Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP I don't know what your plans are or your circumstances but if you haven't already realised, you can get help and advice and support from Women's Aid about the relationship and housing, benefits etc.

The council can also advise you about housing, benefits etc. You're not voluntarily homeless for leaving him, being raped and in an abusive relationship (which this is) is a legitimate reason to need to leave and be found somewhere else to stay.

The job centre can advise on what help is available both for now and for if you need to get back to full time work in the future.

All these organisations can help with your immediate needs and give you the information necessary for you to see what your life could be like in the medium to long term once this initial chaotic phase is over.

I don't know what support the SARC or police might offer in addition to taking evidence and noting the crime. It could be they have access to and could refer you for counselling or sexual violence support workers or something. I'm sure you'd not be the only person they've encountered saying they need to talk to them about rape and their housing situation. They probably can offer some sort of advice or signposting to other organisations which can help.

[quote Whereswally2]@PerciphonePuma first of all I'd like to clarify I am not back with him. Im still at my family home and have been a single mum for the past 4 days. I know to you it must seem simple. So it's easy to judge from the outside looking in. Yes in an ideal world I guess I wouldn't have to even glance back his way. But it isnt quite like that. Things are more complicated and I dont have many options or time. I wont list the reasons and it's all very outing. But whatever I decide will not be easy or necessarily great either way[/quote]
Excuse me?

You are NOT the only woman on this thread who has been in a relationship with a sexual abuser and in your exact situation. I know this for a fact because I have! Please don't assume I have no idea!!!!!

@PerciphonePuma I think you took that too personally. I didnt literally say you have no idea, you misunderstood. What I meant is no one knows what issues I'm going through alongside this and why it makes it difficult for me just to leave. I'm sure unfortunately many have had similar if not identical experiences to me. It was written all over that article pps linked for me to read. But my situation is individual and in all honestly there is a high probability I will end up having to live with him (not be with him)

Why do you believe you'll have to live with him?

How can you possibly contemplate taking your baby back to live with someone who is a danger to her?

If it's a matter of not being able to stay where you are, have you contacted the council?

You’re risking social service involvement staying in the house with an abuser who’s rough with babies.

If a parent can’t prioritise a baby’s welfare they will step in eventually. Kids get bigger & more challenging & he’s not going to cope with it by the sounds of it.

Op, how are you today?

I have been in a situation which has many parallels to yours.

You can do this, even if it seems impossible. Baby steps, have faith in yourself. I am 6 years on and genuinely free and happy.

Please report him, though. I wish the women that knew my ex before me had reported him.

That’s what happens when women tell violent men they want to leave.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4273469-Greek-man-confesses-to-killing-his-wife

Apparently Caroline was due to check into a hotel that night.

How exactly does that help the OP? More likely to put the fear of God in her.

OP, I hope you are OK. Please keep posting. I can't imagine the turmoil you are feeling. You are vulnerable and hurting. I hope you are getting lots of love and hugs from your family.

We're still here to listen and not judge anything you say or decide to do.

dexters the OP’s partner already “punished” her horribly for saying she was leaving but then she tried to rationalise it and give him benefit of the doubt that maybe, when sleeping (!), she enticed him/ give him a mixed signal.
I’m not sure what more can make her realise in how precarious position she is in.

OP hope you are OK xx

Hoping you both are ok too.

Please come back and update us OP. Hoping that you and your baby are safe. X

Sorry for the long pause things have been very stressful here where I am and I've been trying to just take it one day at a time and get myself together. I phone a refuge but dont think I'll be going there. I dont think its appropriate housing for me. When I spoke to the lady on the phone she was "assessing" me and asking questions. When I told her what happened she paused and then asked me if he had been physically abusive. I said no. She said did I feel he has been emotionally abusive as in calling me names threatening me, I said no again. Then she asked if this was the only time he has done something like that, as in to imply it was maybe a one off because that's where it felt she was taking that, and I said something similar but not as extreme has happened once before. Then she went silent and said she would need to pass this info on and to await a call from her colleague which I'm doing now. But in all honesty i didnt get the impression she was taking me seriously and the more I spoke to her the more silly I felt for calling. As she said the facilities and vaccines are for women in immediate danger and although what my partner done was horrific I am not. I feel wrong taking up a space when there maybe a woman out there nearly beaten to death that needs it more. I'm debating whether to even bother picking up when they call back. I think I need to look at a different approach to my situation

But he was physically abusive. Why did you say no? It could be that you are not ready to make this change in your life which is why you are hesitating about the refuge. But please don’t minimise what he did - it was abuse

Before you were pregnant last year he had sex with you when you weren't up for it. It was rough and you sat in the shower crying.

