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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

324 replies

FeelingUnsureNow · 08/06/2021 00:04

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

OP posts:
Volhhg · 10/06/2021 00:56

I feel sorry for her, she is probably dreading having to eventually live with this other family. My idea of hell is living with my mum's boyfriend and kids. I mean they're lovely people and good to my mum but I wouldn't want to live with them.

katy1213 · 10/06/2021 01:11

Why should she feel happy about having two random people foisted onto her family life? Wait until she's 18 and then if she doesn't like it, she can move out, or stay on at university during vacations. But at 14, she has no agency at all and nowhere to escape from them, other than hiding in her room.

PolkadotFlamingos · 10/06/2021 01:19

PolkadotFlamingos
I'm in disbelief at some of these posts. Are people really this bonkers?!

It's not you @PolkadotFlamingos, there are some very odd posters trying justify some very odd 'viewpoints'.

Thank you - I am glad there is some rationality and sanity here!

PolkadotFlamingos · 10/06/2021 01:21

@HalfTermHalfTerm

This is not how to teach her.

You want a shag in your house, you aren't content to protect your children from your sex life. There's no 'lady' in that situation.

Please put your children first. You have choices, they don't.

I think this is actually one of the nastiest things I’ve ever read on here. 8 months might be too soon for a partner to stay over, but the OP doesn’t need to ‘protect’ anyone from her sex life. It’s a relationship, not a succession of random one night stands on the sofa. If it’s genuinely just the thought of her mum having sex that is bothering the OP’s daughter that much (although I’m quite certain it isn’t) then tough luck, frankly.

And of course, everyone knows that real ladies don’t have sex Hmm

How is it nasty?! Totally reasonable thing to say. Even if you don't like it because you'd rather not think about it!

Aaargh, I had no idea that so many people had these kinds of views on parenting that I thought disappeared after the 60s/70s.

PolkadotFlamingos · 10/06/2021 01:22

@MrsBongiovi

Why on earth are the kids being involved so early in the relationship? Crazy.
Exactly. ConfusedConfusedConfused
PolkadotFlamingos · 10/06/2021 01:22

👋

aSofaNearYou · 10/06/2021 07:21

How is it nasty?! Totally reasonable thing to say. Even if you don't like it because you'd rather not think about it! Aaargh, I had no idea that so many people had these kinds of views on parenting that I thought disappeared after the 60s/70s.

You think that comment is "totally reasonable" yet you repeatedly told me you could make absolutely no sense of me saying people leave comments like "you're just thinking of your sex life" on threads like this. 😂😂 You can't make this stuff up!

You honestly seem to think you were a genius on this thread but in reality you were no smarter than anyone else and 10 times more unpleasant. 👋

soreenqueen21 · 10/06/2021 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whythesadface · 10/06/2021 11:35

So in this case only.
When the child reaches 16 and wants her partner to stay over and maybe have sex, the mum will still not be allowed her fella, because kids top it all

It's so funny, just how many saying this have a new male figure in the family, because according to your logic mums can never remarry.

KurtWilde · 10/06/2021 11:47

@Whythesadface

So in this case only. When the child reaches 16 and wants her partner to stay over and maybe have sex, the mum will still not be allowed her fella, because kids top it all

It's so funny, just how many saying this have a new male figure in the family, because according to your logic mums can never remarry.

Literally no one is saying that.
ChequerBoard · 10/06/2021 11:49

@Whythesadface

So in this case only. When the child reaches 16 and wants her partner to stay over and maybe have sex, the mum will still not be allowed her fella, because kids top it all

It's so funny, just how many saying this have a new male figure in the family, because according to your logic mums can never remarry.

OMG there are so many things wrong with this point of view that I don't know where to start!

Do people really think it's like this? Urgh!

Whythesadface · 10/06/2021 21:24

Have you not read this thread?
so many saying no boyfriends for mums.

KurtWilde · 10/06/2021 21:27

@Whythesadface

Have you not read this thread? so many saying no boyfriends for mums.
No, they're not. They're saying it's not difficult to keep your love life and parenting life separate particularly during the early stages of a relationship.
Whythesadface · 10/06/2021 21:30

No lots are saying you should not have a man over, ever.
So at what point do you think you can you do?

MRex · 10/06/2021 22:20

@Whythesadface

No lots are saying you should not have a man over, ever. So at what point do you think you can you do?
At a point when the family already know him well enough to continue to feel comfortable in their home with him in it.
KurtWilde · 10/06/2021 22:40

@Whythesadface I've been a step mum whilst also having DC of my own. I've told you this already. I also told you we both had our DC full time and we kept our relationship and our parenting separate until everybody was ready to be introduced. It's not rocket science Confused

Whythesadface · 10/06/2021 22:48

KurtWilde and what if your child in 10 years time came back and told you were wrong, you forced them to accept a man into the family home, but they didn't feel they could talk to you about it as you would be cross, and they put up and shut up, to keep you happy?

KurtWilde · 10/06/2021 23:06

@Whythesadface

KurtWilde and what if your child in 10 years time came back and told you were wrong, you forced them to accept a man into the family home, but they didn't feel they could talk to you about it as you would be cross, and they put up and shut up, to keep you happy?
My eldest 2 DC who were part of that scenario with a step dad ARE adults now, and they're still very close with their step siblings and step dad, as am I.

You're just plucking scenarios out of thin air now for the sake of it.

Whythesadface · 11/06/2021 00:44

No a poster above said she felt this way.
Your children accepted your lover whom you married. So you were lucky.
But at some point needs as a female have to come first, it is unfair to expect a woman to never remarry in case it upsets the children.

KurtWilde · 11/06/2021 08:37

@Whythesadface

No a poster above said she felt this way. Your children accepted your lover whom you married. So you were lucky. But at some point needs as a female have to come first, it is unfair to expect a woman to never remarry in case it upsets the children.
Oh stop
Whythesadface · 11/06/2021 10:41

Just because I hold different views to you does not make either of us wrong.
Nor is OP wrong for wanting her D

ChequerBoard · 11/06/2021 11:20

@Whythesadface

No a poster above said she felt this way. Your children accepted your lover whom you married. So you were lucky. But at some point needs as a female have to come first, it is unfair to expect a woman to never remarry in case it upsets the children.

Well that is where we differ - I really don't think that anyone's 'needs as a female' (revolting phrase) should trump the feelings of a 14 year old child who is expressing her discomfort at the rapid introduction and overnight presence of an unknown adult man and his child into her home.

And literally no-one on this thread has said that a woman should never remarry, all that has been said is that care and time needs to be taken on introducing a new partner to children.

Many posters have outlined how they have conducted their affairs outside of the home without involving their children or making them uncomfortable. Some of those have gone to have successful second marriages.

All that is being advocated is caution and sensitivity not mass celibacy.

KurtWilde · 11/06/2021 11:52

Yeah those 'needs as a female' certainly don't trump my children's feelings and comfort in their own home, which is why I've ended relationships in the past.

And there was no 'luck' involved in my children accepting their step dad, just a lot of work, not rushing anything, and not doing anything that caused our respective DC to feel unheard or uncomfortable.

MRex · 11/06/2021 11:59

@Whythesadface

Just because I hold different views to you does not make either of us wrong. Nor is OP wrong for wanting her D
Yuck, what sort of person uses a phrase like "wanting her D"? If OP only wants sex then the man really need not stay over. Most people have been giving advice based on a relationship.
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