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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:
LanaDelBoy · 11/06/2021 16:08

How about "I'm emailing the caterers at 6pm [or whatever] with final numbers. So far I don't have you in the numbers - if this isn't right please let me know by 5pm tonight - thanks!"

It is incredibly rude but I think sometimes people who haven't organised big events like this think they just magically happen for them to arrive to or not as they feel like.

sherlockhomeless · 11/06/2021 16:14

'Friend' of mine rsvpd as coming then the night before the wedding messaged me saying he couldn't make it as he had no way of getting there. No just all his housemates were driving up and car sharing, then I saw he posted on Facebook that he was lonely whilst his friends went to Yorkshire for a wedding.. HmmConfused more annoying was he was vegan and dairy free and it cost us extra to sort out a meal that no one ate

lastcall · 11/06/2021 16:17

"Hi everyone. Thanks for those who got back to us; we've now confirmed numbers with the caterers. For anyone who RSBP's 'no' or didn't respond, we're sorry you're unable to come. If your plans, change, let us know and we can pencil you in for the evening portion which starts at XX X time."

MsBubbles85 · 11/06/2021 16:22

I feel your pain...this happened to me when I got married 2 years ago.

I got married in Spain (I'm Spanish) and 3 of my Spanish friends that live in UK didn't bother sending the RSVP. I had to message them several times and the last time I said that I needed confirmation for the menus, at the end the confirmed they were not going.
Another friend of mine, after saying she would go and her daughter being one of the flower girls, when I asked 3 weeks before the wedding at what time they were arriving to Spain she said she didn't know if they were going or not...2 weeks before she said that maybe she would go on her own and 2 days before a friend in common told me she wasn't coming.

Justwantanewname · 11/06/2021 16:26

Just commenting on your post wondering if this means they don’t like you. I honestly doubt it. I’d say they’re just rude and self-centred!

wheretonow123 · 11/06/2021 16:28

I agree with phoning them.

Sometimesfraught82 · 11/06/2021 16:30

* they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign! *

What... that people who can’t be arsed to respond to you, and with whom you don’t seem to have regular contact with - are coming to your hen do?

Op, do you generally lack self esteem?!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/06/2021 16:31

I would send a final message saying you need to give numbers to the caterer and if they haven't responded by a certain date you will assume they are not coming
I'd only give them a couple of days to respond. You've been way too nice so far

This

I detest rudeness, and the only extra I'd do is to follow up with a "sorry we won't be seeing you but we'll look forward to showing you the photos" or similar ... just so it's clear they're not coming and you don't have the awkwardness of them showing up on the day

Nocutenamesleft · 11/06/2021 16:35

I thought it meant they were coming. But I see I’m in the rare side!

I’d ring them and say. I’ve got to let the caterer know. Are you coming. Don’t message. It all gets lost in translation. Then you’ve got a yes or no. Easy.

I had a very small wedding for this reason. I had my parents. One friend each. End of. Hugs. You’re doing a great job xx

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/06/2021 16:43

"Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?"

Personally, I wouldn't want these rude fuckers at my wedding now. So yes, I think you should be more assertive.

'I've asked you three times now, are you coming to my wedding or not? If you are, let me know by midnight tomorrow, otherwise I accept you are not coming and I can FINALLY confirm to my caterers how many meals they are providing".

Yes, they might get a stick up their arses at that and go in a huff with me. I'd count that as a win, really.

ellyeth · 11/06/2021 16:49

I agree with ChessieFL.

These friends are very rude and unkind. Most people are preoccupied with one thing or another but it doesn't take much time or effort to respond to an invitation.

Sometimesfraught82 · 11/06/2021 16:49

“Sorry you couldn’t make it, but understand it’s a tricky time for many of us! Hope you have a lovely summer. All the best, XYZ”

orangecinnamon · 11/06/2021 16:56

[quote LittleNut]@blackwych none of those who havent RSVP-d are married but all of them have been to weddings before and been bridesmaids at other weddings. I really didnt think any of them would be like this, they're all really lovely people, well educated and down to earth... It's got me wondering if maybe they just dont like me and havent liked me for a while or just dont care about me at all. I've known some of them since I was a tot.. I feel like an idiot[/quote]
Some people are rude and thoughtless. One last final message @LittleNut?

