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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being U, me or DP

213 replies

MaryB90 · 08/06/2021 10:07

DP goes to the gym every day for over two hours plus sun bed after, different times every day but usually sometime in the morning.
We have a workman putting a new floor down in the kitchen and lounge as we speak, DP knew my plans for today, I was going to meet a friend who lives an hour away and was going to leave at 10:30am.
He's just announced that he's going to the gym, he told me to lock our dog in the bedroom and leave the workman home alone.
I'm not comfortable doing that, so told him I'll cancel my plans or leave later if my friend is OK with that.
He just got angry with me!

He's gone to the gym and left me annoyed. It could just be my pregnancy hormones.
So who is BU here, me or DP?
Please don't hold back, talk sense into me.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 08/06/2021 13:39

lock the dog in the bedroom? setting aside everything else that is plain nasty on a hot day with a stranger in the house. YA deffo NBU

and yes the problem is that you are having a child with an unpleasant idiot

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 08/06/2021 13:42

@PegPeople

What job does he have where he can swan off for 2+ hours daily and do you genuinely believe this will end when you have the baby.

You've got much bigger problems on the horizon than him wanting to leave builders alone.

This is basically what I came on to say. Also he’s being a knob about today specifically.
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/06/2021 13:43

I did tell him I would like him to tonne it down for at least the first few weeks once baby is born.

That would be funny if it wasn't so sad. You only dared to ask him for so very little "you would like him to tone it down a little for at least the first few weeks " and it doesn't sound as if you can realistically expect even to get that.

Of course first few weeks with a newborn will be hard

So will the next few years.

It would be unfair to make him stop going completely once baby is here imo.

You will soon find out that you can't make him do anything. And he seems the type to call you selfish for even asking.

I would feel sad to say the least if he said I can't do my hobby at all once baby is here.

He doesn't need to say it does he? Because you already stopped before he even asked.

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No, you did the wrong thing by having a baby with the tosser.

ilikemethewayiam · 08/06/2021 13:47

The issue here isn’t to do with how much he goes to the gym. The issue here is that you had plans. He has ridden rough-shot over your plans and prioritised his and then bullied you when challenged! This should concern you a lot more OP, you are being overly passive.

socalledfriend · 08/06/2021 13:51

DP goes to the gym every day for over two hours plus sun bed after

Mate that's not a hobby it's a lifestyle!

You are underreacting - sounds like he is The Boss Of You and Lord of All He Surveys.

Horehound · 08/06/2021 13:52

I think it's fine to leave the workmen.
That's not the problem!

Horehound · 08/06/2021 13:55

Of course first few weeks with a newborn will be hard that's why I have asked him to cut down on the gym for first few weeks.

Lol nothing will change. You do realise that?
You won't get your hobby for 1+year at least after baby is here and he will continue with gym even in first couple of weeks.
Just you wait and see

Peach01 · 08/06/2021 13:57

That's good you've got out but it cant be all about what he wants. If you have plans and there's other responsibilities to be taken care of then he needs to be responsible and learn there's give and take.

BingBongToTheMoon · 08/06/2021 13:58

@MaryB90

Yes this is our first baby and I wouldn't want him to stop going to the gym completely. I understand it's his hobby so it's fine with me but I did tell him I would like him to tonne it down for at least the first few weeks once baby is born. Let's be real here, I'm being naive aren't I Blush
Very, VERY naive. Also....sunbeds?! Cancer much? He's risking his life.
MinnieMountain · 08/06/2021 14:01

What’s your hobby OP?

ScottishNewbie · 08/06/2021 14:03

He's BU

hartwood · 08/06/2021 14:10

I'm being naive aren't I

Sorry but yes, the first few weeks aren't enough. He needs to tone it down forever once the baby is here. Going off somewhere for 2 hours every day is completely unreasonable when you have children. Unless he's willing to give you a 2 hour break from the baby when he gets home of course? I suspect not.

I was surprised you said you'd cancel with your friend so easily. He goes out every day, very selfish of him to refuse to miss one morning.

applespearslemons · 08/06/2021 14:13

Don't either of you work?

timeisnotaline · 08/06/2021 14:15

So if he’s at work and then he goes to the gym oh and his subbed, then it’s what 9:30, presumably he eats,
Then what - you can do your hobby from 10-midnight? Nah, he will go to sleep , tell you he needs his sleep if you argue, and tell you you have all day to yourself so you can do your hobby then. Except of course you can’t because you have a baby. Wait for it.

