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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dp being too forceful

474 replies

Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 10:51

sorry dont know If this will be triggering to some

A couple of times now whe do goes through his "extra on heat" days he has found it appropriate to grab my head and push me down onto him for oral. At the time I've thought nothing of it and would laugh at him whilst he was doing it, but I would be pushing back against him to get my head back up and he wouldnt give. I'm my partners first and only gf so I dont know where he has picked that up from (porn maybe?) I took it to be light hearted and would tell him that doing this would get him no where however now that I'm thinking about it, it's just plain disrespectful joke or not. I know that if I gave in and gave him head from it he would be quite happy so there is obviously some sort of truth to his actions. I just think it's a horrible way to show his frustration. We have a newborn and arent really having sex so yes he maybe horny but honestly this is just a turn off.

I know it sounds really bad writing it down and I most likely should of felt like this sooner but I'm used to my sexual encounters being a give and not receive bases so I guess it just went past me. Sad really. In terms of sex life it is never equal. Its primarily me performing for dp. I've gone above and beyond for him and cant say he has ever done anything for me. He doesnt make me climax but then again no one ever has. When I pull him up on it he says he would love to put more effort into me during sex but I dont let him and restrict him (which is not true I just dont like oral). He has plenty of opportunity but never acts upon it.

What I'm trying to get at is the head forcing something worth getting into an arguement about, because I know that's what it will become

OP posts:
MerryChristmasToYou · 11/06/2021 13:45

You're living with an abusive sex pest, who assaults you and rapes you.

CallMeCleo · 11/06/2021 13:48

My heart goes out to you, OP.

You are just trying to make a nice little family and life and what you are getting in return is abuse. It's so, so unfair.

I agree with all the PP. You need to sit him down and have all of this out with him, asap. You cannot let this be your life for the next 20-30-40 years!

Best of luck
x

notthenever · 11/06/2021 13:49

I do not have the energy to coach him in our sex life. I feel like I have to do that in pretty much every aspect of our relationship as it is

You can't fix this relationship on your own. And, as you have said, he isn't even trying to fix his behaviour in the relationship. He isn't even trying to recognise his own behaviour.

It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually
It always will be. And that's no life for you or your child. Talk to your mum again. Make a plan to leave. He sounds truly awful in so many ways.

ElizabethTudor · 11/06/2021 13:49

@Whereswally2

There was one other incident before I was pregnant where I really wasnt in the mood but he was having one of his "heat" moments and it completely blindsided him. He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it. It was rough and because I wasnt feeling it I distinctly remember it feeling very raw and animalistic. After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting. I came out and asked him what the hell he was doing and said he was sorry and he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it. Ugh. I told my dm and I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say. It's hard because it was genuinely a one off and he was very remorseful but this head shoving is screaming that moment all over again. It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually.
Christ, the more you post the worst it gets. Another one of his “heat moments.” He’s a bloke, not a dog. After everything you’ve posted I’d be out of there like a shot.
FuckyouCovid21 · 11/06/2021 13:52

He's an abusive cunt, rapist and total scumbag and this will only escalate. I can't believe you stayed with him initially, you say he's always been selfish in bed, doesn't make you come - what on earth kept you there before the baby?

legotruck · 11/06/2021 13:52

Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say.

You are not trapped, so we can't say that. You are using it to excuse yourself for putting up with abuse. You need some serious help. Contact women's aid. Talk to your family. Do something.

joystir59 · 11/06/2021 13:52

You don't ever deserve to be raped and abused. Please go to your mum with your baby and be done with him.

SirenSays · 11/06/2021 13:53

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. None of this is your fault. There are some wonderful organisations out there to help women in your situation.

He's not a dog that can't control himself, he's a bastard that's choosing not to. I've always told men, if you push my head down, I'm biting it off. Said with a cheeky grin but meant 100%

CallMeCleo · 11/06/2021 13:57

@Whereswally2

"After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting".

Of course you felt awful. Of course you cried. Every woman in the world would. Darling, you were raped, and by the very man who is supposed to cherish and protect you.

Now you have told us this, I am sorry but somehow you are going to have to get yourself out of this relationship.

And it would not be inappropriate to report this rape to the police. It does not matter that the report will probably not end in a conviction, the point is to get it officially logged as evidence for when he does it again to you or to another lady.

Can you not move in with your DM? You are in an abusive relationship. I'm so sorry.

tornadosequins · 11/06/2021 13:57

He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it.

He raped you. He knew he was raping you.

He is continuing to sexually assault you. He is abusing you and has trained you to excuse his abuse. There is no excuse for what he does to you.

He is a rapist. There's no "oh it was an isolated incident " about it. He is engaged in a continuing pattern of coercive control including sexual abuse.

Call your mum, call Women's Aid, call the police, ask for a refuge place - whatever you have to do to get away from him.

You stop being trapped as soon as you choose to leave.

NeverHadANickname · 11/06/2021 13:58

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation. Would it help you to have clarity if you looked back at your posts as though one of us had written it? Or a friend, sister, daughter etc? What would you say to them?

