AIBU to let my boyfriend and his daughter sleep over

[FeelingUnsureNow]

Just that really. Been seeing bf for 8 months. Because of our jobs and distance, we only see each other once or twice a week and we are really great together. My 16 year old son is cool with sleepovers, his 12 year old is cool with it but my 14 year old daughter is not happy. She likes him, is indifferent to his daughter and doesn't want them to sleepover because she feels like it's an invasion of her space. Fair call, I think but not sure how to tell him without offending. I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable for letting them stay. Be kind please. Just trying to get perspective and do the right thing.

Bit about this being a learning curve for you DD on how a man should treat a lady. So far what I'm seeing is his hurt feelings almost trumping your DDs discomfort at the idea of a sleepover.

Also you describe him much the way my ex now describes the new partner, who was moved in during lockdown without our DC ever even having met them! It's great if they're a good person don't get me wrong, but you simply cannot expect your DC to be as enthralled and thrilled as you are.

@Bluedeblue

After 8 months? Then those " some people" are some idiots

My boyfriend moved in after 8 months. That was 13 years ago and he's now my husband. Nothing idiotic about that.

That's utterly irresponsible. You don't properly know someone after that short a period of time. I'm glad things worked out for you but please don't hold it up as an example of great parenting because it really isn't.

And the people who are being weird about you describing your boyfriend as a lovely kind caring man - what’s that all about? Do you realise there are some genuinely lovely men out there? My partner is like this, and yes, at the start of our relationship I was really quite bowled over by it. I’d had plenty of crappy boyfriends in my time (pre kids) so it was surprising and refreshing to find someone who was kind and respectful.

Am I understanding well that people are suggesting that basically a mum who has children just can’t have someone staying up, let alone a live in partner until her Dcs have left home somehow because THEY get to decide what sort if life the mum has?

I get that a teenager will be uncomfortable, doesn’t want things to change blablabla.
But to tell a woman she can’t have a partner for the next 5, 10 years depending in the age of the child sounds bonkers to me.

Is the answer not to ensure that said children feel comfortable, set boundaries on each person role in the house/what happens (eg no bare chest...) rather than letting your dcs decide of your future.
I mean is that not the worst example you are giving to them? To show them that as a woman you are at the mercy of what other people do/think and will always put anyone else first before yourself? That the ‘correct’ attitude is to ignore your own feeling, needs and wants for the sake of others?

I’d take it slowly, it’s not just him, it’s his daughter too - I’d be listening if my child said she didn’t want them staying. Yes, she won’t know him if she doesn’t spend time with him but for me that would be him coming for dinner, going out and doing something with both sets of kids. Them both being there overnight puts a lot of pressure on her if she doesn’t hit it off with either of them.

8 months is no time at all, and you see each other regularly, I’d hold off on the sleepovers for a while and arrange some time for your new partner to get to know your kids without them seeing him over the breakfast table.

Bagamoyo obviously it's great if she's found a lovely guy, but she seems to want her DD to be as thrilled about him as she is - or at least that's how it's coming across.

@KurtWilde

Bagamoyo obviously it's great if she's found a lovely guy, but she seems to want her DD to be as thrilled about him as she is - or at least that's how it's coming across.

That’s not what I’m hearing at all. I think OP wants her daughter to accept his presence, that’s all.

That's utterly irresponsible. You don't properly know someone after that short a period of time. I'm glad things worked out for you but please don't hold it up as an example of great parenting because it really isn't

8 months = 32 weeks, and at 3 dates per week, that's 96 dates. If you don't feel like you know someone after 96 dates, I'd suggest you need to unclench. 13 years later and we are married and very happy. When you know, you know.

Why on Earth are people coming at this from such a rude angle? By all means advocate for being patient with the daughter's feelings - but it is not a red flag that his feelings might be a bit hurt OR that OP has spared a thought for that, whilst agreeing she will do it anyway.

Honestly, people on here will be rude even when there's absolutely no need to be.

Like others, I would cool off the sleepovers and give her space for a while, but ultimately if this does become long term she will have to get used to it. I don't think it's reasonable for her to bar you from ever having a partner as the house is "her space", especially if they are respectful and nobody goes in her room.

It's your daughter's home. If she's uncomfortable with it then they shouldn't stay. Put your children first and find a way to manage your new relationship without dragging them into it.

