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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

324 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 00:04

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

OP posts:
TTCAbroad · 08/06/2021 06:34

You mentioned that you want your daughter to see how a man should treat a lady.

Well this is an excellent example - your daughter is a young lady and he should demonstrate that he understands and respects her feelings by not (as your daughter sees it) invading her space. It sounds like your daughter might need more time to get to know him.

Faevern · 08/06/2021 06:37

I want her to know how a man should treat a lady so she knows what to accept and what not to accept when she's older.

Well you could start by not worrying about hurting his feelings when you say no. If he is that good a role model he will accept everyone's boundaries.

Expecting your DD to accept a stranger staying in her home v hurting your BF feelings? No question really.

LeafBeetle · 08/06/2021 06:41

At eight months, I think it would be unfair on your DD to go against her wishes. However, I do think that in the longer term this would be a reasonable solution, so it's a question of talking to her, understanding what her problems are with the idea and working through ways to make her feel better about it.

FunTimes2020 · 08/06/2021 06:41

@PerveenMistry

Don't force on her the idea that any man's hurt feelings are more important than hers.

Get hotel rooms or something till she's older. This is just gross after only 8 months and in a pandemic to boot.

Gross? A bit OTT Hmm
MRex · 08/06/2021 06:45

You're rushing and thinking of compromising your daughter's needs based on his previous relationship, which you actually know nothing about. That's very troubling. So early in a relationship it should be all about meeting individually and occasional family introductions starting now. That's a bike ride, a picnic, a meal out - not a sleepover!! Slow down, take a step or two back and start again properly. If the boyfriend is "hurt" enough to not respect the entire family's needs then bin him and find another one.

FilthyforFirth · 08/06/2021 06:48

8 months, during a pandemic, is no time at all. I never understand why women rush me into their childrens lives. She isn't ok with it, so that should be the end of it.

FilthyforFirth · 08/06/2021 06:48

*men

JinglePies · 08/06/2021 06:54

8 months? No. I wouldn’t consider this. What is the rush for him to sleep over? Terrible example for tour children. 8 months is nothing. In the same situation, I wouldn’t have a bf “sleeping over” until we were ready to make a firm commitment to one another. Staying over in a separate room WITH his daughter? Sure! Very obviously in your room, no!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 08/06/2021 06:57

Your bf isn't lounging around the house in his pants, his DD isn't sharing your DD's bedroom... I think she just need to accept them staying occasionally.

If she wants to spend most of the time in her room that's up to her, but she can be polite, say hello to them and join you for meals.

You might not like her best mate, but I expect you tolerate sleep overs etc.

It's occasional sleep overs, not like you're moving them in! The boys & his DD are fine, your daughter will come around if you're all having fun!

Totallyrandomname · 08/06/2021 07:00

I agree with most others here. I’d listen to her concerns and delay the sleep over and give more time for your dd to be comfortable with the situation.

Also as some others have said this is totally reasonable and although he might be disappointed it shouldn’t be a big deal or hurt his feelings.

Do your children ever stay with their father or friends? Night a compromise be him staying over when they’re having a night elsewhere.

MadeOfStarStuff · 08/06/2021 07:00

YABU

Your daughters need to feel safe in her home is more important than you wanting to shack up with your boyfriend of 8 months.

And I don’t know if it’s just the language you’re using but something isn’t sitting right about this “sensitive soul” of a man who would be upset that you’re prioritising your daughter. If he’s a good role model he should be modelling respecting boundaries, including hers.

Lulola · 08/06/2021 07:02

OP hasn’t said she’s ignoring her DD feelings or anything like that, or that she’s worried about hurting his ego! She’s obviously disappointed because she’s met someone she likes and would like to integrate him into her life more. I feel she’s getting a lot of unnecessary stick, it’s obvious what she meant by modelling a healthy relationship to her daughter and there is nothing gross about any of it.

Glad you’ve found someone you really like OP, hopefully with time your DD will come round to the idea of them being around more.

Iknowyouknow · 08/06/2021 07:08

How often would they be staying?

