Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

@legoagogogo

I need to step in regarding some of the medical, policing and forensic advice you are being given here. I'm also very sorry you have been given duff advice from a rape helpline and I'll address that as well.

1. You have up to 5 days to take emergency contraception however the sooner the better. You can get this from a SARC, sexual health clinic or GP free. You can get if from a pharmacy but you need to pay and it can be expensive.
2. You have up to 7 days for a forensic examination but again the sooner the better. This can be done by informing the police who will take you there and back or via the SARC direct as a self referral where you will need to drive or get a friend or family member to take you. Either option does not oblige you to support a prosecution. You can't get that examination from a GP or walk in centre or A&E and there's a good chance any of those settings will ring the police without your consent.

Keeping bed sheets is not something for you to worry about as his DNA is already all over them and any sperm on them is easily explained as it's his bed. The rape helpline lady was wrong in her advice about emergency contraception. However she was kind of right about his word against yours. If he is questioned and says it was consensual the forensic swabs are irrelevant. Your account could've enough to support a prosecution but that's up to the CPS not the police.However, reporting can help you in terms of safeguarding your child. It is documented what happened, why you left and your concerns about his suitability to be alone with your child. This will also give you access to legal aid due to the abuse. However, only you know what's right for you and how you can keep safe. You've left which is fantastic, staying left will be hard but the right thing to do ultimately. Your next task is ensuring your child remains safe from him and without the relevant professionals involved that will be harder. You need support for yourself too and the SARC can help with that regardless of an examination. They can refer to counselling and to an Independent Sexual Violence Advisor who can assist in many different ways.

You will regret not reporting this to the police, I fear. You will want his abuse on record, later. When he gets nasty over custody. When he 'just can't control' his anger at your dc. Or at you. When he is manipulative and controlling - the courts will see who he is. Because you have evidence. You have a police report, filed at the time.

Please report this so that you have the choice, later, on whether to press charges.

Yes id agree with reporting that way you will get free legal adivce or go to sarc-if you dont it will literally be your word against his and he could easily get 50/50 custody you need a record of this

[quote timeisnotaline]@Redruby2020 perhaps that can wait, the op has enough on her immediate focus list. Let’s just encourage her to report the actual rape, not go on about his previous rapey behaviour right now.[/quote]
I hadn't actually read updates, so did not realise what has happened since reading op's original post. I don't know what else has happened since, but I hope op has reported him for what he done, I am so sad and angry, how can someone do this?!!

Hi everyone thanks for the check ups. Me and the baby are doing fine we actually had quite a nice day today all things considered. I dread to think what will happen when my dc grows up and asks about the day I left. I feel like things are only going to get harder from here on out especially if I do report it. I know it's stupid but I seriously seriously miss our family life. And the part of me wants to go back to him but then I realise it's not just me here it's my baby and I cant. I just cant do that to my baby. It's like my thoughts are a yo yo and I'm constantly and back and forth with myself. I know that If I was an outsider reading this on mns I would be highly irritated to read this but things arent that black and white when your a real life person with feelings and others feelings to consider. We've been a family all my babies life and it's such a shock to me how this all happened over night. I spoke to him and he still tried to undermine the situation so I mentioned the fact that people can go to the police over this and he started crying and saying I would ruin him. I had to stop and breath before calmly telling him that he was the one that ruined his life by doing what he done. He tried to tell me not to do it and I shut him down quickly as he is no position to tell me what to do or not to do. Then he tried to give me the "it wasnt me" line and that he promises he would never do it again. I told him not to promise something even he didnt know or could keep. Because he didnt think he would even do it a first time and yet here we are.

This thread has been such a encouraging source that I've needed right now I just want to thank everyone that's advised me and had me and my baby in their thoughts. If anything my baby has been alot happier today. I think being away from the tension has helped. You can only thrive in a healthy environment

The sarc centre will open tomorrow and I will give them a call. There is still lots I want to sort out in my mind and I'm still very exhausted. I wanted to be certain in my decision as to whether I want to press this further or not. I have the future of myself and my baby to consider. I need to know how things will turn out if I do go to the police for all of us involved. The one thing I dont want to do is regret not doing something about it down the line.

OP,
Thank god you left.
You are so brave.

He actually sounds like a wild animal.

Typical abusive street angel, home devil.

I would be genuinely very afraid for your child.

His street angel persona could well dictate that he tries for custody.

So reporting to the police is vital.
I know you are scared but it really is a step to protect your baby.

That he is so rough with the baby is terrifying.

He is an evil man.
Crying for himself.
Not for you or your child.
Crying for himself.

He is a shocking excuse of a man.

He works with vulnerable people.

Dear God it just gets worse.
God knows what he is capable of.

I think you will bitterly regret not reporting him.
Whether you press charges is another thing but reporting it is a crucial step for your future protection.

Thank you for the updates, OP. Good to hear that you and your DBaby had a nice day by comparison. I'm glad that your DD seems happier in a less tense environment.

The mourning of "we could have been a family" is perfectly normal and natural. Don't think any the less of yourself for it.

You have done the right thing. Absolutely.

@billy1966 it's the crying for himself that really gets to me. He wasnt crying because he hurt me or tore our family apart. All those tears were because he felt bad in himself. How self centred can one person get!

