Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

I think there is nothing wrong with being settled young. And it would be foolish to dump the boyfriend to "play the field" if she is happy. I don't see why she's getting married so early - what's the rush? But then I'm 40, in a LTR and unmarried so perhaps not the best person to ask.

I will say that I was with a guy from age 18 and we broke up when I was 29 as we both felt we had settled down very young and not really experienced life.

I had a great time in my early thirties, meeting guys, travelling etc - all the stuff people do in their twenties before meeting my current partner.

I am really glad I had that experience. But you can't force it if she's happy with her current partner

Hi OP, I married young (early 20's after meeting as teens) and am still very happily married over a decade later.

I have never been a party animal or anything like that and feel so lucky to have met my other half young. I know that sounds a bit twee but we grew up together in many ways and know absolutely everything about each other, it just works. Me and my DH have been really lucky, travelled a lot and lived abroad. A lot of that was facilitated by being together as realistically we would never have done those things on our own. I agree with @RedToothBrush the game changer is really kids, that is settling down on a whole other level.

It sounds like your DD is happy, her other half is nice, they are settled and secure, just doing things slightly differently to what has become the norm. You could tie yourself up in knots wondering what might have been if they'd met at a different time but the truth is you'll never know, she might have been utterly miserable living that life. The fact is they did meet young, they do love each other, so there's not a lot they can do about that now, it's just how it worked out for them.

My only words of advice would be please don't say anything to her. She will already be acutely aware of the fact that they are young. When me and DH got married we were very conscious of the fact that we were young and that many people would feel it was a mistake and we were wasting our youth. Many people were very vocal about this with questions and comments at almost every wedding dress shop from the not so helpful assistants (why was I getting married, was I sure etc) it was so patronising. It really hurt a lot when one family member told us directly that they thought we were making a mistake, wasting our youth and would regret it. It's so hard not to take that personally and can be really damaging.

I would feel the same op. I would worry as the years I was single / dating /living entirely my own life were formative for me even though they weren’t easy at times. Don’t think you can say anything though and agree splitting up for this reason alone if they’re otherwise happy would be abit mad.

I ment DH when I was 19 and married at 22. We didn't have children until we were in our 30s so we were still young and "lived a little" whilst married.

Our financial situation now is much stronger because we set up home early. Mortgage repaid in our 40s when many of our friends hadn't long bought their first home. We had a lot more disposable income while DC were children and especially while they were teens. We had some amazing family adventure holidays that we wouldn't have afforded if we hadn't started out so young.

I consider we have lived a lot, just differently to you.

@2020isnotbehaving

I spent my 20s working hard and paying most my wages to live in a room in a grotty shared house. It’s not all fun fun fun. Lot to be said for getting on the housing ladder and have some security. Has she ever been the partying every night person? Not everyone is, her idea of fun might be staying at home or having friends round.

Me too. I had no money for fun in my twenties. I was working two jobs to pay my mortgage. Thirties and forties I was a mum. I'm heading for sixty now and I finally have the time and money for fun (seeing mates, restaurants, theatre) and travel. Obviously the last year hasn't seen much of any of those things but I will make up for lost time soon. I'm glad I did it this way round. The early struggles have given me financial security and I truly appreciate the good times now.

I know someone who married at 19 and they are still together over 30 years later.
Happiness comes in different packages and should be grabbed regardless of age and the blueprint we are sold for how we should live our lives.
She can still do plenty of fun things, just with someone to share them with, and support each other through the harder times.

I think the time to question things was before they bought a house together - that was a bigger commitment than an engagement. But you have to remember it’s an engagement - they may not get married for years - after living together for a while they may both also decide right person wrong time.

I’d be more concerned if they had kids early. I spent years with my boyfriend now husband, and we travelled the world, saw friends together and had loads of adventures. We were together 10 years before children. It was lovely having a best friend to explore the world, new sports, experiences etc.

If she was 16 then I would understand your concerns, but she is in her early twenties. Its entirely up to her what she does, and it sounds like you expect her to be just like you, and do things your way. She isn't you.

You say that you feel that having kids in your 30s didn't feel too old, but maybe she thinks it is? There are some definite disadvantages to starting a family in your 30s compared to your 20s, as well as advantages. There isn't a "correct" time to do it.

Your daughter sounds quite sensible. Leave her to make her own decisions.

There’s no right or wrong answer here. I absolutely feel the same way as you. I’ve encouraged my kids not to settle down too quickly and wait till they’ve lived a life till they have kids. I had DD1 at 24 and split with ex DP six months later. While I was lucky to be a high earner and be able to afford childcare to allow me to still have something of a social life, it was certainly a lot more limited than the life my single, child free friends lived. I don’t regret having DD1 obviously but I did feel regret that I wasn’t living the life I thought I would be.

Lots of people do settle young and it works. However my experience is that quite a few who’ve done that have serious wobbles or even split in their late twenties as you change so much in this ten year period. My DP & DSister both married very young, my DDad and DSister both had affairs in their twenties that led to temporary separations. DH married at 21 - by 30 he felt like a completely different person & had nothing in common with his ex wife and their divorce with a young child was difficult and painful. My DSD perhaps as a result of her rocky early years was always keen to settle down into stability young and married the boy from 4 doors down 3 years ago - she’s now back living with her mother wondering if she wants to spend the rest of her life with someone who has different views on having kids to her.

But having said al that, I know a lot of women who didn’t settle early, had the life and career but then struggled to find a life partner in their thirties and have kids without difficulties. There literally is no right answer.