TheDogsMother · 08/06/2021 14:21

Sunbeds every day ????? Wow

LilMidge01 · 08/06/2021 14:22

@mrsm43s

I don't see the problem with leaving the workman alone. I can't make a judgement re leaving the dog in the bedroom for 2 hours - that would depend on the dog and whether it was used to being left alone and would be happy just snoozing on the bed for a couple of hours.

You had plans, he had plans. If you're not comfortable leaving the workman/dog alone then one of you has to cancel. No one of your plans trumps the other, so its a case of discussing it and coming to a mutual agreement.

I'm not quite sure why everyone is jumping on your DH. Nothing wrong with going to the gym (sunbeds are foolish though), and no reason why hobbies (especially one as healthy as keeping fit) should automatically be dropped when you have a family. Mutual communication and consideration is the key here.

Actually one set of plans does trump the other here. He is going to the gym...something he does not do at the same time each day, as OP has said, therefore is flexible. OP made plans to meet a friend at a particular time. OP staying back home and changing her plans so he can go to the gym is really unfair not only to OP but also rude to her friend. Rescheduling for emergency, or something else,fair enough ...for dickhead to go to the gym for 2 hours at that particular time?! Really not
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/06/2021 14:22

He doesn't have time to have a baby. FT work and three hours out of the house everyday. When's he going to fit in being a dad? The truth is, he won't. You'll do all the parenting. Your hobby will never come back. And when you're boring and 'nag' him he will take his gymbod somewhere else and blame you because you changed.

maskface212 · 08/06/2021 14:24

Is he Joey Essex?

Taliskerskye · 08/06/2021 14:26

Is he Joey Essex?
Grin

LilMidge01 · 08/06/2021 14:28

@Bluedeblue

I can't imagine ever doing this to my DH. Seeing his crushed face at having to cancel his plans, and just waltzing out anyway. He doesn't care about you, does he? But then again, any guy who spends 2 hours at the gym every day, only cares about himself. I bet he's one of those guys who stares at himself in the mirror as he lifts weights.
This in spades. Think about it OP. Wouldnt you feel guilty if you had to make him rearrange his plans just so you could go to the gym for 2 hours? When you knew in advance this was liekly to happen? Well..he didnt. You want him to be able to continue his hobby when baby is born. That's nice. He doesnt seem to give you similar courtesy by facilitating you keeping to your plans with your friend. This is not the actions of someone who cares about you
notthemum · 08/06/2021 14:32

MaryB90
Sweetheart, you are being extremely nieve if you think he is going to change. If you really do think this could happen you need to put your foot down now. Once baby is here it will be too late.
He was being extremely selfish and he needs to know that this is not acceptable.

I am intrigued to know what dog you have that could be left in a bedroom for two hours ?
I appear to definitely be in the minority but I would not want to be leaving a workman in my home alone for any length of time. If there was an absolute emergency I would ask him to leave and come back another time.
Next issue, you are going to need down time of your own over the next 18 years. It is not on for him to sod off every day for two hours. He is going to have to change his gym time so that you both get a little space for youselves. Please learn to stand up for yourself and make sure he understands what is expected of him.

kennelmaid · 08/06/2021 14:32

Am I wrong in worrying about the dog Sad

1forAll74 · 08/06/2021 14:36

Your partner sounds very vain, and selfish, so I would just go out, and do your own thing, and leave the workmen to get on with things.

Sunbeds are horrible unnatural things, A salon in my village had one installed some time ago, apparently a new super duper one, but it was taken away after about two months, as nobody booked to use it. I saw an AD for it, and it was about £40 for 4 minutes use.. It sounded like an electric toaster !

godmum56 · 08/06/2021 14:36

@kennelmaid

Am I wrong in worrying about the dog Sad
no you aren't...its not the most important thing here but it is important.
ineedaholidaynow · 08/06/2021 14:40

Is he going to leave you every evening to deal with bedtime? What is the plan for when you go back to work?