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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/06/2021 19:53

You think it’a cruel to part them, OP? Your baby and him? Why do you think it’s just you he loses his patience with, why don’t you think he might shout at your baby when he looses control, or shake them, etc. It’s easy to be nice to a baby that undoubtedly you’ve been mostly caring for, what happens when the child is older and tells him”no”?

They should be kept apart.

alexdgr8 · 12/06/2021 19:55

you're saying he's a good father, wouldn't hurt the child etc.
do you think subjecting a small child to shouting is good for them.
no wonder she's not been sleeping well.
you are still enmeshed.
you have been programmed.
it will take a while to unpick all that.
if you don't report his assault to someone, doctor, hosp, police, women's aid, s.a.r.c. , then later on no one will believe you.
they will think you are making it up, as an embittered ex, in custody battle.
you need to think about all this.
10 miles isn't all that far.
can't your family member drive you, or pay for cab.

Mischance · 12/06/2021 20:12

I am glad that you are with your family. Truly you deserve better than this man. And so does your child.

HappyDays40 · 12/06/2021 20:12

That is sexual abuse OP and not something you should tolerate. Its a no from me.

dapsnotplimsolls · 12/06/2021 20:42

He CAN help himself. Please keep telling yourself that.

AutistGoth · 12/06/2021 20:47

It might be worth calling NHS direct on 111 and explaining about the non-consensual, unprotected sex last night. They will be able to point you in the direction of a sexual health team or somewhere.

You've left him. That alone is a huge achievement. Flowers

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 12/06/2021 20:59

@DrinkFeckArseGirls it's funny you should mention that because another thing is when he is tired not only does he shout at me whether baby is there or not he is also very heavy handed with dc and I dont like it one bit. I've called him out on it plenty of times but he says he is half asleep and again cant control how he reacts and it's out if exhaustion. I get when you are beyond tired it is torture and your fuse is slim to none but when I see him get aggravated at dc it breaks my heart for them and I have to remind him the baby doesnt know what they are doing and not to take it out on them

OP posts:
twinklystar23 · 12/06/2021 21:02

Consider getting a pregnancy test. As you've just had a baby you will be very fertile.
I appreciate that other posters are expressing outrage on your behalf saying to contact the police but you need to do this if you want to, it's most important that you feel in control of this situation. Having had your personal autonomy violated. just important to make sure as I said earlier to secure the evidence, get the pants you were wearing in a plastic bag, and other bedsheets etc. Keep this thread, as if you decide to go ahead and report it will be supportive evidence.
Glad your away from him. Just put you and your baby first xx

AutistGoth · 12/06/2021 21:10

Echoing everything that @twinklystar23 says.

stackemhigh · 12/06/2021 21:30

You’re right OP, he’s not upset at what he’s done to you. He’s upset that you are no longer available to hurt and rape.

Did you call the police?

Zzelda · 13/06/2021 00:13

@twinklystar23

Consider getting a pregnancy test. As you've just had a baby you will be very fertile. I appreciate that other posters are expressing outrage on your behalf saying to contact the police but you need to do this if you want to, it's most important that you feel in control of this situation. Having had your personal autonomy violated. just important to make sure as I said earlier to secure the evidence, get the pants you were wearing in a plastic bag, and other bedsheets etc. Keep this thread, as if you decide to go ahead and report it will be supportive evidence. Glad your away from him. Just put you and your baby first xx
It would make more sense to take the morning after pill.
Zzelda · 13/06/2021 00:16

I've called him out on it plenty of times but he says he is half asleep and again cant control how he reacts and it's out if exhaustion

This whole narrative of being unable to stop himself hurting you and the baby is utter rubbish. As I'm sure all the parents reading this will attest, we all know how utterly exhausting having a baby can be, as I'm sure do you, OP. Yet we manage not to treat our babies badly or to rape our partners. Stop worrying about your baby missing out on her father's care, it sounds like she's way better off without him.

Aria999 · 13/06/2021 01:37

Yeah the not being able to control himself line is bullshit. And a hideous cliche. Don't buy it.

ThisMammaCat · 13/06/2021 01:48

OP stop overthinking the consequences he might rightly face.

Your DAUGHTER is in danger. Get the police involved for goodness sake! Do you want him to get rights to have her overnight? What if he rapes her too? You think he wouldn't? Stop being too nice. Sorry if I sound harsh but holy moly.....do the right thing and stop worrying about him getting what he deserves! I know it's scary but could you live with yourself if he hurts her too?

Please call the police. Ask for a female officer, and tell her what happened. I get why everyone is being very gentle with you but I'm near triggered just thinking about your lil girl and the potential danger she is in. Sometimes we have to fight monsters so that our children don't have to.

Please don't let that silly volunteer put you off, I highly doubt she has any legal qualifications (or she'd have said so).

Call. The. Police. You can do this! You are stronger than you think! Trust me on that Flowers

AmberIsACertainty · 13/06/2021 02:12

Yeh here's the thing you need to realise OP: babies can and do get raped too. And it doesn't take much to kill one by rough handling either. Try not to feel sad for splitting then up, you're protecting your DC from someone who can (and probably would) harm them.

I'm not surprised you're exhausted. You've been through, and are still going through, a lot.

Rmka · 13/06/2021 02:35

[quote Whereswally2]@DrinkFeckArseGirls it's funny you should mention that because another thing is when he is tired not only does he shout at me whether baby is there or not he is also very heavy handed with dc and I dont like it one bit. I've called him out on it plenty of times but he says he is half asleep and again cant control how he reacts and it's out if exhaustion. I get when you are beyond tired it is torture and your fuse is slim to none but when I see him get aggravated at dc it breaks my heart for them and I have to remind him the baby doesnt know what they are doing and not to take it out on them[/quote]
OP, please save this update somewhere and read it anytime you have doubts about this. Are you really worried this man will be denied seeing your daughter? I'm worried he'll be allowed to ever see her alone. He's dangerous. Please report him to the police for your daughter and describe how he treats both of you.

