Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

@Whereswally2

I have spoke to my family and will be leaving as soon as baby wakes. In terms of telling the police yes I know that's the right thing to do but I really just need to get my head around things first. I cant think clearly I am exhausted and can not sleep now. My partner isnt a bad man. Sounds silly I know but he genuinely is a good dad. He just isnt nice to me.

So sorry this happened to you OP but your partner is not a good man but a rapist. He has probably done this before and no one reported him. He will continue to do this to other women unless someone reports him.

@Smallredclip

Corianderbee have you read the thread?

Clearly not, apologies. Ignore me.

If he says he will never do it again, it is clear that he is totally in control of what he does and making conscious choices. If he was in some sort of zombie state and had no control, he couldn't make a statement like that.

He knows. He chooses. He controls.

How are you OP?

Hi everyone I've been finding looking after my baby entirely alone pretty intense along with the no sleep. I feel like I'm living out a bad movie at the moment and just really empty and sad. So so sad. I'm not back with him to the poster that asked that think there must be a confusion somewhere down the line. I have thought about trying to get some documented evidence of him admitting wrong. Just he decides to backtrack or "forget" when it suits him. He wants us back. He thinks it's best we are together as parents. Obviously I know this isnt always true coming from the type of household I do, a happy parent and healthy environment is what's most important for child and if that isnt together than so be it. He is convinced this time it will all change (havent I heard that one before). I'm just overwhelmed and stressed with all the life changing decisions I have to make. And of this has meant I havent really had time to consider how I've felt about everything. If there is one thing to learn you never really truly know someone. Even when you think you do

Op please report to the police. I've been raised several times by various men and. Only thing that ever bright me any Raj chance at peace and moving on was reporting over of them to the police. He was the dad of my two kids. My baby sitter told me he had raped her. So I cashed up and reported him myself. Knowing I was believed, knowing he was investigated And I was still believed was very powerful. They didn't have enough evidence to prosecute him for abusing me but he was sent to prison for raping the baby sitter. The police know he raped me. I know he raped. And he knows it too. Then I got counselling and moved forward. I have an amazing life 20 years on. If it have started with him And not what he did to the baby sitter, I'd probably be dead.

And you say your ex can't help himself. He just feels entitled. He gets right with your kid. It only takes a baby being shaken ONCE. It only takes one step into inappropriate behaviour. After all, by your own, and his own admissions- he just can't help himself. Be the protector your child needs. Report him and protect your baby.

Please OP report this awful man.

He knows well he is a rapist.

Even if you don't take it any further, please make a police report.

Stay strong to protect your child by not going back to that horrible man.

I think I might have missed something. Is he saying he "won't do it again"? Well he did already rape you once before, so this time is 'again'. So that argument of his is clearly bullshit.

And earlier what I said about the baby being in the room. Not sure I made myself clear. It could harm your baby to b around that situation. But that wasn't my point in itself. My point was it's bad he raped you, but to do it with baby in the room means he's happy to harm baby too with psychological damage. He doesn't care about harming her. That's what his actions showed.

OP do you know you can email the police? If that makes it easier.

If he was forcing himself into your vagina we would be calling this rape.

Tbh I really dont feel it's any different just because it's a different body part he is violating.

I'd honestly call the police. Of course yanbu. Please don't bring up your baby with this horrible person.

@Whereswally2
You've done the right thing, my lovely. It's not just you that you have to think about but your child. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is how men treat women? Because it's really, really not.
Be kind to yourself. There's a lot going on for you, and it will just be a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions for quite a while. But these will never die down whilst you're still in the situation, you need to remove yourself which you have done. And that is THE bravest thing to do.
He will never change.
And I echo PP, report to the police. At the very very least, it may be a small part of a much larger growing picture. I know how difficult this can be, and how daunting it may seem, how final almost, but only you can make that decision. Do what is comfortable for you. His behaviour is not acceptable.
I wish you and your child much love and happiness. And peace.

@IdblowJonSnow

If he was forcing himself into your vagina we would be calling this rape.

Tbh I really dont feel it's any different just because it's a different body part he is violating.

I'd honestly call the police. Of course yanbu. Please don't bring up your baby with this horrible person.

Later in the discussion the op stated he has raped her twice, once when their baby was conceived. It's a lot worse than the initial questions she asked about I'm afraid.

Plus he's rough with their baby.

And still she is talking with him and allowing him to fill her with his manipulation about being together and it never happening again etc.

OP try to think what you would say if your best friend was being treated this way, as your own boundaries appear to be way too soft

I've been having doubts recently and I'm wondering if I blew up the whole thing in my head. Yes the timing of him initiating it was awful as we wasnt on good terms but technically I didnt say "no" or push him off. He also said I pushed up against him whether or not that's true I dont know I was in the deepest sleep and when I did kind of come to I remember moving him away with my hands down there as I was annoyed that the was trying to wake me. I dont know my head is a mess

OP without sounding harsh you need to get out of this fog. If you were in the deepest of sleeps how could you possibly give consent?

