Are they not coming?

[LittleNut]

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

I'd take it as a hint personally.

If they were that interested, they're RSVP. Just take it as a no.

They'd

That’s so rude of them! How many people are you talking about here?

Just message back and say ‘As you haven’t replied I’m assuming you’re not coming and won’t include you in the catering numbers. If I’ve got this wrong and you are coming please let me know ASAP, otherwise there will be no food for you if you do turn up’.

Then find new friends.

Your friends are unbelievably rude.

I would send a final message saying you need to give numbers to the caterer and if they haven't responded by a certain date you will assume they are not coming.

I'd only give them a couple of days to respond. You've been way too nice so far.

This is so rude! Why are you inviting people who don't give a crap?
If it's people you really want to be there, I would say call em, put them on the spot, say you have a deadline and need to know whether to order a meal for them - today. If they can't give you and answer you can assume they're not fussed of being there, so can say, oh well, if I don't hear from you by 5 today I'm assuming you can't make it, you take care!

(They sound like the type to just rock up on the day tho, if nothing better comes along)

@NameChangedForAChange there's three of them, but their other halves were also invited so I guess in total that makes 6 guests

I personally wouldn’t cater for them and wouldn’t have them at my hen do either. Rude bastards!

I would msg them (viaWhatsApp so you can see if they’ve read it) and say “You don’t need to bother RSVPing via email or post if you don’t have the time but I really do need to know numbers for my wedding so please could reply to this msg with whether you’re coming or not.”

You they read it and don’t respond you could add “if I don’t hear from you by tonight I’ll assume you’re a ‘no’.”

@OchonAgusOchonOh

Your friends are unbelievably rude.

I would send a final message saying you need to give numbers to the caterer and if they haven't responded by a certain date you will assume they are not coming.

I'd only give them a couple of days to respond. You've been way too nice so far.

I would do this. Your friends are rude!

Really rude. Id say they're not coming and go ahead without them. Id send a message saying something like 'as you've not RSPV'd ive assumed you're not coming' or something like that. That way there will be no mixed up communication and itll stop them turning up to your wedding in case they assume its ok for them to come.

Six people - that’s quite a lump of catering budget. Instead of the Rude 6 you could have six different people who really want to be there. Do the ultimatum thing that PP have suggested.

@ChessieFL this basically. They are rude and lazy. It’s not that hard to respond?!

As above, one final message with if you haven't replied (even by text) to me by tonight, ill assume your not coming and take you off the catering numbers.

Very rude of them. Post a message as suggested above saying that you're confirming numbers tomorrow and if they do plan on being at the wedding then that's fine but they won't be catered for.

My BIL and SIL didn't RSVP so I just assumed they were coming with their two adult kids. Then they only turned up with one child so that was about £80 we paid out for no reason.

People are so rude if they don't RSVP to large events that are catered and not necessarily cheap. Especially with restrictions and things they way they are now with people possibly not wanting to come etc.

@ChessieFL

Just message back and say ‘As you haven’t replied I’m assuming you’re not coming and won’t include you in the catering numbers. If I’ve got this wrong and you are coming please let me know ASAP, otherwise there will be no food for you if you do turn up’.

Then find new friends.

Not ASAP, by x day at y time, you need a firm proper deadline.

When is the wedding? I agree that they’re being rude but I think covid is probably playing a part. Especially if the wedding is this year.

I'd reply saying ... hey guys just to let you know I need final numbers by (date in a few days time) for the catering. If I haven't heard back by then I'll assume you can't make it. Be lovely if you can though!

Keep it friendly in case it's just a genuine mistake / misunderstanding but if they still don't reply then I'd be phasing them out my life.

I would assume they’re not coming tbh! Surely they cant go silent and expect you to cater for them?! It is rude though, an rsvp isn’t difficult!

@KatherineOfGaunt oh my gosh :( family as well! Sorry that happened. It's so completely unfair on you!

Maybe it's pandemic related- lots of people are still anxious about seeing people face to face after so long. But either way, really rude not to say either way, or tell you why they are hesitant.

I'd go with one last message along the lines of " Dear friend, I really need to confirm numbers for my wedding. As you have not responded I assume you’re not able to make it, and therefore I won’t include you in the catering numbers.
If I’ve misunderstood and you are coming please let me know by 5pm Monday X date {whatever is the most reasonable for you, OP}.
Best wishes..."

I would go a little less aggressive in my msg…presumably you still want to be friends but just need to the numbers for your caterer.

“Dear Friend, I’m sorry you won’t be able to make to the wedding, I hope we get a chance to meet up/go out/whatever when life isn’t so crazy and busy. I’ll give you a ring later so we can make plans. If I’ve gotten this wrong and you are planning on coming, let me know by tomorrow, noon as I need to let the caterer know if you wanted the chicken or fish.”

Honestly I think wedding invitees get a little wrapped up in themselves and that their presence or lack of is going to devastate the bride and groom. Just say yes or no… all this angst is really unnecessary

We are getting married in a few weeks time and we have several friends/family (mostly family!) who didn't reply. We sent them all a nudge, the majority can't come but we felt on principle we should send them a nudge because it's rude not to even acknowledge that you've been invited IMO! It has opened our eyes as to who really cares about us..