Are they not coming?

[LittleNut]

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

These people are not interested and are very rude. Draw a line under all of this, plan your tables, catering etc without including them. Once your wedding is over, think about building a better group of friends. I would have very little to do with them in future.

@Ispini

I personally wouldn’t cater for them and wouldn’t have them at my hen do either. Rude bastards!

Same.

"Hey [friend name]

I've just given confirmed numbers to our wedding caterers. As I didn't hear either way, I've assumed you and [friend's partner] won't be able to come.

We'll miss you on the day, but I hope [groom's name] and I can catch up with you for a celebratory drink later in the year.

Take care,

LittleNut

P. S. On the chance I missed your RSVP and you are planning to come, please let me know by tomorrow so I can add you to the caterer's list.

I would assume they're not coming or waiting to see what happens with Covid. I wouldn't ask them directly again, but maybe if you have a close friend who has rsvp'd ask them to try and do some digging?

Just to add - in my experience if people definitely can't go to something (eg they are at another wedding on that date, will be on holiday etc), they tell you straight away, or the first time you chase. Or if they have a reason they are waiting to see (eg. Waiting for work rotas, think it might clash with something there DP has already accepted and need to confirm dates), they tell you when you first chase.

Not saying one way or another is because they arent sure they want to go.

Is the wedding in the middle of the summer hols? Are they holding out to find out about restrictions and whether they can go on holiday or not? It sounds like they’re hedging bets to see if something better might be happening. I’ve got a ‘friend’ who always does this when she’s got no intention of coming. I would take the decision away from them and turn their day invite to a night invite (if you want to keep the friendship - although I wouldn’t recommend it, i would recommend cutting them off and focusing on your real friends).

What did you decide to do @LittleNut ? Hope you've told the rude buggers they are no longer invited!

You know the old adage "if you want something done, ask a busy person"? It's true.

A busy person will think about whether they can do it, when, how, what's involved etc before they say yes they can, so when they do say yes, you know that that not only can they but they've already got it planned and plugged in and it will be done.

Not busy people don't. They tend to leave it for the moment, let's see what else comes up, I'll do it later, yada yada yada.

I've been both. I am really worried about retirement as I know I will never be busy again. DH thinks he's busy but he's not so busy he can't fit prevarication in, which then makes him less busy today, say, so he can do it tomorrow, and tomorrow will allow more prevarication and so on until he's been so prevaricative (is there such a word? there should be) that he finds he actually is busy trying to do all those things he's been putting off all at once as the deadlines and desperate needs etc take over. (Desperate Needs includes with and/or daughter screaming very very loudly and being very cross).

Your friends aren't busy enough.

wife, not 'with', wife and daughter, obvs

@LittleNut have they replied yet? Did you send another message?

Did you ever find out if they were coming 🤣 are you married now?!