To think some Mum's would prefer it if you weren't nice to your step child?!

[DudeIsADude]

Last week my husband wasn't feeling great and so I took DSC out for the day with a friend and their children. Paid for a nice day out at a amusement place and everyone had a really good time.

Cue ranting text to DH about how I'm not DSCs Mum, not my kids etc etc.

I've had this before, they aren't "allowed" to go out with my family because they aren't my child and so on.

Honestly what is the problem? It feels like she'd actually prefer it if I was horrible to them.

I ignore it and we do our own things anyway but seriously AIBU to think some Mum's don't want you to be nice to their children?

@Brazilianut

No hatred at all towards step mums. But there is a lot of hate towards me for having a different view.

My brother is a step-dad and a marvellous one at that and doesn’t brag about any time or money spent on the children. Anyone would understand the natural parents protective instincts right or wrong and work to mitigate them for the sake of the children and it isn’t easy.

However, you really need a mature head on your shoulders to make it work. Making a whiny thread after having spent one day in an arcade saying ‘step mums would prefer it if you were horrible to their children’ is a vile generalisation.

How many step-mums come on to MN with threads that make me shudder.

You weren't just expressing a "different view", you were downright rude to the OP. She wasn't bragging about anything.

@Waxonwaxoff0 your argument would work so much better if you weren’t very rude calling me ‘pathetic’.

Saying ‘mums would prefer it if you were horrible to their children’ is worse than rude and untrue.

Can you imagine if you’d gone out with just your kids and left your step kids with your DH? She wouldn’t of like that either, so you can’t really win really.

*No hatred at all towards step mums. But there is a lot of hate towards me for having a different view.

My brother is a step-dad and a marvellous one at that and doesn’t brag about any time or money spent on the children. Anyone would understand the natural parents protective instincts right or wrong and work to mitigate them for the sake of the children and it isn’t easy.

However, you really need a mature head on your shoulders to make it work. Making a whiny thread after having spent one day in an arcade saying ‘step mums would prefer it if you were horrible to their children’ is a vile generalisation.

How many step-mums come on to MN with threads that make me shudder.*

I'd say it's more you were expressing a view on a totally different thread to how the rest of us read it. No bragging, the OP was explaining what had happened with context.

So, in your opinion is the DSC's mum justified in her objections to the OP taking the child(ren) out for the day?

@ILoveYou3000

That would depend on a lot of factors such as how long they’d known my children etc and what I think of them as a person, if I trusted them then I would let my DC go with a step parent but only with my permission.

The same would apply to knowing their family and whether I’d agree to DC spending time alone without DD there with them.

You might not agree with me but I appreciate you asking me my opinion.

I haven't bragged about anything... I explained the situation and how it came about. I also explained in my OP that this isn't just one day at the arcade but has happened multiple times, any time I try and do something nice for or with them it seems.

You are projecting hugely it seems!

[quote Brazilianut]@ILoveYou3000

That would depend on a lot of factors such as how long they’d known my children etc and what I think of them as a person, if I trusted them then I would let my DC go with a step parent but only with my permission.

The same would apply to knowing their family and whether I’d agree to DC spending time alone without DD there with them.

You might not agree with me but I appreciate you asking me my opinion.[/quote]
With respect, she doesn't get to 'allow' her DC to do things when they are with their Dad. He is as much their parent as she is. He is more than capable of giving permission for them to go out for the day with me or to meet my family!

You sound just like her though, I feel for any step mother your kids may have!

[quote Brazilianut]@ILoveYou3000

That would depend on a lot of factors such as how long they’d known my children etc and what I think of them as a person, if I trusted them then I would let my DC go with a step parent but only with my permission.

The same would apply to knowing their family and whether I’d agree to DC spending time alone without DD there with them.

You might not agree with me but I appreciate you asking me my opinion.[/quote]
You'd "let" them go with your permission?

Does their Dad not get a say then?

As a stepmum you’ll never win.

I was once told I’m “the boss” by the ex wife because my ex had to check with me if I had made any plans with dsc during half term when they would be in my care. The ex wife wanted to pinch dsc for a few hours on ex’s day. But apparently I’m the boss for making potential plans with dsc and the parents had to ask.

I was also told off for making plans during a different half term that didn’t involve their child as my ex was off work and dsc was spending the day with their dad, and the ex wife kicked off about that too. Mind boggles.

So yeah, can’t win.

@DudeIsADude

Maybe not, but your attitude is everything.

