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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
Nitpickpicnic · 11/06/2021 14:25

I’m feeling for you so much. It must have been so hard to make the call, only to find out that Covid (and likely poor funding) makes a refuge so difficult. And extra hard that your mum’s house isn’t an option. Don’t feel defeated though. Keep working through your contacts (health visitor? GP?) and friends/relatives. You need a break, and he needs a wake up call.

At least try for some couples counselling? Or counselling for you? It’s not ideal in abusive situations, but these aren’t normal times. I suspect this thread may have strengthened some ‘off’ feelings you’ve had for a long while, but tread carefully.

You can sort through these feelings and do more quiet research (look into gaslighting too) even if you are forced to stay in the same house for the moment. Be cool and calm, and prioritise your lovely baby.

And come back to MN. We’ll help where we can.

Shutupyoutart · 11/06/2021 14:27

Oh my,I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt reading your first post and that maybe he was an inexperienced lover and this could be fixed with open communication but Jesus Christ.it gets worse with every update,op I'm so sorry but this is abuse and he has raped you. Do you have any friends you could stay with ?i know you don't want to be away from your family and understand how daunting that must feel to you but you can't stay with a man like that. It's only for a short while and they can help you carve out a new life free from this. I'm so sorry this has happened to you xx

Sparklfairy · 11/06/2021 14:32

he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it.

What a world we live in that a man can absolve himself of raping his partner by saying he 'lost himself in the moment', 'couldn't help it' and 'can't control it'.

You need to get away from this man.

Ninkanink · 11/06/2021 14:33

There will be a solution for you, @Whereswally2. It might take time, but the road is there and you will just need to take little steps toward the end goal. Wishing you strength, courage and safety.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/06/2021 14:35

@Numnumcookie

My DP physically forcing any bit of me to do anything would result in me physically forcing him out the door.

So obviously YANBU. This is abusive and it is definitely worth the argument.

This.
SirenSays · 11/06/2021 14:36

Please don't view all hostels and refuges as horrible places. I've lived in many hostels and My cousin was in one for DV with her newborn and the women she met there became such a great support system for her.

Sparklfairy · 11/06/2021 14:36

If you went to your mums 'sofa surfing' would the council class you as homeless and give you help that way? Hopefully someone more knowledgeable can clarify?

BashfulClam · 11/06/2021 14:41

What is ‘extra on heat days’? I my DH ever tried to force me he’d get nursing a bruised ballsack for several weeks and be living elsewhere.

CookieClub · 11/06/2021 14:46

Shelter are housing advisors.

What you want is Womens Aid darling, they deal with abuse and refuge. Honestly, covid or no covid, they will get you out of this situation.

minipie · 11/06/2021 14:47

Just to be clear OP there is absolutely no such thing as an “on heat” day for men where they can’t control themselves. That is an excuse he is using for sexually assaulting you. I’m so sorry.

AutistGoth · 11/06/2021 14:52

I really feel awful for you, OP. You deserve so much better.

I echo what @SirenSays says. Hostels and shelters do at least have standards and they are infinitely better than being in an abusive relationship.

Please try to leave him. For your beautiful baby if not for you. If you were prepared to leave him without the baby, then you know that you do have the courage to go. If he treats you like trash, he won't think twice about treating the baby badly too.

Zari29 · 11/06/2021 14:55

Sending you a virtual hug. This is so sad. He is abusing you. Poor love, I hope you get out of that situation.

Awalkintime · 11/06/2021 14:55

This is rape, it happened to me along with other things and the police confirmed it.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/06/2021 14:57

The head forcing would be a lighthearted I don't thing so the first time. If he didn't get the hint he would know exactly what I thought the 2nd time and if there wasn't an apology he'd be gone.

Nonmaquillee · 11/06/2021 14:58

"What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become"

He's abusive and violent. It's worth LEAVING him.

And yes, he's been watching too much porn.

Stormyequine · 11/06/2021 15:06

Leaving will be hard in the short term, but long term it will be so worth it. Far easier now while the baby is so tiny, than later when you would need to take DC away from their school and friends. If you stay things are never going to get better, and may get a whole lot worse.

shesellsseacats · 11/06/2021 15:07

I agree, it's Women's Aid you need.

Nanny0gg · 11/06/2021 15:20

@Whereswally2

There was one other incident before I was pregnant where I really wasnt in the mood but he was having one of his "heat" moments and it completely blindsided him. He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it. It was rough and because I wasnt feeling it I distinctly remember it feeling very raw and animalistic. After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting. I came out and asked him what the hell he was doing and said he was sorry and he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it. Ugh. I told my dm and I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say. It's hard because it was genuinely a one off and he was very remorseful but this head shoving is screaming that moment all over again. It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually.
I'm so sorry.

You know what that's called, right?

Please, can you go to your mum's? What's the situation? Rented? Owned? Whose name is on everything?

It's so hard with a newborn but he's a pig and he won't change.

DavidTheDog · 11/06/2021 15:25

At least try for some couples counselling?

This would be a complete waste of time and money. As soon as the counsellor learns about the relationship s/he will refuse to counsel them, as s/he should.

DavidTheDog · 11/06/2021 15:26

OP what would you like things be?

Notonthestairs · 11/06/2021 15:26

@minipie

Just to be clear OP there is absolutely no such thing as an “on heat” day for men where they can’t control themselves. That is an excuse he is using for sexually assaulting you. I’m so sorry.
^^ please listen to this.

There are no days when men can't control themselves.

Please leave him.

BillyTodd · 11/06/2021 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillyTodd · 11/06/2021 15:29

Actually, I think I'd play it smarter than I just said, and contact women's aid and get my ducks in a row first. Take back your power.

BillyTodd · 11/06/2021 15:32

Oh HOLY FUCK I have just seen an update I hadn't.

Please forget everything I said two posts back, this is WAY worse than a scenario where you could perhaps give the benefit of the doubt. There is no doubt that this is a horrible toxic situation and I am sending you all the strength that you need to get yourself safely away from him Flowers

notthenever · 11/06/2021 15:42

Just to be clear OP there is absolutely no such thing as an “on heat” day for men where they can’t control themselves. That is an excuse he is using for sexually assaulting you

Absolutely this.

Jesus, women have days, I have days, when I am absolutely desperate for a shag, but I manage to control myself and not go around sexually assaulting men. If women can manage to control themselves when they are desperate for sex, so can bloody men.
The only reason some men don't is because they are fucking psychotic bullies abusing the fact that they are physically stronger than women. Not because they on 'on heat' and can't control themselves. What a pathetic excuse.

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