I'm sure you'd know by now if they really didn't like you THAT much.

MrsJBaptiste · 11/06/2021 16:59

@lastcall

"Hi everyone. Thanks for those who got back to us; we've now confirmed numbers with the caterers. For anyone who RSBP's 'no' or didn't respond, we're sorry you're unable to come. If your plans, change, let us know and we can pencil you in for the evening portion which starts at XX X time."
Perfect 👍
IMNOTSHOUTING · 11/06/2021 17:01

Yanbu how ride and hurtful.

LowlandLucky · 11/06/2021 17:10

Send another message saying "sorry you can't make the day, we will miss your company". That tells them they can't just rock up on the day.

Jaxhog · 11/06/2021 17:23

Too many people wait to RSVP until they can decide whether they've got a better offer. It is extremely rude.

I'd do one more RSVP but add a specific deadline (no more than a week away). Otherwise assume they are not coming.

Mirabella7 · 11/06/2021 17:29

@ChessieFL

Just message back and say ‘As you haven’t replied I’m assuming you’re not coming and won’t include you in the catering numbers. If I’ve got this wrong and you are coming please let me know ASAP, otherwise there will be no food for you if you do turn up’.

Then find new friends.

Totally agree.I’m actually shocked by how rude they.Very bad manners!
CoraPirbright · 11/06/2021 17:34

Abysmally bad manners! I would not chase them again and, should they just nonchalantly pitch up on the day, I would tell them to fuck off. It is the work of a moment to just check the diary and ping an email. They don’t even have to write anything and find an envelope and stamp (although given how much weddings cost, this is frankly the least they could fucking do). I a furious on your behalf!!

IncessantNameChanger · 11/06/2021 17:35

I would assume they are not coming and save yourself some cash. Just send a last message saying numbers are now set for the day so hopefully you might see them.in the evening if they can make it.

I wouldnt chase anyone four times for a free day of fun. I'd be at your wedding like a shot! I would also RSVP the first time you chased me

puddleduckmummy · 11/06/2021 17:36

They haven't responded within the RSVP period, you assume they aren't coming and don't cater for them. They have the front to turn up on the day, your best man (or similar) has a word and tells them to leave as they aren't catered for. If they can't be bothered to respond, it wouldn't be bothered to continue the friendship

FunMcCool · 11/06/2021 17:39

Instead of saying do you have invite just ask outright are you coming?

ChristmasFluff · 11/06/2021 17:42

Don't overthink this.

Send them a message to say their lack of RSVP means that their invitation no longer stands

And they aren't your friends.

Youmeanyouvelostyourkey · 11/06/2021 17:45

When we got married, a whole table who had accepted didn't show up or let us know that they weren't coming. When we said something to a relative, they said "oh they always do that"......We weren't very happy. all the extra food went to waste although I did manage to get their bottles of wine reallocated. Not only was it rude, it looked awful with a whole empty table. It's so stressful and people just don't give a stuff

footballmom · 11/06/2021 17:56

Hi OP. Firstly I hope you are ok. It's very rude if your friends.

Secondly I've just read this thread snd I'm trying to work out what possible reason ( reasonably or not) they could have for not RSVPing within the time scale.

You've been asked three times when the wedding is but haven't responded @LittleNut .
When is the wedding? If it's in 8-10 weeks time, then no excuses. They are out of order. But if the wedding is day in 6 months or longer, then they may be struggling to answer whether they can commit or not. They may feel privately that it's just too long away to commit, or perhaps they are worried about another Covid wave etc...

I think when you answer the question we when the wedding is schedule might make me understand their reaction ( or lack of more like)

That being said, they should have at least given you an explanation.

Another thing that struck me on this thread was the amount of PPs that have given you ideas of what to text.
Honestly, if they were good friends, that you see regularly and are attending your hen, I eoin's be picking up the phone and asking them outright.
They deserve to squirm a bit...