That is rape. You seem to come across in thinking that it can’t possibly be that because you are a couple but it is.

Have you spoken to anybody official for support yet? I think you need to to help you acknowledge what has happened

@Womencanlift no not really. I dont want to speak to the sarc centre where I'm unsure that it is actually rape and not a misunderstanding. Yes like I said I can acknowledge he should of never tried in the first place but I never said no and he wasnt aggressive. I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing. Because once I do there is no going back. I think his downfall is he does things and does not consider me before himself which leads to these type of things happening.

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape

You poor woman.

You are clearly trying to talk yourself round.

You know well what he did.

You know well.

He's also rough with your poor child.

OP, none of us can stop you returning to live with a rapist.

That is your decision.

I hope you won't, because he truly only cares about himself his needs.

His talk of being in heat is probably one of the most disgusting things I've read on MN, and that is saying something.

He is a dangerous man.

The thought that this animal works with vulnerable people makes me think you have no idea what he is capable of.

God help you if you return yourself and your child to that environment.

Don't lie to yourself about what happened.

Whatever your decision, don't lie to yourself at least.

You’ve offset your sexual assault against your ideal of a nuclear family.

How rough does he have to be with your baby? Do you have a waving line there too?

[quote Whereswally2]@Womencanlift no not really. I dont want to speak to the sarc centre where I'm unsure that it is actually rape and not a misunderstanding. Yes like I said I can acknowledge he should of never tried in the first place but I never said no and he wasnt aggressive. I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing. Because once I do there is no going back. I think his downfall is he does things and does not consider me before himself which leads to these type of things happening.

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape[/quote]
If someone came to you and started talking like this after she'd been raped how would you respond? Would you be extremely frustrated that she couldn't see what was right in front of her nose or would you tell her she obviously misunderstood, it wasn't a malicious act and she should go back to her rapist and live happily ever after?
He raped you in your sleep, he will do it again if you dare to question him, get your head around that fact and stop listening to his bullshit.

OP we all took your description of events as you described.

Almost unanimously, we all told you it was non-consentual. We all told you it is rape.
It is rape even if you didn't specifically say no.
It is rape even if you didn't struggle.
It is rape if he started while you were asleep.
It is rape even if you rubbed up against him in your sleep.
It is rape even if you were stark naked spreadeagled on the floor and he jumped on you.
Its is rape if you initially were ok with it but at any point during it, you wanted to stop.

You went into the bathroom to cry your eyes out. Your vagina was sore. Does that sound like you wanted it?

It. was . rape.

He did it to punish you for breaking up with him. He did it to shock you into bending to his will. And look - it worked! Here you are excusing him, and trying to find ways to justifiy what he did so you can keep what you think is a happy family together. Next you'll be apologising to him for him raping you.

You'll pay for this when he gets you home, when he thinks that you are cowed enough to not walk out again. You know that, don't you? When he thinks he's got you back, he's going to punish you for daring to leave - to ensure you 'll be too scared to try that again. Probably by forcing you to have sex again. And he'll make sure he hurts you again.

All his tears and pretending that he's so clueless he can't help all the shitty things he does will evaporate when you go back to the rapes, the shouting, the baby shaking which will escalate in severity because you'll have shown him that you will you tolerate it and excuse it.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope you and DD stay as safe as you can. But please save this thread for the future -there's lots of advice and links that may come in useful in an emergency. I suspect that you'll need them.

Even if you gave signs you wanted to (in your sleep) he knew you were asleep and therefore that he didn't have consent so yes, it would still be rape OP. What you're doing in trying to square it away in your mind as consensual is understandable and 'normal' for a rape victim but I can tell you from experience it won't work. If you go back and try to pretend what he did was ok it will still be there under the surface and it will slowly but surely destroy your MH because you know what he did and it was most definitely rape..

I know this is hard and it will take time to come to terms with what he did but please believe me when I say you can't hide from this, it's not something you can bury inside yourself and carry on as normal because it will eat you alive. He did this, none of it is your fault but you have to protect yourself, and your DD now. The bravest thing you could do right now is cut contact, stop letting him get inside your head and confuse you and take whatever steps you can manage towards reporting him, just going to a SARC and letting them record the evidence would be enough for now.

Taking time away from hearing his words and excuses and feelings is vital for you now though, you can't process your own feelings and thoughts while you're being bombarded with his so you have to stop talking/listening to him. Whatever you decide to do going forward it needs to be your own, clear headed decision and you can't have that while he's still in your ear. And please, please go to a SARC, having that evidence on record could prove so much more valuable than you realise later down the line.