To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

[DudeIsADude]

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

Your DP needs to tell her to get a grip! You're right, I do think some women would prefer it if the SP wasn't playing such a good roll in their child's life. But that's her problem not yours. I'm glad you all had a lovely day out

I've seen this happen a few times. They are insecure and worried that they are no longer the most important person in their child's life, or that the child will start to prefer you because you do fun things etc. Similar to when resident parent mums talk about the "Disney dads". Not excusing the diatribe to you at all, but I'd bet anything that's what's causing it. Of course you should still be nice to the DSCs and take them out etc!

I thought Disney Dad's are fathers that appear, splash some cash but don't do any of the daily grind (washing, school runs, help with homework, hosting play dates).

That's really sad and I am sorry she's made a nice day for you all into a negative thing. I can't imagine my DSCs mum acting like this at all - we all just have their best interests at heart, and we all do our best together. It's a real shame for you but what's important is you all had a nice time and they know they're valued by you.

I have found that step mums cannot do anything right no matter what they do. I’m sure some blended families work well. However, I do not know a single step mum personally without a constant stream of hassle and grief.
I think you just have to carry on doing what you feel is right and hope for the best.

DSDs mum always thanks me if I do something nice for the kids, even though it's unnecessary as I do these things because I want. I agree with @takealettermsjones that some women feel very insecure that their children might like the step mum more so lash out which is a real shame as it can lead to the step mum doing less nice things for the children so they miss out.

She used to be okay actually. It's since I had DC of my own. Then it's been my DC your DC.

Funnily though if she ever wants to do something and DH isn't around she doesn't mind if I offer to watch them then.

Your partner’s ex is a dickhead and what you say about some mothers preferring the stepparent to be horrible to the children might be true, but definitely not true for me. Assuming my ex ever finds a girlfriend who isn’t probably a figment of his imagination, I hope she’s nice to my kids. Even if she’s hands off with them but civil, I would definitely prefer that to someone who’s mean to them and/or excludes them.

I hope your partner told his ex to piss off with that attitude.

DH just ignores it and always has with anything like this. We realised a while ago it's the best way, she never thinks she's wrong so no point going round in circles.

I wouldn't be happy with DH ignoring this, though I know it has worked for you in the past, some things DO need to be said and she must be told that behaviour will not be tolerated.

Re: your question, I totally get it. When we first got together DH's ex said they couldn't come in my car because I'm 'not family '. Managed to point out to her that they had all just gone on a class trip, presumably the coach driver isn't related? Silly cow.
Honestly, I can't imagine being so insecure in my role as a mother. What a sad state of affairs.

DC's stepmum is so lovely to them and very supportive of me. Reading these stories makes me realise how lucky I was. Sadly, she's no longer with XH but she still keeps in touch with DCs.

shes insecure about something.
She might be more pissed off that your dp didnt come along as the time is supposed to be his access. Did you see exactly what the text said or just what your dp said about it

It’s more common than I think most people imagine sadly. And it’s a basis for a lot of stressors for SM’s (unfortunately).

Some women really cannot cope/ comprehend the prospect that their child/ren may bond with another woman.

I think it speaks to deep rooted insecurity within these women. If they also have unaddressed abandonment issues (which divorce/ separation can trigger) then it can very easily become a nightmare as the children get caught in loyalty binds triggered as a result of the mothers behaviour. As the mothers basically fear one day being abandoned by their own children for the other ‘family’. Bonkers behaviour. But the fear is very real to these women I’ve come to realise and that fear drives (sadly) some really poor behaviour.

I’m a divorced mum. My exh has introduced an exp to my children. Didn’t bat an eyelid. Why would I? My children only have one mother, that’s me and I can never be replaced - I know that. If another woman is in their lives whom they love and respect (assuming she’s a kind human being), then it’s better for them.

It takes a tribe to raise well rounded children. I can’t do it alone. And if my children one day say, ‘I’d like to try living with my dad and x,’ why is that a bad thing? Why should my children perhaps not want to try living with their other parent. I don’t have the monopoly on the children I have with my exh.

I don’t think step parents can win both in real life and on munsnet - if we don’t treat them equally we’re wrong, if we do too much then we’re playing mum,

yanbu - some mothers are definitely like this.

i was called all the names under the sun, not allowed near "her child" , told soooo many things were none of my business, but when dp was working and i was on mat leave, i was apparently totally suitable as an unpaid childminder - weird because i was a horrible bitch, evil, and many other things but totally fine to look after HER child when she needed me.

Maybe she’s sad she feels like she’s missing out, like you’re making memories with her kids and she feels like she should be.
Still not an excuse for her to be rude, but I think I’d probably have complicated feelings about it too.
My ex doesn’t have a partner, but I hope when he does she is nice to my son.

There is an interesting crossover between a child being the responsibility of the parents (which comes with rewards) and a sense of ownership over the child ( that makes me uncomfortable although it’s hard to pinpoint). These type of mothers seem to prioritise ownership over the benefits for their children. As the examples above highlight - they want all of the nice memories to focus on them but that’s not good for children when they miss out on seeing how nice memories can be made far and wide.it’s definitely an unhealthy dynamic but I suspect comes with expectations of motherhood.

Could the issue be financial? I assume maintenance went down after your baby. If maintenance is now low, is left to pay for all the essentials and can't afford to take them to nice places, she might feel bitter that the kids get to enjoy these with you and not even with their dad.

@Mumoblue

Maybe she’s sad she feels like she’s missing out, like you’re making memories with her kids and she feels like she should be. Still not an excuse for her to be rude, but I think I’d probably have complicated feelings about it too. My ex doesn’t have a partner, but I hope when he does she is nice to my son.

There is absolutley no reason to think OP isn't nice to her step kid, paying and taking them to an amusement park for the day certainly points that she is nice to them.

I wonder if the mother would feel the same way about an auntie, an uncle, hell even a teacher 'making memories' with her child. But no I'm sure THAT'S totally fine.

@vivainsomnia

Could the issue be financial? I assume maintenance went down after your baby. If maintenance is now low, is left to pay for all the essentials and can't afford to take them to nice places, she might feel bitter that the kids get to enjoy these with you and not even with their dad.

No, he doesn't pay maintenance they are with us 50:50 and they split costs for things between them so the arrangement hasn't changed at all since we had DC

I do get that it's probably to do with insecurity or missing out or whatever, I can understand that. But I don't understand what it is she actually wants from me, it seems any time I'm nice it's wrong but I imagine it would also be wrong if I weren't nice either so what?!

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

Really? You got all that from a title of a post?

Hm.

What on earth is wrong with my family being involved with my husband's children? Their grandchildren siblings? I thought the whole point was to try and make them feel included? Am I missing something?

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them

Yes absolutely awful aren't I 🤣