AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

[FeelingUnsureNow]

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

[quote JocastaNu]@soreenqueen21

It's 8 months, not five, and presumably she's been talking to him on the phone outside of those twice weekly meet ups. Plenty of time to get to know someone. And again, she's talking about one night, not moving him in. Seems like sensible baby steps to me. And I'm talking from the perspective of someone with parents who did not take things slowly.[/quote]
For much of that 8 months if they live a distance apart they wouldn't have been able to meet up at all, and for most of it, only outside for walks.

@PolkadotFlamingos

They are in Australia where there have been limited restrictions since last year. Does no one read the thread anymore?

14 is a delicate age. You should pay attention to her POV.

Does your daughter have to share her room with his? No wonder she's not happy. She may also feel rather shy about having a male stranger around the house /bathroom when he or she might not be fully clothed.

It's not "ridiculous" to teach your children that they should set their boundaries of what they are comfortable with and that these should be respected, particularly within their own home.
What about the mother's right to her own boundaries and who she spends her time and space with? Why does the child get to have the final say? To me that gives a message that the mothers needs are less important, often something mothers struggle with after divorce anyway.

A home is by default a shared space. Children don't get to control who comes in or out.
If the daughter has her own safe space in the home and isn't forced to share that I don't see the issue.
All this "you are emotionally damaging your children!" is hyperbole and actually very unhelpful to someone who probably is already having a hard time in the aftermath of divorce.

The girls do NOT share a bedroom.

@QuentinBunbury

Oh come on I doubt you;re actually struggling to understand this. A home is somewhere everyone should feel comfortable in. It's a safe space. OP has asked her DD whether she feels comfortable with this new man in her house and she has said she doesn't. It's absolutely right that OP waits a bit longer so that her DD is able to feel comfortable in her own home.

Yes when you're a parent usually you do need to prioritise you're growing children for a few years and that might mean you can't invite new partners into the home as quickly as you would if you weresingle and living alone. No one is saying OP can't have a boyfriend and eventually have him to stay over. They're just pointing out that the schedule will be different when you have a child.

@Ninkanink

It starts early, the whole ‘make yourself uncomfortable to make men happy’ indoctrination.

Exactly this.

[quote JocastaNu]@PolkadotFlamingos

They are in Australia where there have been limited restrictions since last year. Does no one read the thread anymore?[/quote]
I missed that part, I apologise.

@QuentinBunbury

It's not "ridiculous" to teach your children that they should set their boundaries of what they are comfortable with and that these should be respected, particularly within their own home. What about the mother's right to her own boundaries and who she spends her time and space with? Why does the child get to have the final say? To me that gives a message that the mothers needs are less important, often something mothers struggle with after divorce anyway.

A home is by default a shared space. Children don't get to control who comes in or out.
If the daughter has her own safe space in the home and isn't forced to share that I don't see the issue.
All this "you are emotionally damaging your children!" is hyperbole and actually very unhelpful to someone who probably is already having a hard time in the aftermath of divorce.

I answered this question already but I'll repost it for you:

Nobody is saying that mothers should be martyrs or not have new relationships if things don't work out with their children's father. But there is no reason that can't be done separately from the children and their home life if trying to force the two together would be damaging for the children as it is in many, many cases. In this case it's clear that it would be for the OP's daughter, from her reaction to it. The OP can have a relationship with this man if she wishes to without him staying overnight in her house.

When you have children you are making a commitment to put their needs above your own for at least 18 years, come what may. If you're not prepared to do that then don't have children. It's all very well to talk about the need to put one's own needs first when talking about relationships between adults but in a parent/ child relationship this isn't appropriate as the child is not in a position to do so for themselves so it is inequal and it is the parent's job to prioritise the child's wellbeing.

Her 14 year old can't realistically decide to move out and walk away as an adult could if they weren't happy with a living situation. That is why in a parent/ child relationship the parent must prioritise the child as the child does not have the freedom an adult has to walk away from an unhealthy/ damaging situation. Surely this is obvious??