At the end of the day, even if you have doubts, she is a grown up and we have to let our DC live their own lives and make their own choices and mistakes. Maybe it will work out and maybe it won’t. All you can do is support her and what she wants because that’s our job as parents.

If she is truly happy with her choices, than there is nothing to worry about.
Your idea of fun is obviously not the same as her idea of fun.

I would feel the same as you OP. The twenties was the most fun decade in my life, even though I did meet my DH in the middle of it, and got pregnant a couple of years later. I have so many fond memories of sharing flats, going out on a shoe string, making out with various men, walking home drunk on a summers night, even going into work hung over. Most of the stories I have about my life that are fun to think back to happened during those few years.

I understand not everyone is the same, and some are more eager to grow up, but I do think I would talk to her about it. Just suss out what her dreams are, you really don't want to get stuck in a rut at 20. It also sounds like she's losing touch with her friends, which isn't so strange if they aren't the same way inclined.

I met DH at 19, married at 24, first baby at 32. We had our adventures together! Travelling, nights out, living in different cities and working different jobs. But none of this is going to truly reassure you, you have to let go of your expectations for your DD and accept she is making her own choices and knows what is best for her.

Different strokes for different folks.

You are right that she will miss out on these freedoms but on the other hand she will get a head start on many other things.
So many people on mumsnet moan bitterly about being unable to afford family life in their 30s and 40s because they spent their 20s living wild and free. Your daughter is investing in her future with a stable relationship and home. She can still do the things you worry she is missing out on but perhaps at a slower pace. Covid has interrupted the freedoms of youth and will continue to do so for a while yet. So I think it's a good thing for your daughter to be getting on with her life.

Not something I would want for my children OP. I want them to aim higher than settling with the first person they meet. I want them to know who they are independent of someone else and have the strength and confidence that only comes with age to know when something isn't right.
You're always going to have a thread full of people who got married at 18 and lived wonderful happy lives but it's not the norm and it's not ideal even though people generally don't feel the same pressure to stay together no matter what anymore.
I really want them to KNOW their value outside of being a couple. i think it's important.

I think you are right to be concerned. Id encourage her to go out with her friends.

But as they've been together so long, they could split up either before the wedding gets too close or a few years down the line.

So just take the view that she'll cope with and enjoy whatever her life throws at her.

I enjoyed my 20s but no man materialised in my 30s or 40s (no decent man).

Staying single throught yr 20s could be seen by some as a risk. I dont see it that way but i see the argument for thinking that

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

She’s not you

Exactly what I came to say.

You’re different people.

I started going out with my DH when I was 24. I don’t feel like I’ve missed out on anything.

I also said I didn’t want children. .

I got married at 21 after meeting at 19 and had my 4 kids before I was 30. We are very happy and more equal than a lot of relationships because we've always had to share all the "adulting" (and the finances).

We had a lovely first 4 or 5 years together before our first baby arrived - music festivals, holidays, nights out, all together and separately.

We live somewhere with more affordable housing than many so getting on the property ladder is perfectly doable on £30k joint income, which means moving in with a life partner (with or without marriage) at 25,26ish is perfectly normal here.

I did not set out to marry my teenage boyfriend and I did not do it out of fear of being left of the shelf or any expectation from family or society. There have been times when I have sort of wished I had met him 5 years later... but that's not how relationships work. I could not have said, look, I love you and want to make a life together but I'm fucking off to Ibiza for 10 years first on a shagfest cos I'm only 19. But remember, I love you, so for God's sake don't you shag anyone (or meet anyone you prefer!) cos I'll be gutted!

That simply isn't how relationships work. And the overriding feeling is that I feel stupidly lucky to have already had 13 years together when some of my friends are still looking for what we have (and even if we do grow apart in time, or one of us dies of cancer by 50 like both of DH's parents did, we have been each other's great love.)

No she is fine. I met my partner at 18, bought a place together the same year and had our first baby 4 years later. I’m so glad I spent my 20’s getting a house and having my kids, now in my 30’s they are at school, I have a good income and all the ground work is laid. Now I’m enjoying my life as I have more money than I would in the 20’s as I didn’t have a career then.

On the other hand my friend partied through her 20’s, she and her boyfriend of 5 years are struggling to buy a home (as it’s more expensive than 10 years ago) and it’s delaying them starting a family. She regrets not saving through her 20’s and spending it on having a good time because she could have done that at a later date with a property under her belt.

Thing is her mortgage when she does get a house is going to be a lot, mine is less than £500 a month and I have thousands of pounds of equity too.

@Serpenta

Encourage her to see more of her friends if you feel her life is becoming insular.

Or,... now here's a mad idea,... encourage her to do whatever makes her happy. She is an adult.

Such an interesting thread. I lived a wild life in my 20s and loved it. I travelled, partied and had loads of flings. One of my housemates lived the same lifestyle but was constantly crying and depressed. All she wanted was a more sedate, homely lifestyle with a monogamous relationship. In the end she jacked in her high flying job, moved out of London, met a lovely man, bought a cute little house and she was happy as Larry. I actually struggled to meet or at least stay with a good guy. I am now in later life settled down with someone unsuitable and not in a happy relationship. I also don’t own my own flat and am 47. I think there are pluses and minuses to her situation but the massive massive plus is that she has found someone kind and nice who you approve of. That is worth its weight in gold.

Agree with @WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia she is not you.

Also she can travel with her husband.

I have a sister and friends who travelled, partied and worked abroad. Their boyfriends now husbands joined them.

Some of the people who moan on MN about not being able to afford a family home in their 30s and 40s actually did travel and party with their husbands in their 20s.

I would feel the same as you OP. I married at 22 to someone I met at 16, separated at 30 and then started living.