KeepingTrack

I agree with you. No teenager on the planet would welcome a new man in to their Mum's life. What's in it for them? But for heaven's sake, women shouldn't be thrown on to the scrap heap and consigned to a life of celibacy, if their relationship with the father of said teenager breaks down.

My boyfriend moved in after twelve months , but I had no children and we'd been close friends for 14 years by that point. No way would I be letting a strange man stay in the family home with my children after 5 months (you say he's been staying over for the last 3) . You also seen to be forcing the blended family thing a bit, him in his own for the evening to watch something your teens can occupy themselves, but add in his 12 great old and it's all a bit late play happy families which would make me roll my eyes now, at 14 I would've refused to engage with it.

So it's a question of talking to her, understanding what her problems are with the idea and working through ways to make her feel better about it.

Ummmm... her "problem" is probably that she is uncomfortable about an unrelated man staying in her home, as many of us would be. The way to make her "feel better about it" would be not to subject her to it.

Bagmoyo but her daughter is under no obligation to accept the presence of a stranger in her home any more than an adult would! Why do DCs have to accept things that some adults wouldn't be expected to??

- I love my kids and always put them first

You're not doing that, though.

@soreenqueen21

Am I understanding well that people are suggesting that basically a mum who has children just can’t have someone staying up, let alone a live in partner until her Dcs have left home somehow because THEY get to decide what sort if life the mum has?

No, you're clearly not understanding at all. We're not saying that, we're saying you don't bring a new boyfriend that you hardly know, and his kid, to stay at your house with your children when your children are unhappy about it.

This. No one is saying stay alone until the DC are adults! As a step mum, we took it so slow introducing me to his teenage DC and vice versa. He had them full time and no way would I have expected him to try and integrate me and my DC after 8 months, even occasionally! The same went for him with my family. I don't understand this huge rush to play happy families.

Ultimately its a catch 22 as she is not going to get to know him if she doesn't spend time with him.

There's absolutely no reason she should have to "get to know him" if she doesn't want to. Perhaps if it does become a long-term relationship she may choose to but why should she be forced to get to know someone just because her mother is seeing them? Especially not have them forced into her private space in her home. I really despair at how many people treat their children.

A decent parent would do everything possible to give the children who've already suffered from the breakdown of their parents' relationship the most stable and secure home life possible, not drag them into their new relationships, especially when they've specifically said they aren't comfortable with that.

I have a 15yo dd. Not in a million years would I have a man I’d only known for 8 months sleeping over. I wouldn’t have even introduced them at that stage.
If you can’t say that he can’t sleep over without him being offended then he is a twat. It’s an hour. Drive home.

I get that a teenager will be uncomfortable, doesn’t want things to change blablabla. But to tell a woman she can’t have a partner for the next 5, 10 years depending in the age of the child sounds bonkers to me.

There's nothing "blablabla" about it. Behaving like this can be extremely damaging, especially to teenage girls of this age who need their home to be a stable place that feels safe.

Nobody has said women who are separated from their children's father should not have a partner. You can have a partner without living with them or having them sleep over at your house and destabilising your children's sense of security in their home.

@MsPavlichenko

Have you done the Freedom Programme? You should. If your new partner is all you suggest his feelings wouldn’t be hurt in this situation. He would absolutely understand . He doesn’t, so give that some thought.

This.

He shouldn't be upset or hurt that a 14 year old is not keen to have a man you barely know coming to stay.

I would also suggest that your 14 year old thinks if I agree to this, it will become a regular thing and they could move in.

I think your 14 year old is absolutely correct to say NO to your request and you need to listen to her.

She is not ready for this.

I think the blended family model with teens is a disaster and I think it often does untold damage to the children that have it foisted upon them.

How do single parents who have their kids with them 100% of the time, ever have a new relationship then? Especially of the other person also had parental commitments.

I seriously don't understand posts such as 'get a hotel room' and 'DD shouldn't have to have anyone in her house that she doesn't want'. And this is eight months on. Which apparently is a nanosecond as far as most MN ers are concerned.

I really don't understand how dates and sex and getting to know each other can even happen under such strict 'rules'.

I don't think an 8 month relationship is long and I think your dd is not being unreasonable to not want to share her home with people who are strangers to her.

I don't really buy the "want him to be a rolemodel" thing, as I actually think you are in danger of rolemodelling putting an man's needs ahead of your dds.

I suppose I think very occasionally (like the same amount she might have a friend to sleep over) is not unreasonable. But your dp bringing his daughter makes it feel a bit more like trying to blend your families, and it seems like really early days for that.