Dp being too forceful

[Whereswally2]

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor it's with anything. If he is in the wrong and I call him out on it instead of apologising he will sulk around the house and say things like "I'm not good enough for you" "why would you want to be with me" "I cant help it"[/quote]
Please take a look at the 'drama triangle' and the role of the victim - your DP is taking that role and pushing you into the role of persecutor. It's not healthy for you or him but it's not something you have to keep playing along with.

This isn't the only explanation of it but it's a good insight into the victim role.
www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

if my DH did that he would get a punch in the nuts... which would remind him to never try something that stupid again.

Unless that's something you've discussed and agreed to in advance (probably with a safe word) no that's not OK at all.

No its not ok. If he knows you dont like this and still does it then thats not ok.
Its not ok that he never bothers to make you come.
its not ok that as soon as you try and bring anything up or assert any boundaries he makes it all about him and how sad your boundaries make him feel.

He sounds like a terrible lover tbh.
If he starts with the pity party, can you tell him to give over with the pity party, as if theres something you arent happy about then surely its best that you can discuss it and communicate like adults BEFORE its ruined things

Youre not his little sex toy, or private porn star. Youre a woman and supposed to be his equal partner with your own sexual and relationship tastes and needs.

Disgusting. Make plans to leave.

Abuse also can escalate at pregnancy and birth because during these times a women needs support.

A lot of these abusers have women running round after them catering to their every whim, like the OP "making it up to him after a row" even though she's got nothing to apologize for! And avoiding things that will annoy him to prevent a row occurring. Tiptoeing round on eggshells doing whatever is necessary to ensure he never becomes upset.

When a woman feels shitty during pregnancy and tired with a new baby, when her attention is quite rightly primarily on the baby and not on him, when he's not getting the level of support and subservience he's used to and in fact is being asked or expected to provide support (ie acknowledge what his partners body is going through and the difficulty that causes her, do equal or temporarily greater housework and later on parenting his child) then he feels hard done by and gets angry.

The abuser feels justified in having everything he wants when he wants it. So when he doesn't get it he feels his anger is justified and that he has a right to express his anger in an aggressive manner. In short, he's a massive dickhead with a huge ego and even bigger sense of entitlement and completely messed up and warped thinking pattern. Which is why there's absolutely no point in ever trying to reason with him.

Instead you get about 200 posters yelling LTB at the first sign of abuse and others rolling their eyes at "drama", but nope, it's because people who see the abuse for what it is know it'll never get better and most probably will get worse, so know the OP may as well save herself the fiture heartache of more abuse and leave now.

Do you have a job OP?

Your partner is an unpleasant man with no real respect for you. The sex is just a manifestation of the rest of his attitude to you. He is disrespecful when you raise issues with him and closes down what you say with emotionally manipulative responses.

You may not be ready to leave now, but I would encourage you to work to being in a place practically where you can leave.

There is a whole heap of pain and slow erosion ahead of you if you spend your years with this man. He's already trained you to be too scared of raising issues with him unless they are REALLY serious.

Fucking Hell he’s vile
Can get start planning your exit strategy?
This is really really far from normal or acceptable

His whole attitude stinks and he's sexually abusing you and emotionally abusing you.

Even if you're not ready to do anything about it now, please call Women's Aid for advice.

You need to get angry OP. Really fucking angry.
How dare he abuse you like that and treat you like a sex slave.

Men are taught sex by porn and to be honest so are women. It's easy to think the man's pleasure is the point of sex - after all, it's what we've all been taught by porn. I don't know what the statistics are but there was that horrible fact that 50% of men in the UK had watched pornhub in September 2020 so I think it's time to start being really instructive about sex to our young people - as in how to actually fucking ENJOY it.

Back to you, OP. I don't think it's too easy to leave someone after you've just had a baby and it won't necessarily help you the next time this is an issue - which sadly it will be most likely. You need to talk to him about this when sex is not on the cards. Approach it as you wanting to enjoy sex. You don't enjoy the kind of sex you're having. You want to learn how to have great sex with him. Women don't like having their heads forced down to do blowjobs, even porn workers don't like it they're being paid to do it etc. Additionally, there is NOTHING less likely to make you want to fuck someone than them being petulant about not getting enough sex. I'm so sorry you and all the other women who are victims of this shitty porny culture have to deal with this.

Back to you, OP. I don't think it's too easy to leave someone after you've just had a baby and it won't necessarily help you the next time this is an issue - which sadly it will be most likely. You need to talk to him about this when sex is not on the cards. Approach it as you wanting to enjoy sex. You don't enjoy the kind of sex you're having. You want to learn how to have great sex with him.

