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Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
Wrotten · 15/06/2021 12:04

Lack of "no" isn't important. Lack of "yes" is.

Did you say "yes" before he started touching you? No, you did not (because he purposely chose a time you were incapable of saying yes).

Would you have said "yes" if you'd been able to? No, you would not.

Also, if he was asleep, as he claims, how does he know you were moving your body into him?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/06/2021 12:04

Misunderstanding? Come on, OP. And you’re not the one ripping apart your family, he dis that already. I’d count my blessings you found out now so that you can protect tour DD immediately from him.

Chikapu · 15/06/2021 12:07

This reply has been deleted

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Ogwen · 15/06/2021 12:14

There was no misunderstanding OP. You had told him you were planning to leave and you were asleep. There is no planet on which he could reasonably have believed he had your consent, and the fact that he is trying to convince you of this is nothing more than gaslighting and emotional abuse.

Please give yourself some space from him so you can focus on your own feelings.

Aria999 · 15/06/2021 12:18

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape

If you had said or showed you wanted it in the moment and afterwards regretted it, then no it would not.

But that's not what happened.

SengaMac · 15/06/2021 12:27

SadSadSad

No-one here can stop you taking your baby back to someone who is 'heavy-handed' with them.

No-one here can stop you from exposing your child to the risk of being hurt, or worse.

Why would you choose to do that?

Why would you choose not to, at least, get advice before deciding whether to do that?

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/06/2021 12:29

All rapes are misunderstandings by that logic.

It’ll get worse if you go back, you’ll be punished for leaving.

Womencanlift · 15/06/2021 12:46

[quote Whereswally2]@Womencanlift no not really. I dont want to speak to the sarc centre where I'm unsure that it is actually rape and not a misunderstanding. Yes like I said I can acknowledge he should of never tried in the first place but I never said no and he wasnt aggressive. I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing. Because once I do there is no going back. I think his downfall is he does things and does not consider me before himself which leads to these type of things happening.

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape[/quote]
Oh my god OP yes of course it’s rape!!!

To answer some of your points:

  1. You were asleep… unless he is a mind reader and can speak to you subconsciously in your dreams you did not give consent - that is rape in the eyes of the law
  2. He tore his family apart and did that the first time he decided he wanted sex without asking - that was also rape
  3. He does not consider you so he decides he wants sex and just takes it - rape

For the sake of your DD absolutely do not go back. If in 20 years time she came to you and said her partner had sex with her in her sleep would you say “well there could have been a chance you asked for it while sleeping so he did nothing wrong”. No of course you wouldn’t or at least I hope to god no mum would ever say that

GoldenBlue · 15/06/2021 12:49

Please OP think about your baby

You said he was rough with your child

He rapes you and holds your head down trying to orally rape you

He sulks and tantrums when ever you try to set boundaries.

You give in and try to win him round from his tantrum so he eroded your boundaries even more

This msn is an abuser

Do not go back to him for your own safety.

But if you don't care enough about yourself then please don't go back to him for the sake of your child

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 12:55

[quote Whereswally2]@Womencanlift no not really. I dont want to speak to the sarc centre where I'm unsure that it is actually rape and not a misunderstanding. Yes like I said I can acknowledge he should of never tried in the first place but I never said no and he wasnt aggressive. I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing. Because once I do there is no going back. I think his downfall is he does things and does not consider me before himself which leads to these type of things happening.

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape[/quote]
Talking to the SARC, or the police, doesn't mean you have to label the behaviour. You can tell them what happened, they can label it or not as they see fit.

It's ok to tell them you're confused. It's ok to tell them you think you might have been raped but the other person said it's consensual.

Speaking to or visiting them also doesn't mean you can't choose to go back to him if you wanted to. They're not going to stop you living your life however you choose. They're there only to help and advise.

You were asleep so you couldn't say No and you couldn't say Yes either. But just because you didn't say No or fight him off doesn't make it ok.

If you'd been attacked down a dark alley by a stranger you might not have said No or fought him off either, plenty of people don't. They freeze up instead or they're too afraid of being hurt worse by fighting back so keep still.

A man doesn't get to have sex with someone just because they don't say No or fight back. He has to get a Yes and active encouragement.

If you're asleep, unconscious, totally wasted etc you can't consent. It's not possible. Therefore anyone having sex with you under those circumstances is rape.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 13:06

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape

And just to address this point. If you're fully conscious and definitely want to have sex and you start having sex but then changed your mind halfway through and the other person didn't stop, that's rape.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/06/2021 13:16

Also OP, is your qualifying criteria for a boyfriend 'he isn't a criminal'? You don't have to stay with him just because you might think this is true.

