Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

No, I dont think she is missing out. If you think about it, thats how our grandparents generation did things.
Settle down when you find the right person.

I was 20 when I got married, I'm not 25 with beautiful children. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything at all! We have so much fun! But as a family, making memories! Being married doesn't mean no fun, any anyone that thinks it does maybe needs to reevaluate their marriage.

Also maybe you just have different ideas of fun! A civilised dinner party at home is fun to some people, not everyone likes crazy drunken nights out 🤷‍♀️

It’s her life and her decisions and that is what makes us all individual. As a parent you are just going to have to support her with her life/decisions.

Lived with my now husband since I was 19 and he was 21. I've done the house share stuff at uni and its not great tbh grotty flats and houses, not the lovely apartment like in friends . We had a couple of nice holidays together and weekends away either together or with friends separately. I was married at 25 1st baby 26 2nd baby 27. We then bought our house. Didn't buy earlier as we were skint students. Even with kids and extra responsibilities we manage days out as a family and as a couple and still do weekends away with friends. I went to benidorm on a girls holiday couple of years ago. You can settle early, enjoy life and be happy. I feel quite lucky to have met my husband so early on. I wasn't one for wanting to backpack round the world living in shitty hostels. If your daughter is happy that's great and I've always loved an ikea trip!!

Both my siblings married young (26 and 25) and are still very happy with their partners (they are both now around 50). I didn't marry my BF from my 20s and then met DH and married at 31. I'm happy in some ways but also wonder if I'm not happier when I'm single. So everyone is different. Young people these days have different concerns and priorities - building a career and financial security is a much bigger deal for them, plus they aren't as 'wild' as previous generations, in general seem happier to stay in, not drink etc. That might seem boring to you but it does kind of follow a trend.

I met my husband when we were both 21. We bought our house at 22, got married at 25 and had our first child at 27. Four kids later we've just celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary and couldn't be happier.

Your daughter isn't you. Just because you didn't want to settle down in your twenties, doesn't mean she's going to do the same.

I agree with 33goingon64 as this generation (obviously there are exceptions) seem more responsible because life is harder for them, as house prices are high and they need to concentrate on their careers for the high cost of living, I am happy that I am 51, been married for 22 years and mortgage free, this generation I think are into parties less and seem more mature than my generation.

Don't know if I'm just an old soul or something but I would have loved to be married to my current husband earlier than we were (currently married for 2 years but we've been friends for 13-14 years, dating for 7-8 years). I don't regret the path I took in life but I don't look back on those days fondly.

@Gilly12345

I agree with 33goingon64 as this generation (obviously there are exceptions) seem more responsible because life is harder for them, as house prices are high and they need to concentrate on their careers for the high cost of living, I am happy that I am 51, been married for 22 years and mortgage free, this generation I think are into parties less and seem more mature than my generation.

As a young person, I think there is a lot of truth in this, I’m saving for a house deposit and don’t really have the money to go out clubbing every week. I’m happy with this as I don’t enjoy too much clubbing anyway but it seems like a sacrificing worth making for the security of my own home

Having been there and done that, I'd say that I would ask her is if she has any doubts whatsoever. Can she genuinely say she wants to be with her partner and no one else, and that's the future she wants? If so, good luck to them. I know people who met young and have been together for many happy years.

I wasn't one of the happy ever after ones, though I am now with 2nd DH. there were some niggling doubts first time but even then I'm not sure that anyone would have persuaded me to admit them anyway!

We are all different. The problem is you don't really know anything in your early 20s. I was with boyfriend from 17, married at 24 and divorced at 43. I was too young and.inexperienced to know he wasn't the man I thought he was and that the relationship wasnt right. But then my parents married at 20 and were together for 50 years "until death do us part" and were happy and didn't lead a boring life. They were very sociable. Do I have regrets? Yes

@Summerlovin24

We are all different. The problem is you don't really know anything in your early 20s. I was with boyfriend from 17, married at 24 and divorced at 43. I was too young and.inexperienced to know he wasn't the man I thought he was and that the relationship wasnt right. But then my parents married at 20 and were together for 50 years "until death do us part" and were happy and didn't lead a boring life. They were very sociable. Do I have regrets? Yes

You really don’t speak for all twenty years olds though. There are plenty of adults in their early twenties who know who they are, and what they want. It’s common if you weren’t as mature at that age to assume everyone is the same but it’s just not true, and it’s infantilising tbh.

she's missing out on nothing. marriage doesn't ban you from hanging out with friends and having fun. Depends only on her and her man what they feel like doing with her time.

