Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP, he has 100% learned this from porn where women are basically portrayed as sex dolls and no more. It’s all about the man’s orgasm. Next he will be slapping you in the face in between forcing your head down. But he has learned that this is what sex is. You’re also supposed to be grateful and look at him adoringly when he cums in your face.

These are the images most men are wanking to regularly and so it’s hardly surprising many women of all ages are experiencing a concomitant shift when it comes to their sex lives and expectations on them to perform in a certain way. It’s insidious and pervasive throughout society. God help teenagers, is all I can say.

What will happen is, the more selfish he becomes, the more alienated you will become and the less likely you are to feel hopeful that you will ever get anything out of sex.

If I were you, I would go on YouPorn or whatever it is he’s watching; show him and tell him these women are not enjoying this - they are being paid and very possibly abused. Then tell him straight, he’s a crap lover because you have never orgasmed with him, so what is he going to do about it?

I have had a little of this with my husband wanting me to give him blow jobs on my knees at all times of day, when I’m in the middle of housework or something. As I say, porn is insidious. But I do feel able to ask him for what I want too and he’s very considerate about that. It can’t be all one way.

I’m sorry you’re in this crap situation and I hope he can wake up and change his attitude after you put him straight.

Arrrgggghh!!!! When will women just call time on this rancid misogynistic behaviour!!! Why are so many many women putting up with partners who do not see them as real human beings but as appendages to their own bloated sense of male entitlement? Just bin him.

@Sparklfairy oh trust me I've thrown the "you managed x many years without me" and he gives me the "it's different now I have you". I'm not laughing. I'm actually cringing pretty hardcore right now at the revelation this thread is giving me.

Yes this is rape.
Am concerned also that he reverts to victim mode, so could be he is a bit of a narcissist?
Playpausestop.org.uk has information on consent. As other posters have said, womens aid. It may be worth considering your position should you decide to leave, and if you need to get your ducks in a row.
Good luck

OP abuse tends to start during pregnancy with abusers. Pregnancy and marriage are the two triggers because you are trapped. It's planned by the abuser - think about that for a moment as it's quite chilling. Abusive men dehumanise pregnant women.

You've told him not to do it and he continues to do it which is abuse OP. Never do anything during sex that you don't want to do. He knows you don't like it and he continues to do it, what does that tell you? Rape is a penis or object inserted non consensually, so if he is forcing his penis into your mouth, it is rape.

You can contact Rape Crisis, have a chat with one of their trained workers rapecrisis.org.uk/

OP this is going to get worse, not better as he can't communicate or work out problems. He sulks like a toddler which is manipulative and he stonewalls you. He is treating you with contempt, not love.

@twinklystar23 it's never actually led to me giving him oral. So it is forceful and not right but I dont know if I'd call it rape. I feel like that would be the case if he shoved my head down there until I gave him oral and wouldnt stop

Do you want to stay with him? If he’s generally awful then leave. If he’s otherwise amazing but has been socialised to treat his partner like dirt then I’d spend a year trying to make improvements before leaving him.

Do you want to have sex with him? His behaviour is awful but if you want it to improve I’m sorry to say it will be you putting the work in by communicating clearly about what you want during sex, how and when you want it, giving praise and positive feedback when it’s good. Seeing as he already thinks of himself as a dog, you need to train that dog or sell him on Facebook.

I'd just like to clarify him pushing my head has never resulted in me giving him oral! I know for a fact that would be rape and I would not need to be on the thread asking any questions, I would be gone! He has twice "playfully" pushed my head down to suggest oral and try to get me to do it.

@Franklyfrost I do not have the energy to coach him in our sex life. I feel like I have to do that in pretty much every aspect of our relationship as it is.

It’s never right to force anyone to do anything

Sadly it’s very much porn influence but he is still making the choice to act it out

@Whereswally2

I'd just like to clarify him pushing my head has never resulted in me giving him oral! I know for a fact that would be rape and I would not need to be on the thread asking any questions, I would be gone! He has twice "playfully" pushed my head down to suggest oral and try to get me to do it.

Forcibly inserting a penis or object into your mouth is rape - it doesn't matter if you give him oral or not, it doesn't matter if he comes or not. It's rape OP.

