AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

[FeelingUnsureNow]

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

Agree polkadot you absolutely do have to provide a safe and stable home for children for the next 5, 10, 15 years depending on the age of the child. There are LOADS of things I did before I had kids that I wouldn’t do now and one of those things is having blokes sleep over.

It feels a worry you think it will be awkward and he offended if you say no.

I mean is that not the worst example you are giving to them? To show them that as a woman you are at the mercy of what other people do/think and will always put anyone else first before yourself? That the ‘correct’ attitude is to ignore your own feeling, needs and wants for the sake of others?

The worst example to them is that their mother would force them to have a man she barely knows stay in their house if it makes them feel uncomfortable, because it might hurt his feelings if she says no to that. It shows very poor boundaries and a disregard for the safety and wellbeing of children in your care because it's inconvenient for you to show them basic respect.

Nobody is saying that mothers should be martyrs or not have new relationships if things don't work out with their children's father. But there is no reason that can't be done separately from the children and their home life if trying to force the two together would be damaging for the children as it is in many, many cases. In this case it's clear that it would be for the OP's daughter, from her reaction to it. The OP can have a relationship with this man if she wishes to without him staying overnight in her house.

When you have children you are making a commitment to put their needs above your own for at least 18 years, come what may. If you're not prepared to do that then don't have children. It's all very well to talk about the need to put one's own needs first when talking about relationships between adults but in a parent/ child relationship this isn't appropriate as the child is not in a position to do so for themselves so it is inequal and it is the parent's job to prioritise the child's wellbeing.

Her 14 year old can't realistically decide to move out and walk away as an adult could if they weren't happy with a living situation. That is why in a parent/ child relationship the parent must prioritise the child as the child does not have the freedom an adult has to walk away from an unhealthy/ damaging situation. Surely this is obvious??

No wonder we have a generation of young people who can’t cope with the ups and downs of life if we present normal things like relationships to them as traumatising. Introducing a steady partner is not playing happy families. Of course there are compromises to be made-we only moved in together after 10 years because we didn’t want to destabilise our teenage children, but socialising and holidaying was fine. It’s all perspective-parading multiple partners would not be a good idea, but introducing a man who she’s been seeing for several months and having him at the house occasionally-nothing wrong with it.

@PolkadotFlamingos

Completely agree.

However unpalatable it may sounf to some, when you have children you make a commitment to prioritise THEIR needs ahead of your own.

It is a HUGE commitment and not one to take lightly.

The OP's children have been through a very traumatic time and have zero involvement with their father.

The last thing she needs is anothermale adult foisted on her.

She needs peace and space to heal from the trauma of her parents marriage.

Certainly not having to acclimatise to another adult male and his child.

8 months is nothing.

OP,
You need to conduct your private life, privately, and allow your children to heal.

You will come to bitterly regret your choices if you ignore your daughter at this time.

@Subbaxeo

No wonder we have a generation of young people who can’t cope with the ups and downs of life if we present normal things like relationships to them as traumatising. Introducing a steady partner is not playing happy families. Of course there are compromises to be made-we only moved in together after 10 years because we didn’t want to destabilise our teenage children, but socialising and holidaying was fine. It’s all perspective-parading multiple partners would not be a good idea, but introducing a man who she’s been seeing for several months and having him at the house occasionally-nothing wrong with it.

I think you'll find that one of the key underpinnings of "resilience" (🤢) is a stable and secure family relationship. Young people are not more likely to become successful adults from having their home life disrupted - particularly in their teens - by having their mother's new boyfriend and child foisted on them in their home. If you have found any research to the contrary then please cite it.

Jesus Christ some of the comments on here are ridiculous. From the way posters are reacting, people would be forgiven for thinking she was moving some bloke in she met five minutes ago!

OP, speaking as someone whose parents literally did move partners in that they met five minutes ago after they divorced, I think you are doing an amazing job so far juggling the needs of everyone around you. I honestly don't see any long term harm in letting your boyfriend of 8 months stay over occasionally. Your daughter will eventually get used to the idea, she's old enough to understand that her Mum needs companionship as well, and that her needs don't always come first. I'd start with the one night as planned and see where it goes from there.

She is a child. Of course her need to feel secure in her own home should come first.

Speaking as a single parent and the daughter of a mother who brought unwanted men into our home.

*saraclara

How do single parents who have their kids with them 100% of the time, ever have a new relationship then? Especially of the other person also had parental commitments.

I seriously don't understand posts such as 'get a hotel room' and 'DD shouldn't have to have anyone in her house that she doesn't want'. And this is eight months on. Which apparently is a nanosecond as far as most MN ers are concerned.

I really don't understand how dates and sex and getting to know each other can even happen under such strict 'rules'.

They get babysitters and go out. What they don't do, if they have any sense, is have guys they barely know sleeping over in the house with their kids.*

Exactly. I have my kids 100% of the time. You pay for babsitters, grab moments where you can and you have less sex than you would like. I am pretty surprised so many people feel it's ok for a boyfriend of 8 months and his child to sleep over when one child, at a really vulnerable age is not happy about it. Home has to be a safe place and putting the child first means that sometimes these things take longer to get going than we'd like

Why does his daughter need to stay over too?