She’s missing out on being young, totally free, independent and with only yourself to think about alone in the world. This isn’t for everyone though! personally that stage of life was very formative for me. But very subjective others prefer to be married young

Your daughter is different from you, and although like you I had a grand old time in my twenties I also had to live in horrible house shares and often had to have two jobs to pay for my adventures. I do look at people who buy houses v young and wish they could live carefree and rent for a bit, but security is worth it’s weight in gold. Your daughter will have a happy, contented life with her husband.

I got married at 24, having been with my now husband for two years, so met age 22. Had kids young too. Honestly, I do think it was a bit young to settle down, BUT I wouldn’t change my kids so overall it was a good decision. Plus, I’m still only in my 30s with a nearly teenager which is great.

I agree with you. It’s great that she’s happy but I’d feel she was missing out too. I suppose we all just want our kids to have the best life with lots of experiences and opportunities.

My twenties were great too. I lived abroad and had a great time. I want my kids to travel and see the world but accept they may not. Hopefully your daughter is happy and she too will have a great life x

I got with my husband when I was 17, engaged at 19, married at 21, still going strong I'm now 28. I used to worry that I'd missed out on things others experienced in younger life. But honestly the more I speak to people the more I'm glad I made the choices I did, I definitely don't regret it! I think it's a dream to find the person you want to live with forever early in life, no exes no embarrassing past relationships. I am someone who craves a stable relationship, some people simply don't want or enjoy the drama of dating. If your daughter is the same then Id say you have no need to worry!

Agree with Moonlaserbearwolf (great name) that children are the game changer. I met my husband at 25 and we were married within the year and just celebrated over 12 years together (embarrassingly, I can’t remember which anniversary we’re on - I know it’s more than 12 and less than 15?). The point is that I and everyone I know from my group of friends who decided to get married did it so they’d have a built-in best friend and adventure partner, not because they were ready to “settle down” and have their adventures be over. Most travelled or moved around the country or the world, changed jobs, continued education if they wanted, and having a constant supporter at the end of the day made it all easier. I saw someone say the other day that the best thing millennials have “killed” (people always accuse millennials of killing everything - the economy, the housing market, etc.) are the jokes about hating your spouse, which were never very funny anyway.

You can't schedule meeting The One. What do you expect her to say to him?

"Look, I'm really happy with you, and I want to spend my life with you, but can we just leave it for ten years or so, while I conduct my twenties in a way that makes my mum less worried about me - that is, dating, going out lots and living with my friends? You know, the twenties she had?"

House, engaged in a stable relationship and a dog? Well done her.

I did all the partying in my youth and frankly if I had my time again I'd bin off the vast majority of it.

She’s missing out on being young, totally free, independent and with only yourself to think about alone in the world.

she is still being young, marriage doesn't take that away. Independent and only yourself to think about - that depends on financial situation.
I married and had kids young and been told that I would miss out on things. Looking back - i don't really see what i missed. Partying? Never been big on parties, but i still have plenty to enjoy. A string of short term relationships? Meh... Travel? Going on a foreign holidays every year. Shared house with roommates? No, thanks...
Maybe I missed out on backpacking through Nepal or volunteering to save rainforests... but that wasn't a realistic idea to begin with.

I got with my DH when he was 22 - I was 29 and in a two year relationship at the time. We were just very 'right' for each other.

I'd travelled the world and been to university. He hadn't but had been clubbing since he was 14.

We now have two teenaged DCs and he runs a successful business which I don't think would have happened if he hadn't met me.

OP you do you.