You're stronger than you think, you can do this Flowers

legoagogogo · 13/06/2021 07:36

I need to step in regarding some of the medical, policing and forensic advice you are being given here. I'm also very sorry you have been given duff advice from a rape helpline and I'll address that as well.

  1. You have up to 5 days to take emergency contraception however the sooner the better. You can get this from a SARC, sexual health clinic or GP free. You can get if from a pharmacy but you need to pay and it can be expensive.
  2. You have up to 7 days for a forensic examination but again the sooner the better. This can be done by informing the police who will take you there and back or via the SARC direct as a self referral where you will need to drive or get a friend or family member to take you. Either option does not oblige you to support a prosecution. You can't get that examination from a GP or walk in centre or A&E and there's a good chance any of those settings will ring the police without your consent.
Keeping bed sheets is not something for you to worry about as his DNA is already all over them and any sperm on them is easily explained as it's his bed. The rape helpline lady was wrong in her advice about emergency contraception. However she was kind of right about his word against yours. If he is questioned and says it was consensual the forensic swabs are irrelevant. Your account could've enough to support a prosecution but that's up to the CPS not the police.However, reporting can help you in terms of safeguarding your child. It is documented what happened, why you left and your concerns about his suitability to be alone with your child. This will also give you access to legal aid due to the abuse. However, only you know what's right for you and how you can keep safe. You've left which is fantastic, staying left will be hard but the right thing to do ultimately. Your next task is ensuring your child remains safe from him and without the relevant professionals involved that will be harder. You need support for yourself too and the SARC can help with that regardless of an examination. They can refer to counselling and to an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor who can assist in many different ways.
Zzelda · 13/06/2021 09:23

However she was kind of right about his word against yours. If he is questioned and says it was consensual the forensic swabs are irrelevant.

If there are signs of injury on examination, would that help? OP did say she was in pain. That would of course point to going for an examination ASAP.

legoagogogo · 13/06/2021 09:43

@Zzelda

However she was kind of right about his word against yours. If he is questioned and says it was consensual the forensic swabs are irrelevant.

If there are signs of injury on examination, would that help? OP did say she was in pain. That would of course point to going for an examination ASAP.

As I mentioned earlier signs of genital injury can only be interpreted cautiously. Many women can be sore, have small abrasions or minor tears after consensual sex. However, it is a piece of the jigsaw but it would not stand alone as 'evidence' of rape
TheGrandHighWitch · 13/06/2021 11:14

OP lets say for the moment that you're right and that he 'can't help himself', surely the best thing to do is to report him so that he can get the help he clearly needs in order to not be a threat to anybody else.

However, I think you recognise that he can help himself. He's managed to not rape you in his (and your) sleep before. He has presumably never woken to find himself raping his sleeping mother when he lived at home. He manages to get through the days not physically or sexually assaulting strangers/people he works with/friends, regardless of how tired or angry or "extra on heat" he is. And if he can behave like a civilised human being with them, why are you and your DC not worthy of the same respect?

TLDR: If he can't help himself then he is a threat to others. If he can help himself, then he is choosing to be a threat to you/DC.

It's one or the other.

legoagogogo · 13/06/2021 11:38

@TheGrandHighWitch

OP lets say for the moment that you're right and that he 'can't help himself', surely the best thing to do is to report him so that he can get the help he clearly needs in order to not be a threat to anybody else.

However, I think you recognise that he can help himself. He's managed to not rape you in his (and your) sleep before. He has presumably never woken to find himself raping his sleeping mother when he lived at home. He manages to get through the days not physically or sexually assaulting strangers/people he works with/friends, regardless of how tired or angry or "extra on heat" he is. And if he can behave like a civilised human being with them, why are you and your DC not worthy of the same respect?

TLDR: If he can't help himself then he is a threat to others. If he can help himself, then he is choosing to be a threat to you/DC.

It's one or the other.

Spot on!
ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 13/06/2021 11:52

"TLDR: If he can't help himself then he is a threat to others. If he can help himself, then he is choosing to be a threat to you/DC.

It's one or the other."

Extremely well put.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 13/06/2021 12:32

Well done for leaving OP! We all know how much courage that took, regardless of the fact that he raped you, and not for the first time.

However PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, report this to the police!

As everyone else has said, you are going to need evidence of his behaviour in order to protect yourself and even more importantly your child, in the future, so please don't delay.

Your next trial is going to be to stop yourself from going back to him when he comes pleading about how sorry he is, how 'it's never going to happen again', and this one is highly likely 'I'll get help!' If he says this, tell him to go and get it then, but whatever you do please DON'T believe him and go back home, because if you do, he's then got you back where he wants you, and believe me, he WILL NOT go and get that help that he's so glibly promised!

So, if you haven't already, phone the police and ask to speak to a female officer, NOW!!

AutistGoth · 13/06/2021 13:17

How are you and your DBaby today, @Whereswally2? If you don't mind my asking.

I must admit, I felt a lot easier last night, knowing that you were on your family home and not with your abuser. Ever since reading this thread I've been thinking/worrying about you. Hope you and the DBaby are safe today.

LadyLolaRuben · 13/06/2021 13:36

Well done for getting away OP. You absolutely did the right thing. Please please tell the police. Stop worrying about the consequences he may face, thats not your concern. Let those in jobs that see this every day (sadly) determine what should happen. Let others take over the problem (who are professionals) and bring it to a conclusion so you can move forward in life with your baby in peace xx