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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being U, me or DP

213 replies

MaryB90 · 08/06/2021 10:07

DP goes to the gym every day for over two hours plus sun bed after, different times every day but usually sometime in the morning.
We have a workman putting a new floor down in the kitchen and lounge as we speak, DP knew my plans for today, I was going to meet a friend who lives an hour away and was going to leave at 10:30am.
He's just announced that he's going to the gym, he told me to lock our dog in the bedroom and leave the workman home alone.
I'm not comfortable doing that, so told him I'll cancel my plans or leave later if my friend is OK with that.
He just got angry with me!

He's gone to the gym and left me annoyed. It could just be my pregnancy hormones.
So who is BU here, me or DP?
Please don't hold back, talk sense into me.

OP posts:
ihtwsf · 08/06/2021 11:20

Your husband is a selfish twat who doesn't love you enough to put you first and you'd better get some family or paid for support in place for your DC as you won't get it from him

Perfectly put @nanbread

PixieDust28 · 08/06/2021 11:22

Your DP is a selfish arse. You shouldn't have cancelled on your friend. If he won't come back to stay with a builder, you can only imagine what he'll be like once the baby is here.

A sun bed every day?! 🍊

katy1213 · 08/06/2021 11:23

I'm trying to imagine what he looks like! And whether there's much between his ears!
Gorgeous George?

TheOrigRights · 08/06/2021 11:25

I'm baffled at the world you live in, where your partner can spend over 2hrs A DAY at the gym and sun bed, and that both you and your friend can both be so flexible and change your plans to accommodate him.

Do none of you have jobs or responsibilities?

Hmm, actually maybe I'm just bitter and twisted - I do remember those days!

Your partner sounds really selfish though. You don't just "announce" you're doing something when you're in a partnership.

silverbubbles · 08/06/2021 11:27

sunbed every day???!!!!
This is not good.

Waterfallgirl · 08/06/2021 11:27

It’s not about the builder …sorry

Sillysandy · 08/06/2021 11:27

I don't agree with the majority of the replies here.

Let's break it down.
In your mind, someone needed to stay with the builder and you had less moveable plans so assumed he would stay.
In his mind, he didn't see any need for anyone to stay home so thought it was fine you were both going out.

A simple miscommunication.

Then you said you'd change your plans which he took as a passive aggressive huff so got annoyed.

He must be very fit and probably loves working out. If it's not a problem for you, it doesn't matter if it's a problem for other people on this thread. Do you have interests of your own? My DP is off running many hours of the week. He loves it. I do a variety of things.

However I would advise you lay down clear expectations for when the baby is here.

MrsKoala · 08/06/2021 11:28

Is he Peter Andre? Does he really really love his kids?

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 11:31

@MaryB90

Yes this is our first baby and I wouldn't want him to stop going to the gym completely. I understand it's his hobby so it's fine with me but I did tell him I would like him to tonne it down for at least the first few weeks once baby is born. Let's be real here, I'm being naive aren't I Blush
Why just for a few weeks? If he's got 21 hours a week to prat around at the gym, why shouldn't he use some/most of those for looking after his child? Tell him he can practise weightlifting by picking up the baby.
theDudesmummy · 08/06/2021 11:31

Going to the gym for two hours a day and having a sunbed every day is not just keeping fit or in any way normal, and it's not just selfishness, it is an obsession, as you are aware. Which is a mental disorder. (Unless he is an elite athlete who for some reason needs to be ultra-tanned to practice his sport, which is clearly not the case).

He needs help to see how abnormal this is. Your problem is much bigger than a one-off annoyance at having to cancel your plans on this occasion. This is not going get any better unless something is done to get him to see that he has a serious problem which threatens his relationship and family life.

gustofwind · 08/06/2021 11:32

No, OP. This isn't right. You are downplaying this.

He will get worse and you will get more and more frustrated.

Stop the shit behaviour coming from this person and start being assertive. It wont end well if you don't. Seriously.

I agree, I wouldn't leave the builders there. YOU had plans. HE could have changed his. STICK UP FOR YOUR SELF AND YOUR PLANS.

You are worth more. Flowers

Merryoldgoat · 08/06/2021 11:33

He doesn’t work does he?

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 11:35

In your mind, someone needed to stay with the builder and you had less moveable plans so assumed he would stay.
In his mind, he didn't see any need for anyone to stay home so thought it was fine you were both going out.
A simple miscommunication.

