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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

194 replies

DudeIsADude · 07/06/2021 11:53

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

OP posts:
WettyHainthrop · 07/06/2021 19:17

@Brazilianut your posts are a bit manic and hard to follow. It looks as though you’re just trying to be contrary, but you’re a bit muddled.

You were strangely rude to the OP (and subsequent posters) and then pleaded it as ‘god forbid anyone should empathise with the mother’.

doodledeedum · 07/06/2021 19:22

Sad isn't it. I mean you'd want whomever is around your children to be kind and loving to them. I feel so lucky to really get on with my SC mum- in fact the more my family treat him like one of us the more grateful she is. And let's face it- one day hopefully he will be the half sibling to my children so of course he is one of us.

There are some people out there ( and wether we like to admit it or not there are) who could potentially be really nasty to their sc because of the mothers actions.
Why risk it?

It's all envy, envy that another person could take their place. That would never happen.

Just today I was telling my SC mum that SC says 'I love you' but will always follow it up with and 'I love daddy and mummy too.'
We reinforce that loving one more person doesn't mean you love anyone else less. He's 5 - he's learning.

I just don't get why you wouldn't WANT to get on 🤦🏽‍♀️

Poor you OP. Glad you get on with it anyway x

sassbott · 07/06/2021 19:26

Based on the comments I am inclined to think that @Brazilianut is my exp’s EXW.
Up in arms at the impact to the pooooorrr mothers (which most SM’s also are). Hmm

EmeraldShamrock · 07/06/2021 19:27

I'd hope not. I'd like her to care for the DC like you do.
If we ever break up or I died it would mean a lot to find someone who cares and doesn't criticise me either. Wink
I know DSP who I've thought I'd like them for my DC if the situation arose.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:28

@WettyHainthrop

I am sorry you have had trouble following along. I have been very clear, yes blunt but not rude and haven’t called anyone names or condescending comments like yours. Funny how you don’t call out any of that?

Unless someone agrees to sympathise wholly and unreservedly with the OP their words get twisted and they get insulted or attacked.

Brazilianut · 07/06/2021 19:29

A lot of really bitter step mums on this thread. No point arguing further.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/06/2021 19:34

@Brazilianut

A lot of really bitter step mums on this thread. No point arguing further.
And that is the only reason you came on this thread, to argue and try to cause a bun fight. You have zero knowledge of the subject being spoken about.
ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 19:35

*I am sorry you have had trouble following along. I have been very clear, yes blunt but not rude and haven’t called anyone names or condescending comments like yours. Funny how you don’t call out any of that?

Unless someone agrees to sympathise wholly and unreservedly with the OP their words get twisted and they get insulted or attacked.*

Now you're just making stuff up. No one has been attacked. You've also doled out insults of your own, with some passive aggression thrown in for good measure so stop being so disingenuous.

You say you want a mature debate but seem incapable of engaging in one.

PurpleSunrise · 07/06/2021 19:41

Why are you lot continuing to exchange petty remarks for pages and pages on someone else’s thread?

ComeOnPeople · 07/06/2021 19:42

All these posts about DM wanting to have the child back if EXH is unwell as it's time for them to be with their dads and not their mums are ridiculous - if step mum is in dads life it becomes the child's life too. Just like it would if you have friends and partners.

It's their dads time. Time he can do what ever he needs- as well as spend time with his children.
With that thinking I'd assume all the DM hand their kids over to the dad when they're not the ones able to do stuff with their kids - such as work/gym/dinners with friends or even ill. I'd think with a 50:50 share - they can spend their time with each other as they please.
Obviously if it's EOWE then it's slightly different as time is constricted but still - child goes there to partake in their DD life. His whole life.

onedaybabywelbeold · 07/06/2021 19:43

Speaking from the mums perspective - I was that mum. I didn't want my exes partner to do anything alone with my child as I was jealous, simple as that, I was jealous of her and my exes relationship and I was worried that my child would like her more than me and that she would be a better role model than me. Anything I could pick out to be angry at I would be and it wasn't right but it 100 percent stemmed from my insecurity.

My ex and the partner I'm speaking about are no longer together but after a while I got used to having her be a part of my daughters life, I no longer minded if she took my daughter out for the day or to a family party etc in fact I found it nice that she was making the effort with my daughter. It got to the point where we would text once in awhile about daughters behaviour etc and I thanked her for being so great with her.

At the time I probably would have preferred her to be mean to my child because then it would provide me with a solid reason to stop her being around my daughter. It was a horrible time in my life and I'm sure even worse for her. I really regret it and am glad I made amends with her in the end as she was lovely. You live and learn. Hopefully things will turn around the same for your partners ex, however, it does stem from her insecurity. Nothing to do with you, keep being a lovely step mum.

ComeOnPeople · 07/06/2021 19:44

@onedaybabywelbeold that is such an honest and raw answer.... x

Volhhg · 07/06/2021 19:47

Maybe it's because the kids went to see their dad but ended up with you instead. Maybe she would have preferred to have had her kids at home if she had known they weren't going to see dad?

