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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being U, me or DP

213 replies

MaryB90 · 08/06/2021 10:07

DP goes to the gym every day for over two hours plus sun bed after, different times every day but usually sometime in the morning.
We have a workman putting a new floor down in the kitchen and lounge as we speak, DP knew my plans for today, I was going to meet a friend who lives an hour away and was going to leave at 10:30am.
He's just announced that he's going to the gym, he told me to lock our dog in the bedroom and leave the workman home alone.
I'm not comfortable doing that, so told him I'll cancel my plans or leave later if my friend is OK with that.
He just got angry with me!

He's gone to the gym and left me annoyed. It could just be my pregnancy hormones.
So who is BU here, me or DP?
Please don't hold back, talk sense into me.

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 08/06/2021 10:53

Here we go again.

Deadbeat partner
Obsessive with hobby (and looks)
No care or thought about partner’s plans
No care about their dog

Meanwhile,
Pregnant op, naively hoping partner will change or maybe tone it down
OP turning into a martyr
OP makes weak jokes about partner’s obsession, shrugs shoulders, saying what is he like!

Fast forward
Deadbeat partner continues and probably adds to hobby time
Martyr OP ground down, does everything for baby, house and never gets to go out at all.
Baby probably gets partners surname
OP doesn’t go back to work and gets shafted financially or partner let’s her do everything on top of working outside the home (take your pick)

It’s all so predictable. Please OP break the cycle now and assert yourself.

Waspsarearseholes · 08/06/2021 10:55

Why should you mess up your friend's plans because he can't wait a couple of hours to go to the gym? If I were your friend I'd be rather pissed off if you rearranged at the last minute or completely cancelled because your husband's a selfish knob. He's cocked about with two people's plans now and then got angry with you about it. Time to put yourself and your baby, when it arrives, first. He sounds revolting.

Cravey · 08/06/2021 10:57

Darling, in the nicest way, you're not being naive, you're letting him walk all over you. He sounds like a child who sulks when he can't get what he wants. He's not listening to you or caring about your plans. And there's a baby coming into this. You have to tell him he needs to step up. Babies are hard work. You will need help not him sloping off for a tan.

mrsm43s · 08/06/2021 10:59

I don't see the problem with leaving the workman alone. I can't make a judgement re leaving the dog in the bedroom for 2 hours - that would depend on the dog and whether it was used to being left alone and would be happy just snoozing on the bed for a couple of hours.

You had plans, he had plans. If you're not comfortable leaving the workman/dog alone then one of you has to cancel. No one of your plans trumps the other, so its a case of discussing it and coming to a mutual agreement.

I'm not quite sure why everyone is jumping on your DH. Nothing wrong with going to the gym (sunbeds are foolish though), and no reason why hobbies (especially one as healthy as keeping fit) should automatically be dropped when you have a family. Mutual communication and consideration is the key here.

RantyAnty · 08/06/2021 11:03

I think both of you will have a rude awakening when the baby comes.

Does he actually work?

Does he do anything around the house now?

PegPeople · 08/06/2021 11:04

I'm not quite sure why everyone is jumping on your DH. Nothing wrong with going to the gym (sunbeds are foolish though), and no reason why hobbies (especially one as healthy as keeping fit) should automatically be dropped when you have a family. Mutual communication and consideration is the key here.

Because anyone with even an ounce of sense can see exactly where this situation is heading. Having a hobby is fine but no one needs a hobby that dominantes every single day and is sacrosanct above everything else.

Anyone thinking that a but of mural communication will prevent this angry partner being a disinterested father who prioritises his sunbed and gym obsession above all else is sadly as deluded as the OP. Sad

SingingWaffleDoggy · 08/06/2021 11:05

I’d put dog in bedroom (provided dog is used to being left obviously), show the workmen where the teabags are, jump in the car, swift text to DP saying you’re off and dog needs checking, sunnies on and enjoy your day 😎
Later, address the issue that his hobby does not trump your pre made plans. Do not let this become a precedence

RedrumMurder · 08/06/2021 11:06

Op sorry to say, the gym will be 4 hours a day once the baby is here. Useless fuckers like that always need a get out clause cos baby will be too stressful. Then I’m sure he will be too tired to help at night.
He will fuck up any thing to do with the baby so he won’t have to look after it again, sounds the type.

Tbh he sounds awful. I’d dump him for sunbeds alone. Does he not care about the cancer risk?

Previous poster ^ a hobby is fine, keep fit is fine! Two hours a day is just bonkers!

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 08/06/2021 11:07

@PegPeople

I'm not quite sure why everyone is jumping on your DH. Nothing wrong with going to the gym (sunbeds are foolish though), and no reason why hobbies (especially one as healthy as keeping fit) should automatically be dropped when you have a family. Mutual communication and consideration is the key here.

