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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being U, me or DP

213 replies

MaryB90 · 08/06/2021 10:07

DP goes to the gym every day for over two hours plus sun bed after, different times every day but usually sometime in the morning.
We have a workman putting a new floor down in the kitchen and lounge as we speak, DP knew my plans for today, I was going to meet a friend who lives an hour away and was going to leave at 10:30am.
He's just announced that he's going to the gym, he told me to lock our dog in the bedroom and leave the workman home alone.
I'm not comfortable doing that, so told him I'll cancel my plans or leave later if my friend is OK with that.
He just got angry with me!

He's gone to the gym and left me annoyed. It could just be my pregnancy hormones.
So who is BU here, me or DP?
Please don't hold back, talk sense into me.

OP posts:
waddlemyway · 08/06/2021 14:56

Did you actually discuss what the plan was at any point? Or did you just expect one thing and he expected another?
Communication is key.
Also…. One the baby arrives… he gets as many hours for his hobby per week as you do for yours, i.e. not very many. Make sure you communicate that before it’s too late and get his expectations in check. (If he was able to workout at home during lockdown then I’m sure there’s room for compromise from both sides.)

endofthelinefinally · 08/06/2021 15:03

You are not married. This could be a good or a bad thing, depending whether you own or rent, whether your home is in joint names, who pays for what, who has life insurance/will written/pension etc. If he continues in this vein and you end up doing everything, it is easier to walk away if you are not married.
He does sound selfish and self absorbed as well as thoughtless. I wouldn't want to leave a dog closed in the bedroom with a stranger in the house. It isn't fair on either of them.
Of course, your partner may experience an epiphany and realise that having a relationship and a child together means matched effort and responsibility.

Mamamamasaurus · 08/06/2021 15:07

Will he still be off to the gym and then the skin cancer bed when you have a baby?

Your biggest problems here are him acting like a massive gym-addicted prick and your naivety

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 08/06/2021 15:19

Trying to imagine what this man looks like. Is his skin like leather yet? Does he still have a neck? Does he stand in the mirror kissing his biceps for hours? So many questions. Please come back.

Peach01 · 08/06/2021 15:20

@kennelmaid

Am I wrong in worrying about the dog Sad
No, I thought the same.
Aquamarine1029 · 08/06/2021 15:26

I hope you are financially independent because your relationship is going to implode after the baby arrives.

fridgepants · 08/06/2021 15:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

Bluntness100 · 08/06/2021 15:33

Wow. Some of these comments are seriously nasty 😱

Strikethrough · 08/06/2021 15:39

OP, depending on how pregnant you are I think your partner needs to start winding down the gym sessions now (even if you're only a couple of months pregnant, it would take him seven months to drop them right down ready for baby if he drops, say, a day every month so that he does six days a week next month, five the month after and so on). If you just expect him to suddenly drop from seven days when you go into labour it will be a disaster, not least because if he's used to that much exercise his body will really struggle to go to none (but more because it will probably just never happen).

BlueButtercups · 08/06/2021 15:49

OMG...

He's ripping the PISS out of you...

GroggyLegs · 08/06/2021 16:01

Ah OP. I really feel for you, I suspect the next year or so is going to be tough, with hard conversations to be had.

Agree with PP - He could do with weaning off the gym a bit, it messes with my head & my body if I suddenly stop all activity and I don't do everyday!

Congratulations on your pregnancy & I hope we're all wrong & he grows up quickly and is a super Dad Flowers

Peach01 · 08/06/2021 16:05

Have the discussion with him now and let him know what's expected of him. If he's got angry with you at this stage over something that isn't your fault it'll get worse once the baby's here.
Emotions are heightened with the lack of sleep and everything your body will have gone through. If you're not supported enough and he gets to do what makes him happy when he wants while your left carrying the responsibility it'll make you feel terrible.

Coyoacan · 08/06/2021 16:12

I am so sick and bloody tired of women undermining themselves by blaming their hormones

Women are aware of the effect that hormones can have on our moods and how we feel, whereas men have no such awareness of how their moods and feelings are affected by the state of their body. Why do we have to pretend we are men with zero self-awareness?