You sound very determined to do what she feels uncomfortable with because you can so simply don’t expect her to be thrilled about it.

If you are going to do what she’s uncomfortable with anyway what is the purpose of this thread moaning about her and trying to put a ‘mum v stepmum’ slant on it by asserting that you think mothers would happier if stepmothers were horrible to their children?

What do you think her children, would think of you slagging off their mum on the internet? They may not see you in the same light.

*That would depend on a lot of factors such as how long they’d known my children etc and what I think of them as a person, if I trusted them then I would let my DC go with a step parent but only with my permission.

The same would apply to knowing their family and whether I’d agree to DC spending time alone without DD there with them.

You might not agree with me but I appreciate you asking me my opinion.*

Does their father get to put the same rules on you? Why is your permission needed over and above that of their father, their equal parent?

You do realise how controlling this is don't you? And how an attitude like this would ultimately end up hurting the children by creating a divide when they were with their father/SM and step or half siblings.

I appreciate this is all hypothetical as I'm under the impression you're neither a SM nor do your children have a SM.

@ILoveYou3000

I don’t really care what your impression is. For the record, it’s wrong.

If DH and I split up I know he would be very uncomfortable with me getting a new partner to take out our children on his own and taking them to his families house. That kind of trust would take years.

@ILoveYou3000 apologies there, you are right I read that wrong. I am neither a SM nor do my children have a SM.

*I don’t really care what your impression is. For the record, it’s wrong.

If DH and I split up I know he would be very uncomfortable with me getting a new partner to take out our children on his own and taking them to his families house. That kind of trust would take years.*

Bit confused at the need for your aggression there 😬 If I'm wrong does that mean you are a step mum?

Also, you didn't respond to my actual questions.

I've been around years, I'm not some random girlfriend he's known 5 minutes, I'm his wife, mother to his children's half siblings and also good enough for childcare when she wants to make other plans so not sure what your point about trust has to do with anything. She trusts me when it suits.

But Brazilianut, OP has clearly been in her stepson's life for some considerable time and he lives with her and her husband 50% of the time. So, obviously, that's as much time as he spends with his mum.

In those circumstances, what's the problem with her entertaining him when his dad was feeling ill? What would you have preferred her to do all day?

[quote Brazilianut]@ILoveYou3000

I don’t really care what your impression is. For the record, it’s wrong.

If DH and I split up I know he would be very uncomfortable with me getting a new partner to take out our children on his own and taking them to his families house. That kind of trust would take years.[/quote]
Yes but is wouldn’t be up to your ex it would be up to you.

Personally I think the more adults who care for my children and are positive influences the better, however I know no one will ever replace me and their father as the parents.

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

Oh behave. Are you the Mum??

My daughter used to go on holiday with her dad and stepmother. Didn't bother me in the slightest, she loved going so why would I stop her ?

OP I don't think you did anything wrong

That being said - if I didn't have my child for 50% of the time I don't think I'd cope very well. I suspect she is jealous you have your child 100% of the time. If dad is sick maybe she'd appreciate the extra time with the kids herself?

@Brazilianut OP said their father was unwell. What was she supposed to do leave them with their unwell father and go out for the day with her DC. It’s people like you who cause trouble in step families.

@Brazilianut

Making a whiny thread after having spent one day in an arcade saying ‘step mums would prefer it if you were horrible to their children’ is a vile generalisation.

Right, and your comment 'How many step-mums come on to MN with threads that make me shudder' is so subjective! Threads on MN are started by both bio and step-parents.

@Marksmum

OP I don't think you did anything wrong

That being said - if I didn't have my child for 50% of the time I don't think I'd cope very well. I suspect she is jealous you have your child 100% of the time. If dad is sick maybe she'd appreciate the extra time with the kids herself?

She was working

@Brazilianut You are an absolute loon.

@Brazilianut

Good grief the title of your post says a lot about you and how you feel about this situation after taking them out for one day.

You are taking serious liberties taking them to your family.

Could it be that she wants the actual father to take them on days out and that is her issue.

To be honest she possibly can sense what kind of step mum you are, taking them out for a day and spending money on them doesn’t mean you’re a great step mum. You sound immature and unable to navigate this very sensitive scenario and like you will cause problems for the children.

Oh dear, you're gonna hate me then...after exH and I spilt up I was awarded full custody of his and his exW's child...all court ordered so clearly the evil step parent (me), became the only person the court saw fit to take care of the child. Evil me took DSD on holidays and everything, what a bitch eh?