus the initial training and corporate career progression in a very cutting international sector I enjoyed a different lifestyle from your daughter. I studied hard at a leading university with very bright friendly (not competitive per say as we were all pushing and competing against ourselves!) peers so it was enjoyable studying subject matters I really loved and fascinated by, rather than just a necessity and importantly having an amazing social life on campus (with organised formal halls suppers etc) and in a private shared accommodation. I met many great minds and friends and indeed partners. I did at the time meet a few partners that had potential to be the one but not settled and married much much later after years in the City and international corporate rat race. I don’t regret any of it as it was an amazing experience with some stand out people at a prestigious most well known university and respected best in breed firms amongst those in the industry. This begs the question would this have all been different if I settled down and got married say after my first postgraduate degree etc? Probably yes as this would have impacted my independence to be less “restricted” or tied down to do other exciting challenging things (including exploring our diverse globe!) that would be different if married and especially with children etc. I did meet the rare married postgraduate friends at Cambridge, law school and then more at business school, but it was very very rare and usually much older professionals returning to advance studies having been established in corporate or civil service life. They too totally enjoyed their time back studying but did suggest it was more challenging for them logistically being married. I hope this open and frank sharing is helpful to you and others facing this exciting stage in life having found the one! Each to their own as life is a journey and like a box of chocolates you don’t know what you are going to get! Who knew in advance or guessed the globe would be in this ongoing once in a lifetime medical pandemic!? Make the most of your unique life choices and have no regrets.

Given how long my kids are likely to live, I'll not be encouraging them to get tied down early

I do think there is a mindset that everyone has to be "having fun" lots of BF,drinking and partying ,which all sounds great .However would anyone want to go back and do it again I wonder? Several of my friends DC are similar as well .Maybe Covid ,I dont know .My DS friends from Uni have bought a house together as well .Maybe there is something to be said for it?! My other friends DD married at 19 .been married 20 odd years now ! (met at 15) So many posters on here seem to be worrying if they are in their 30s and havent met the right guy so who knows?

I don’t think being married/ long term relationship young means you miss out on anything.

I met my boyfriend at University, afterwards we moved in together and rented for two years. We are now planning to buy a house together (although not get married or have children so I guess in that way I differ a bit)

I absolutely do not feel like I’ve missed out on anything by choosing to have a long term relationship with my partner in my early 20s/move in together.

We both meet up with our friends (pre pandemic I went travelling with mine and I often go on girls holidays and out for drinks). Additionally, I still make sure I have time to myself, be it going shopping or just going out for a walk.

Actually, I’d say I have more spare money to do things I enjoy because all my living costs are halved with someone else. I also have the happiness of someone to live my every day life with/ go on days out with/ go travelling with in addition to my friends.

I actually think it’s more common than people think, I would say I have about ten close friends and out of those 7 are in relationships, the important thing is ensuring that your daughter still retains her own friends and feels the freedom to go out and do things on her own.

As others have mentioned, we have calculated that buying a house young will also give us financially security and being in a relationship hasn’t caused us to limit each other’s career in any way.

Finally (sorry for waffling I just really wanted to give the perspective of someone in a sort of similar situation) everyone is different. I genuinely don’t enjoy going to nightclubs or getting with random people so even if I was single I don’t think I would be spending my time doing this. I think it’s a bit of a romanticised view as I did a bit of it at uni and spent half the time crying

Everyone is different, all that matters is that she’s genuinely happy x

I think it’s way too young but she’s very much not going to listen to you either

Plus I suppose it depends how a successful relationship is judged. My parents married at 18/19 and divorced 24 years later. Is 20 odd years of a good marriage successful? Would they have been a success if they had stayed married but been miserable 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thinking about it, I actually have quite a few friends who met their partners before 20 and are still together now (20-30 years later). Conversely, people who were together from 16 all over by 30.

For me, I'd have been miserable settling with the boyf I had at 16. I knew even when I met him, that he was just a starter boyfriend. Even though I still stayed a year too long cos I was also afraid I wouldn't get another one.

Met dh at 24 and felt like I'd had enough experience. I was also head over heels, had had one awful, awful relationship and was savvy enough to realise that I had a really good bet.

I think 26 feels young to get married, in hindsight, but then, would I have just drifted through my 20s and 30s looking for someone? I know that I love the thrill of the chase and the moment you know you're going to pull. But I also remember the depressing, lonely times.

Would I want my dc to settle with someone from 16? Suppose it depends on their personality.

I married at 31 and spent my twenties building a career. I wish I had met DH younger. I am in my fifties and spent my birthday a couple of days ago walking round a lake, enjoying nature and eating lovely food. That sort of thing has always been what I loved. I did do some clubbing and going out to bars in my twenties but it wasn’t especially for me.

DS and his GF got together when 17 and it’s almost 3 years. I think the comment about people growing and developing together is very true. They do seem made for each other but only time will tell.

dottiedoodah I don’t get that mentality personally but it seems quite prevalent. I am not keen on drinking though but more than that I rarely saw or met men who I thought were worth my time. I had two housemates at University who I am still in touch with. They were very much Party hard women but my God some of the men they got off with uugghh yuck but each to their own.

As others have mentioned, you can still have fun, prioritise friendships, party and have adventures while married.