Another thing is that he has alot of money. Does this mean even if I report it and take it further in Hope's of protecting my child from 50/50 custody will he be able to take me to court and possibly win? Am I setting myself up for failure here? I have no job or money at the moment

@Whereswally2

The sarc centre will open tomorrow and I will give them a call. There is still lots I want to sort out in my mind and I'm still very exhausted. I wanted to be certain in my decision as to whether I want to press this further or not. I have the future of myself and my baby to consider. I need to know how things will turn out if I do go to the police for all of us involved. The one thing I dont want to do is regret not doing something about it down the line.

Sarc's are open 24/7. They likely won't see you overnight now but ring and get booked in. Mondays are busy with weekend incidents so don't delay in getting a slot if that's what you want

@Whereswally2

Another thing is that he has alot of money. Does this mean even if I report it and take it further in Hope's of protecting my child from 50/50 custody will he be able to take me to court and possibly win? Am I setting myself up for failure here? I have no job or money at the moment

Money doesn't top trump safeguarding. You are your baby's main carer and if you do report it will assist in showing he is not a good man or a good parent

And the part of me wants to go back to him but then I realise it's not just me here it's my baby and I can't

But it's not just your baby either, is it? This man is a rapist, and if he thought he'd got away with it he would do it again and again. You can't seriously contemplate going back to that, can you?

I think you will bitterly regret not reporting him.
Whether you press charges is another thing but reporting it is a crucial step for your future protection.

Please do report it. You can decide later if you want to press charges.

I have just read your posts OP so apologies if someone else has mentioned this. I don’t for a minute think this was all done while he was in some sort of sleep state. This was done as revenge for you saying you were leaving and therefore completely intentional.

Rape is not about sex it’s about power and he wanted to show you who has the power

Don’t think too much about the future just now just focus on staying safe, reporting him and looking after your baby. Discussions about money and custody are for the future, not now

OP I don't think you've actually told us how old your baby is, but the fact you refer to her as a baby rather than a toddler, would, to me, indicate a babe in arms, and if that's the case, please don't convince yourself that she is missing her father, all she needs if she's as young as I feel she might be, is her Mum. You can still be a nice little family with it being just the two of you, and please don't worry about money, as once you've reported this, and talked to people who deal with this sort of thing on a regular basis, I feel sure that they will be able to guide you in what you need to do to get the necessary financial support, etc. Just a thought, you say that your Mum is also coming out of an abusive relationship, maybe, you and your baby could get a place together with your Mum, which might work out well with finances, and also perhaps give you the opportunity to work if you want to, but whatever you do, PLEASE don't go back to him, because you're afraid of not being able to survive financially. Your safety and that of your baby, is THE most important thing!

Please keep us posted about what happens next, not because we're nosy, but I feel sure that like me, lots of other posters will be worrying about you, and would like to hear that you're not foolish enough to go back to this awful man. Good luck!

@Whereswally2

Another thing is that he has alot of money. Does this mean even if I report it and take it further in Hope's of protecting my child from 50/50 custody will he be able to take me to court and possibly win? Am I setting myself up for failure here? I have no job or money at the moment

Money means he can afford to take you to court for access to his daughter if he wishes. You not reporting this to the police means he has more chance of getting access granted.

Am I correct in thinking he raped you with baby in the same room? This is even more serious, because if she was awake and aware of this happening then that's emotionally damaging for her. He is not a good father.

don't know what kind of vulnerable people he works with, but how do you know that he isn't heavy-handed with them.

Please go to the police. His behaviour is typical for abusers. A person like this should not be working with vulnerable people or be left alone with your baby. Write a journal of any other abusive behaviour and gas lighting to help you in the future for any court dates. Go online and make a claim for universal credit. Thinking of you 💐The steps you have taken so far show bravery 💐

I’m glad you are your dc are ok and still safe.

He is feeling sorry for himself and worried about what could happen to him. He doesn’t sound worried about you or trying to make your life easier.

If you are concerned about him using his money to fight for custody or to make malicious lawsuits then I really think that makes the decision to go to the police a lot easier.

There is a website called money saving expert that also has really great forums and there will be people who will have experience of being in your financial situation and be able to offer advice. I think a starting point is often a visit to entitledto.co.uk

You need to put your child first and not him, he doesn’t seem to understand what he has done is wrong or care about the damage he has done to you and unfortunately I would not trust him to do it again if you go back,

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard I was actually thinking about this today after seeing how happy dc was. They dont really miss/need their dads at this age. I'm sure all that will come later in age when they start asking questions about where daddy is which is going to be a whole issue in itself. DC is just short of half a year old.

@Womencanlift he told me the act wasnt malicious and I do believe this. I think it was more so that as my partner he felt entitled to my body which is clear by the fact that he didnt even think to consider what I wanted. A misconception that I know alot of women in real life have dealt with. Either way it doesnt make it any better. But before it happened I wasnt actually going to leave permanently so there would of been no need to react like that

I knew a man who was "heavy-handed" with his baby. The baby didn't survive.

@AmberIsACertainty yes baby sleeps in our room at the moment. I'm just thankful that dc is a baby and wont have any recollection of all of this.

I have a counsellor appointment this week as well. I want to get my mental state back on track to be happy again and the best mum possible for my baby.

he told me the act wasnt malicious and I do believe this. I think it was more so that as my partner he felt entitled to my body which is clear by the fact that he didnt even think to consider what I wanted.

That's about as malicious as it gets.