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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 11/06/2021 13:23

I certainly wouldn't bother asking them again, they've had plenty of time as well as reminder nudges from you. It's really bad manners on their behalf. I always make sure to reply asap as l know how stressful it is trying to organise something like this.
You've been very patient, if you do receive a very late reply, just text sorry, l chased you up several times and have now got my exact numbers in place. That's what l would do, it's their loss and not yours.

mrsplum101 · 11/06/2021 13:29

We've had this too, I tried to be more understanding with Covid and everything, plus we've rescheduled so I understood they might not be able to make our new date or not know their plans for a while. But we've had to chase some people 4-5 times. I left it in the end and I'm just assuming they're not coming. It's so fucking rude.

Original poster
LittleNut · 11/06/2021 13:31

@glitterbubbles ooh good luck I hope yours all goes to plan! Wedding planning is making me rethink some of my relationships. It's simultaneously a really exciting time and also a bit sobering. Love your username by the way!

OP posts:
Original poster
LittleNut · 11/06/2021 13:36

Hi @mrsplum101 good luck for your big day! gosh 4-5 times :( I feel so odd about it all because I thought RSVP-ing was just a basic etiquette thing. It's a rubbish feeling having to jump around and wave in peoples faces to get them to acknowledge an invite!

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 11/06/2021 13:40

Depends on how much you want them there. You could contact them all and say 'I'm assuming you're not coming to the wedding as you haven't replied. That's a shame, but we'll catch up later.' Then they either say yes that's fine or they reply and say of course we're coming.

Of course the danger is they say the latter and then don't turn up.

UserAtRandom · 11/06/2021 13:40

I would stop messaging. Too easy to ignore/forget/overlook.

Yes, it's rude they haven't replied, but you still actually want to know if they are coming or not.
You need to ring them up and ask for an answer. Why does no one actually talk to anyone any more?

Leafy12 · 11/06/2021 13:40

They are being hideously rude. That makes me so angry. I work in wedding catering so I fully appreciate how much every guest matters in terms of numbers. Send them a very blunt request and say something like 'if I don't hear back we will assume you can't make it'. And then focus on your other friends who actually could reply.

katy1213 · 11/06/2021 13:42

So rude. I'd send one last message saying that as they didn't reply, you have assumed that's a no and they have not been included in catering arrangements.

2bazookas · 11/06/2021 13:42

Assume none of them are coming.

Send the non-responders another message " Sorry you're not coming come to our wedding. "

HauntedPencil · 11/06/2021 13:43

Yes this is really rude ! I'd also text and say in need to give final numbers tomorrow - so if I've not heard I'll have to assume you aren't coming

Topseyt · 11/06/2021 13:44

@OchonAgusOchonOh

Your friends are unbelievably rude.

I would send a final message saying you need to give numbers to the caterer and if they haven't responded by a certain date you will assume they are not coming.

I'd only give them a couple of days to respond. You've been way too nice so far.

That was the type of response I was going to suggest. Your "nice" and gentle approach has now repeatedly not worked, so switch it to a good kick up the arse.
InnaBun · 11/06/2021 13:46

I'd tell them you need confirmation by the end of tomorrow or unfortunately you'll have to rescind the invitation. This leaves them in no doubt that they aren't welcome to just turn up if they fancy it.

scaredsadandstuck · 11/06/2021 13:47

Are they in the same friendship group or from different groups. If the same is it possible there's something going on that they are all in on together? Are they offended you didn't ask them to be bridesmaids? Could they think it's a bit odd you invited them as you aren't actually that close?

I'm absolutely not trying to justify it - it's incredibly rude. It just seems odd that 3 people from one friendship group would do this (if it is one group).

MonsterKidz · 11/06/2021 13:48

Feel for your OP, it doesn’t sound like you’re being terribly annoying, I mean you do NEED to know

You could just assume they are not coming at this point, it’s terribly rude of them to not let you k ow either way after several reminders.

And yes, this is the sort of crap that leaves people feeling like I wish I hadn’t bothered with a big wedding!

RedthroatedCaracara · 11/06/2021 13:49

They're bloody rude but I don't understand why you didn't just ring and speak to them rather than sending "pretty-please" messages.

Hope you have a lovely day regardless Flowers

AngusThermopyle · 11/06/2021 13:50

It is annoying but definitely send the more specific final message by pp.

Aside though, you didn't actually write "pretty please" when asking did you? I'd vote a yabu for that 😂

drpet49 · 11/06/2021 13:50

* This is so rude! Why are you inviting people who don't give a crap?*

^This. They are so rude. If they don’t want to go why can’t they just say so.

Soverymuchfruit · 11/06/2021 13:52

Are you implicitly requiring the to RSVP via a specific method? Would it do just fine if they rsvped with a yes or no in reply to your text?

Not disagreeing they're mega rude.

Our parents and PILs invited some friends, who only replied verbally to PILs, NOT US, and didn't respond to any follow up messages being for replies as they thought they had replied. So annoying.

Chloemol · 11/06/2021 13:52

I would send one more message that states I have to give numbers, so I have to assume you are not coming. And leave it at that

They are not friends, friends would not be so rude

Beautiful3 · 11/06/2021 13:52

Do what @ChessieFL advised, its perfect. If they're bothered then they should message you straight away to confirm. If they had no intention of coming, then they'll stay radio silent. I've planned a wedding before and wouldn't pay for unconfirmed numbers, j did chase up a few then advised them if I heard nothing then I assumed they weren't coming.

TellingBone · 11/06/2021 13:53

Ring them

glitterbubbles · 11/06/2021 13:54

[quote LittleNut]@glitterbubbles ooh good luck I hope yours all goes to plan! Wedding planning is making me rethink some of my relationships. It's simultaneously a really exciting time and also a bit sobering. Love your username by the way![/quote]
Thank you - ditto for you! It's definitely an eye opener isn't it!

fashionablefennel · 11/06/2021 13:54

I would send a final message saying you need to give numbers to the caterer and if they haven't responded by a certain date you will assume they are not coming.

That.

Chasing people BEFORE the date of your RSVP is a bit rude, but ignoring your reminders and the RSVP? they are very rude.

earthyfire · 11/06/2021 13:55

I would start my message with "thanks to this who have confirmed" People then tend to get that fear of missing out feeling and start responding.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 11/06/2021 13:55

Could they be waiting to see how case numbers are etc before committing to a group event? Or if there any costs involved to travel, stay etc they don’t want to lose money if restrictions hit again etc,