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 19:48

@onedaybabywelbeold what a refreshingly honest post! Thank you for sharing, I'm sure that wasn't easy.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/06/2021 19:50

@onedaybabywelbeold

Speaking from the mums perspective - I was that mum. I didn't want my exes partner to do anything alone with my child as I was jealous, simple as that, I was jealous of her and my exes relationship and I was worried that my child would like her more than me and that she would be a better role model than me. Anything I could pick out to be angry at I would be and it wasn't right but it 100 percent stemmed from my insecurity.

My ex and the partner I'm speaking about are no longer together but after a while I got used to having her be a part of my daughters life, I no longer minded if she took my daughter out for the day or to a family party etc in fact I found it nice that she was making the effort with my daughter. It got to the point where we would text once in awhile about daughters behaviour etc and I thanked her for being so great with her.

At the time I probably would have preferred her to be mean to my child because then it would provide me with a solid reason to stop her being around my daughter. It was a horrible time in my life and I'm sure even worse for her. I really regret it and am glad I made amends with her in the end as she was lovely. You live and learn. Hopefully things will turn around the same for your partners ex, however, it does stem from her insecurity. Nothing to do with you, keep being a lovely step mum.

Thank you for being so honest, you sound like a lovely mum Flowers
Icenii · 07/06/2021 19:54

@Volhhg

Maybe it's because the kids went to see their dad but ended up with you instead. Maybe she would have preferred to have had her kids at home if she had known they weren't going to see dad?
They live there 50% of their time. They have a home with their dad and stepmum. They are family.
ComeOnPeople · 07/06/2021 19:56

Do any DM send their kids to their dads the minute they can't physically be with them 24/7? Genuinely asking because I don't know why there is a god given right for some DM to dictate what happens to the kids when with their dad or in their home. Especially when it's 50:50. ( barring obvious abuse or neglect situations)

AgathaAllAlong · 07/06/2021 19:58

I think the fact that they're with you half the time makes her complaint really really unreasonable. It's not about access or about you acting more involved than appropriate. They live with you as much as they live with her. You absolutely should treat them like your own in terms of trips when they're there, very weird that you can't see your family for half the week with your DC unless you have to have sperate arrangements for the your and her DC.

WettyHainthrop · 07/06/2021 20:13

[quote Brazilianut]@WettyHainthrop

I am sorry you have had trouble following along. I have been very clear, yes blunt but not rude and haven’t called anyone names or condescending comments like yours. Funny how you don’t call out any of that?

Unless someone agrees to sympathise wholly and unreservedly with the OP their words get twisted and they get insulted or attacked.[/quote]
Well, this is what I mean. Funny I haven’t called out any of what? My own apparently condescending comments? Confused

No one has ‘twisted’ your deeply unpleasant first post. It’s stands for all to see, as an unnecessary attack on the OP. It’s so bilious and reactive, which is why people are jokingly saying your mother in question. It also fails entirely to recognise the behaviour of her SC’s mother, which was crackers!

Original poster
DudeIsADude · 07/06/2021 20:30

@Brazilianut

Some people on this thread agree and are very invested in the title and narrative of evil spiteful jealous mums who’d rather their children be unhappy than to get on with the long suffering angelic stepmums. All the while acting anything but Hmm
Goodness me I never said all mother's, I said some. You know just like you said there were some bad step parents earlier in the thread. I didn't generalise about mother's as a whole. I am a mother by the way, being a step mother isn't my whole identity.
OP posts:
Coronawireless · 07/06/2021 20:47

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

So true. A lot more to this! The mum wants the DC to spend time with their DAD. Not a woman who perhaps even helped to break up the original family. If you truly want to be a good stepparent then let the children spend time with their dad. Don’t take them on days out away from him. Don’t try to be the “more fun” mum. Don’t get all huffy when Mum doesn’t want you taking them on days out and retaliate by being cold or horrible to the DCs or obstructing them spending time with their dad. It’s very simple.
LizzieW1969 · 07/06/2021 20:59

If you’d bothered to read the thread, you would know that the Dad was ill, that was why she was ‘taking them away’ from him for the day. Hmm

Volhhg · 07/06/2021 21:05

From what I see of blended families it doesn't work like that. I know one family that do it like that but that's mainly because their father is deceased. I think it's completely fair enough that the mum wants their kids to spend time with their father. A quick phone or text from the dad to the mum to ask what she would prefer or even just discuss what to do would be better than taking them out for the day with the dad's wife (however well meaning).

ILoveYou3000 · 07/06/2021 21:07

@Coronawireless just a suggestion but try reading at least the OP's posts before commenting and making yourself look really silly.

The SC live with OP 50% of the time and their father was ill that day. There was no 'taking them away from him' simply taking them out for the day while dad stayed at home throwing up.

Where on earth has the OP indicated she's been cold or obstructive? Quite the opposite I'd say.

As for the OW comment 🙄

LizzieW1969 · 07/06/2021 21:14

But the OP says that the mum was working, so wouldn’t have been able to look after them anyway.

From what I know about my DSis’s relationship with her DSS, this wouldn’t have been an issue at all. (Admittedly, for the majority of the time before he became an adult, his dad was the main parent and his mum had him EOW, so it wasn’t typical. Although the in the case of the OP’s DC, it’s 50:50, and the OP is regularly in a caring role.)