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 07:20

traumatisednoodle, not what I meant at all. My ex had serious mental health issues, never worked and overall, didn't treat me very nicely. He was also very lazy and not much into talking. My bf has a stable, long term job, is always polite and has great conversational skills. I make double his income so we always alternate who pays and I rarely let him pay unless it's his turn, so to speak. I probably didn't write it properly but it was meant more around the fact that her dad wasn't a good role model.
The sleepover this week was because we have a big football match coming up (televised from 8pm) and we were going to watch it all together. My dd didn't watch it last year so I figured she wouldn't this year either. I half organised the sleepover so we could have a glass of wine while watching. My dd complained after I asked her, claiming that she wanted her and I to watch it with no one else around. She's very independent when it suits her (plays sport 3 times a week, works pt and has a lot of friends that often come over and sleep over) and very clingy when she thinks my attention might be focused elsewhere. Her dad was very controlling and I worry sometimes that by giving in to her, I'm letting her go the same as her dad did.
There's always a lot of details being the scenes that are too much information to write in a post but in any case, I'll let him know tonight that the plan won't proceed. He'll be a little disappointed but I'm sure he'll be fine.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 08/06/2021 07:22

She said she isn’t keen on his 12 year old DD. I suspect that she is concerned that she has to blend / entertain the DD more so than her DB whilst you two do your own thing?

That does sound invasive and too much for her in her own home.

I suspect that her own childhood has issues due to her family breakdown - she is staying in her room - excluded / isolated from her own family home......prioritise her.

Why does the DD have to come?

Why are you pushing to “blend” if there is resistance from your child. How would you feel if this happened in your childhood?

GiantToadstool · 08/06/2021 07:23

Its normal for a child to want you and need time with you when not being "independent" and out with friends.

Don't make her out to be the problem.

Iamtheweedonkey · 08/06/2021 07:24

@OneMamaAndHerGirl

I wouldn’t let anyone tell me who I could and couldn’t have in my home. She’s a child, he sounds lovely and you should totally have them over. Stop letting her dictate your life.
It's the child's home too, shouldn't she feel safe? A few red flags already, a 'sensitive soul' had a bad relationship towards him. I'd put my children first and foremost every single time, their needs comes ahead of any boyfriend of 8 months.
Bluedeblue · 08/06/2021 07:29

I want her to know how a man should treat a lady

For this alone YABU, then I read you are in Australia so maybe the undertones are different. But this phrase makes me think of old fashioned misogyny the type of man who won't let women pay and like them dependant and helpless on the pretence of "looking after" them. Yuck not something I'd want my 14yo Dd exposed to TBH

"Most ridiculous thing ever posted on MN award" goes to this poster ^^

Yeah, let's not want our daughters to be treated nicely by their Partners. Who the fuck wants a nice guy? Hmm

motogogo · 08/06/2021 07:30

I think sometimes we need to be firm and tell kids that they need to get over it. My dd wasn't keen at first but I simply stated I was allowed to be happy too, a few months later I moved down to dp's and her father moved back to the family home, she's since moved in with us down here (she's over 18). It's the idea of change, new things etc they do adjust

soreenqueen21 · 08/06/2021 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoingItMyself · 08/06/2021 07:32

I want her to know how a man should treat a lady

This is not how to teach her.

You want a shag in your house, you aren't content to protect your children from your sex life. There's no 'lady' in that situation.

Please put your children first. You have choices, they don't.

Aprilx · 08/06/2021 07:32

I think he’ll understand but it will hurt his feelings if I am honest about it

I would be quiet wary of an adult that would have hurt feelings because a child is not comfortable with a man she barely knows is staying in her home. He must have the empathy of a sock.

Original poster
FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 07:34

I had to laugh about comments saying 'be wary of him'. My bf is probably one of the kindest, most sincere people I've ever met. His daughter's mum and he have a good relationship and he's well known in his local community. He's sensitive in terms of wanting my kids to like him and I dont want him to think that they don't. I think my original comment said 'i didn't want to offend him'. And thank you to those that interpreted my comments correctly. I meant that I want her to see a mutually respectful relationship - I know i said it wrong.

OP posts:
MRex · 08/06/2021 07:38

How did the relationship with his ex get from "abusive towards him" to "a good relationship" in under an hour?

Bluedeblue · 08/06/2021 07:38

I don't know why everyone is saying that 8 months is nothing? My boyfriend moved in with me at the 8 month mark. The kids were 9 & 11 at the time. I'm sure that my DD would have objected, had I let her be the boss, because no daughter wants a new "dad". But the kids aren't in charge. We are now married and it is 13 years later. My DD is still at home (a working adult), and her and my DH are great friends and enjoy lots of laughs, and we are a very happy family.

If this guy is as nice as Op says he is, there's no way I'd be letting a 14 y/o dictate a parents love life. She will most likely never say a sleep over is okay, so is Mum meant to just never have a partner again?

In this situation, I would let them stay over, but make them both sleep in the spare room, so the kids aren't having to think about the fact that Mum and Partner are in bed together. This is a fair compromise, imo.

My Mum's cousin lost her DH when she was in her 40's, and her children told her they would never accept her having a new Partner. Instead of telling them not to be so ridiculous, she did as she was told, and never again had a love life, and died a spinster. Fuck that nonsense.

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