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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who's being U, me or DP

213 replies

MaryB90 · 08/06/2021 10:07

DP goes to the gym every day for over two hours plus sun bed after, different times every day but usually sometime in the morning.
We have a workman putting a new floor down in the kitchen and lounge as we speak, DP knew my plans for today, I was going to meet a friend who lives an hour away and was going to leave at 10:30am.
He's just announced that he's going to the gym, he told me to lock our dog in the bedroom and leave the workman home alone.
I'm not comfortable doing that, so told him I'll cancel my plans or leave later if my friend is OK with that.
He just got angry with me!

He's gone to the gym and left me annoyed. It could just be my pregnancy hormones.
So who is BU here, me or DP?
Please don't hold back, talk sense into me.

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 08/06/2021 10:27

@Anoisagusaris you called?! 😂
OP he is the one being U. He knew you had plans but didn’t want to forego his gym session so suggested a plan that would have meant he didn’t have to feel guilty for still going. You very sensibly have refused to go along with that so now he has the hump, because he knows he’s the one who should be staying in with the workman. This does not bode well for his intentions once baby arrives…

Original poster
MaryB90 · 08/06/2021 10:29

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

OP posts:
PegPeople · 08/06/2021 10:29

Let's be real here, I'm being naive aren't I

You're being walked all over and you're letting him do it without recourse.

No one needs a hobby that takes them out the house 2+ hours a day and if he's not willing to miss a day because you have building work that needs supervising which takes no bloody effort at all he's certainly not going to cut back or tone it down so he can watch his child.

TheWernethWife · 08/06/2021 10:29

I'm being naive aren't I

Yes you are OP, sorry to say that but he won't want to give up or tone down anything once the baby is here, the baby will be totally your responsibility.

PegPeople · 08/06/2021 10:31

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

It's worrying you seem to find this all so amusing and lighthearted.

I honestly feel quite sorry for your future child, this won't end happily.

SaltAndVinegarSandwiches · 08/06/2021 10:32

@MaryB90

Yes this is our first baby and I wouldn't want him to stop going to the gym completely. I understand it's his hobby so it's fine with me but I did tell him I would like him to tonne it down for at least the first few weeks once baby is born. Let's be real here, I'm being naive aren't I Blush
You're not only being naive you're being a massive push over. Once he's a dad he definitely doesn't have time to do any hobby for 2 hours a night. Are you also going to get 2 hours a day to yourself? Of course not. Since he obviously isn't going to step up of his own accord you need to negotiate now how much he's going to cut back.
Anoisagusaris · 08/06/2021 10:33

What are his work hours?

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 08/06/2021 10:35

Why can't the builders be there with out either of you? I'm sure they can still build stuff without being minded.

FuckyouCovid21 · 08/06/2021 10:35

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No. Why couldn't he cancel his plans or go later - he knew you had plans, he sounds like a selfish dick
Sexnotgender · 08/06/2021 10:38

You’re being very naive. You’ll most likely be raising this child plus doing all the housework (and working?) whilst he continues to enjoy his hobby.

Motnight · 08/06/2021 10:38

I think that you will be back on Mumsnet in a years time asking everyone if it is OK for your partner to do absolutely no childcare because he is so busy with the gym and sunbeds.

I hope that I am wrong.

HollowTalk · 08/06/2021 10:38

If he uses the sunbeds every day he's putting himself at huge risk of skin cancer. Not only that (as I doubt this would worry him) sunbeds are incredibly ageing - he's going to look like bloody Peter Stringfellow before too long!

SympathyFatigue · 08/06/2021 10:40

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

No. Nobody agrees. You should have gone out and said to.him he can gym after. Or if dog is ok left it.

Your friend will be delighted.

You're setting yourself away to be mummy martyr already.
'I'll cancel my plans.... you just do whatever'.

Prepare yourself for abandonment after birth

Beetlewing · 08/06/2021 10:41

He is. Although you really shouldn't have played the martyr.

notapizzaeater · 08/06/2021 10:43

He's being a prize dick. That aside, I'd lock the dog in the bedroom and go out and meet your friend. Then when you're both calm have a discussion as it's really not on.

Hoppinggreen · 08/06/2021 10:44

He won’t give up his gym and sunbed (yuk) session to supervise a workman. Will he give it up when you have a baby or will that all be down to you as well?

RichardOsmansShinySuitcase · 08/06/2021 10:45

He is being unreasonable, not you at all, sounds really hard for you especially pregnant :(

Bksjshsbbev2737 · 08/06/2021 10:46

I wouldn’t have left the builder alone so you were right to stay but I think it sounds like miscommunication; he might have known your plans but he may have also assumed you knew that he planned to go to the gym.

Notgoingtobefatformuchlonger · 08/06/2021 10:46

Honestly, just go and meet your friend. I'm sure the dog will just sleep and the builders won't need you. Show them where the toilet/kettle is and let them get on with it.
Don't martyr yourself.

And tell DH that it doesn't matter how fit and healthy he is from going to the gym for 2 hours a day. He is going to get skin cancer anyway.

Karatema · 08/06/2021 10:46

"Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?"

I'd permanently stay with the builder! Grin

Seriously, you need to sit your DP down and tell him he needs to cut his gym habit now so you know he'll step up when baby arrives!

Beetlewing · 08/06/2021 10:47

@MaryB90

He does have an obsession with the gym, when the lockdown hit, the whole house had work out equipment laying around everywhere 😂

Soo does everyone agree I've done the right thing by saying with the builder?

You want us to take your side and of course we are on your side but you have to see there are bigger implications for your relationship if you both don't change.
FinallyHere · 08/06/2021 10:48

I understand it's his hobby so it's fine with me but I did tell him I would like him to tonne it down for at least the first few weeks once baby is born.

You are certainly setting the bar very, very low indeed fir his involvement.

How did you decide to start a family? Is the baby going to be your hobby?

EnidPrunehat · 08/06/2021 10:49

Trust me, nobody 'tones things down' in these circumstances and certainly not as a result of their partner assuming they will. Instead they usually carry on behaving in a totally selfish manner while childcare gets added to the list of stuff that is carried by you alone.

In this instance, clearly someone needs to stay with the dog and the builder but it never needed to be you.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/06/2021 10:49

He is

Topseyt · 08/06/2021 10:52

He is being unreasonable and I strongly suspect you are deluded if you think he has any intention of cutting back on his gym and sunbed (!!!!!) time once the baby has arrived.

I would almost guarantee that he will suddenly find that he needs his 2+ hours of downtime away from the demands of a baby every single day. He will continue to swan off and leave you with all of the childcare drudgery because he will consider that "your job."

Meanwhile, you will get next to no break from the 24/7 demands that come with looking after a young baby, and yes, it really is round the clock.