Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:

Ostara212 · 11/06/2021 15:06

Phone them.

While they are on the phone say "it's yes or no today", and stick with that.

Original poster

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 15:08

@blackwych none of those who havent RSVP-d are married but all of them have been to weddings before and been bridesmaids at other weddings. I really didnt think any of them would be like this, they're all really lovely people, well educated and down to earth... It's got me wondering if maybe they just dont like me and havent liked me for a while or just dont care about me at all. I've known some of them since I was a tot.. I feel like an idiot

OP posts:

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 11/06/2021 15:09

When is the wedding? They are being very rude!

UpTheJunktion · 11/06/2021 15:11

If they are talking about going to the Hen do I would get your bridesmaid to contact them and say "before I confirm Hen arrangements can I just get confirmation that you are attending the wedding? I am helping LIttleNut with arrangements and your names are not on the 'replied' list.

She only has 3 people to contact.

MaMaD1990 · 11/06/2021 15:13

@LittleNut - I feel so annoyed for them making you feel that way. It's all the more reason to just tell them they're no longer able to come (day or evening!) and look forward to lovely day with everyone that loves and cares about you. If you take some control back, you'll be able to move past it quicker, they really aren't worth it.

drawerofwater · 11/06/2021 15:17

I’m gobsmacked at how rude THREE of your friends are! One maybe…but 3?! Get new friends

RedthroatedCaracara · 11/06/2021 15:18

I wish people would stop suggesting twee passive aggressive messages.

Why don't you just ring them, OP?

eatitgood · 11/06/2021 15:20

I wouldn't message again. They know, they just don't care. I wouldn't plan for them and if they do eventually rsvp yes I'd reply 'we didn't include you in catering numbers as we didn't hear from you by x time'. If they reply no then you can say 'yes I assumed that from your non response to previous messages'.

KrisAkabusi · 11/06/2021 15:22

Just phone and ask them!

UpHillandDownAle · 11/06/2021 15:23

@LittleNut - to badly misquote - don’t automatically assume maline intent where incompetence can explain it.
I can totally get why it’s got you questioning your relationships with them but I would just park that for now if you can and concentrate on doing next what will help you enjoy your wedding the most. How do you feel right now about them coming? If you still want them there (for themselves or because it works best for you with regard to ongoing group dynamics) then I wouldn’t worry about why they’ve not replied - the possibilities for this are endless and may or may not be a reflection on how their view their friendship with you. (For instance, I wouldn’t not reply to a wedding rsvp for someone I secretly detested so I just don’t think their reply or lack of can easily be purely viewed as to how they’d feel about you). It is a reflection on their current values (which certainly differ from mine) &/or current blind spots (if you’re all still in your 20s, I can certainly look back on some of my behaviour in my 20s and realise that I accidentally came across in ways I didn’t mean to).
I think I would send a friendly final reminder along the lines of “ final rsvp reminder, if you can come to the wedding, I’ll be giving final numbers to caterers this week so I need a yes by end of xx or otherwise I’ll have to assume you’re a no).
If people are part of a larger group that I’m in then I do tolerate behaviour that I wouldn’t usually for the sake of group cohesion. I do usually also make the decision that they’re not members of the group I will particularly put myself out for in the future though and reduce meeting up with them 1-2-1 outside the group- although I’ll be friendly enough when I see them and enjoy the more superficial friendship that’s the natural consequence.

PineappleAce · 11/06/2021 15:23

@Wrotten

If they were that interested, they're RSVP. Just take it as a no.

But then they'll turn up on the day and you'll be scrambling to discreetly add them to the table plan! This happened to me.

It's the height of rudeness not to give a timely RSVP.
My view - less of the "pretty please" and more assertiveness needed on your part:
Try "Hi friend - please would you let me know by return whether you or not you are intending to come to my wedding on XX - as I need to give final numbers to the venue by this week. We'd love you to come but if you're not able to, I would like to release your spot to somebody else".

