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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

324 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 00:04

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 08/06/2021 00:09

No 14 year old wants to think about their mum having sex, in the room next door, or waking up to a half naked man walking along the landing.

dogsandall · 08/06/2021 00:14

I think given its only been eight months that you maybe need to give your daughter some more time to get used to sharing her home.

RoseRedRoseBlue · 08/06/2021 00:18

I am always astounded and pleased when I see how much say children have in their home lives these days. When I was 11/12, my mother moved the most awful, hard drinking, racist man in to the home and life for my brother and I was never the same again. We begged her to get rid of him, but she was utterly selfish and by this point, had a severe alcohol problem herself. Unsurprisingly, things soon became domestically violent and it has done irreversible damage to us all. Well done for considering your children’s feelings.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 08/06/2021 00:28

If they both stay over where is his daughter sleeping? If you’re expecting your daughter to share her room I can see why she’d have a problem with that.

It’s tricky once to get to that age. It’s not just about now compatible you and him are, if the kids aren’t compatible too it’s a non starter IMO.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 00:30

BluebellsGreenbells, fully agree. Yes, she would have the whole 'mum having sex' concept. She would never see a half naked man (lol) because he's very conservative. I'm keen for him to spend a bit more time here because he's a fantastic role model which is something her father wasnt. I want her to know how a man should treat a lady so she knows what to accept and what not to accept when she's older. I'm happy to tell him no but it will be awkward. His last relationship was abusive (to him) and he's a sensitive soul. I think he'll understand but it will hurt his feelings if I'm honest about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 00:33

Littlefluffyclouds81, I have a spare bedroom that she would stay in. They have stayed before and it's been a bit awkward mainly because my dd, is shy and stays in her room. She is with me 100% of the time so it's hard for us to see each other at the best of times.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 08/06/2021 00:41

Have you done the Freedom Programme? You should. If your new partner is all you suggest his feelings wouldn’t be hurt in this situation. He would absolutely understand . He doesn’t, so give that some thought.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 08/06/2021 00:43

Oh that’s not so bad then. If she’s shy if probably is a bit awkward for her to have what is essentially a random girl a little younger than her staying in the house. It’s so much easier when they’re younger, they just seem to be like ‘oh hello, you’re small, I’m small, wanna go and play?’ 🤣. But 12/14 is tricky, I think maybe you’ll have to just let your dd get to know her slowly and hopefully they’ll form a friendship over time, maybe some days/meals out? Is she with your bf all the time? If not it would be easy enough for him to stay when he doesn’t have his dd, as it seems that’s the thing your dd is most uncomfortable with. If your bf is a nice guy I’m sure he’ll understand and be prepared to treat the situation with some sensitivity.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 00:57

Littlefluffyclouds81, you are right. Tricky ages. My bfs work is shift work. Mine is 9-6. He has his daughter every night off and every afternoon after school. They live almost an hour away. It's not easy at all but we really like each other so we are trying our best to make it work.
Thanks so much for your thoughts. I was worried that I was either being unreasonable in asking my dd to accept an occasional sleepover or on the other hand, giving her too much of a voice in this.

OP posts:
PerveenMistry · 08/06/2021 01:27

Don't force on her the idea that any man's hurt feelings are more important than hers.

Get hotel rooms or something till she's older. This is just gross after only 8 months and in a pandemic to boot.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 08/06/2021 02:16

Once or twice a week over 8 months is not that long to get to know someone properly. Maybe your daughter would feel like it would be having a strange man in the house. Bad enough at the best of times, but when you're a teenager too. Must feel like the height of awkwardness for her.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 02:58

PerveenMistry, thanks for your thoughts. I'm in Australia in an area where Covid cases have been pretty much nil the last 12 months. I'm not forcing anything on anyone so I don't think words like condescending phrases like 'thats just gross' apply. I'm doing the right thing by her in asking for others people's ideas to help give me clarity in making this decision. Thank you though. I'll have a talk to him and I would be surprised if he isn't understanding given he has a daughter of similar age. Having said that, I know he will be a little hurt because he's a softy like me and I know that I would be a bit hurt, logic aside.
Thanks again everyone. Stay safe.

