Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

Did she finish uni?

I got married at 20,been happily married for 44 years.
Didn’t have my 2 sons until I was 30,we have had a great life,travelled the world,now retired,roll on the next 20 years.

They sound very happy and settled. Some people don't enjoy the constant challenges and disappointments of dating. These days it can be quite a predatory and shallow environment.

There are no guarantees in any relationship, however secure it may look from the outside, but hopefully they will continue to be very happy.

However, as has been said, it is important for them both to keep up with friends and do things independently sometimes.

Stop comparing your daughter to your experiences. Just because she’s married and does things differently doesn’t mean she is missing out.

OP- like you, I also look back on my twenties with a lot of fondness (even the horrendous parts!) and I do think I’d have missed all this by settling down early.

However, all my friends who met their partners young ( I’m talking about 16/17) have the most successful relationships. They are definitely the happiest among all my married friends now we’re in our 40s. The rest of us who waited till later seems to have ended up with more difficult relationships ( ie- twattish husbands)

My thinking was that by waiting till later before settling down, I’d be more mature and have a better relationship/ meet a more mature bloke. Unfortunately, that hasn’t come to pass!

Also - have noticed that the 20 somethings I work with are far more mature than I even was at that age. Maybe your daughter is into something! ( but secretly I think you’re right- hitting the jackpot is meeting the right person in your 30’s)

YANBU Becsuse you’re bound to worry. My friend was married with 2 children by 20! She’s still happy with DH, they are mortgage free, kids at uni and she’s having a ball. I had kids much later, yes I had a blast in my 20’s but I mow feel that by the time they’re grown I’ll be too old to enjoy myself. She’ll be a young granny and they have no financial worries and many years of working ahead of them to live a comfortable life.
I would have agreed with you but now that I’ve seen how it can work doing it all young, I think it’s great.
So long as she’s happy! They will have fun their way.

I married at 21, had a baby at 23 - I've been with the same bloke since I was 18 and are very happily married and have a brilliant family life. We were warned we'd never see it through, and here we are 18 yrs later, married for 15 in July. It works for some, doesn't for others and that's okay 🙂.

Has your daughter just gotten engaged or has she set a wedding date? It could be a long engagement.

You don’t have to be single to enjoy yourself though... I married in my mid 20s but still went out plenty, went away with friends, had a great job, etc. I know plenty of people in their late 30s who are single and wish they could meet someone so if she’s found the right person now then that’s her call.

I'd be more worried if she was out partying every night. Be grateful you have a sensible daughter with her head screwed on!

However, all my friends who met their partners young ( I’m talking about 16/17) have the most successful relationships. They are definitely the happiest among all my married friends now we’re in our 40s. The rest of us who waited till later seems to have ended up with more difficult relationships ( ie- twattish husbands)

My anecdotal data is the opposite to yours. The three of my friends who settled down as teenagers are now (at 40ish) all in the throes of breaking up.

Married at 22, no babies for 11 years so lovely holidays. I have to say after 33 years i like my husband better than my friends partners who are remarried. It will be fine.

It's natural to worry so much about our kids at times, particularly over big decisions like this. But - it sounds like you are very enmeshed emotionally in your daughter's life by analysing this to such an extent. She will follow the path she is meant to and this is where she is supposed to be at. She may have a great time, she may not but it is all hers to do alone with you in the background supporting whatever decision she decides to make.

„Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?“

Yes I can

I married my first boyfriend when I was 19 and he was 24. That was 38 years ago.
I suppose I may have missed out on some things in some people’s eyes but as they say, what you don’t know, you don’t miss. We knew we were right for each other. Yes, we have both matured and changed but we have supported each other and accepted this as part of human life. No two people remain exactly the same, regardless of the age at which they marry.
We have raised two wonderful children. Our daughter married two years ago at the age of 23 to a lovely man she met when she was 14. Like us, they have grown together into a couple. In their marriage vows, they both said that they believed they were very lucky to have met „their person“ when they did, without having to wait longer.
I hope that your daughter will be just as happy as she is and I am.

I married at 22 and have no regrets.
The only thing you're 'missing out on' is sleeping with others as you've obviously committed yourself to your husband. And 'missing out' on all of that shenanigans is hardly a loss ...

I know a few couples who have been together since secondary school and are still happily married in their 50's and 60's. Everyone is different and if you're lucky enough to find someone you can be happy with for the rest of your life then good luck to you. It might be the same for your daughter OP.