Because anyone with even an ounce of sense can see exactly where this situation is heading. Having a hobby is fine but no one needs a hobby that dominantes every single day and is sacrosanct above everything else.

Anyone thinking that a but of mural communication will prevent this angry partner being a disinterested father who prioritises his sunbed and gym obsession above all else is sadly as deluded as the OP. Sad

Sacrosanct is a great word! Just goggled it as I've never seen it written down before.
starfish4 · 08/06/2021 11:07

In the ideal world, you'd have both discussed it when you knew the workman was coming, knowing you'd both have plans. If you both then wanted to continue your plans, ideally DH could have gone to gym on opening for a shorter time (assuming it opens 8/9am) and you could have put back meeting your friend.

WimpoleHat · 08/06/2021 11:07

I'd permanently stay with the builder! grin

I would too! Practical guy who can actually do some things to help you. Bet he’s not off on sun beds. (Sun beds!! Thought they’d died out in the 1990s…)

PegPeople · 08/06/2021 11:08

Sacrosanct is a great word! Just goggled it as I've never seen it written down before.

It is isn't it and it really sums up situations like this. Feel free to also use it liberally on threads about golfing, cycling and secret hobbies that are too outing.

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/06/2021 11:11

He sounds like a jerk. You need to start negotiating.

Greygreenblue · 08/06/2021 11:12

Are sun beds not illegal there? They are here, or commercial ones are anyway, I think you can own one for personal use.

If he is seriously using the sun bed every day he’s going to look like old leather pretty soon, never mind the cancer risk.

TooMuchPaper · 08/06/2021 11:14

Fast forward
Deadbeat partner continues and probably adds to hobby time
Martyr OP ground down, does everything for baby, house and never gets to go out at all.
Baby probably gets partners surname
OP doesn’t go back to work and gets shafted financially or partner let’s her do everything on top of working outside the home (take your pick)

Add another pregnancy too.

MrsKoala · 08/06/2021 11:15

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No. Because he's totally won and you stayed home like a mug. The right thing would be insisting he change his extremely flexible and unimportant plans for one day. Does he know you stayed home or does he think you've gone out too? If the latter id be tempted to hide his valuables and put dog shit on his pillow and say 'look what's happened darling!' when he got home (obviously joking - but come on open your eyes).

Richter235 · 08/06/2021 11:16

You’re having a baby with him :(

nanbread · 08/06/2021 11:17

Please don't hold back, talk sense into me.

Your husband is a selfish twat who doesn't love you enough to put you first and you'd better get some family or paid for support in place for your DC as you won't get it from him.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/06/2021 11:18

YABU not to leave the builder there on his own. Just out of interest, whats your reason for this?

YANBU to be annoyed at your partner for going to the gym for 2 hours a day.

I notice you're not replying to those posters who asked you what your DP does for a living. Hope he's not unemployed.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 08/06/2021 11:18

Actually, I think that OP's plans do indeed 'trump' those of her partner because for some reason I'm struggling to put my finger on, I suspect that she doesn't pursue a hobby, or engage in a social activity, that necessitates the leaving of the house for at least two hours every single day. He on the other hand does do that. So on the odd occasion that someone needs to stay home with the builders and dog, and forego their 'Club Tropicana' sesh 🙄, it should be him.

An0n0n0n · 08/06/2021 11:19

I am so sick and bloody tired of women undermining themselves by blaming their hormones.

It's also not fucking helpful for women who want to be taken seriously who have had to fight stereotypes of women being hormonal and emotional. So please stop saying it might be your hormomes.

Its not your hormones, yout partner is selfish. Have some confidence in yourself please. X

finished31 · 08/06/2021 11:19

he's going to look like bloody Peter Stringfellow before too long!

This is hilarious 😆

ihtwsf · 08/06/2021 11:19

@MaryB90

Why are you ignoring the many posters asking what his job is? I'd be interested to know what job allows time for 2 hours of gym every morning plus sunbeds.
He is a complete and utter prize prick.
If he cared about you the tiniest bit he would have forgone his gym today so that you could go out with your friend.
This is going to get worse when the baby is born. No time to yourself at all. He won't be doing anything because his gym time is more important and you'll get lumbered with everything.
Then he'll start accusing you of not supporting him or trying to lock him up in prison and not let him go to his precious gym.

He gets my certificate for useless waster of the week.

Chikapu · 08/06/2021 11:19

Does he strut round in a skin-tight t-shirt doing that ridiculous chicken wing thing with his arms?
If I was your friend I'd be livid at being dropped last minute and you need to think very carefully if you want to be with someone who gets at angry at you for wanting to keep prearranged plans.

viques · 08/06/2021 11:20

If he went for a run for an hour in the sun he would not only save himself a huge amount of travelling time, gym time, and gym fees but would also be able to top up his tan for free by utilising the great big yellow sun bed in the sky.

Does he know about sun beds and skin cancer btw? Make sure his life insurance is topped up.