Bollocks she 'wants to learn how to have great sex with him'

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me[/quote]
My ex used to do this all the time (still does, tbh) with so many things - sex would be a part of it, but also him not helping around the house, or having a temper tantrum about something minor etc. It gradually eroded a lot of my boundaries without me even realising.

Even worse, my eldest DC, at only 8 years old, has picked up on the behaviour and will often do the same - when he makes a mistake (often a pretty typical childhood one, like picking on a younger sibling or not getting ready to leave on time for school), he'll start saying how he's no good, or how sad he is, and suddenly I'm reassuring him. His younger siblings don't do it, perhaps because they had less exposure.

It's really unhealthy dynamic but also so hard to unpick, even with the help of a family counsellor - you'll be so much better off if you can nip it in the bud right now, or just go and start fresh.

Bollocks she 'wants to learn how to have great sex with him’

Yes quite.

Uhm. I think what you meant to say was he needs to learn to have great sex with her...which starts with him being considerate, respectful and appreciative of her as a person rather than an appliance for sex.

Honestly the mind boggles.

I'm sorry to hear that you are unable to tell him to stop without him getting childish about it, however, you need to start learning how to tell him. Being forced into any type of sexual activity (non-consentual) is illegal and could lead to more stuff that you are unhappy with.

I have been in a relationship for a long while where I was keeping everyone happy - husband, kids, the whole world - and it was only once I started taking back some control that I became the person I knew I should be - someone who has respect from others.

It is alien to start with but soon becomes easier. Just say "no, I do not like that" - if he strops off to his bedroom then fine, thats HIS problem not yours. Give him the responsibility back for his actions - they are NOT YOUR FAULT. He is behaving like a spoiled child and needs to be brought into line.

If all else is good in the relationship then it is the communication that needs some tweaking. Sorry if I am sounding flippant, I am not.... I just want you to know that you can start to stand up for yourself whether or not it upsets someone else. You deserve respect but you will only get it when he realises you mean business and won't be guilt tripped into doing something you don't like.

Good luck OP, it sounds horrid

Even worse, my eldest DC, at only 8 years old, has picked up on the behaviour and will often do the same - when he makes a mistake (often a pretty typical childhood one, like picking on a younger sibling or not getting ready to leave on time for school), he'll start saying how he's no good, or how sad he is, and suddenly I'm reassuring him.

He needs you not to engage with his moaning and help him to sort things out.

"You just need to apologise / hurry up now / or whatever."

Op why are you finding this light hearted. It is very serious and you should be less casual about this.

Jesuskerist , this is oral rape.

What's next? Forcing you to have anal sex against your wishes, threesomes with his mates?

If my DH did what you are describing, well I don't know what I'd do because he wouldn't do it!

I don't say this lightly, he's a rapist. Forcing his penis into an orifice of yours (doesn't matter if it's oral, vaginal or anal) is rape. I completely understand that it's not always easy to leave - especially not when he has abused you to the point of doubting your ability to leave and live independently. But for your own sake and the sake of your baby, you must.

Please try to contact Women's Aid or similar and tell them what you have told us. You deserve better than this, as does your child. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

@Sparklfairy haha I've had that as well! It was so painful and when I suggested his hand to sort the matter out he replied with "only I could help him"

You lost me at “extra on heat days”. He’s a man not a dog. He is perfectly capable of controlling himself. He is choosing not to. He is choosing to hurt and sexually abuse you. Please get out of this relationship.

If he tried that on me and I didn’t like it, I’d be another one biting him.

OP, this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship.

[quote Whereswally2]@Sparklfairy haha I've had that as well! It was so painful and when I suggested his hand to sort the matter out he replied with "only I could help him" [/quote]
I know you're laughing but that's vile. I fell for it initially with my first boyfriend but the poor me ive got blue ball whining face ended up giving me the ick.

"What would you do if I wasn't here?" Works well, or even better, "how did you cope when you were single?"

You want to learn how to have great sex with him.

WRONG. He needs to learn how to have great sex with her.

@Gliblet the thing is I know all too well what he is doing. If I even me toned the word manipulation he would freak because he genuinely does not see it. And refuses to be associated with the word or believe it. I dont know where I've gone so wrong. I was seeing someone before my dp and they done exactly the same thing so I picked it up straight away with dp. I know it turns the blame game around and it means they get off the hook without ever having to take responsibility. I cant stand bringing up any issues I have with him, hence why at the bottom of my thread I asked if it was worth it, because he instant reaction isnt too communicate but to become defeated and withdrawn. Then instead of trying to fix the problem or be constructive it's a case of me having to fight for our relationship and make sure he is okay. I hate it and I've told him to get over himself when he gets like it but it's like I can literally see him reclining into himself and there is no talking him out of it.