BreakingtheIce · 11/06/2021 15:24

Incredibly rude.

UpHillandDownAle · 11/06/2021 15:25

I think I would find it hard to ring up and ask in these circumstances.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 11/06/2021 15:25

@RedthroatedCaracara

I wish people would stop suggesting twee passive aggressive messages.

Why don't you just ring them, OP?

The time to just ring was number of messages ago. I am not usually for pa stuff, but these people don't deserve any better at this point.

MRex · 11/06/2021 15:28

I'd cut them off the list now, they've been rude and it's unnecessary. People who can't even be arsed to say yes or no, they aren't going to be around throughout your lives. So they're not worth excessive thought now.

Send a polite message "Sorry you guys can't make it to celebrate with us on X date, we'll raise a glass next time we see you instead."
If they question it, "Gosh I'm so sorry, I chased a few times for your reply but, as I told you, I had to confirm the caterers and obviously assumed no reply meant you couldn't attend."

FortVictoria · 11/06/2021 15:30

@CupoTeap

I'd be very tempted to send them a message saying sorry you can't make it!

I did this with all the wedding guests that didn’t RSVP to us. Followed by a quick sentence to say “We wish you could have been there for our special day, but appreciate that you can’t be there. We have sent the final list to the caterers.”

Roselilly36 · 11/06/2021 15:31

Rude of them, they obviously don’t want to come to your wedding, but they should at least have the decency to tell you. Have a great day OP.

Notaroadrunner · 11/06/2021 15:32

Ring them and don't let them fob you off again by saying they will let you know later. Tell them they need to let you know there and then. Don't bother making up excuses about catering etc. They're either going or not and they have been unbelievably rude up to now.

shockthemonkey · 11/06/2021 15:33

"We are confirming final numbers for our caterers this evening, and are assuming all those who have not RSVPed won't be able to come. If we have somehow misunderstood, kindly let us know before 8 pm tonight so we can rectify."

They need a very precise deadline, not "ASAP".

sbhydrogen · 11/06/2021 15:35

Jeez, it's not that hard to confirm if you can make it or not!

I'd phone them tonight, and tell them you need an answer there and then, otherwise you'll put them down as a 'not attending'.

blackwych · 11/06/2021 15:45

@LittleNut I'm sure it's not the case that they don't like you. Sounds like you've been friends for a while so probably you would have noticed before now if that was the case! When I was dealing with my similar problem I put it down to them being busy, flaky, not understanding how weddings work and just not being wrapped up in the wedding like a bride might be.

After my guest list was finalized I then had two couples not turn up. One friend told me the night before the wedding that he and his girlfriend weren't coming after all as he had to go to a training event, which he had known might happen when he accepted the invitation. The others just got the date wrong, apparently. I was not pleased because I could have invited other people instead.

Laiste · 11/06/2021 15:51

You're not an idiot OP.

They have shown themselves to be rude self absorbed people.

Even if you don't like someone you RSVP to an invitation!

Tell them if you haven't heard by the end of the weekend then they're getting replaced. You can say it nicely if you want to :) Or not!

poppycat10 · 11/06/2021 15:55

If the OP calls, they probably won't be there anyway or be driving or at work or on the loo or a million and one reasons why they won't answer the phone. The OP has done enough. Move on and invite other people or save money on those 6 guests.

notthenever · 11/06/2021 15:56

I think your friends are shit. Its just bloody rude and unpleasant not to reply.

poppycat10 · 11/06/2021 15:58

After my guest list was finalized I then had two couples not turn up

Oh I had a load of people drop out. I had to have a minimum of 6o people and it became very touch and go whether I'd have the numbers or not. The ones I remember: one friend not come over from Germany because he'd been offered a job in Switzerland a week or so later than the wedding. Another friend just decided not to come, can't remember her excuse now. And my cousin's wife decided that my cousin and her wouldn't come because she was a teacher and they couldn't come until Saturday morning and it was too far, which it probably was, but a teacher friend did make it from about the same distance away.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10