AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

[FeelingUnsureNow]

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

I was going to ask what she's like more generally, and if she's ever had friends there for a sleepover. You've answered those now.

It sounds like she is very territorial - she doesn't need or want you there when she's doing something herself, but she can't bear the thought of someone else having a claim to you. What's she like when one of her siblings needs you, or if you organise a day out that's the choice of a sib?

And is the issue your new partner or his DD? I completely understand that it's her home and she needs to feel safe. but that's not the same as just wanting to get her own way. As she has sleepovers, have you pointed out to her that that means the rest of you have to have her friends in your personal space?

I think maybe this isn't as clear cut as it seems on the surface. take her feelings into account yes - but don't let her become boss of the entire household.

Why do you need overnights to have a relationship? My partner doesn’t stay overnight, I like your daughter, feel that it’s an invasion of their space and I certainly don’t think it’s fair on his daighter to have to stay over at your house. Your kids are probably old enough to be left overnight so I guess you could stay there otherwise it’s hotels and babysitters!

I think you should have a chat with your daughter about generally how she’s feeling etc. I would also tell her that as you have met someone nice, he’s going to be around a bit more and you expect her to be polite. Tell her he’s not going to act like a dad and that you will still have lots of time for her and you love her. I don’t get these posters calling it gross or demeaning your relationship by calling it a shag. I believe if the adults handle this sensitively and present a relationship as a perfectly normal thing to have, and involve her and show interest in her, she will come round. Fwiw, I met my now husband 10 years ago and had known him 4 months before introducing him to my children aged 12 and 13. He is the only man I ever brought back to the house. We used to regularly have movie sundays with his son and the kids enjoyed getting to know each other. We all went on holiday a couple of months later and had a great time, repeated for years until they grew up. My son was initially suspicious as he thought my dh would try to act like his dad, but soon accepted him and only the other week told me that my dh is one of the kindest man he ever met.

I think tbh it's a question of how much control your DD has over your relationships.
You say that she likes him and is indifferent to his DD, so no red flags there. Is it just a case of her not liking the change or not wanting to share you and if so how long is that going to go on for?
I certainly think you should take her feelings into account but I wonder if you should say no to him staying over at all on the back of 1 teenager saying no just because?? If she said no mum because x y z, that's a different matter. I think this is something you need to sit down with everyone in your house and get to the bottom of.

I agree she can’t just veto any decision. My dd 14 can be quite rigid in what she wants and how she expects things to happen but she has to accept that sometimes other people and circumstances have to be taken into consideration. So she’d prefer to have your full attention whenever it suits her and she’s struggling to come to terms with you having someone else in your life. She will need to come to terms with it though but do it in smaller steps and keep talking to her about it, but you don’t want her to feel she can just say no about anything and shut it all down.

MRex, his ex wife and he separated before their daughter was born. He has had one relationship in twelve years. That was the abusive ex - they broke up 3 years ago. To the super critical posters that want to interpret everything in a negative light....

• I love my kids and always put them first
• They have a beautiful clean house, beautiful pets, a nice dinner cooked every night, help with their homework and I'm their dedicated taxi service.
• bf has stayed here 3 times in 3 months - only once when the kids were here
• I don't push them into anything they don't want to do unless there's good reason (school, pt jobs etc)
• I don't get time off from parenting. DS stays at his dad's occasionally. DD won't go because his house smells. She loves her dad but doesn't stay there and she prefers her friends to stay at our place than go to theirs.

Lastly, 8 months isn't long, I know but in that time (through visits, phone calls and texts), we have found we have a lot in common and care for each other a lot.

Thank you again everyone.

@FeelingUnsureNow

I had to laugh about comments saying 'be wary of him'. My bf is probably one of the kindest, most sincere people I've ever met. His daughter's mum and he have a good relationship and he's well known in his local community. He's sensitive in terms of wanting my kids to like him and I dont want him to think that they don't. I think my original comment said 'i didn't want to offend him'. And thank you to those that interpreted my comments correctly. I meant that I want her to see a mutually respectful relationship - I know i said it wrong.

Everything about him, his feelings, how wonderful he is, how she needs to see how he treats you etc etc etc.

YABU to continue to force the overnights after she's told you it makes her uncomfortable.

@Nataliafalka

Why do you need overnights to have a relationship? My partner doesn’t stay overnight, I like your daughter, feel that it’s an invasion of their space and I certainly don’t think it’s fair on his daighter to have to stay over at your house. Your kids are probably old enough to be left overnight so I guess you could stay there otherwise it’s hotels and babysitters!

Agree with this. You can have a boyfriend without inflicting him on your immediate family.

It doesn't need to be awkward. "My kids aren't really fully comfortable with it, so can we hold off for now?" is fine.

I would say that you need to get to the bottom of why she is uncomfortable. It might be that she's scared of losing you - which you can reassure her is never going to happen by words and deeds. It might be that she is just grossed out by the idea of you having a sex life - she probably needs time to adjust to that (while he stays in the guest room for overnights) but equally she will need to come to terms with it because very few parents are celibate! It might be that she's introverted and the idea of having two people she doesn't know well in her space overnight is a bit too much - in which case you can focus on her getting to know your DP better on day trips, and in time his DD too.

