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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are they not coming?

236 replies

LittleNut · 11/06/2021 12:54

Another wedding post for you all!
Please don't lynch me!!

We sent out invites a while ago and for one of my friendship groups, half of them haven't RSVP-d. I thought maybe they had been lost in the post so sent a 'did you receive your invite, dont forget to RSVP :)' message. It was read but not replied to. A week later (after the date we asked people to respond) I sent another message saying 'pretty please let us know if you can make it' and got a few 'sorry I forgot/i'll look at it tonight/i lost the invite' messages but no confirmations either way. I said no worries, just let us know their plans and sent the RSVP info for those that had lost their invites but still no RSVPs back (they can do it over email or post). I sent a third message a week later saying pretty please let us know if you're coming as we really need to let the vendors know numbers/meals etc - which is true! And again 'sorry i'll do it tonight' and then didnt :S

They could be busy and I don't want to keep hassling them after sending 3 messages already... I guess I'm a bit sad that they haven't let me know either way and feel a bit awkward being left hanging. According to my bridesmaids, they're coming to the hen party a few weeks before the wedding so I think that's a good sign!

One of us got married a while back and only invited everyone to the evening and when I got engaged there were some jokes about do I like them enough to invite them to the entire day - which I did so I kind of just took it for granted that they'd all be there, maybe a bit presumptive of me.

Do you think I should assume they're coming, or not coming? Or be more assertive and insist they tell me their RSVP? Or have I been too annoying about it? Or am I over thinking it?

I totally get no one gives as much of a crap about our wedding as me and fiancé but it would be nice to know who's coming and if people arent that's fine, we could maybe invite someone else in their place, or save a bit of money on the food and buy extra wine! :D

All this wedding stuff I think is so much hassle we are starting to wish we eloped and had a very small wedding!! Too late now of course!!

OP posts:
viques · 11/06/2021 14:18

I would send a message saying

“So sorry you won’t be sharing our special day. Maybe we can all meet up at another time. Will miss seeing you on the day. “

esterwin · 11/06/2021 14:20

I would say I have to tell the caterers final numbers by x date. If I do not hear from you I will assume you are unable to make it. And if they contact me after the date wanting to come, I would say sorry it is too late.

VeganCow · 11/06/2021 14:22

I would send one last message saying you are finalising tomorrow and if no response by then they arent included, I wouldnt bother at all if it werent for the fact they may turn up! Rude.

InnaBun · 11/06/2021 14:22

That's a point. Rescinding makes you seem rude but it's them not replying thats the problem. Just make it clear they can't turn up.

InnaBun · 11/06/2021 14:23

@VeganCow

I would send one last message saying you are finalising tomorrow and if no response by then they arent included, I wouldnt bother at all if it werent for the fact they may turn up! Rude.
Yeah that's my concern, they might just pop in for a drink if they fancy it on the day.
InnaBun · 11/06/2021 14:23

@viques

I would send a message saying

“So sorry you won’t be sharing our special day. Maybe we can all meet up at another time. Will miss seeing you on the day. “

This is a great idea
viques · 11/06/2021 14:25

[quote LittleNut]@VodkaSlimline hi! the invites had a generic 'please kindly rsvp by xyz date' and gave a postal address and email address. we can absolutely invite someone else, although i'd feel a bit guilty if that someone felt like they were a last resort invite, so the sooner I hear back from these friends the better really. they could also just come for the evening, the catering capacity is limited by how many tables can be squished in to the venue but the evening not so much so we could just have them in the evening. I'd be fine with that if it's what they wanted.[/quote]
“I’d be fine with that if it’s what they wanted”

But it’s not their day, it’s your day, it’s what you want. You wanted them at your wedding, you asked them to confirm attendance several times and they ignored you.

They are not thinking of your day and what you want, and making it special for you, frankly I wouldn’t want people at my wedding who care so little about my feelings. You will have enough people there who love you and are happy for you and want to share your celebration. Don’t put yourself out for selfish and rude people who don’t care enough to pick up the phone, or send an email.

KarmaStar · 11/06/2021 14:26

That's beyond ignorant and I would send them a message saying you're sorry they can't attend your wedding you're super excited as you know it's going to be a very happy occasion and you wish them all the best in the future.
Then block them and move on.
Have a lovely day,thoroughly enjoy it surrounded by people who are genuinely there.

HeavenHotel · 11/06/2021 14:26

@viques

I would send a message saying

“So sorry you won’t be sharing our special day. Maybe we can all meet up at another time. Will miss seeing you on the day. “

Why chase people who obviously don't give a fuck about you to your wedding?

Don't understand. I'd send the message above. Please don't say you're going beg message them a 5th time!!

Have an amazing day OP!

