Are they not coming?

[LittleNut]

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

I wouldn’t be running around begging for a reply. I would write them off and invite people who have manners.

Why on earth not just phone them? Surely you would not invite someone to your wedding who you were not comfortable speaking to on the phone? If they are not close enough for you to pick up the phone to them then you should probably rethink why you invited them in the first place.

@HaveringWavering But why should she chase after them with endless messages and phone calls?
Seriously I wouldn’t run after such rude people. I’d be tempted to scale it right down and have a small intimate do.

Get on the phone and speak to them. If it goes to voicemail then leave a message saying I will assume you're not coming unless I hear from you by x date. Bloody rude of them though.

Because the bottom line is that she needs solid numbers at this point, @Sadsiblingatsea.

It's probably too late to scale things down. She has chosen a venue based on a certain size of wedding, and probably paid deposits to vendors.

[quote Sadsiblingatsea]@HaveringWavering But why should she chase after them with endless messages and phone calls?
Seriously I wouldn’t run after such rude people. I’d be tempted to scale it right down and have a small intimate do.[/quote]
Well that’s why I suggested she rethink their invitations if she doesn’t fancy phoning them. But if she still wants them to come then she needs to phone them. Presumably the venue is one that works best at full capacity so too late to scale down.

Such a shame

Manners cost NOTHING

This is so rude

@Diva66

I’d just send them a message saying “Sorry you can’t make my wedding” and get on with planning without them included.

This. Don’t give them an option to ignore you again or even to keep thinking about whether they can or can’t make it. Their laziness/indecision will cost you money. Fuck them off, at least for the wedding. And worry about whether or not you still want to bother with them afterwards. For now they’ve missed the deadline so aren’t included in the numbers, which is the entire point of RSVPing.

Hope you have a lovely day

I meant to say, give them another deadline date, as in ‘today’ lol

Your friends are unbelievably rude. I would send a final message saying you need to give numbers to the caterer and if they haven't responded by a certain date you will assume they are not coming. I'd only give them a couple of days to respond. You've been way too nice so far.

I agree 100%. I hope you and DH have a wonderful day.

Don't give them any more chances

They've had plenty

Agree with pp to just send a message saying you're sorry they can't come. I wouldn't add anything about missing them!!

I’ve only read a few replies and possibly going against the grain here but I think, unless they’re pricks, that you should assume they’re coming. It’s just the formality of the rsvp that they’re struggling to get around to (which is rude given you’ve had to ask a couple of times already). Are they v chilled? Have they verbally said they’ll be there? I think, assuming the answer to both of these is ‘yes’, then it doesn’t occur to them that you really need it in writing. I can see why it’s getting you down though, I’m sure there are lots of people who are genuinely excited to see you two get hitched (possibly even some of these numpties!). Hope you have a brilliant day xx

They are not friends and you do not need to go chasing after them. Assume they are not coming and either email them to let them know they are not counted in, or if they turn up just say they were not expected. Concentrate on your real friends.

Think carefully before you burn your bridges on the pass-agg responses suggested here. Maybe message the one you’re closest to and say you’re feeling down that no one can be arsed to respond and see what she says?

In this situation- if you dont want to make things awkward for the whole friendship group- I would do a last message- "i am confirming numbers on Monday, are you coming to my wedding?"

Also deploying bridesmaid would be handy, can she directly ask if they are going to the wedding as she's helping you and has noticed they are one of the few you'd not heard from either way.

Would booking accommodation play a part in their feet dragging? They may be hesitant to go ahead and book hotels etc before Monday’s announcement?

They are certainly being rude!

I'd send a generic email with bcc's to everyone who hasn't saying you are hoping they can join you on the big day, but also understand everyone is busy. Then give a firm deadline. Text can make people forget deadlines as it's less formal etc. Something like this

"Hard to believe it is 8 weeks away. We haven't heard whether you can make it or not. We'd love to celebrate with you, but understand everyone is busy too. We have a firm deadline from the venue of Wednesday June 16th. Please RSVP by then or we will assume that sadly you can't make it. Wishing everyone a great rest of the weekend."

Good luck!

We got hardly any RSVPs. Thankfully we just catered for everyone as they all came

I'd send one last message saying you need to know by tomorrow or regretfully you'll have to assume they can't make it for the final figures.

It is very rude of them though

Very rude friends OP. I think I'd have to make provisions on the assumption they are coming even if they wont confirm. Because if they do turn up and you haven catered it will be more awkward

Id absolutely now respond with, ‘As I previously stated, we had to send final numbers of people who accepted the invitation to the venue. It’s a shame you cannot make it, but we will definitely catch up soon.’

Then call the other people you want to invited getting bumped up. My colleague was at a wedding recently and was delighted at getting bumped up to ‘one of the 30’ after someone dropped out.

They are being rude. Uninvite them

Call them and ask

I would send a further message with a date to reply by and say if you want to come please let me know by x date (ideally a few days before final numbers), if I don't hear from you I will assume you can't make it.

Sorry they haven't replied that's really bad. I normally assume people who don't reply aren't coming but sometimes I've had people not reply and turn up so you never know.

I wouldn’t call them or ask them again, just send a text or WhatsApp message saying you’ve taken the no response to mean they can’t attend and have updated the caterers. That way they can’t just turn up and say they didn’t realise. Make it crystal clear and put an end to this dragging on.