Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

Op you owe it to yourself and possible future victims to report this monster.

OP,
You told him that you were leaving the following morning and he viciously rapes you?

Please?

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

Absolutely malicious.

I mean ths kindly but it is absolutely ridiculous of you to think you saying you were leaving and him viciously raping you are not connected.

He is a very bad man.

I shudder to think what he is capable of.

His tears for himself are because he cares nothing for you or your baby.

Raping the mother of his child with the baby there.

Please go to the police.
Please do this for your daughter's future and yourself.
I appreciate you may just want to just let it go but your daughter needs you to protect you both.

He is a very bad man.

Of course it was malicious, I can't believe you're still making excuses for him.

@Chikapu that's not what I'm doing I just struggle to understand why he would do something that would mean us breaking up and breaking apart our family just to get back at me for going for a couple of days? I have left before and he has never done anything like this. The consequence of it doesnt weigh up

It’s the dreadful “cognitive dissonance” of it. How can a rational human being explode his life like this? And yet he has.

[quote Whereswally2]@Chikapu that's not what I'm doing I just struggle to understand why he would do something that would mean us breaking up and breaking apart our family just to get back at me for going for a couple of days? I have left before and he has never done anything like this. The consequence of it doesnt weigh up[/quote]
You were only leaving for a few days?!!!
If true then i'm sorry but it sounds like you are making excuses for him and want to give him another chance. I dont know how you could go back to him, you're putting yourself in a dangerous position, not to mention your dd. You should be doing everything in your power to protect your dd, she comes first....everytime.

It was definitely malicious. He didn’t have a long range plan, more how dare this woman lie next to me and sleep, thinking she gets to decide about our relationship, she gets to tell me how it will be. That body sleeping there belongs to me and it’s about time she realises it.

Please Report This - you can decide later about whether to press charges

Please, please, please just do that as protection for yourself and baby in the future.

100% what timeisnotaline said - he did it out of spite to punish you and put you in your place.

This sounds very serious. If this goes to police ... having this material on line could cause a lot of complexity. I'd been involved in a serious issue in the past, and one of the first things I was told was not to discuss in social media. I wish you all the best

[quote Whereswally2]@AmberIsACertainty yes baby sleeps in our room at the moment. I'm just thankful that dc is a baby and wont have any recollection of all of this.

I have a counsellor appointment this week as well. I want to get my mental state back on track to be happy again and the best mum possible for my baby.[/quote]
That's not how it works. Babies can be psychologically damaged by stuff they don't remember.

Rape is never "not malicious". Husbands haven't been entitled to their wife's bodies for many years. Partners never have been. His sense of entitlement is not a "misconception" or w misunderstanding or anything else. It's deliberate choice, it's wrong and it's a crime. His "need" to behave in that manner and rape you was because you stood up to him, challenged him, didn't do whatever he wanted (ie accept his shouting). It wasn't about you leaving it was about regaining power over you. Squashing you down and making you compliant again. He cried when you left because it didn't work.

Just my opinion by the way I'm not an expert

[quote Whereswally2]@Chikapu that's not what I'm doing I just struggle to understand why he would do something that would mean us breaking up and breaking apart our family just to get back at me for going for a couple of days? I have left before and he has never done anything like this. The consequence of it doesnt weigh up[/quote]
He misjudged your strength and sense of right and wrong. He didn't see you breaking up with him as a consequence of the rape. He saw you becoming afraid of him, appeasing him more than ever, scared to put a foot out of line. He was almost right about you tolerating it, I'd say, judging by he way you're trying to excuse him and minimize it all. Almost, but not quite, thank heavens. I'm glad you have a counsellor and can get some support there.

@Smallredclip I'm far more concerned about OPs cognitive dissonance, her thinking is so fucked up she can't see how wrong all this is and the reality of what he's done, who he is and the danger to her child and other people.

I'm just thankful that dc is a baby and wont have any recollection of all of this.

No, but being around trauma /violence even as infants can cause stress for babies. You see it yourself how much more relaxed she is when he's not there - she's fearful of him because he shouts and is scary and she can also feel your tension and distress when you are near him. Babies are very perceptive little things.