@QuentinBunbury

It's not "ridiculous" to teach your children that they should set their boundaries of what they are comfortable with and that these should be respected, particularly within their own home. What about the mother's right to her own boundaries and who she spends her time and space with? Why does the child get to have the final say? To me that gives a message that the mothers needs are less important, often something mothers struggle with after divorce anyway.

A home is by default a shared space. Children don't get to control who comes in or out.
If the daughter has her own safe space in the home and isn't forced to share that I don't see the issue.
All this "you are emotionally damaging your children!" is hyperbole and actually very unhelpful to someone who probably is already having a hard time in the aftermath of divorce.

So to be clear, nobody comes into our house that any member of the household is uncomfortable having here, because it is home for all of us.

@soreenqueen21

All this "you are emotionally damaging your children!" is hyperbole and actually very unhelpful to someone who probably is already having a hard time in the aftermath of divorce

The children are likely having a harder time in the aftermath of the divorce, and should come first. Mom wanting sex is less important than children feeling unsafe.

⬆️⬆️⬆️ This.

@JocastaNu

Jesus Christ some of the comments on here are ridiculous. From the way posters are reacting, people would be forgiven for thinking she was moving some bloke in she met five minutes ago!

OP, speaking as someone whose parents literally did move partners in that they met five minutes ago after they divorced, I think you are doing an amazing job so far juggling the needs of everyone around you. I honestly don't see any long term harm in letting your boyfriend of 8 months stay over occasionally. Your daughter will eventually get used to the idea, she's old enough to understand that her Mum needs companionship as well, and that her needs don't always come first. I'd start with the one night as planned and see where it goes from there.

The BF has already been staying overnight in their home since 5 months.

The OP hasn’t said when she introduced him to her DC - I assume it wasn’t on the first night he stayed?

She also hasn’t said when the BF DD 12 was introduced to her DCs.

What we do know is that her DD14 has been uncomfortable about this pace for some time by her actions and is now finding her voice to express her concern about another level of blending that is to be imposed. She may well have anxieties that this will become a regular situation every weekend.

The OP needs to explore her DDs concerns and give her the time, respect and understanding that she deserves.

These DCs have had a really tough start in life with the collapse of their family and the ongoing issues with their own DF. This will have left them with emotional deficits which the OP can choose to prioritise supporting and encouraging so that they can cope better with life. This is evidenced in the clinginess of the DD at 14 - it suggests a emotionally developmental delay and specific need due to the circumstances of her childhood. She is emotionally vulnerable and requires extra support and encouragement through these difficult teen years so that her confidence is restored. This should be the priority for the OP.

Having being in your daughter's situation when I was a similar age (albeit without any extra children involved), I'm sympathetic towards her, but you do have to draw a line. I was never comfortable with my now stepdad staying over. I was jealous and I couldn't bear the thought of them having sex. If my mum had done everything how I dictated, she probably would be very lonely now instead of being married for 20 years to her soulmate.
Chances are if you give her more time, she'll want more time after that. And then more time after because she knows that she will get what she wants. When is the right time? For you, now. For her; weeks, months, years, never.
It's really hard to get the balance right. You do have to take her feelings into account, but she can't dictate this to you indefinitely.
I moved out when I was 17 as I was still resentful. At nearly 40, I'm embarrassed by my behaviour and realise how difficult it is to try and keep everyone, including yourself, happy.

When you have children you are making a commitment to put their needs above your own for at least 18 years, come what may. If you're not prepared to do that then don't have children. It's all very well to talk about the need to put one's own needs first when talking about relationships between adults but in a parent/ child relationship this isn't appropriate as the child is not in a position to do so for themselves so it is inequal and it is the parent's job to prioritise the child's wellbeing

In your opinion.
In my opinion part of helping your kids to develop into healthy, happy adults is to teach then to respect other peoples wants and needs as well as their own, to compromise and to see that sometimes they are not going to like what's happening.

I don't want to raise entitled children who expect to control what others are doing around them. I left a controlling marriage with an entitled exH and have thought about how he came to be like that.