MaMaD1990 · 11/06/2021 14:27

How rude of them! I'd do as PP suggested and say you need an answer by x date and if you don't hear anything, you'll take it as a no. I also wouldn't be extending them an invite to the evening either given their rudeness. It all smacks of mean girls behaviour to me for some reason. Ditch them and find new friends!

Sally872 · 11/06/2021 14:31

So rude not to get back to you! I would phone or message them individually saying

"are you and partner coming to wedding? I need to confirm numbers so let me know either way"

If they don't reply say "I am really hurt you haven't replied. I am having to assume you are not coming"

MumW · 11/06/2021 14:34

Unbelievably rude - just ring them and ask.
"If you aren't going to bother answering then I'll be demoting you to Evening Guest status",

VodkaSlimline · 11/06/2021 14:39

[quote LittleNut]@VodkaSlimline hi! the invites had a generic 'please kindly rsvp by xyz date' and gave a postal address and email address. we can absolutely invite someone else, although i'd feel a bit guilty if that someone felt like they were a last resort invite, so the sooner I hear back from these friends the better really. they could also just come for the evening, the catering capacity is limited by how many tables can be squished in to the venue but the evening not so much so we could just have them in the evening. I'd be fine with that if it's what they wanted.[/quote]
Well, if you included a deadline and made it so easy for people to respond there is NO EXCUSE. And I think you can get away with alternative/backup invites if you are nice about it - just say you were keeping numbers down because of Covid but now realise you can have more guests than you thought and you'd love them to be there. Or something. Either way, I think you should contact the non-responders to tell them they are now only invited to the evening do as you've had to confirm your catering numbers. That'll learn 'em.

thenightsky · 11/06/2021 14:42

Ring them and ask for a yes or no right there and then. No humming or arrring.

Zari29 · 11/06/2021 14:42

That is extremely rude. It is upsetting that these are close friends and they are creating some unhappiness around your special day. If they don't want to come, then they should politely decline. Take control of this so it's not left you feeling as if you were let down. A final message saying after X date you will assume non attendance.

YelloYelloYello · 11/06/2021 14:45

Are you going to call or message?

PaniniHead · 11/06/2021 14:47

I wouldn’t chase anymore, you’ve reminded and asked so many times

Boood · 11/06/2021 14:47

So rude. I had to chase a few people but they all gave me an answer one way or the other when I chased- you don’t have to actually dig out the RVSP to say yes or no.
If I were you I’d message again saying you had to finalise catering numbers and had no choice but to assume they weren’t coming. If you’ve got that wrong you’d be delighted to see them in the evening, but unfortunately it’s now too late to arrange food for them.

MadeForThis · 11/06/2021 14:49

I would just message and say that you have had to confirm numbers for the catering but they are still welcome to come to the evening party if they are free.

wizzywig · 11/06/2021 14:50

Not saying its an excuse, are you the first to get married in your group, so they don't understand the importance of responding?

ohforarainyday · 11/06/2021 14:52

Just people being rude and flaky.

When two of my best friends got married, I was one of only two people who RSVPd by the deadline. Others RSVPd weeks later, and others didn't RSVP at all then turned up on the day.

blackwych · 11/06/2021 14:57

Are these invitees married themselves? It's not an excuse for their rudeness but I think people who haven't organised a wedding or something similar just don't understand that the organisers and caterers need to know definite numbers and that just waiting to see if you feel like going at the time is not OK for something formal.

I was amazed years ago when I invited a group of work friends to my wedding and then half of them didn't RSVP. I also invited boyfriends/girlfriends and I remember asking one friend in person if she was coming. Yes, she was. What about her boyfriend? He 'wasn't sure and would let us know nearer the time, was that OK?' I can't remember what I said, but I was amazed that educated, professional people didn't know how to RSVP or that it would cause problems if you didn't bother to give a definite answer.

I would be worried about people who haven't replied just turning up anyway, so perhaps you need to make it clear that they can't.

NewlyGranny · 11/06/2021 15:00

It's so rude of them! Nobody is ever too busy to be polite and RSVP by a clear deadline.

Lots of weddings are online now so people can RSVP, make menu choices, book accommodation etc online. I do think people are more likely to follow a link than post a reply.

poppycat10 · 11/06/2021 15:02

@ohforarainyday

Just people being rude and flaky.

When two of my best friends got married, I was one of only two people who RSVPd by the deadline. Others RSVPd weeks later, and others didn't RSVP at all then turned up on the day.

I didn't realise people could be that clueless about weddings and big events. It seems clear to me that you have to RSVP.

Anyway OP, to avoid the above happening, I'd send a message today saying "sorry you can't make the wedding, hope to see you afterwards for a belated celebration". I guarantee at least one of them will say "but we want to come" then you can say "oh just in the nick of time, what do you want to eat". 24 hours after sending first message, invite other people to fill the spaces not filled.

CupoTeap · 11/06/2021 15:02

I'd be very tempted to send them a message saying sorry you can't make it!