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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:
mindutopia · 11/06/2021 13:55

I would just send a last follow up message and say that they haven't RSVPed so you have noted them as not able to attend, and you hope they're doing well!

DPotter · 11/06/2021 13:56

It's a pain, I know - call them and ask. It's 3 phone calls

OchonAgusOchonOh · 11/06/2021 13:56

@InnaBun

I'd tell them you need confirmation by the end of tomorrow or unfortunately you'll have to rescind the invitation. This leaves them in no doubt that they aren't welcome to just turn up if they fancy it.
I would not say you're rescinding the invitation as that only makes you look bad. It is reasonable to assume their lack of response is a no so, however you word it, make sure you are telling them it's their action (lack of response) that has resulted in you assuming they are not coming.
Original poster
LittleNut · 11/06/2021 13:57

@scaredsadandstuck they're all the same friendship group, just half of them have RSVP-d and half havent. I doubt any of them would be upset about not being my bridesmaid, they're some of my oldest friends but my bridesmaids are all family so I wouldn't have expected anyone friends to be offended. We're not that close, you're right, but when COVID isnt ruining everyone's lives we normally meet up as a group once a month and have dinner together and every now and then go for a day out together and they asked about being invited when I first got engaged because they were put out by only getting an evening invite to the other friends wedding...I'd be very confused if they found the invites too overly familiar.

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 11/06/2021 13:57

Send them one last message saying because of the caterers giving us a deadline, if you don't confirm by X date, we'll assume you can't make it.

Then something about how you completely understand with how things are right now, you know they'll be thinking of you and you'll raise a glass to them.

All that sort of soothing bollocks.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/06/2021 13:59

I’d give them a date to reply by, and tell them if they don’t it’ll be taken as “no” and you won’t include them in the numbers.

All this pretty please nonsense is making them think it’s optional!

joystir59 · 11/06/2021 13:59

When are you getting married? Perhaps people are waiting to see what happens re covid restrictions?

FlorenceWintle · 11/06/2021 14:00

I would phone them and if they don’t pick up, leave a voicemail. Then send a WhatsApp message saying you’ve left a voicemail.

If they ignore that, then it would be friendship-ending for me I’m afraid.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 11/06/2021 14:01

@ChessieFL

Just message back and say ‘As you haven’t replied I’m assuming you’re not coming and won’t include you in the catering numbers. If I’ve got this wrong and you are coming please let me know ASAP, otherwise there will be no food for you if you do turn up’.

Then find new friends.

This, I'm afraid.

It's very rude and extremely hurtful, but they can't be interested if they haven't had the common courtesy to reply (even if it's to say "Thank you, but we can't come, Grannie is having a 100th birthday party (or whatever)" and wish you a lovely day, then just forget them.

And if they do turn up, don't feed them.

justanotherneighinparadise · 11/06/2021 14:02

If you want to keep them as friends I would assume they are coming but accept they may make some feeble excuse closer to the day abd you’ll lose money on their food.

If you’re not bothered I’d send one more message saying you are assuming they are unable to make it so you have offered their places to someone else and catered accordingly. Least they then won’t turn up assuming they’ll be fed.

Dollywilde · 11/06/2021 14:02

Incredibly rude. To be honest I’d be half tempted to uninvite them from the hen for being this flakey, apparently they’re more than happy to respond to other invites in a timely fashion.

UpHillandDownAle · 11/06/2021 14:02

Well it sounds very rude to me and you sound very lovely about it all. I would recommend you do what makes you feel most comfortable with at this stage. Especially as they are part of a larger group. Their bad behaviour is merely a reflection of them so please don’t change how you would like to do things based on their bad behaviour. So: Call them, Ask them by text/what’s app one last time, confirm that you’ve taken their lack of reply as a not attending or just mark them as non attending without further comment. Their behaviour is a reflection of them and I wouldn’t give it another thought. They are are very thoughtless at best.
We did forget to reply to a wedding rsvp many moons ago but were mortified when we realised and made sure the couple knew we were mortified.

sonjadog · 11/06/2021 14:03

They sound like shit friends. Anyone who really cared would have got back to you after the first reminder. As others suggested, I would send a message to them saying that as you have heard nothing, you are assuming they aren't coming and have informed the caterers. I would also drop them from the hen party later. Why would you want to celebrate with people who can't even be bothered to send you a message saying "sorry, we can't come"? Celebrate your marriage with people who genuinely care about you, not people you have to chivvy into responding to an invite.