OP posts:
Kidson · 08/06/2021 03:24

It’s a hard one, I’m not sure there is a right or wrong. Either way, it’s not gross Confused

Providora · 08/06/2021 03:40

I think it's understandable that she's not ready, and it should be OK for you to say to your boyfriend 'X just isn't ready yet' without him being offended. If his reaction is anything other than mildly disappointed while still being 100% understanding, I agree with pps that you might have a problem.

(and yes I have navigated these waters myself Smile)

Josette77 · 08/06/2021 03:58

8 months is not long at all. I think you need to step back a bit.

Castlepeak · 08/06/2021 04:35

She shouldn’t be pressured to accept overnights or to integrate him into family life. You can’t speed up the timetable just because of inconvenient geography.

Graphista · 08/06/2021 04:41

Your dds dignity and feeling of safety v a grown man's ego...

You know what you SHOULD do

And tbh I think children should only just be gradually getting to know a parents new partner FROM around 6 month stage and sleepovers shouldn't happen until at least 12 months in and not in such a way any dc are uncomfortable with

It's not easy at all but we really like each other so we are trying our best to make it work

You're prioritising your desires/wants for your relationship over the needs of your child

See this so often sadly

Given the long distance nature of the relationship at this stage YOU barely know him let alone your shy and vulnerable dd

Prioritise your child properly don't just pay lip service to it

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 08/06/2021 05:32

I wouldn’t let anyone tell me who I could and couldn’t have in my home. She’s a child, he sounds lovely and you should totally have them over. Stop letting her dictate your life.

GiantToadstool · 08/06/2021 05:43

My mum put boyfriends ahead of our feelings and it was awful.

I'm not sure of the answer though as presumably in the flip side you dont want to wait until she leaves home.

MiddleParking · 08/06/2021 05:52

I'm happy to tell him no but it will be awkward. His last relationship was abusive (to him) and he's a sensitive soul. I think he'll understand but it will hurt his feelings if I'm honest about it.

Reading this, I’d be wary, to be honest.

Generallymessy · 08/06/2021 05:57

That’s a tricky one. When my parents had partners to stay I found it very hard, but at the same time...life goes on. But perhaps if you should some respect and sensitivity on this occasion then it will help her on her journey of getting to know him and acceptance. If it ends up being long term though, she will have to get used to it. Maybe that sounds harsh but you have to think of yourself too.

Generallymessy · 08/06/2021 05:59

Yes, agree with above poster too, be wary about him being ‘sensitive soul’. Regardless of his past he should be able to be sensitive your daughter’s needs!

joystir59 · 08/06/2021 06:04

It concerns me that you are worried about upsetting his feelings by talking honestly with him about your daughter's feelings. This dynamic is unhealthy.

traumatisednoodle · 08/06/2021 06:04

I want her to know how a man should treat a lady

For this alone YABU, then I read you are in Australia so maybe the undertones are different. But this phrase makes me think of old fashioned misogyny the type of man who won't let women pay and like them dependant and helpless on the pretence of "looking after" them. Yuck not something I'd want my 14yo Dd exposed to TBH.

Providora · 08/06/2021 06:17

@traumatisednoodle

I want her to know how a man should treat a lady

For this alone YABU, then I read you are in Australia so maybe the undertones are different. But this phrase makes me think of old fashioned misogyny the type of man who won't let women pay and like them dependant and helpless on the pretence of "looking after" them. Yuck not something I'd want my 14yo Dd exposed to TBH.

Nope, I'm Aussie and found that phrase equally yuck. If the OP just means they are role modelling good relationships, fine, but the wording felt off.