And if it doesn’t work out? It doesn’t work out. It’s not a big deal.

I had an absolute ball in my twenties and now in my fifties,, I wish I could do it all again, but I can’t because life moves on.
So I understand where you’re coming from and I’ve pressed upon mine that this is a rare windy window in life to be enjoyed without responsibility.
That said, if they chose to live differently and it they were happy, I wouldn’t worry too much.

I married at 18 and, no, I wasn’t pregnant. Much to the surprise of my co-workers. I had two children by the time I was 26 and at 30 I went to university. I had a satisfying career in education and my children saw first hand the success to be reaped from working hard, I had my best ever job in my 50s. Most of all I was a young grandmother with loads of energy for my GC when they were small. You marry when you meet the right person and not when you reach the right age.

I didn’t marry young but I did settle for the first (and only) person to ask me out aged 19, and stayed in that relationship for ten years. Along the way I did things for myself such as university, but ultimately being with someone in a largely unhappy relationship did stop me doing other things. I settled again very quickly after we broke up and now I wish I’d given myself more time to find out who I was outside a relationship. I’m now at an age of looking back and deeply regretting the things I’ve missed. I hope it’s not too late for at least a few adventures, but I also accept my mistakes were part of the journey.

If your daughter and her chap can grow together and have shared adventures, they may be less likely to miss out. It used to be commonplace for people to marry in their early 20s and it’s only in recent decades that marrying and having children later has become the norm. No life choice is ever risk-free.

@dottiedodah

I do think there is a mindset that everyone has to be "having fun" lots of BF,drinking and partying ,which all sounds great .However would anyone want to go back and do it again I wonder? Several of my friends DC are similar as well .Maybe Covid ,I dont know .My DS friends from Uni have bought a house together as well .Maybe there is something to be said for it?! My other friends DD married at 19 .been married 20 odd years now ! (met at 15) So many posters on here seem to be worrying if they are in their 30s and havent met the right guy so who knows?

I think the grass is always greener. I didn’t meet DH until I was 28 and I’d had a string of 2-4yr relationships throughout my twenties. I am glad I had lots of fun (though tbh being in a marriage or relationship doesn’t mean you can’t still have a blast, the only thing that you’re giving up is being able to date or sleep around) but the stress of reaching my late twenties single and wanting kids but feeling like time was against me was absolutely awful. If I had happened to meet the right person for a successful marriage earlier (I married at 31) I’d have been thrilled with that. Some people aren’t ‘ready’ for a serious committed relationship until later on into adulthood but some are perfectly capable of making that decision and making it work much earlier.

I think we baby young adults an awful lot, but everyone is different and I’ve known some very mature adjusted people in their early twenties perfectly able to make a good go of married life and in a good position to provide for children and raise them well, as well as people much older who still aren’t ‘ready’ because it’s not for them and that’s perfectly okay too.

Hi OP I don’t think YABU being concerned, but I don’t know if the concern is that she will “miss out” - as others said, people can still have carefree time later in life (if they’re inclined).

I do think that you should encourage her to keep her friendships and career/independence going though. I have seen many times these types of relationships breaking down later on and one or both parties being a bit lost as a result. They’re either financially or emotionally dependent on the other, and when that is taken away it hits them hard. Or worse - they stay in unhappy relationships as they’ve never known anything else, too frightened to be alone.

I’m at an age where couples I know from school are separating. Those who maintained their independence throughout the relationship are handling it far better.

I met DH at 17; married mid 20's and kids a couple of years later. We're now in 50's.

I'm curious what it would have been like to have not settled down so early and aware I've missed out on some experiences. Even so, I don't regret being with DH. How could I...I love him! We've had our up and downs though and I do recognise my parents were way over invested. On several occasions when I was very close to ending it, they made very clear they felt it would be a mistake to do so. Although I don't regret staying with DH, I do wonder how things would have played out without their influence.

I'm thinking about this in relation to my own kids now. I'd like them to experience life before they settle down but conversely, I don't want them to have regrets about 'the one that got away'. Like you, I have thoughts and like you, I figure it's best to stay quiet. My life would undoubtedly have been different without DH but I have no idea if it would have been 'better'. No one can have known that and my parents certainly didn't 🤷‍♀️

My life so far has had periods of fine, periods of difficulty and patches of great and I guess that would have been the same to some extent with him or without him. I figure that's likely how it will be for my kids too and the details of their lives are just that, details rather than a definers.

Honestly it can be lovely if it works out but it can also be hard. I was gut-wrenchingly lonely on occasion, found it hard to find anyone interested in me and ended up with an abuser who then stalked me for years. Domestic abuse is what I worry about most for my girls - if they end up with someone who treats them well, I’ll be happy. My only worry would be if you thought there was a danger she’d outgrow him or if they weren’t a good match intellectually

I married and bought a house with DH in my early twenties but we didn't have dc for a few years after while we went travelling and did post grad quals etc. My parents were the same as you and worried I was settling too early - but I didn't see the point of holding off just to fit a prescribed norm.

I have no regrets at all and certainly don't feel I missed out. We've done considerably better in the housing market than people who rented for another decade after us for a start!

My rented shared house post university was absolutely disgusting. The girls were nice but were only in vague touch and the fun we had was severely limited by unsocial hours employment and lack of income. No way would I have wanted to spin that out for years!!