OP,
Your daughter sounds as if she would definitely benefit from some counselling.

She oscillates between independence and clinging to you, indicative of insecurity and trauma from her years living with her father.

Her father sounds absolutely dreadful and it would be very strange if she and your son aren't damaged.

Counselling while she is still young could help her understand how she feels and put her on a stronger footing in her life.

Some family sessions could be very helpful too, to help ye all move forward.

I think you tell her if your it allowed sleep overs, then she must see that she isn't allowed them either.

I mean is that not the worst example you are giving to them? To show them that as a woman you are at the mercy of what other people do/think and will always put anyone else first before yourself? That the ‘correct’ attitude is to ignore your own feeling, needs and wants for the sake of others?

Sounds like OP is setting a good example by considering the feelings of other members of the household before she lets a new man into their home. Doing what you want with no regard to anyone else's feelings is not the example you want to set. She's also teaching her DD that her feelings and comfort levels are important and should be respected.

This is a new man on the scene and the DD is a young teenager. It's absolutely natural she isn't ready to have him in her home quite yet.

@Whythesadface

I think you tell her if your it allowed sleep overs, then she must see that she isn't allowed them either.

Wow. Do you mean that a 14 year-old would otherwise be ok to have a boyfriend sleep over?!

Or are you saying the OP's DD should be punished by not being allowed sleepovers with her friends if she's unhappy about her mother's new boyfriend sleeping in the house?

Either way, what a bizarre and horrible comment.

I think you’re going to have to just tell him and tbh if he gets offended I’d take that as a big red flag.

@Whythesadface

I think you tell her if your it allowed sleep overs, then she must see that she isn't allowed them either.

Horrific attitude. What’s wrong with you??

She oscillates between independence and clinging to you, indicative of insecurity and trauma from her years living with her father.

I’d say that was wholly appropriate for a young teenager. That stage of human development is all about finding a sense of identity separate from your parents, while still needing their care and protection and oscillating between the two is entirely appropriate. Let’s not start pathologising a teenager for wanting her home to feel a safe space and needing her mum.

I often find it odd how polarised comments can be on threads on MN.

Of course you should be able to have a relationship if you are a single parent and shouldn’t have your whole life determined by your child.
However ....
Equally I think it reasonable to wait longer than 5-8 months into a relationship (especially during a pandemic) to start overnights. Inevitable overnights will be a step towards spending more time with each other, so it most likely won’t be a one off...it’s a progression and a move towards more.

There is a middle ground. Personally I think waiting a little longer (another 6 months or so) is fairly reasonable. In that time you can do overnights at your partners or when your daughter is elsewhere. You can work on them getting to know each other better and give it a little more time for relationships to develop abs for everyone to feel more comfortable.

It starts early, the whole ‘make yourself uncomfortable to make men happy’ indoctrination.

I think you'll find that one of the key underpinnings of "resilience" (🤢) is a stable and secure family relationship. Young people are not more likely to become successful adults from having their home life disrupted - particularly in their teens - by having their mother's new boyfriend and child foisted on them in their home. If you have found any research to the contrary then please cite it.

Oh don't be ridiculous. One sleepover is not "having a boyfriend and child foisted on them"
op it's really tricky. To put the other side, I have a partner of 3 years and we have 2 teenagers each. His were fine with me so I stay over there a lot. Mine are far less fine with him and I respected that, so they've seen him far less.
Now my teens are jealous that I have a good relationship with his children
You can't win. Loads of people posting on here haven't been in this situation and are being extremely judgy. But I can't see how having him stay over occasionally is going to be any more damaging than having any other adults stay.

Can you talk to your daughter about when would be reasonable for him to stay over? Let her know that it will happen eventually but that you’re listening to her and giving her more time. It’ll be good for you to see his reaction if you put him off staying for another 6 months.

@soreenqueen21

It's 8 months, not five, and presumably she's been talking to him on the phone outside of those twice weekly meet ups. Plenty of time to get to know someone. And again, she's talking about one night, not moving him in. Seems like sensible baby steps to me. And I'm talking from the perspective of someone with parents who did not take things slowly.

@QuentinBunbury

I think you'll find that one of the key underpinnings of "resilience" (🤢) is a stable and secure family relationship. Young people are not more likely to become successful adults from having their home life disrupted - particularly in their teens - by having their mother's new boyfriend and child foisted on them in their home. If you have found any research to the contrary then please cite it.

Oh don't be ridiculous. One sleepover is not "having a boyfriend and child foisted on them"
op it's really tricky. To put the other side, I have a partner of 3 years and we have 2 teenagers each. His were fine with me so I stay over there a lot. Mine are far less fine with him and I respected that, so they've seen him far less.
Now my teens are jealous that I have a good relationship with his children
You can't win. Loads of people posting on here haven't been in this situation and are being extremely judgy. But I can't see how having him stay over occasionally is going to be any more damaging than having any other adults stay.

You can win, by not involving your children in your new relationships.

It's not "ridiculous" to teach your children that they should set their boundaries of what they are comfortable with and that these should be respected, particularly within their own home.