Is my daughter missing out by marrying young?

[ScottishBlanket]

My daughter is early 20s and has just announced she is engaged to her boyfriend who she’s being going out with since she was 16/17. They have recently got a house together and have a dog and seem very settled and happy. We really like him and they are happy together so I’m mostly thrilled.
But part of me looks back on my twenties/other people my daughters age lives and I worry she is missing out. I had a great time (mostly) in my twenties being single, dating, going out lots and living with my friends. I then married and had kids in my thirties and this didn’t feel too old at all, so I don’t really understand their desire to ‘settle down’ yet. I remember DD used to watch Friends and say she wanted to live in an apartment in New York or London with her friends, and I wonder if she is giving up a whole decade of her life by settling down and living like an old married couple now. I think it’s partly/mostly due to covid, but DD has been seeing less of her friends since she moved in with her boyfriend and when she does see them she hosts them in her house/garden in a bit of a formal way. Her little dinner parties and ikea trips on the weekend are very different to the fun memories I have of my twenties/friends kids social lives and I can’t help thinking she should ‘live a little’ and there will be time for this when she’s older and she’ll never get her twenties back/may regret missing out-especially if she ends up divorcing (no reason to think they would). I know people are different, and meet life partners at different stages and she is very happy so I’d never mention this to her but I can’t help feeling a bit of doubt/that she is giving up a lot to get married young and hasn’t thought it through. But I absolutely don’t want her to break up with her boyfriend-I just wish in a way they had met a bit later in life as I think she would have enjoyed living with her friends/having independent adventures in her twenties. Can anyone who settled down young reassure me?

I have been with my partner since 16 (we are both now 30) and I am sure some people think we have “missed out”. But I always think, should I have split up with someone perfect for me and who is a good man (seemingly hard to get going by threads on here) just to go through the motions of dating other people etc? We have had a great life so far and have supported each other and built a life together. We have plenty of good memories both together and with our respective friends. I do agree with other posters that children is what may really change things (we don’t plan to have any and your daughter may not want any too!) - but there are benefits to having them early. I think the key is whether they are truly happy or you think they have just settled for one another. It sounds like the former, so I wouldn’t be concerned. As for her social life, I would wait until lockdown has lifted to see. Also she may be doing the dinner party thing a lot right now because of the novelty of having her own place!

I met DH at universality and we moved in together after graduating at 21. We married at 25 and had dc1 at 27. I wouldn't change any of it.

People are different; stop expecting your dd to be the same as you.

There's a huge advantage to marrying and having kids young, you are only in your 40's when you get your life back! I haven't needed a sitter etc since I turned 40 (mum did the honours that weekend as she came to the little family party and 15 was too young for overnight)

I met my DH at 20, married at 23 and we’re about to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary.

We’re very happy still.

We left it a few years to have kids so we had a few years of going out and having fun, holidays etc.

I must admit I can understand your reservation slightly, 23 seems so young to me now, but if she’s happy then that’s all you can ask for

Ps until covid cramped our style I was globetrotting with dp, plans to go overland to Australia at some point, couldn't have considered it if still supporting kids at university or paying off a mortgage

My DS is now 23 and has been with his g/f since they were booth 16.
Their relationship survived when my DS went to Uni - back in my day this didn't happen!
At 21 they bought their own place and also now have a dog! But also do a lot of travelling (pre-Covid!) which I am glad that he has someone who shares this enjoyment
No engagement yet but I also thought like you - at 21 I was v different but I suppose that doesn't mean I was right!
I would encourage them both to keep up their individual friendships

Yeh to be 51 with DC of 18 and 15, I do feel i started a bit late, or finished too late.
I feel like i should be free by now! But im not.
In an ideal world id have had dc at 28, dc2 at 29 and a half, able to mark 30 with at the very least, a night a way, and then free-er (ish) by 50 -51

But hey ho, nobody can do everything perfectly, they're not living in a vacuum

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

She’s not you

Nailed it in the first reply! I married young (21) and we are not that far off our Ruby Wedding Anniversary now, and it's been a great. The fact that it worked for us had a lot to do with luck, I freely admit, and I'm sure my parents had qualms, but I have no regrets about marrying young at all.

Been with my DH since 16 and married at 23. 27 now and everything's still great we have a house, dog, one daughter and pregnant now. My life is better now than its ever been. Years ago I used to wonder if I'd missed out but now I realise I have all I've ever wanted and date nights/days with friends are good enough for me!

My cousin met her husband at 14, married when she was 19 and had children in her 20s and has an absolutely awesome life! She and her husband are now in their 60s, they have loads of friends, go out or socialise at home all the time (covid permitting!), dote on their grandchildren who they see a lot and are young enough to do lots with, have lots of holidays etc. They would in no way think they missed out on anything.