CutieBear · 08/06/2021 16:22

@MaryB90 you need to have a serious talk with your DP about his addiction. 2 hours of gym and sun beds every single day is excessive. It’s an addiction, especially as he panics when his routine is disrupted. It’s clear that he only focuses on himself so I doubt he’ll be a hands on dad. Good dads drop everything for their DC.

Sun beds give you cancer. An exercise addiction can fuck you up mentally and physically. He doesn’t sound ready to raise DC.

Peach01 · 08/06/2021 16:36

@Coyoacan

I am so sick and bloody tired of women undermining themselves by blaming their hormones

Women are aware of the effect that hormones can have on our moods and how we feel, whereas men have no such awareness of how their moods and feelings are affected by the state of their body. Why do we have to pretend we are men with zero self-awareness?

Exactly. There's nothing stereotypical about our own genetics. Our hormomes have a direct impact on seratonine and dopamine.
stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 16:41

@Coyoacan

I am so sick and bloody tired of women undermining themselves by blaming their hormones

Women are aware of the effect that hormones can have on our moods and how we feel, whereas men have no such awareness of how their moods and feelings are affected by the state of their body. Why do we have to pretend we are men with zero self-awareness?

Bit of a generalisation, I have no idea how hormones affect me. My moods can be up and down but I wouldn’t be able to differentiate between my hormones causing that or other factors. My period has no discernible impact on my mood, for instance.

Blaming hormones seems to be a euphemism for me ‘I could be being hysterical because I’m a woman.’

FlowerArranger · 08/06/2021 17:02

This has got to be a wind-up....... surely no one can be this naive???!!

So the plan, after baby is born, is for both of them to work full time, he continues his 3-hourly gym + sunbed routine, OP does her daily hobby as well, the fairies do the shopping, housework, cooking, laundry, life admin etc., somehow they'll fit in looking after the kid, and perhaps sleep a few hours as well.

Am I the only one to wonder who'll be walking the poor dog?

FishyFriday · 08/06/2021 17:03

I hate the blaming hormones thing to.

My fool of a husband decided to suggest that I might be upset with him and my absolutely atrocious MIL (even by MN standards she's a piece of work). No. Maybe I'm perimenopausal. 🙄

I pointed out the misogyny. And made it clear that it was still misogynistic even if his mother suggested it. She's misanthropic in general, but she especially hates women.

As for poor @MaryB90. He is going Uk leave you doing everything while he pisses about in the gym and gives himself skin cancer. He needs to sort himself out long before the baby arrives.

stackemhigh · 08/06/2021 17:13

OP being responsible and not leaving dog and workman alone = hormonal

Man being angry at woman for being responsible = not hormonal

Bizarre.

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 18:56

@An0n0n0n

I am so sick and bloody tired of women undermining themselves by blaming their hormones.

It's also not fucking helpful for women who want to be taken seriously who have had to fight stereotypes of women being hormonal and emotional. So please stop saying it might be your hormomes.

Its not your hormones, yout partner is selfish. Have some confidence in yourself please. X

I do agree. Considering how many women carry on with extremely responsible work right through pregnancies, recent childbirth, miscarriages, periods, menopause etc without their work being affected at all, it really doesn't do any of us a service to paint a picture of ourselves as unable to control our moods due to being little women.
endofthelinefinally · 08/06/2021 19:01

And yet, some women do suffer dreadfully with endometriosis, perimenopause, menopause and all the serious health conditions that arise from those. How depressing that women lucky enough to enjoy good health are so unsupportive.

Nanny0gg · 08/06/2021 19:40

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No. He should have stayed.

Good luck with your baby. I'm sorry to say, I think you'll need it.

FijiCavanaugh · 08/06/2021 20:01

I'm just here to find out how orange he is!

guesswhatteapot · 08/06/2021 20:40

You're not having a baby with my ex husband by any chance? Complete narcissist who complained when I went into Labour at 3pm on a Saturday just as football was starting. Sounds like you are going to have your work cut out looking after a baby and a man child.

Peach01 · 08/06/2021 20:44

@FijiCavanaugh

I'm just here to find out how orange he is!
Rich mahogany maybe? A sunbed every day is absolutely shocking.