In my circle it’s the “met at school” husbands who are the utter twats. It’s like the women didn’t realise you are allowed to dump someone - you don’t have to marry your first boyfriend!

In theory she can do those things with her husband as long as they don't have children quickly after marrying. My aunt and uncle met when she was in her teens and he his twenties and are still together 40 years later. However the only friends I've known of my generation to marry the person they were dating at 15/16 (3) have now all divorced, two in the last year, one a few years ago, two with children, one without. They all seem to feel they've missed out on something. Whether they are our not that thinking has bred resentment.
I've known DH since we were both 11, we had a couple of drunken snogs when we were about 16 but it never went any further. We got together at 25 and I'm glad we both had the opportunity to study separately, travel separately, date other people, confirm what we actually wanted in a long term partner etc before we got together. We then spent our late twenties travelling, socialising together and with friends, before getting married and having DS, so best of both worlds i think.

But look on the other side of she has kids and settles down young she will still be able to go off and do lots of nice things in her 30s and 40’s where hopefully she will be more financially secure enough to enjoy them, where as I’m 41 and have an 11 ur old and a 3 year old, I worked out the other day that I’ll still be doing school runs in my 50’s and if that’s not depressing I don’t know what is 😂🤣

I feel exactly the same. My daughter is 21 engaged , living with her 20 year old boyfriend. First boyfriend she seems happy but I think she’s missing out.

Personally, I think 20 is too young. We change so much between the ages of 20 and 30 and sometimes want very different things/view life differently by the time we get there. Although I think it's rare, I know friends and family that marrying young has worked for, but it hasn't been plain-sailing for any of them, or without regrets. Many I know feel that they missed out and split up later in life. Unfortunately, I don't think there's a lot you can do as at the end of the day it isn't your decision. Perhaps you could discuss your concerns with her but you know her best and depending on your relationship with her, have an inclining as to whether or not she'd take offence or realise that you have her best interests at heart. If you feel that they are obviously happy together, it sounds like you may not have any impact on her decision, but at least you voiced your thoughts.

My own experience is that I had my children when I was young. I didn't feel like I was missing out then and looking back I have no regrets.

Now I'm in my 40s and my children have left home. This is my time for having a good time and, Covid aside, I really am.

FWIW I think that there is no right or wrong way to do things, there is only your own way.

As long as your DD is happy, all power to her.

I am 50. I met my now husband at 22. We had our first baby at 23. It felt great, we were so happy, but nieve. Then we had baby no 2 and it all went wrong and we split up in not a nice way. He had an affiar, I was devestated. Then I had some time trying other relationships which were never satisfying to me, nor were his. Not long after we both realised that we had actually met the love of our lives already and we got back together and got married! That was 20 years ago now. I can't say it has been plain sailing, far from it. But now I have a good career, great freinds and my kids are adults and me an hubby still love each other as much as when we met. What I am trying to say is, you can't stop her. Things may go wrong at some point, so be prepared, and their love will be tested, there is no doubt about that being so young. But if they are meant to be together, it will work and if it doesnt, they will grow from it. And there is no doubt she has a great mum to support her.

I think she is lucky if she found her life partner so early.

Think of the frogs she won't have to kiss and all those horny hours on Tinder at 1am on Saturday after another night in the pub.

We are all different, let her get on with it and cheer her on.

Met dh when I was 17, married at 19. We have kids and the only things that’s interrupted our lives is Covid. We live our lives our way and your daughter will do the same.

Lots of people have already said this but shes happy. You have to leave her to it. I met my husband when I was 17, he was 18. We bought a house at 20 and have a beautiful life together. We were never party animals, not everyone is. We had our friends and did a lot of travelling. Had our first son age 24, our second son at 27.

I look back now with nothing but gratitude that we were able to buy a house and have kids young. We are late 30s now and we rent that house out and we are now travelling through Australia with our kids but with the financial security of the house behind us. Don’t think that because you get married young she can’t still have amazing fun and loads of adventures.

I actually look at my friends who were living together having parties and pissing away their money in their 20s, now struggling to get on the property ladder and wasting money on rent, just starting to have babies etc and I feel no envy at all.

You can’t predict her future but just because she’s doing things differently to you doesn’t mean it’s wrong or that she’s missing out at all.