I am not left wondering why this prize of a man has never had a girlfriend before after reading the OP's posts.

Directly say you don't like it that it makes you want to vomit and if he gets offended don't coax him out of it, let him stew in his own juice, maybe it would give him some extra thinking time!

The legal definition of rape is when a person intentionally penetrates another's vagina, anus or mouth with a penis, without the other person's consent.

www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/rsa/rape-and-sexual-assault/what-is-rape-and-sexual-assault/

I would not need to be on the thread asking any questions, I would be gone!

So you can leave him then? You would find somewhere to go if you believe he raped you? What he’s doing is bad enough. And it will very likely escalate, only you’ll be more worn down and it’ll be harder to leave by then.

He’s abusive. You really should leave him. What a pathetic ‘man’.

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Bite down op... He won't do it again.

This (very hard) and reconsider your relationship, you deserve so much more.

I read the first part of your post with an open mind about your DP. Some like a bit of forcefulness, but it's a topic that has to be discussed first. Perhaps he was trying to see if you were in to it, in a very poor way... but then I read that it would certainly turn into an argument if you tried to talk about it. Big Red Flag.

He's being unreasonable, then when challenged on it, is turning it round onto you, and painting himself the victim. This is emotionally abusive. This behaviour is designed to gradually stop you challenging his unreasonable behaviour, and let him get away with it.

That coupled with the head forcing thing, I don't doubt that he knows exactly what he's doing.

I don't think the OP should learn how to have great sex with her H. I just think that if she doesn't want to/ doesn't feel she can leave that might be the way to approach the sex conversation. Sometimes ltb is too simplistic.

There was one other incident before I was pregnant where I really wasnt in the mood but he was having one of his "heat" moments and it completely blindsided him. He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it. It was rough and because I wasnt feeling it I distinctly remember it feeling very raw and animalistic. After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting. I came out and asked him what the hell he was doing and said he was sorry and he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it. Ugh. I told my dm and I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say. It's hard because it was genuinely a one off and he was very remorseful but this head shoving is screaming that moment all over again. It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually.

Personally I think you should leave him ASAP.

But if you decide to make a go of it and you aren’t worried about him physically assaulting you, I would stand up to him, repeatedly and consistently and you start telling him that if he ever goes sex pest on you again, there will be no more sex and the relationship changes or you will leave. You would need to have a zero tolerance policy on abusive behaviour and be prepared to leave.

He either needs to grow up and be a real man and not a horny abusive sex pest or is emotionally manipulating you. And if he goes all self pitying then calm him out on it and say yes you are being a self pitying sex pest so stop it and learn from your mistakes otherwise you can go. You could even be nice and take him to the pub and sit him down and say these are the areas that need to change and i want this to work so I want you to change but if you can’t, then we are over.

I still think leaving would be better

Just seen your last post, report the fucker to the police and go to your mums. He is even more vile

You have a newborn baby. When you go to bed your one and only obligation (and desire too I'm sure) is to sleep. If the man who is your child's father can't understand that or accept that, then he is a bastard and you need to seriously consider whether you want to remain with him. 'Conjugal rights' is a very outdated concept. Women do not owe men sex.

Leave him. Leave him. Leave him. Learn to love yourself.

@Whereswally2

There was one other incident before I was pregnant where I really wasnt in the mood but he was having one of his "heat" moments and it completely blindsided him. He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it. It was rough and because I wasnt feeling it I distinctly remember it feeling very raw and animalistic. After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting. I came out and asked him what the hell he was doing and said he was sorry and he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it. Ugh. I told my dm and I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say. It's hard because it was genuinely a one off and he was very remorseful but this head shoving is screaming that moment all over again. It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually.

Oh. Yes. Leave.

I'm sorry @Whereswally2 but the last incident you described sounds like rape. You weren't up for it and weren't into it but he carried on without seeking consent.

He is not a wild animal who has no control over himself or his actions, he was not lost in the moment he just wanted sex and didn't care whether you did. That is not the way to treat anyone let alone someone you claim to love.

He also is using emotional manipulation to stop you challenging him. He's not a good person, partner, father.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go but people here and in real life will support you and offer you advice and guidance.

What's your housing/financial situation? What about family and friends?
Can you go and stay somewhere just for a breather and some time to think?