Rmka · 11/06/2021 13:59

@Whereswally2

There was one other incident before I was pregnant where I really wasnt in the mood but he was having one of his "heat" moments and it completely blindsided him. He had sex with me even though I wasnt up for it. It was rough and because I wasnt feeling it I distinctly remember it feeling very raw and animalistic. After he finished I took myself to the shower, sat in there and cried. I felt disgusting. I came out and asked him what the hell he was doing and said he was sorry and he lost himself in the moment and couldnt even tell I wasnt in it. Ugh. I told my dm and I was going to leave him. Then I found out I was pregnant and I got trapped I guess you could say. It's hard because it was genuinely a one off and he was very remorseful but this head shoving is screaming that moment all over again. It's his needs before my own and that's not just sexually.
I'm sorry this happened to you, OP. I'm afraid that was rape. While the head "incidents" would classify as attempted rape.

None of his behaviour can be explained by his lack of experience. He's abusive, manipulative and it's probably only a matter of time before he hits you. Call women's aid, take your baby, go to your mum's, report him, and cut all ties with him. I'm sorry, but this is the best for you and your baby. Flowers

Isthisit22 · 11/06/2021 14:03

Leave this disgusting animal before he becomes 'forceful' again

username4567720 · 11/06/2021 14:05

OP please get some help and support.

Try the national helpline: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

If you can't get through (they are difficult to get through to) you can use their Chat facility: www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online They are open till 10pm

You can find your local DV service here: www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

You have to get away from him. If you can get to your mum's for a while, then do that.

AutistGoth · 11/06/2021 14:06

OP, please.I am begging you. For your own sake, for the sake of your baby, please call your mother, women's aid or the police. That man is an emotionally manipulative rapist.

I'm sorry that this happened to you and I'm also sorry that you have had to find out the extent of the circumstances this way (though I think you probably knew it deep down).

You and your child deserve better than this.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 11/06/2021 14:07

His “heat” moments? He’s not a fucking dog. He’s a manipulative, sexually assaulting, adult male.

PizzaCrust · 11/06/2021 14:07

His reaction to you pulling him up on it is almost worse than the act to begin with. It’s pure emotional abuse, making you doubt yourself and making himself the victim.

I completely understand that you love him and want it to work, but you HAVE to stand up for yourself.

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is never to do that again and if he starts acting like the victim, you need to not only stand firm, but tell him that you don’t give a fuck about his little sob story and he has two choices- he either pulls himself together, apologises and amends his behaviour or he gets the fuck out.

If you don’t nip this is in the bud now, at best he’ll continue to make you feel uncomfortable. At worse his behaviour will escalate to forcing you to have sex and emotionally abusing you daily.

And if he refuses to do as you ask? You need to protect yourself, and as a result, your baby. If he can’t behave according to your boundaries and doesn’t care about you as a person, he isn’t fit to be a partner or a father.

Stormyequine · 11/06/2021 14:11

It is not a one off though is it. What you have written about here shows a pattern of behaviour, and I have no doubt there is a whole lot more that you have not mentioned. It does not sound like you are safe living with him.

viques · 11/06/2021 14:11

[quote Whereswally2]@ElizabethTudor he either gets defensive or shuts down completely and becomes a massive pity party. Then it results in me somehow having to coax him into being okay like he is the victim olin the situation because it's all woe is me[/quote]
He has got you so well trained hasn’t he, alert to his every little mood and whim. I’m surprised he has to “persuade”you to do the blow jobs. Still, give him a couple of months and I’m sure you will be more compliant.

You might want to think about why it is that while you are attuned to all his little huffs and read his body language like a book, he hasn’t cottoned on to the fact that you hate the way he forces you to do something you don’t like doing.

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 14:11

I have spoken to shelter. Because of the situation they said it could be ages until I get rehomed. In the meantime I could be taken away from my family and put in a hostel far far away. I dont want that. The pandemic has made this all horrendous. I havent even had any postnatal care. No one to talk to. I've got a meeting with a counsellor next week. That's the only thing keeping me sane. My dm knows but is unable to help, she is potentially going to be homeless herself. When I say I'm stuck I well and truly am. The worst part of it all is I have a strong feeling the incident I described was when I got pregnant. And thinking that makes me sick to my stomach. I love my dc and I'm so sad they potentionally came into the world that way.

OP posts:
Ninkanink · 11/06/2021 14:13

Where were you going to go when you were going to leave him before?

Original poster
Whereswally2 · 11/06/2021 14:14

@Ninkanink back home. That was before I knew i was pregnant though. My family home is not stable at the moment nor does it have the space

OP posts:
pointythings · 11/06/2021 14:14

So basically he has already raped you once. Honestly, you need to call Womens Aid and get yourself into a refuge. With the DC. It's hard, but it's better than putting up with this behaviour.

legotruck · 11/06/2021 14:18

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Ninkanink · 11/06/2021 14:19

Ah I’m sorry to hear that. Flowers

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