Earlier this month you woke up to him having sex with you. You were sore, like a carpet burn.

Sweetheart, that IS physical abuse. It's rape.

Please, for your safety and your baby's, when they call you back tell them he raped you and it's not the first time.

Dont minimise it just because you've become used to it.

We're all here for you. Keep posting.

@PinotPony

Before you were pregnant last year he had sex with you when you weren't up for it. It was rough and you sat in the shower crying.

Earlier this month you woke up to him having sex with you. You were sore, like a carpet burn.

Sweetheart, that IS physical abuse. It's rape.

Please, for your safety and your baby's, when they call you back tell them he raped you and it's not the first time.

Dont minimise it just because you've become used to it.

We're all here for you. Keep posting.

This.

You poor woman, but he definitely has been abusive.

He is also rough with your baby.

Refuge's are for women exactly like you.

I am not undermining or minimising anything l. If anything everyone around me has been doing that including the lady who assessed me on the phone. We she said physical abuse she said to me as in has he hit me ect that is why I said no. As I said I dont feel right taking up a place for someone that has been beaten to a pulp and needs it.

He raped you. Did you not tell her this? Rape IS physical abuse. Why did you say no when she asked if he's been physical?

I think you're forgetting that it's been PROVEN the world over, in billions & billions of situations just like this, that these situations ALWAYS escalate. Do you really want to end up being one of those poor women who are beaten to a pulp - and please don't say you know he would never do that as I would've bet everything I owned that my ex wouldn't have done it. He was meek & mild. Sweet. Very quiet & smiley. Had a slight twitch and adored animals & gardening! Everyone thought he was adorable.....! I would've put him at the very very bottom of a list of people on the planet who were likely to turn violent - I'd have put Boris Johnson higher up on that list than my ex!!!!

Then after 2 years together, whilst I was heavily pregnant, it began. Each situation being only a hair worse than the last time.
Eventually I was scared for my life.

(His Mum was even so gobsmacked by his change in personality that she had a nervous breakdown and still doesn't speak to him).

So yeah, my long-winded point, is that you can NEVER EVER say that ANYONE wouldn't suddenly snap and become violent. I'm not saying be suspicious of every man or that anyone is capable of it - just don't ever believe that they're NOT capable.

PLEASE put your baby first and at least try out the Refuge. I've lived in one and it was actually fab! They even have a playroom and have a children's play worker who comes in to do arts & crafts with the kids (I know yours is too young yet, but I'm just describing the type of places they are), you usually get a self contained flat with a garden and all bills are included. Staff in the building during business hours. Anything at all that you don't have - from toothpaste to clothing, to nappies or a phone charger etc or even food - they will supply it all. They really are amazing

Please, please be honest, tell the refuge you have been physically assaulted and raped, because it is true!
Please.

I did tell them. I told them my partner had sex with me without consent. Then all those questions followed and she asked me if it was a one off. She was trying to stress to me women only get a place that "really need it" so it was like she was trying to probe for me that wasnt there. I've ignored the call back and I wont be going down that route. It feels so wrong. If I need to speak to my local council about housing then that's what I'll have to di

@Whereswally2

I did tell them. I told them my partner had sex with me without consent. Then all those questions followed and she asked me if it was a one off. She was trying to stress to me women only get a place that "really need it" so it was like she was trying to probe for me that wasnt there. I've ignored the call back and I wont be going down that route. It feels so wrong. If I need to speak to my local council about housing then that's what I'll have to di

Well unless you are able to sort your own housing, you will have to speak to/contact your council, which really you should do anyway, as there is a duty to help you with housing under the circumstances you are in. You will have to make an application based on that you are homeless because of Domestic Violence, you can not stay in your home under these circumstances.

OP, I know what you mean when you say you don't think you "need it" as much as others might.

That could be wishful thinking on your part though. It's like when people don't go to the doctor because they tell themselves they are OK and don't want to bother the doctor, but actually they have some awful illness.

You need to be safe, as does your baby. It's hard to admit. It's embarrassing to say you can't cope and need help, so you try to convince yourself it is not that bad.

Please overcome this feelings. So many people here are telling you that you deserve safety. You really do. All the red flags are there for something even more nasty to happen if you don't leave.

Take care.