It's a bit more than that, isn't it? Leaving both the dog and the workman on their own just isn't a sensible thing to do, and deciding that that is preferable to missing one gym session out of seven this week is a weird way of thinking.

Zzelda · 08/06/2021 11:37

I don't see the problem with leaving the workman alone. I can't make a judgement re leaving the dog in the bedroom for 2 hours - that would depend on the dog and whether it was used to being left alone and would be happy just snoozing on the bed for a couple of hours.

Is the point that the dog isn't going to be alone but is going to be aware that there is a stranger in the house and will be distressed by that?

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 08/06/2021 11:38

It reminds me of Jersey Shore. Isn't that what they did every day? Gym, tan, laundry.

I agree with the others, you are sleep-walking into disaster here, but I suspect you won't listen.

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No, he should have cancelled his plans and stayed with the builder, not get angry with and leave.

timeisnotaline · 08/06/2021 11:39

Staying with the builder is not the point. The problem is you will be dead with tiredness and a baby and he will be ‘don’t you know that half hour a day I help around the house is me doing as much as I can, you can’t ask me to cut back on my gym and sun bed time! Wahhwahh’
Ugh he uses sun beds every day - so much ugh!! Wishing him luck with the cancers.

Notaroadrunner · 08/06/2021 11:40

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No, you should have left when you were supposed to leave. I assume the builders you chose are trustworthy but even if they rob the place blind it will be your Dh's fault, not yours. You had plans. He chose to ignore them and leave. Best of luck having a baby with this man. You'll need it!
Taliskerskye · 08/06/2021 11:41

Oh dear. See you back in 6months when you’re near to deaths door from doing it all. And your dp hasn’t changed lifestyle at all.
I would put a bet on him taking up golf or cycling too

Anydreamwilldo12 · 08/06/2021 11:42

Its very sad you seem to find this amusing OP? It won't be at all amusing when he is swanning off every day for hours and you are left to see to baby and the house and everything else.
He is a selfish twat!

VeganCheesePlease · 08/06/2021 11:45

It's not a question of whether or not it's OK for him to enjoy the gym, it's that you told him your plans so for one day he could easily have rescheduled. Put your foot down here, OP.

TurquoiseDragon · 08/06/2021 11:48

@MaryB90

Yes this is our first baby and I wouldn't want him to stop going to the gym completely. I understand it's his hobby so it's fine with me but I did tell him I would like him to tonne it down for at least the first few weeks once baby is born. Let's be real here, I'm being naive aren't I Blush
2 hours a day plus sunbed is not going to be compatible with a baby. You're going to end up doing all the grunt work, and forever putting g yourself last.

He knew you were going out, but decided he couldn't wait to go. I bet he knows you would not have left the workman alone, so he knew you'd have to cancel or move the time with your friend.

He's being really selfish here, and I reckon it'll get worse.

Isabella70 · 08/06/2021 11:52

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

You should be eloping with the builder
Northernparent68 · 08/06/2021 11:53

@mrsm43s

I don't see the problem with leaving the workman alone. I can't make a judgement re leaving the dog in the bedroom for 2 hours - that would depend on the dog and whether it was used to being left alone and would be happy just snoozing on the bed for a couple of hours.

You had plans, he had plans. If you're not comfortable leaving the workman/dog alone then one of you has to cancel. No one of your plans trumps the other, so its a case of discussing it and coming to a mutual agreement.

I'm not quite sure why everyone is jumping on your DH. Nothing wrong with going to the gym (sunbeds are foolish though), and no reason why hobbies (especially one as healthy as keeping fit) should automatically be dropped when you have a family. Mutual communication and consideration is the key here.

This, are either of you qualified to supervise a workman ? Why can’t the dog be left alone ?
Gwenhwyfar · 08/06/2021 11:54

@2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney

He is unreasonable using a sunbed. Hasn’t he heard of skin cancer? < misses point entirely>
And every day? (They can be good for some conditions I think with occasional use).

I'm surprised a straight man is this vain.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 08/06/2021 11:56

It's really baffling (and quite fucking depressing) to me - and I've seen it before on here when a poster wanted her husband to skip a long-standing Sunday footie match - that some people seem to think one person's right to leisure time carries more weight simply because it has been going on so long: whereas any reasonable person would surely take the view that, having been indulged day in, day out, the gracious (and blindingly obvious) thing to do would be to skip the odd match/gym session to accommodate the person who asks for such downtime much, much less frequently. Absolutely loopy. Work is probably non-negotiable. A daily (DAILY, ffs!) gym 'n' sunbed session certainly shouldn't be.

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