It sounds perfect to me I was single/in a crap relationship for my 20s now at 4p im married with 2 kids and so happy. If I could have met my husband earlier abd cut out 10 years of heartache I would

I had two children, a mortgage and got married young. Both girls grown up and mortgage paid off by the time I was mid forties. I wouldn't have changed a thing.
I'm fifty now and a grandma to a two year old and loving every minute. I work four days a week, look after granddaughter one day a week and have plenty of time for hobbies and a social life. It's different for everyone but I never felt like I missed out.

Ps, yes, wrt the dinner party thing, people would have been delighted to be hosted in somebody's house. Ask yr dd if she feels she needs to give nigella a run for her money when friends come over! Crisps, olives, cheese, chorizo bread stix and hummus on a big wooden board is so so so much easier.

Conversely a friend of mine had her life backwards! She was married and had a steady job when she was 19, divorced in her 20s, went travelling and went to uni in her 30s, lived abroad, settled in Spain and remarried and had kids in her 40s!

Everyone is different.

You’re romanticising things a bit here OP. Saying you think it was way more fun in your 20s to share beds with flat mates after a drunken night out rather than getting your own lovely, clean spare room. No bloody way Our uni mates who had spare rooms in their uni houses were treated like kings. Everyone would fight over who would get to crash out in their own lovely bed after we’d been up til 6am - bloody hated getting the short straw and being crammed in a double with three other girls!

I would be concerned too if she was my daughter particularly as she wanted to travel and explore the world.
On the flip side, I met someone at 19 and even now decades later, really wish I hadn't let him go.
My SIL and BIL met at school and were very young, and 35 years later they are still very much in love.
You just can't always tell.

I think the issue here is that they live in each other’s pockets. Encourage your DD to go out with friends. You change a lot between the age of 16 and your 20s so there is a worry that they may grow apart as they become different people. They’ve already made the huge step of moving in together so marriage is the next logical step.

I had the best of both worlds. I met my now DH when I was 21. We did the whole getting pissed and enjoying our 20s thing together. We did a lot of holidays, out every weekend etc. I got married at 29 and had the kids at 32 and 34 (I wanted them a year or two earlier TBH, but my body didn't). We're still together now at 41.

I know people who have been with their DP since their teens who are still together and ones who have separated. Personally, I'm glad I did what we did. Looking back now, I was in a rush to get married at the time and always wanted to get married before I was 30. Now I just wonder why I was so bothered about it.

My dd met her now DH the first day of uni. They dated for a year, moved onto a shared house with other friends in second and third year. She did her master's and he got a job. They lived together in a 2 bed house. 2 years later she got s job and they bought first house together. 3 years later they got married. They have 2 DC and seem very happy together. They have been married 7 years now. He was her first real bf. In 6th form they tended to go in large crowd together. They have retained lots of friends and often go on holiday with other couples with kids. They go camping too. Very different from my hell raising teens and twenties but her life her choice. Be happy for them and be there to help pick up pieces of it goes wrong.

The most important factor is whether she and her man outgrow each other.

People potentially can change a lot between 16 and 30. By 35 you can end up a very different person to who you were at 16.

This is what's important, not partying or having a wild social life.

I was ready to settle down in my early 20s and had 2 long relationships neither of which worked out for very different reasons. I spent most of my 20s feeling unsettled.

If you do anything, I'd say advise her not to jump into having a child, until they are late 20s or older and really sure they are going to stay together (as far as anyone can tell.)

As long as she is happy that's the main thing
.there is always this feeling that one may miss out ,but equally meeting someone young can be wonderful as you grow up together as well .

See I don't get why people are so obsessed with putting people into boxes based on their age. So 20 year olds should all enjoy partying and living in flat shares, 30 year olds should settle down and have kids etc. All people are different and enjoy different thing.
I have known my dh since we were 11, started dating at 17, married at 21, bought a house at 23, first dc at 25, now 31 and still happy. My best friend spent her 20's living life the way you think is right, she is now settled living with her partner in their own house. We did it differently but neither was right. I had the struggles of marriage and parenting, she had the struggles of dating, relationships ending, having to move back to her parents at short notice etc. Neither is better than the other.
Some people get married young and divorce a year later but the same can happen at 30.
Let her live her life how she wants.

I hear what you're saying OP. But she has to live her own life. A friend of mine has just announced her daughter's engagement at 21 and I was

Another friend has just got a gaged to a man she met online right at the beginning of lockdown. So they've had a year together of doing... nothing and are now engaged. The mind boggles.

We just have to nod and smile and let them get on with it.

They might last. They might not.
They might regret settling down so young. They might have a lifetime of happiness together.

Just nod and smile. And have a giggle to yourself at what you were doing at that age.

I met my H at university too. It didn't stop me having a wild time in my 20s - we went to parties (not always together), clubbed, ate out, went on holidays with other people. As a pp says it's having children that slows you down.

I did miss out on sleeping around I suppose, but for me my marriage ended in my 40s and I've done alot of that dating stuff now - where I don't have to worry about having children or my biological clock, and I'm perfectly happy not living with anyone.

I’d have the same concerns as you. However my only hope for my dds is that they are happy, healthy and that their partners treat them right.