Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

I married at 22.. had my first child at 24 and 4 kids by 29... and we are still happily married 31 years later!!

What I do feel I missed out on, was a career (had a good degree etc but dh was in the Forces and I ended up main child carer) but that was because of having so many children... my dh has always supported any job I wanted to do, and while my job isn't exciting now, it gives me freedom.

I never felt I missed out on an exciting life.. it didn't appeal to me. However.. having kids young meant I was able to go travelling with DD2 in 2017 and we had an incredible time together .. I'd always fancied a trip and my dh encouraged me to go with dd2 and he remodelled the garden and kept everything fab while we were away!

Marriage doesn't stop fun.. kids do (from a going out, being spontaneous point of view) but if you are happy as a couple and then if kids, a family... there is nothing wrong with that. I'm now in my 50s with grown up children, still have a great marriage!

I haven't voted as I don't think there is a right or wrong in this case or how you are feeling.

Our DD isn't far away in age from yours but hasn't met a significant other. During the lockdowns, we were very concerned for her mental health and wished she had a special someone or even close friends nearby, but she is pretty much a solitary person and lives on her own.

She has travelled a bit with me, but not anything major on her own apart from moving for her career.

Just recently a group of young men and one older one moved in next door and now I'm worried about that too. They might be decent and my mind might be going in a direction it shouldn't, but I worry.

In summary, I just think we never stop worrying for our kids regardless of their age yet its out of our control too.

It is what it is.

OP it’s still Covid... how on earth can your daughter go out partying?!?
I could be your daughter , except that I’m a bit older than 20! And will absolutely be going out partying when everything opens up, which your daughter may also do :)

Also I never found dating fun. Dating apps were hell and it was a never ending series of transient men, most of whom bored me. The time investment in texting etc actually got in the way of me living my best life. I was relieved to have met my boyfriend 😂

Met DH at 16, bought a house at 20, married at 22, first child at 34. In between wedding and giving birth DH and I supported each other financially and emotionally through a series of crazy adventures, including working a ski season in resort, qualifying and working as an airline pilot, setting up and running a successful company, each living in separate parts of Europe and the States at various times, buying houses in the UK and abroad culminating (to date) in buying the house that made us millionaires. I’ve partied on every continent except Antarctica, sometimes in amazing places, as a result of my lifestyle or DH’s, which are both completely different lifestyles. I’ve been the guest of Olympians and royalty, I’ve run through the streets of Istanbul at 3am, I’ve grabbed opportunities to experience adventure whenever it’s been offered. None of this was dependent on my marital status. The only thing marrying so young prevented me from doing was having sex with more people, but honestly, I’ve had such a ball safe in the knowledge DH has my back and I have his that that is inconsequential.

Of course, at 20 you have no idea how your life will turn out. Your DD might have found her rock, she might have found her downfall. You won’t know which till you look at it with hindsight. I would not be considering her potential divorce while she is still happily considering her marriage.

And yes to those who say that having met someone, she is saved from the bother and hassle of the modern dating game. Anyone who thinks that is an experience not to be missed needs looking at!

I don't see it as a bad thing; you can still have fun even if you're settled down.

I settled with my partner pretty young, and never regretted it. Partying wasn't the be all and the end all for me - if I wanted to, I did (and still do).

I met my now-husband when I was 19, engaged at 23, married at 25. I’m 39 now.

Best thing I ever did. We have an amazing life and have done so much together. He’s just my absolute favourite person, I’m his, and we’ve just flourished being together.

I don’t regret it for a second.

I had my son at 21 and I feel grief over not being able to live my 20s the “proper way”. My mum had me at 36. I’m not sure if this feeling comes from my situation or social pressures. I have never been happier then when my son was first born, the contentedness was overwhelming. Then I realised how society expected me to behave as a mother and that quickly dispelled, I realised I wasn’t allowed to be a ‘good’ mother and a person with my own desires too. It has been a hard journey since then, but ops daughter doesn’t even have a baby/plans for children yet. Honestly, some people crave the stability and love of a long term partner at a young age, even if they don’t actively want it. They may not even have children for another 10 years +. Pleas don’t knock it just because it doesn’t fit the mould of what age 20-30 should be.

@Mapmaker you have my dream life! Except maybe not so much adventure 😂
I actually feel that I’m a lot braver and willing to try new things now that DP has my back. I got a job in a completely different field and am considering going for a master’s degree ... that will open doors in a profession allowing me to travel all over.

Thank you everyone it is just silly late night worrying-I’m sure id worry about her sometimes whatever she was doing!
I’m so grateful I have cherished memories of living with close friends (going on nights out and falling asleep in flatmates beds seems more fun to me than her friends staying in their very nicely decorated spare bedroom). It is also a bit odd she will never experience break ups (although horrible are a major life experience that inspire songs films etc) or meeting someone new and all the excitement of that-I remember wondering before nights out who I’d meet that night and it was quite exciting not knowing who my life partner would be/knowing I had meeting them and getting married to look forward to one day (although scary sometimes). Dating even when things didn’t go well was mostly hilarious and an experience I’m glad I had. Then I met husband and I feel like we grew together and travelled/had our own adventures-I’m not sure I’d swap all my other relationships/experiences for another 10 years of being with him at a young age. But that’s my life of course, she is on a different journey and will have different experiences of being a young married couple and may not have had a good time if she’d done her twenties differently . I won’t worry anymore, although hopefully she will get to go out with friends/have independent experiences if she still wants to after covid.