I think allowing teenagers to think they can make demands about who the parent has as a guest in their home is training them to discount others needs and therefore is the opposite of "prioritising the child's wellbeing"

Also, out of interest are you divorced or a parent of teens? Or is this a theoretical position?

Children don't become "entitled" when parents give them a stable home life and don't try to involve them in their relationships.

No, again, read my posts: it is not theoretical. I am a single parent and I also had a mother who took your attitude to this and it did immense damage to me and my siblings.

@KurtWilde

Bagmoyo but her daughter is under no obligation to accept the presence of a stranger in her home any more than an adult would! Why do DCs have to accept things that some adults wouldn't be expected to??

I’ve accepted a long line of strangers in my home, as all parents do, when their kids bring friends round! Of course they’re not strangers now, but they were at first.

Home is your daughter's safe space. I4 is an age when a girl is learning boundaries in regard to men, how close/in her face is comfortable. Even more important, is for her to learn that when her instincts are uneasy, she can speak up , tell, not feel that she's the one being silly or making a fuss. Above all. she needs to know that the needs of a man don't automatically trump the comfort of a woman.

      OP, this is not about "letting a child rule the roost".  It's about  supporting a pubescent girl; through a  tricky stage of  her social and sexual maturation.   Right now, she's not ready for BF  to stay over. 

In a couple of years, as she matures , that could change.

    Meanwhile  he's got his own daughter' to consider , and once she hits puberty perhaps she'll feel less sanguine about  sleep-overs to accommodate Dad's  sex life.  It really should not be too hard for him, as a  "sensitive" man and  father, to understand  OP's daughter needs more space and time.

@Graphista

Your dds dignity and feeling of safety v a grown man's ego...

You know what you SHOULD do

And tbh I think children should only just be gradually getting to know a parents new partner FROM around 6 month stage and sleepovers shouldn't happen until at least 12 months in and not in such a way any dc are uncomfortable with

It's not easy at all but we really like each other so we are trying our best to make it work

You're prioritising your desires/wants for your relationship over the needs of your child

See this so often sadly

Given the long distance nature of the relationship at this stage YOU barely know him let alone your shy and vulnerable dd

Prioritise your child properly don't just pay lip service to it

This is so unfair. The OP isn't paying lip service to anything but is trying to do the best all round. As a parent your children are your priority but not to the extent it excludes all chances of your own happiness. Children are happy when their parents are happy. There are alot of dynamics here around shifting needs and perceptions of priorities in the family, but to say the OP us paying lip service to the needs of their children is just not correct.

Thing is polka in my experience it's not about them feeling unsafe at home, it's about them not wanting their mum to have a boyfriend. So they get upset that you talk on the phone, or you stay at their house, or you know their kids better.
Ultimately if the adult decides they want a relationship then they have to draw a line somewhere and that's an individual choice. Personally I don't think its unreasonable for boyfriend and daughter to stay over when there's a particular thing on - in this case the football.

I'd agree if she was moving the boyfriend in but she isn't. She just wants to spend time with him.

Also I'm not sure why many posters are implying this is about OP wanting sex. She clearly said it was because he lives far away and they want to have a wine while watching the footy. There's no suggestion of any inappropriate sex.

And even if they do have sex, if its quietly in the privacy of mums own room it's absolutely none of the children's business. In the same way as I'm sensitive to what my teens might be up to in their rooms with the door shut and make sure to give them space/knock. What happens behind a closed bedroom door is noone else's business

@TheSoapyFrog I moved out when I was 17 as I was still resentful - it’s really sad that you endured this through you teenage years and felt the need to move out of your so young. It would have been better if your DM had talked to you, considered your needs etc - I doubt that the OP wants this to be the outcome for her DD.

From re reading the OPs posts it seems that the DD as well as the BF have already been staying over from month 5 and the OPs DD has only now spoken up (although her actions were telling).

It seems that the pace isn’t right for the OPs DD - as she doesn’t dislike the BF or his DD (so far) - so this needs consideration.

As have I @Bagamoyo1 but that's been my choice.