MirandaMarple · 11/06/2021 14:03

I wouldn't message again.

I don't get what's so difficult after 3 messages. It's rude, lazy and disrespectful.

Cheek of it.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/06/2021 14:07

Agree with others.

Don't message again. That's it. They are not coming. And if they get in a huff later, that's simply their problem. If I wanted to go to a wedding of a friend I would simply never be so rude and actually excitedly Rsvped as soon as!

VodkaSlimline · 11/06/2021 14:09

This is so rude and of course you aren't unreasonable to want to know whether they are coming to your wedding! Did your invitation/reminders include a date by which you wanted people to RSVP? Can you reallocate their places to other people? If so, I'd do that and let the non-responders know - if numbers aren't limited where you are you could always say they're still welcome to pop along for the evening do.

Viviennemary · 11/06/2021 14:09

I wouldn't give them another chance. Write and say that since you've not heard anything you've cancelled their meal.

OchonAgusOchonOh · 11/06/2021 14:10

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Agree with others.

Don't message again. That's it. They are not coming. And if they get in a huff later, that's simply their problem. If I wanted to go to a wedding of a friend I would simply never be so rude and actually excitedly Rsvped as soon as!

The danger of not messaging them again is they'll just turn up. Better to tell them you are assuming their lack of response means no.
AryaStarkWolf · 11/06/2021 14:11

Very rude not to respond, no one is saying they have to go but at least have the courtesy to decline the invite

MrsMiddleMother · 11/06/2021 14:14

Wow so rude! It's not hard to rsvp ffs. I'd send one last message saying 'as you haven't RSVP'd to our wedding invitation, I assume you will not be attending and will not include you in the catering numbers. And leave it at that, they're obviously not your friends if you don't even know if they will be attending your wedding or not

newnortherner111 · 11/06/2021 14:16

Are they waiting for Monday's announcement re Covid 19 restrictions, possibly, before deciding.

I agree it is rude not to reply. You don't need to go to one of those rare things called a post office to buy a stamp nowadays, there is email.

Original poster
LittleNut · 11/06/2021 14:16

@VodkaSlimline hi! the invites had a generic 'please kindly rsvp by xyz date' and gave a postal address and email address. we can absolutely invite someone else, although i'd feel a bit guilty if that someone felt like they were a last resort invite, so the sooner I hear back from these friends the better really. they could also just come for the evening, the catering capacity is limited by how many tables can be squished in to the venue but the evening not so much so we could just have them in the evening. I'd be fine with that if it's what they wanted.

OP posts:
Lorw · 11/06/2021 14:16

Don’t chase people for RVSPs. After all if they cared enough they would do it. Send a message with a cut off date saying that you’ll take it as a no if they don’t get back to you and leave it at that, don’t stress yourself out more chasing people for something that takes 2 mins, save yourself some money or invite someone who would love to be there.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/06/2021 14:17

The danger of not messaging them again is they'll just turn up. Better to tell them you are assuming their lack of response means no.

Truth. In that case
"Thank you all who rsvpd, we look forward to having you there! I am sorry few of you here can't make it, so didn't rsvp yes, but we will make sure to have some nice pictures and videos up so you can see. I will try to keep some wedding favours on a side for you (if applicable)"

starfishmummy · 11/06/2021 14:17

Why try again? You sent the invitation and 3 reminders and theybstill haven't replied.

Id probably do a group email in a few weeks saying how excited you are now everything is finalised and you are sorry that some people are not able to be there and leave it at that.