You are different people. The best thing possible is if she feels able to navigate life in a way that makes her happy. There is more than one way to enjoy your 20's.

I got married to my husband at 24. I'm sure a few people raised their eyebrows but that was what suited us. It didn't mean I was settling down, really I was in a relationship where I could flourish as me. I had someone I could do the things I loved with, and they weren't necessarily things that other people in their 20's liked doing. We're only now expecting our first child now in our early 30's.

@Mapmaker

And yes to those who say that having met someone, she is saved from the bother and hassle of the modern dating game. Anyone who thinks that is an experience not to be missed needs looking at!

I suppose that’s true. Online dating sounds pretty horrific, and I’m sure I’m looking back at my dating life in my 20s with rose tinted glasses-only remembering the brilliantly fun and hilariously bad and forgetting the hassle and loneliness

Meh. I met now DH at 18, bought a house at 25, married at 27 and still together at 44. Mutual losing of virginity to each other.

We're happy, we've grown up together and in a weird way moulded ourselves around each other. I can't imagine meeting someone new now and having to go through the whole dating process at my age, but then I don't think it's really a consideration - unless DH is about to tell me differently, we have no plans to change anything!

And no regrets about missing out - I'm very happy as I am, and don't think I would have needed several relationships before this one to prove that.

But I think your point about independence is a good one. I spent this evening at a friend's house, DH was out with ex-colleagues. Just because we've been together forever doesn't mean we live in each others pockets - it's good to have our own social lives.

I married the day before I turned 21 and was a single mother of 3 before I turned 25. Turned out he liked the idea of kids and a family but not the practicalities of it.
Same thing could have happened at 30 though, there's no way to predict how things will go for anyone.

I met my DH at 16, lost him for a couple of years when he moved away, met him again, married at 19, first baby at 20, been as happy as larry ever since (now in my 60s.) Had lots of 'adventures', both together and apart, since. Don't feel I've missed out on anything! Hopefully your daughter will find her own adventures, just within the framework of already having found a partner and being happy with him.

It's her life, OP, but I would have with a chat with her and really make sure that all of this is her choice and that her BF isn't forcing her into a lifestyle she doesn't want.

I understand and think she might get bored later on in life. But she's happy and lucky to get on the property ladder and meet someone special. So I think you have to accept she knows what she wants.

Being married doesn't have much to do with it as pp said. You can be married and travel by yourself, go out with friends, whatever.

Also being single doesn't mean amazing carefree party lifestyle. I didn't meet my DH until my 30s but I never had the life that you describe, or only rarely. Not through not wanting it, just never really happened. I had friends but they weren't really in to clubbing. I went travelling but didn't really have any crazy adventures. I tried to date but didn't have much luck, went on a few dates here and there but no amazing romances or hilarious bad date stories. Don't get me wrong, it was great. But it was similar to your dds life really, just that I was single.

My parent married and had us young. By their early 40s they were ‘free’ with a paid off mortgage and time on their hands. I will be working and raising kids until I retire and my 20s.

OP, everyone is different and to me your DD sounds really lucky. I was single most of my 20s and that gave me flexibility to travel, have lots of fun adventures and memories. But it also meant a lot of loneliness and worries. Now I'm married in my 30s and so much happier. I wouldn't change anything in my life, it has shaped me, I couldn't have met my husband at another time, but my 20s were definitely not perfect.

I also know a couple who only ever been with each other, got married young, and they spent a lot of time travelling, partying etc., they just did it together. Equally I know a couple who also got married young, had children early and they're so happy.

Happy youth comes in many shapes and forms.

If she was 17 or something like that, that would be one thing. But "early 20s" and engaged probably means married at 23-24, baby at 25 or so (or maybe a bit later--she might decide to enjoy some young couple life for a few years first). It's younger than most of my friends but it's absolutely fine. I think some women thrive with doing marriage and motherhood quite early, esp if they are not much into travelling, clubbing and the like.

I met my husband at 16 and I was 24 when we got married, first dc at 27, and still married 14 years later. I still enjoyed life in my twenties, travelled a bit with my husband, and feel like we grew up together and had our adventures together. I have a good career and now my dcs are 10 and 7 we have more freedom in our mid 30s when many of my Friends are in the baby stage or struggling to ttc. So it's not all bad doing it that way!

Being married doesn't make you suddenly old and boring. She'll figure out the balance of home life and other stuff. She just needs time to get there!
I was up to all sorts in my early 20s and while I wouldn't change it, it was full of heartache, mental anguish, dangerous situations and chaos. So there's pros and cons to everything! She's her own woman, with her own path, I think even thinking this way is not healthy as I'm sure she'll be able to tell your disappointment and disapproval.

I didn't get married, bit I had 2 kids and a the partner I'm still with now, by the time inwas 23. Yes, I missed out on a lot, but not for one because most of my friends had their first kods young, and 2 got married young. One lasted, one didn't.