But she won't always be a baby. If you don't get this incident on record with the police, with social services, with SARC, and get him out of your life then there is every chance he'll rape you or attempt to rape you again when he's coming over to pick up his DD for visitation, maybe even right in front of her. And by that stage she WILL be older and be able to remember. So protect both of you from that kind of future by engaging with the professionals. Even if it doesn't result in a conviction, it WILL be on record and will help towards keeping you and DD safe down the line perhaps restricting him from contacting you.

Don't talk to him on the phone again. If he texts you he might confirm your version of events which would be useful for the police. A friend of mine was raped by her ex the night she broke up with him. There was some physical evidence, like in your case however what convicted him was that his texts admitting he raped her. He pleaded guilty as a result.

Please listen to Drinkingallthewine OP, reporting (or at least getting everything recorded/evidenced at a SARC) might feel like the nuclear option right now but it's the best way to protect you and DD, now and in the future. There is so much that could happen down the line, please don't leave yourself or DD vulnerable to further damage from him

Omg you've gone back to him????? 😧

[quote Whereswally2]@Chikapu that's not what I'm doing I just struggle to understand why he would do something that would mean us breaking up and breaking apart our family just to get back at me for going for a couple of days? I have left before and he has never done anything like this. The consequence of it doesnt weigh up[/quote]
You can analyse for years OP, but the fact is that he is a terrible man. He is a rapist, he is also manipulative and cruel. He doesn’t care about you as a person at all.
All the “on heat” comments are sickening to read. Stay away from him.

he told me the act wasnt malicious and I do believe this. I think it was more so that as my partner he felt entitled to my body which is clear by the fact that he didnt even think to consider what I wanted. A misconception that I know alot of women in real life have dealt with. Either way it doesnt make it any better. But before it happened I wasnt actually going to leave permanently so there would of been no need to react like that

Please don't be tricked into thinking he didn't know. All men know sex without consent in a marriage is rape. He is lying to you.

OP,
There is no misconception with men that they can rape a sleeping woman.

Please.

He knows well what he did.
He's crying for himself.

He is a rapist.

Misconception my arse.

[quote Whereswally2]@Chikapu that's not what I'm doing I just struggle to understand why he would do something that would mean us breaking up and breaking apart our family just to get back at me for going for a couple of days? I have left before and he has never done anything like this. The consequence of it doesnt weigh up[/quote]
It's because he can't handle the concept of you breaking away from his control and using his strength to rape you is the only way he can think of to put it right in his head.

I'm afraid he's done a real number of you in terms of getting him to buy into the picture of him being able to do whatever he wants because he's "on heat" (which doesn't exist for males or indeed for human beings), "can't stop himself", "can't prevent it because I'm so exhausted", "raping you wasn't malicious on my part", and all the rest of the rubbish. Think about it, if people couldn't prevent themselves from doing these things, why are they crimes? If he genuinely was that out of control he would have a serious mental health condition and would have to be sectioned for the protection of the public - but the reality is that he only does it to you and your baby because he's brainwashed you.

Please stop trying to understand him, just rejoice in the fact that now you are safe and start building a new life.

@Whereswally2 I hate to say this but you need to think of your daughter. How would you feel if he decided to rape her in years to come? Please don't think he wouldn't because trust me, he would. Men like him it is all about power. Its not about sex. If it was about sex he could go and get a prostitute. But that isn't what satisifies him. Its the power over a woman that he wants and what satisfies him. That could be your daughter. It could be some of the vulnerable people he works with. You need to report him and get him away from any situation where he could harm anyone else. Please please please report him. You and your daughter are not safe without you reporting him. He can never be trusted. I have been where you are now. It is difficult but I decided that I needed to report him because what if my daughter had been attacked by him and when she found out what he was like and that I knew about it but had failed to protect her she would lose both parents.

Interesting that he is now promising he won't do it again. I'm sure previously he just couldn't control himself or was asleep at the time and that was why it happened. If that was true how can he ever promise it won't happen again? Or it is not true and he was always in full control of his actions and chose to rape? You are doing really well OP. Keep taking it one step at a time!

... you tell him sharply that if he does that again you will consider it an assault. Then if he does and won't release you you punch him hard.

You are not consenting to this action. Stop laughing it off.

Corianderbee have you read the thread?

Stay strong op your doing so well you have been through a lot in a short time and I know it feels like your world has blown apart and it's natural to try and make sense of it or look for a reason but please don't be tempted to hear him out,itl only let him get in your head. There is no excuse or reason he's a rapist plain and simple and if he loses his job that's on him.not you. I hope your doing ok, xx