You can choose not to be with him for any number of reasons. Because he makes you unhappy, because he sulks, because he confuses you, because he's rough with DC, because you want to be living somewhere else, because you want some time to think alone without him contacting you, because you don't want to think about him and want to focus on DC.

Hell, it's perfectly acceptable to leave him for no reason other than because you don't like the colour of his shirts, OP.

Smallredclip · 15/06/2021 16:04

I just came along to post the same article. How very pertinent.

Adelais · 15/06/2021 17:18

He knew exactly what he was doing. I know it must be hard to accept the man you love could do that and I think that’s why you’re trying to minimise what he’s done. You need to get angry.
If you were to stay with him how could you ever feel safe again? He’s not going to stop any of his behaviours, it doesn’t sound like he thinks he’s done anything wrong.
He only feels sorry for himself and probably about you reporting the rape.
Stay strong op, you and your baby can build a new life safe from an abuser.

Womencanlift · 15/06/2021 18:29

OP please read that article and then phone and get some support. Surely the accounts in this article show you what he did to you is not normal

legoagogogo · 15/06/2021 18:47

[quote Whereswally2]@Womencanlift no not really. I dont want to speak to the sarc centre where I'm unsure that it is actually rape and not a misunderstanding. Yes like I said I can acknowledge he should of never tried in the first place but I never said no and he wasnt aggressive. I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing. Because once I do there is no going back. I think his downfall is he does things and does not consider me before himself which leads to these type of things happening.

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape[/quote]
SARC's are well used to people not being sure what happened, unable to label or articulate it, being confused, having mixed feelings, torn loyalties. They see people who aren't even sure if anything has happened at all through memory loss. They are exactly the place to work through feelings and support options.
This is not a misunderstanding. He has form for not respecting your bodily autonomy. Consent has to be enthusiastic and freely given. If you can't safely say no, yes has no meaning. You weren't even conscious so could not enthusiastically consent and had no option to say yes or no

Zzelda · 15/06/2021 19:12

[quote Whereswally2]@Womencanlift no not really. I dont want to speak to the sarc centre where I'm unsure that it is actually rape and not a misunderstanding. Yes like I said I can acknowledge he should of never tried in the first place but I never said no and he wasnt aggressive. I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing. Because once I do there is no going back. I think his downfall is he does things and does not consider me before himself which leads to these type of things happening.

What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape[/quote]
Of course it was rape. You were asleep, he knew full well that you weren't consenting.

Zzelda · 15/06/2021 19:19

I just want to be sure I'm not tearing our family apart over nothing

Remember, not only did he rape you more than once, he has been hurting your baby even though you call him out on it. And he claims that he can't control either behaviour, so they would certainly continue and escalate if you stayed with him.

So you are 100% NOT tearing the family apart over nothing. If anyone is tearing it apart, it is your partner.

PerciphonePuma · 15/06/2021 21:24

@Whereswally2 What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape*

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS RAPE!!!!!

PerciphonePuma · 15/06/2021 21:27

@Womencanlift

OP please read that article and then phone and get some support. Surely the accounts in this article show you what he did to you is not normal
She won't because she's gone back to him Confused
Original poster
Whereswally2 · 15/06/2021 22:15

@PerciphonePuma first of all I'd like to clarify I am not back with him. Im still at my family home and have been a single mum for the past 4 days. I know to you it must seem simple. So it's easy to judge from the outside looking in. Yes in an ideal world I guess I wouldn't have to even glance back his way. But it isnt quite like that. Things are more complicated and I dont have many options or time. I wont list the reasons and it's all very outing. But whatever I decide will not be easy or necessarily great either way

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 15/06/2021 23:34

Op if you were asleep you didnt give consent so its rape-do you understand you did not give consent

i dont know what these complicated situations are that youve jsut come up with but it doesnt matter he raped you twice already and will do it again-and you'll still be making excuses as to why its ok

GoldenBlue · 15/06/2021 23:34

I'm sorry it's so hard for you OP. I'm frightened for you and your baby. I genuinely believe you are both at risk under the same roof as him.

I hope there is some support for you, even if that means a refuge. It must be better than the fear that he hurts your baby. And you deserve a heck of a lot better than that b***d

Aria999 · 16/06/2021 00:41

[quote PerciphonePuma]@Whereswally2* What if I had wanted it in the moment but afterwards realised that I actually didnt? Would that still be considered rape

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS RAPE!!!!![/quote]
Hold on a moment!

Sure if the woman indicates verbally or otherwise at any point during the sex that she doesn't want it, and the man doesn't stop, that's rape.

But just regretting it isn't! He has to have some way of knowing (before or during) that consent has not been given.

Your reply makes it sound like the man is supposed to be a mind reader.

That's not the situation here anyway.