Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

My DP physically forcing any bit of me to do anything would result in me physically forcing him out the door.

So obviously YANBU. This is abusive and it is definitely worth the argument.

Er yes it’s very definitely worth making a fuss about. It’s horrible behaviour.

If you are his first gf I would guess his main experience of sex probably is from watching porn , so you may have to re educate him on what women like in real life as opposed to in porn.

Hopefully he is fundamentally a nice guy just inexperienced and will be open to learning what you do like (may need some quite specific instructions ). If he’s not, he’s not a keeper.

Yes, it's absolutely worth getting into an argument about, because it's horrible and aggressive. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and saying he's inexperienced and clumsy and has learnt too much from porn (as opposed to a sexually aggressive arsehole for fun), you need to be VERY clear that what he is doing is awful. That you're not a performing monkey and that you need him to understand that you also get to decide when you have sex and get something from it - what would he do if you pushed his head down!?

It sounds like you're both not communicating well about sex, but being selfish and aggressive and lazy in bed is grim and you deserve a lot better and it is absolutely worth having ONE big, important conversation with him.

Ask him:

• Whether he'd like his head pushed down like a fucking sex toy
• Whether he'd feel like having sex ever if he didn't come at all and you didn't even try and get him there - and if not, why should you
• Whether he will commit to actually listening to what you wamt during sex and to improving your sex life

If he isn't filled with shame and remorse for at best having unsatisfying and selfish sex and at worst, treating the mother of his child like a sex toy to be used, then I'd walk away. A relationship should be about respect and love and mutual enjoyment of each other, and he isn't showing you that.

It’s not remotely ok for him to do this and you should make it clear that you don’t like it

I hope he’s more considerate in other areas of your life although I doubt it

Obviously, this isn’t acceptable Op. So yes, you definitely need to discuss it with him. Forcing your head like that is awful.
But this bit of your post stood out to me:

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

Are you saying he’s argumentative generally?

Very definitely not ok! He is entirely responsible for his behaviour no matter how ‘extra on heat’ he might feel. He’s not a dog. You are not an object. You have made it obvious you dislike certain acts. Physically forcing you to do something is assault.

Bite down op... He won't do it again.

Bite him.
I'm not even joking.

@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me

He'd get one warning from me and if it happened again, I absolutely would bite.

What a vile man, why are you with him?

So have you tried to discuss this before, or is that how he reacts when you bring anything up?
Either way it’s not constructive or helpful.

Yeah he’d be (metaphorically) bundled out the door.

If my partner forced my head towards his penis, I would bite him. 😤 then I'd tell him to get the fuck out. That is 100% unacceptable

Another poor young woman who's had nothing but shut sex due to so many men being weaned on fucking porn! No, this is not okay. Not at all. Yes, it's worth making a fuss about. I'd rather have no sex at all, ever, than sex with a selfish git who thinks sex resembles porn. What he's doing to you is technically a crime.

You've just had a baby! THIS IS ABUSE.

Statistics do say partners can become more abusive during pregnancy and after birth.. No idea why.

I've just had a baby and if my DP did this he'd have his bags packed.

My husband will often grab me/push me down on the bed etc as a joke but he knows I don't mind. Sometimes he will push my head (very lightly) too and I occasionally do it to him if we are talking/joking about sex. But as I said we are both OK with it. If I told him to stop, he would (and vice versa)and he is also very much not selfish in bed.

You NEED to tell him you don't like it and that it needs to stop. Why would it even end up in an argument? I like what @therocinante said.

Doesn't sound fit to be a good father @Whereswally2

It's basically oral rape as if you had wanted to stop I bet he wouldn't have let you. And you would find it hard to get your head away. Making it oral rape.

If he stopped when asked then that's fine but not stopping means it's rape.

Sorry I missed the fact that you have a baby.

This is absolutely unacceptable, as you know.

As you are his first girlfriend, and if you want to stay with him (I wouldn’t - it’s not likely to get better) you will have to educate him real quick. Tell him once, very firmly, that you are not a sex appliance, that women are not live porn machines, and that he is not to treat you that way.

If he turns it into an argument/massive pity party, or in any way ramps up his behaviour then I’d be taking the baby and getting yourself into a better situation. Is that an option for you?

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me[/quote]
I worry that with his woe is me etc. he is 'training you' to do what he wants and it is working. You end up coaxing and trying to make him happy.

If the issues you raise are genuine and you raise them in an adult way then you have nothing to be sorry about and therefore should not be coaxing etc.

He is working on undermining your boundaries.

Have the conversation now before it goes any further and he doesn't let go next time, forcing you to do something you don't want to do.

With regards to sexual enjoyment, it's not on that he doesn't take the time to help you enjoy yourself. That sounds very selfish

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me[/quote]
I'd end a relationship over this.

@VettiyaIruken

Bite him. I'm not even joking.

I’d do the same. Any partner who thought this was a good idea would be introduced to my teeth very quickly. Then I’d show him the door.

And wtf is his “extra on heat days”?

@IceLace100 I have no where to go.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about,

he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me

He is an abusive prick displaying typical manipulative behaviour. Get out of there fast before it gets worse.