I'd start by explaining that you like him, he treats you well and that he is going to be around a bit more. Tell her you are shelving the idea of sleepovers for now and ask if there is anything you can do to help her adjust to him being around.

Ultimately there is a balance to be found. You need to consider her feelings, but that doesn't mean letting her dictate who you can have in your house.

@soreenqueen21

I'm not forcing anything on anyone so I don't think words like condescending phrases like 'thats just gross' apply

You've already had your boyfriend of 5 minutes to stay over when your children are there, how are you not forcing him on them?

Exactly.

@Graphista

Your dds dignity and feeling of safety v a grown man's ego...

You know what you SHOULD do

And tbh I think children should only just be gradually getting to know a parents new partner FROM around 6 month stage and sleepovers shouldn't happen until at least 12 months in and not in such a way any dc are uncomfortable with

It's not easy at all but we really like each other so we are trying our best to make it work

You're prioritising your desires/wants for your relationship over the needs of your child

See this so often sadly

Given the long distance nature of the relationship at this stage YOU barely know him let alone your shy and vulnerable dd

Prioritise your child properly don't just pay lip service to it

I hope the OP reads this.

Your child's life already is botched due to her parents' relationship failures. Don't compound the problems esp at her age, just to scratch your own itch. Her needs come before yours.

Tbh she’s 14, she’s not 4. Some people would move their partner in by this stage, such is life, so I’m sure she can deal with one sleepover! She’ll have to, because it’s not her choice.

I can understand if his daughter is expected to sleep in your DD’s room. I think that is different because at this point she is being put out more the tot DS.

If you have a spare room for his dd then all is good

I wouldn’t let anyone tell me who I could and couldn’t have in my home. She’s a child, he sounds lovely and you should totally have them over. Stop letting her dictate your life.
I agree with this. He's not moving in, just staying over one night. Dies she get to demand your friends don't stay? Or how you use the spare room?

Ultimately its a catch 22 as she is not going to get to know him if she doesn't spend time with him.

I think try to understand what it is she doesn't like, if it's just the idea of you having a boyfriend then that's unreasonable. Other things you can work around e.g. if it's him sleeping with you, maybe he can sleep on the sofa.

I find the overblown way you describe his utter wonderfulness rather concerning. You clearly have stars in your eyes for this man which makes me suspect you may well not be seeing things as they really are.

I agree with all the posters who say you are rushing headlong into this - you hardly know this man.

At least one of your DC is openly telling you they aren't comfortable to have him and his DD stay over in the family home. Stop rushing and take the blinkers off. You aren't Snow White and he almost certainly isn't the Prince Charming you think he is.

Please prioritise your children over the supposed Mr Wonderful.

Some people would move their partner in by this stage, such is life

Yeah, desperate nutcases. Some people do all sorts to their kids, such is life, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

Would it help if your daughter had a friend to stay overnight too?

I would talk to her about why and try to find a compromise.

@81Byerley

Would it help if your daughter had a friend to stay overnight too?

Ugh - who would want a friend over on the night Mums new boyfriend stays over for a shag?

Also suspect the parent of the friend would take a dim view of their child staying the night in the same house as an unknown new boyfriend.

@soreenqueen21

Some people would move their partner in by this stage, such is life, so I’m sure she can deal with one sleepover! She’ll have to, because it’s not her choice

After 8 months? Then those " some people" are some idiots.

And it should be her choice, as much as anyone elses.

Course they do. Makes me wince but yeh they definitely do!!

Not for a one off sleepover.

After 8 months? Then those " some people" are some idiots

My boyfriend moved in after 8 months. That was 13 years ago and he's now my husband. Nothing idiotic about that.

@MiddleParking

Some people would move their partner in by this stage, such is life

Yeah, desperate nutcases. Some people do all sorts to their kids, such is life, doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.

I agree, it’s crazy but omelet people do without giving it a second thought.

A one iff sleepover isn’t the same

OP you’re getting torn apart here, because MN generally opposes introducing new partners to children. But of course it’s full of the usual MN double standards. I’ll never forget posting years ago about my lovely new partner and the difficulties my older son was having with the adjustment. The general consensus was that I was a selfish whore for considering having a boyfriend until my children had left home, and that I should have some kind of therapy to address my pathological need to have a relationship. Meanwhile, there was a simultaneous thread posted by a woman who was newly widowed - just a few months I think. She’d met a new man and was falling in love, and everyone was cheering her on, saying she deserved happiness. He’d already moved in I think.
Anyway - it stuck with me because of the massive unfairness in the way we were responded to on MN.

I think you need to spend more time with your boyfriend during day times, so your daughter can see that you’re still the same person, you still love her, you’re not going anywhere - then gradually introduce overnights. It’s unfortunate that your boyfriend’s daughter has to come too, because that does make it feel more of an “invasion”, but I guess it can’t be helped.

Take it slowly, but stick with it. I had a mountain to climb with my DS, as he really really wanted me to himself 100%. But 5 years down the line and DP is a part of our lives, and DS wants me and DP to get married! He still only stays over one night per week, but that’s more my decision because I like my alone time.